Above all else, all women claim to want a man both intelligent and funny. A distant second is the requirement that a man have his shit together (own a car, pay his bills, not live with his mother, that kind of thing). A large proportion of women are obsessed with grammar (there/their/they’re, your/you’re, no text message shorthand, etc), and a similar number require that no pictures of a man’s profile show him posing with his shirt off.
So now I’ll just make sure I meet all those requirements and the women will come flocking, right? Or do y’all just look at the pictures too? ;)
Okay, no topless pictures? Check.
Any self-respecting grammar Nazi knows that this is a grammatically correct sentence:
Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.
Look it up!
Shit together: I own a car and a truck. I have a house in East Atlanta, rent out a townhouse in suburbia,and a trailer on 5 acres in the NC mountains. Zero credit card debt. No student loans. Credit score: 800. (ooh, this getting you hot yet?)
Intelligent? Top of my class in grad school, IQ: 133, music performance scholarship for undergrad, SAT: 1320. (“Oh yeah baby. Give me more! Statistics make me HOT” – a phrase never uttered)
Funny? Well, here are some vignettes that I find witty or interesting and say a little about me. If you connect with some of this and find me as hilarious as do I, then let’s meet up sometime:
Jesus is like Elvis...I like some of the stuff they did, but their fans are fucking annoying.
"Is god willing to prevent evil, but is not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able but not wiling? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence comes evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him god?" – Epicurus
Favorite bumper sticker: On a compact car: “Nice Hummer. Sorry about your penis.”
I’ll know I’ve “made it” when I have a midget in my posse.
The best quote from Obama is not,”Yes, we can”. It’s, ”Brothers, pull up your pants.”
I absolutely love to sing and dance. I have limited talents for both.
I’m exceptionally creative, but in a “let’s knock out this wall” kind of way and not so much in a “let’s write poetry and get matching tattoos and both wear women’s jeans to be ironic” kind of way.
I want to poke old people at funerals and whisper, “You’re next.”
I want to be a teacher just for a week so I can write a multiple-choice test where all of the correct answers are “C”...except one.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
47% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
“Hell is other people.” -Sartre
Stop saying that you “rescued” a dog. You didn’t run into a burning building. You went down to the pound to get a free dog.
I submitted 10 puns to a writing contest. Did any of them win? No pun in ten did.
I’ve submitted both a job application and a personal reference as a series of limericks. (really!)
"When you smoke the herb, it reveals you to yourself." - Bob Marley
I support abortion, but only through the 23rd trimester.
For some reason, dogs and children just love me. Babies especially. They just stare at me like I'm juggling monkeys with my nose.