I’ve been online dating for quite a while and have yet to find that perfect someone, so I’m overhauling my profile. No more sincere soliloquies about my beliefs or philosophies or self-aggrandizing claims about my awesomeness. I’ve read enough women’s profiles to find the common threads and endeavor now to address those requirements.

Above all else, all women claim to want a man both intelligent and funny. A distant second is the requirement that a man have his shit together (own a car, pay his bills, not live with his mother, that kind of thing). A large proportion of women are obsessed with grammar (there/their/they’re, your/you’re, no text message shorthand, etc), and a similar number require that no pictures of a man’s profile show him posing with his shirt off.

So now I’ll just make sure I meet all those requirements and the women will come flocking, right? Or do y’all just look at the pictures too? ;)

Okay, no topless pictures? Check.

Any self-respecting grammar Nazi knows that this is a grammatically correct sentence:
Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.
Look it up!

Shit together: I own a car and a truck. I have a house in East Atlanta, rent out a townhouse in suburbia,and a trailer on 5 acres in the NC mountains. Zero credit card debt. No student loans. Credit score: 800. (ooh, this getting you hot yet?)

Intelligent? Top of my class in grad school, IQ: 133, music performance scholarship for undergrad, SAT: 1320. (“Oh yeah baby. Give me more! Statistics make me HOT” – a phrase never uttered)

Funny? Well, here are some vignettes that I find witty or interesting and say a little about me. If you connect with some of this and find me as hilarious as do I, then let’s meet up sometime:

Jesus is like Elvis...I like some of the stuff they did, but their fans are fucking annoying.

"Is god willing to prevent evil, but is not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able but not wiling? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence comes evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him god?" – Epicurus

Favorite bumper sticker: On a compact car: “Nice Hummer. Sorry about your penis.”

I’ll know I’ve “made it” when I have a midget in my posse.

The best quote from Obama is not,”Yes, we can”. It’s, ”Brothers, pull up your pants.”

I absolutely love to sing and dance. I have limited talents for both.

I’m exceptionally creative, but in a “let’s knock out this wall” kind of way and not so much in a “let’s write poetry and get matching tattoos and both wear women’s jeans to be ironic” kind of way.

I want to poke old people at funerals and whisper, “You’re next.”

I want to be a teacher just for a week so I can write a multiple-choice test where all of the correct answers are “C”...except one.

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator

47% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

“Hell is other people.” -Sartre

Stop saying that you “rescued” a dog. You didn’t run into a burning building. You went down to the pound to get a free dog.

I submitted 10 puns to a writing contest. Did any of them win? No pun in ten did.

I’ve submitted both a job application and a personal reference as a series of limericks. (really!)

"When you smoke the herb, it reveals you to yourself." - Bob Marley

I support abortion, but only through the 23rd trimester.

For some reason, dogs and children just love me. Babies especially. They just stare at me like I'm juggling monkeys with my nose.

I have this whole plan to create my own self-sustaining farm.

I'm really looking for someone to share this with. Unfortunately, I have zero "game". I can never tell when someone likes me or not. I pretty much miss the signs EVERY time, ignoring the woman that likes me to ask out the one that isn't interested.
Sometimes I wonder if women are just playing hard to get...into the trunk of my car. So I've been trying to work on "me". I've developed the skills to make a woman scream in bed...things like "Stop! Please stop!' and "Why is this happening to me?!"
(nothing brings in the ladies like a little abduction humor!)

Nothing. I'm just 'kinda' good at everything. Not really good, just kind of good. Really, everything. I know just enough to be dangerous.

My intensity. You know how you can just look into someone's eyes and know that they don't have a frickin' clue?

Yeah, I'm the opposite of that.

I think that sometimes intimidates people. They see me and think that I'm reading their mind or that I must be contemplating some deep and meaningful idea. I'm actually thinking about jelly beans.

"If you go back to someone's place and they don't have books, don't fuck them." - John Waters

I only buy used books.

The last thing I read that I really enjoyed was Christopher Moore's "Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal". That's just fucking funny.

Total movie dork. Most movies make me cry.

I usually just catch shows on Netflix, so I'm always a year behind everyone else. Some that I've liked: Archer, Breaking Bad, Downton Abbey, Weeds, Dexter, Walking Dead.
I’ve watched Band of Brothers and The West Wing series at least 15 times.
"Glee" is my guilty pleasure show.
Every time you watch reality TV, a book commits suicide.
When they make a reality show where past contestants and producers are publicly depilated with tweezers, doused in bacon grease, and chased by wild dogs, then I'll be all about that show. I've already picked out the title: "Karmic Justice".

I give ALL music a chance. I stop liking it when it gets boring. I can discuss thematic figures in Beethoven and colors of Gershwin, but the next song on my iPod is Miley Cyrus.
It bothers me when someone says, “I like all music, except _____.” Don’t pretend to be all open and accepting. You like and don’t like certain music. Just say so. It’s okay.

I'm a strict omnivore.

Freedom, Creation, Memories, Logic, Passion,....oh, and Candy.

fantasy. future. creation - I always have just one more thing I have to build or design.

Relaxing. I worked weekend nights for so long that I don't know what to do with myself.

When I drink a lot, I snore. When I snore, I snore like a cartoon character. The written word apparently does not adequately describe this phenomenon.

As this alleged snoring is still undocumented, I am still denying its actual existence, but apparently it is both amusing and endearing.

You like yourself and want to hang out.