The links in this profile are people I enjoy or people I can't stand. Mostly people I have enjoyed at one time or another, though. If you are here and you don't know why, you can ask. This is not a complete list by any means. They are the people who occurred to me while I was writing my profile again. * shrug *

I am obviously not here to date…and I think most of the tests on this site are crap…So I guess you could say that I am just here for the chicks.

I'm looking to hang out with people who make me laugh so hard I want to pee my pants. It's hard to have fun with stupid people. Unless it's fun at their expense. Luckily, I'm a naturally sarcastic person so no one takes me seriously anyway.

I have four tiny heathens that are amazingly wonderful and a source of constant joy and frustration. They run/kick/flip/robot/dance their way through life. I want to be just like them when I grow up.

I have many hidden talents. Unfortunately most of them are hidden so well, I'm not even aware of them. I found out awhile ago that if you change your status on myspace to gay or lesbian, your ads change...I just realized I could be getting gay travel discounts just for sleeping with chicks. I have incredibly strong sides of hands.

I guess I should throw in one of these fancy brackets...so OkCupid will think I care puking in my mouth, carcinogens, skeeball there. Now I've accomplished something.

Odds are that I won't like you. I am convinced that I have met the best Okcupid has to offer…but I am fond of making fun of people. So message me immediately. Occaßionally, I am surprised.

I am abusing the nation, one dumbass at a time. Doing my part in the war against stupidity...I hope. I'm raising four kids and going to school to be a literature professor, because I figure someone as fascinating as I am should be influencing future generations. I spend way too much time on the internet, but I promise you I am very busy finding people who need fish put in their mouths and am not bored enough to talk to you…

Surprise! mocking people, writing term papers, shoveling snow, assembling furniture, driving in reverse, reading instruction manuals, Tetris, reading for hours and forgetting where I am, and eating. I am an exceptional eater.

remembering phone numbers, playing skeeball, doing the funky chicken, speaking in bad accents, kicking shins, fluttering and bopping, nearly nothing I enjoy aside from banter and skeeball, making you forget that you were about to leave, reading minds, hanggliding, puzzles, crushing souls, lying, procrastinating, interrupting, passing off my flaws as virtues, and picking up chicks.

okay, maybe not the hanggliding.

baking yummy things, consuming baked goods, feeling ill from too much baked-good consumption, forgetting about that feeling the next time I eat baked goods.

getting hit on at the grocery store, crossword puzzles, making you believe that god awful sweater is flattering, rowing, tapping the glass right next to the "don't tap the glass" sign, being oblivious, and fixing clothespins.

There are many small children walking backwards and doing the robot to the muzack around me. They may also notice that I've just kicked them in the shin, but that's only very special people.

Also, I have weird hair.

Books: I devour a book a day when I am in the mood...which is a good alternative to burning them, I think. There is a saying, if you give a girl a book, she will eat for a day...if you give her a library full of them, she will eat for many days. It is a metaphor. I like books.

They taste like knowledge.

Children's books I love: The Rainbow Goblins, The Bear that Wasn't, Tell Me a Mitzi, nearly everything Dr. Seuss but particularly Horton Hears a Who and The Lorax. Seven Silly Eaters, anything Winnie the Pooh and Stargazer to the Sultan.

The Giver by Lois Lowry, feed by m.t. anderson, A Wrinkle in Time, and Ender's Game are all undeniable proof that there is magic happening in the young adult genre that should not be ignored.

I like poetry...but only good poetry., and I am very critical of it. William Shakespeare, Robert Frost, Elizabeth Barret Browning and Robert Browning (though their story is the best thing, really), e.e. cummings (passionately. do not get me started. I wont shut up. The man was an effing genius), Emily Dickinson, T. S. Eliot, Ezra Pound, among others.

Other authors I am fond of: Amy Tan, Douglas Adams, Alice Sebold, Audrey Niffenegger, Louisa May Alcott, F. Scott Fitzgerald, many many more. Also, as a special note, I think Ernest Hemingway is a fuckwit, over-rated bore. I dont want to argue it or hear how lovely you think he is.

Movies: I typically talk through any movie I try to watch, which I know is very annoying...but sometimes there are things that need to be said. If I had a longer attention span, movies would be better. I do watch documentaries like they are going out of style (though they never will) and a good mockumentary can rock my socks HArD. (Never Been Thawed, bitches. see it).

Reality television is like sunshine for my soul and I watch a lot of british comedies.

Music: I have a playlist for everything. I have playlists for taking baths, for cleaning my house, for laying around, for dancing around in my living room. Mostly, I like music that can blow my mind, make me fall in love, make me laugh, help me relax, make me dance, turn me into a quivering pile of want, or move me in some way. I like music.

Food: I like all kinds of food...for example: gravied food (I know that is a deleted profile, I just can't bring myself to delete the link), saucy food, cheesy food, Italian, Indian, Thai, West-African, American, Mexican...etc...If it's edible, I'll eat it. Even if it's not, I might try.

Thank God for fast metabolism.

leeks au gratin

Well, I hate saying I couldn't do without anything. So far as I know I couldn't live without air, water, food, shelter, or my best friend in the world, wryyyyyyyyyy, although I've lived without all of the above to some extent or for some period of time. Well, aside from air, really. But I would be very unhappy if I had to live without music, books, dental floss, gravy, laughter, and intelligent conversation. yes, I just said gravy.

What am I forgetting?

Why are they looking at me?

Am I wearing pants?

Where do I know her from?

This table would look better over there...

What did I do with my keys?

Rhetorical questions. (Because even I dont know the answer)

Why does the postmaster always laugh at me?

Can I fit one more enchilada in that pan?

Why didn't I write that down?

No one but Michael J. Fox looks good in a puffy vest.

These x-ray glasses are a ripoff.

Zooey Deschanel is hot.

I like the look of squirrels better from far away.

Is this guitar even in tune?

I miss you.

I wonder if they're gonna finish that...

or something....and stuff...

Also, your mom.

Fighting crime. Dancing in my living room. Out and about. Working on my Bat Signal. Writing incomplete sentences. Or sometimes I spend Friday night trying to figure out what other people do on Friday nights and wondering if I'd have more fun at that. Usually, though, I assume I am the epitome of fun. I love the word 'epitome'.

just about anything...it'll probably be a lie. But it will entertain me.

I have eaten a squirrel. I like to sleep with midgets...and knock them around a bit...makes me feel like a tough guy. I once went skinny dipping with a midget, a preacher, and a drag queen. (that one is true). I have also spent 8 hours in a van with a dead body. (also true.) I have more skittles than any human being could want/need in my closet. They are sentimental skittles.

Sometimes I leave notes on people's cars. Because I think it's funny.

I claim to be older sometimes because I fancy the idea of being 29.

I only flirt with strangers I find completely unattractive.

At heart Ill always be a poat <3

You want to make me laugh -- and can accept that I might well laugh at you rather than with you.

someone is paying you to, you want to pay me to answer, you really like emotional abuse, you use good words and like being swooned at for it or you want a great fudge recipe.

Don't message me if you think the message you're about to send is really clever. I'll save you the time and reply here. It isn't. Fuck off.

You know what, if I were you, I just wouldn't. I mean, odds are I'd just mock you. and even if I didn't, you'd fall desperately in love with me and I'd eventually have to crush your soul. And no one wants that. Well, you don't at any rate.