Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine got
hit by a truck.
I've given up the standard profile with the "I love to travel, am
down-to-earth, and really laid back". No more sincere soliloquies
about my beliefs or philosophies or self-aggrandizing claims about
my awesomeness. I've read enough profiles about what women claim
they want, so I'll just tailor my profile to that and they'll come
Above all else, all women claim to want a man both intelligent and
funny. A distant second is the requirement that a man have his shit
together (own a car, pay his bills, not live with his mother, that
kind of thing). A staggeringly large proportion of women are
obsessed with grammar (there/their/they’re, your/you’re, no text
message shorthand, etc), and a similar number require that no
pictures of a man’s profile show him posing with his shirt
Okay, no topless pictures? Check.
Grammar police: your/you're and their/there is for amateurs. The
true grammarian understands how this is a complete sentence:
Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo
Shit together: I own a car and a truck. I have a house in East
Atlanta, rent out a townhouse in suburbia,and have a trailer on 5
acres in the NC mountains. Zero credit card debt. No student loans.
Credit score: 800. (ooh, this getting you hot yet?). Incidentally,
I make a comfortable living and love to spend money, but you wont
find me spending it on a car. I'm unlikely to share common ground
with a woman who is wooed by a man's expensive toys. Please move on
to the shinier peacock.
Intelligent? Top of my class in grad school, music performance
scholarship for undergrad, IQ: 133 (“Oh yeah baby. Give me more!
Statistics make me HOT” – a phrase never uttered)
Funny? I consider myself more witty than funny. I appreciate a fun
play on words or some good sarcasm. I can definitely tell a good
joke - I just have a hard time remembering them. I put a high value
on a person's sense of humor. People that laugh at the same things
tend to form deeper connections. Here's some stuff that I either
find funny or find interesting about myself:
Jesus is like Elvis...Both became much more popular and were seen
more after they died. I like their body of work, but their fans are
For most Christians, the bible is like a software license
agreement: don't read it, just scroll to the end and click "I
Give me ambiguity or give me something else!
Broad generalizations are always wrong.
Favorite bumper sticker: On a compact car: “Nice Hummer. Sorry
about your penis.”
I’ll know I’ve “made it” when I have a midget in my posse.
I absolutely love to sing and dance. I have limited talents for
I’m exceptionally creative, but in a “let’s knock out this wall”
kind of way and not so much in a “let’s write poetry and get
matching tattoos and both wear women’s jeans to be ironic” kind of
I want to poke old people at funerals and whisper, “You’re
I want to be a teacher just for a week so I can write a
multiple-choice test where all of the correct answers are
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
47% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
“Hell is other people.” -Sartre
I think it's great that people adopt pets that no one else wants,
but please stop saying you “rescued” it with that self-satisfied
superiority in your voice. You didn’t run into a burning building.
You went down to the pound to get a free dog.
Sometimes I feel like I work in the Dead Horse Beating Division of
the Department of Redundancy Department
I submitted 10 puns to a writing contest. Did any of them win? No
pun in ten did.
Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.
I’ve submitted both a job application and a personal reference as a
series of limericks. (really!)
I support abortion, but only through the 23rd trimester.
For some reason, dogs and children just love me. Babies especially.
They just stare at me like I'm juggling monkeys with my nose.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I have this whole plan to create my own self-sustaining farm. It's
probably a little far-fetched, but I enjoy thinking about it. So
far I have a couple square-foot gardens and a worm farm.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Nothing. I'm just 'kinda' good at everything. Not really good, just
kind of good. Really, everything. I know just enough to be
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My intensity. You know how you can just look into someone's eyes
and know that they don't have a frickin' clue?
Yeah, I'm the opposite of that.
