I've given up the standard profile with the "I love to travel, am down-to-earth, and really laid back". No more sincere soliloquies about my beliefs or philosophies or self-aggrandizing claims about my awesomeness. I've read enough profiles about what women claim they want, so I'll just tailor my profile to that and they'll come flocking, right?
Above all else, all women claim to want a man both intelligent and funny. A distant second is the requirement that a man have his shit together (own a car, pay his bills, not live with his mother, that kind of thing). A staggeringly large proportion of women are obsessed with grammar (there/their/they’re, your/you’re, no text message shorthand, etc), and a similar number require that no pictures of a man’s profile show him posing with his shirt off.
Okay, no topless pictures? Check.
Grammar police: your/you're and their/there is for amateurs. The true grammarian understands how this is a complete sentence:
Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.
Shit together: I own a car and a truck. I have a house in East Atlanta, rent out a townhouse in suburbia,and have a trailer on 5 acres in the NC mountains. Zero credit card debt. No student loans. Credit score: 800. (ooh, this getting you hot yet?). Incidentally, I make a comfortable living and love to spend money, but you wont find me spending it on a car. I'm unlikely to share common ground with a woman who is wooed by a man's expensive toys. Please move on to the shinier peacock.
Intelligent? Top of my class in grad school, music performance scholarship for undergrad, IQ: 133 (“Oh yeah baby. Give me more! Statistics make me HOT” – a phrase never uttered)
Funny? I consider myself more witty than funny. I appreciate a fun play on words or some good sarcasm. I can definitely tell a good joke - I just have a hard time remembering them. I put a high value on a person's sense of humor. People that laugh at the same things tend to form deeper connections. Here's some stuff that I either find funny or find interesting about myself:
Jesus is like Elvis...Both became much more popular and were seen more after they died. I like their body of work, but their fans are fucking annoying.
For most Christians, the bible is like a software license agreement: don't read it, just scroll to the end and click "I Agree"
Give me ambiguity or give me something else!
Broad generalizations are always wrong.
Favorite bumper sticker: On a compact car: “Nice Hummer. Sorry about your penis.”
I’ll know I’ve “made it” when I have a midget in my posse.
I absolutely love to sing and dance. I have limited talents for both.
I’m exceptionally creative, but in a “let’s knock out this wall” kind of way and not so much in a “let’s write poetry and get matching tattoos and both wear women’s jeans to be ironic” kind of way.
I want to poke old people at funerals and whisper, “You’re next.”
I want to be a teacher just for a week so I can write a multiple-choice test where all of the correct answers are “C”...except one.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
47% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
“Hell is other people.” -Sartre
I think it's great that people adopt pets that no one else wants, but please stop saying you “rescued” it with that self-satisfied superiority in your voice. You didn’t run into a burning building. You went down to the pound to get a free dog.
Sometimes I feel like I work in the Dead Horse Beating Division of the Department of Redundancy Department
I submitted 10 puns to a writing contest. Did any of them win? No pun in ten did.
Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.
I’ve submitted both a job application and a personal reference as a series of limericks. (really!)
I support abortion, but only through the 23rd trimester.
For some reason, dogs and children just love me. Babies especially. They just stare at me like I'm juggling monkeys with my nose.