I think that sometimes intimidates people. They see me and think
that I'm reading their mind or that I must be contemplating some
deep and meaningful idea. I'm actually thinking about jelly beans.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
"If you go back to someone's place and they don't have books, don't
fuck them." - John Waters
I read pretty much every day. I only buy used books and much prefer
fiction to non. Some favorite books and authors:
A Prayer for Owen Meaney, Hitchhikers Guide, Christopher Moore,
Orson Scott Card, Tom Clancy, Jack Whyte, Wilbur Smith, Ken
Every time you watch reality TV, a book commits suicide.
Total movie dork. Most movies make me cry. (I manage to do this in
an acceptably masculine way.)
I usually just catch shows on Netflix, so I'm always a year behind
everyone else. Some that I've liked: Archer, Breaking Bad, Downton
Abbey, Weeds, Dexter, Walking Dead.
I’ve watched Band of Brothers and The West Wing series at least 15
"Glee" is my guilty pleasure show.
I try to give ALL music a chance. I can discuss thematic figures in
Beethoven and colors of Gershwin, but the next song on my iPod is
Miley Cyrus. I get bored when it becomes overly repetitive, so the
screaming death metal gets old for me pretty quick. My favorite
right now is Blair Crimmins and The Hookers. You just don't hear
modern Dixieland everyday. I also like The Shins, Yeah yeah Yeahs,
Grateful Dead, Zac Brown, Guster, Flogging Molly
I'm a strict omnivore. I love, love, LOVE food and have a hard time
relating to people that voluntarily limit themselves.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Freedom, Creation, Memories, Logic, Passion,....oh, and Candy.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
fantasy. future. creation - I always have just one more thing I
have to build or design.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Sometimes go out. Sometimes stay in. Just like everyone else.
I'm slowly trying to feel out my friends because I want to create
an open house Friday. It seems to me that no one ever just "gets
together". Everything has to have some sort of firm plan with a
start and a finish and evites and expectations and GPS directions
and has to be Liked on Facebook. Remember way back when before
texting and Facebook and two thousand TV channels? People used to
just stop by their friends' and neighbors' houses and chat, play a
board game, drink some beers, watch a ball game...
I want to bring that back. Just create a standing invitation for
everyone I know to drop by every Friday night and bring friends,
food, and drink. No, I'm not having a party. I'm not making hors
d'oeuvres or getting a keg. There's no theme. There's no special
event. When people show up, we'll decide what to do. Maybe we just
have drinks and sit on the porch. Maybe we go out dancing or
bowling or karaoke-ing. Maybe we lounge around in the hookah room
(Yes, I built a hookah room). Maybe we make a plan to have a theme
for next Friday. Don't know. Don't care. I just want to get back to
connecting with people in a more human way and welcome friends of
friends into my tribe. Am I crazy? Does anyone else think this is a
workable idea? Do other people already have this type of life, and
I'm just missing out?
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
It's becoming all too common that an entire order at the grocery
store will consist solely of red wine, chocolate, and cat food. The
cashiers give me pitying looks and then give me the senior citizen
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
Things my perfect match would say:
“The Braves need to lock down their young talent before they become
arbitration eligible They should never trade young pitching
prospects for a one-and-done big name”
“I hope no one minds if I take off my bikini top”
“Crap! My fantasy football quarterback is out for the season”
“I found a new recipe we’d both like and bought all the
ingredients. Let’s open a bottle of wine and make dinner
“This is good, but it could use more bacon”
“We should totally check out the bondage club just to see what it’s
“It makes me feel good just to rub your back or stroke your arm. I
love being close to you and making you feel good”
“I just got an email from a travel site for a deal on a weekend
getaway, but we have to leave right now. I packed you a bag.”
“I’ve had one of those days. Can you just be quiet and rub my
“Wow. Here. Smoke this.”
Things my perfect match would never say:
"I live OTP"
“The bible says…”
“My pastor says…”
“They should make a law against that”
“Books? I mean, I read magazines”
“Everyone throws their cigarette butts out the car window, so it’s
not really littering.”
“Do they have vegetarian options?”
“You won’t believe what happened on The Bachelor”
Who are you looking for?
This helps us know who to show you on OkCupid.