Not very much, but dont hesitate to ask me about "the sippy cup
incident". Now when I say sippy cup, your mind is probably going in
one direction, but Im telling you, you need to adjust your
perspective a full 180 degrees.
Update: The "sippy cup incident" is kinda dated now, but no
worries, of more pressing concern are the "green bean casserole
outrage" and "the boy who cried chest pains". Good stuff.
Also, I recently ruined some guys Christmas on Ebay for a penny.
What the hell was he thinking, ending his bid on even money? It was
two worlds collide, and the world of cheap ruthless computer part
buyers crushed his meek world of CD collectors.
SUPER-MEGA UPDATE! One of my coworkers was attacked by a monkey.
Its filthy diaper exploded.
I got a text message from my brother the other day which just said
"were off milk". WTF?! So it turns out they saw some documentary
about how kids need for calcium is a big lie and you should keep
dairy to less than 5% of your diet. Well of course Ive known him
his whole life so I start down the road of "oh for christs sake, we
drank milk and ate dairy our whole childhood and you turned out
ok." But then I had to admit, hes not OK, hes bald and he has the
rabies. Counter-example: DENIED.
Im at the Meier picking up some odds-n-ends and a case of bottled
water. Dont hate, haters. Of course I left the case of bottled
water in the cart at the checkout lane, but I didnt shirk my
culpability. When I got to the clerk I said "You know how sometimes
you get a frail or elderly person and they just cant lift the case
of water onto the belt? My case is more pathetic and contemptible
because I could easily lift it but Im just too lazy to do
Also while wearing big yellow recently, I was told both that I
looked like a hobo, and that I was dressed like a transient. So Im
conducting an informal survey on my facebook page as to whether I
look more like a hobo, or a transient.
Update: Last Monday I set out to get donuts for the office. It
turned into an odyssey. At one point I fought a cyclops! It was
rough going for a while but I managed to blind him with a fire
sharpened stick and sneak out while clinging to the belly of a
Update: Im now wracked by feelings of guilt and shame. I
participated in the purchase of donut baking pans for a holiday
gift. Yeh, thats right, I said it, donut baking pans. I know its
wrong on every level to think you can take an inherently unhealthy
and delicious item and somehow make it "better" by substituting
baking for deep fat frying. It was on my nieces holiday gift list
though and I couldnt talk the old woman out of it. I feel
Update: No college football on new years day!? Are you shitting
me!? This is a blatant and unforgivable anti-trust violation
committed by the NFL, TV networks, NCAA, and the BCS! And just
because there were some close games on January 2nd is no reason to
forgive or forget the ABOMINATION which is the BCS, which I have
hated FROM THE MOMENT IT CLAWED ITS WAY SCREAMING OUT OF SATAN'S
ASSHOLE! Incidentally, a playoff system would be almost as
unappealing as the BCS.
Update: Im afraid I inadvertently ruined the last, best hope for
peace in our lives between squirrels and cats. I was just walking
through the living room to get a cup of coffee from the kitchen. I
didnt know negotiations were at the tipping point. How could I have
Update: I recently discovered the funniest video in the history of
YouTube "Shits on Fire" uploaded by LordSnotsky. You might want to
put on your adult diapers before you watch it though. You have been
warned. Big props to LordSnotsky, whomever he is for also uploading
the classic Jack Burton query!
So I was squeezing Oliver today, and it was a vigorous squeezing,
and I see the look on his face is one of total disinterest. He was
just sitting there waiting for it to be over with an expression on
his little cat face like, "Are you done buddy? Because my litter
box needs scooped and my food dish is low". Also, I think he
outwitted me in an insidious way recently. The prophet knows no
honor in his own land!
Update: I taught my three year old nephew how to say "wretched
fools" about Buckeye fans who think Meyer is a good coach and the
thing that will keep the OSU out of the B10 championship game is
the probation... not the 3 games minimum they will lose this fall.
I grew up in central Ohio. Im a Buckeye fan. Im just not delusional
Update: Mea Culpa. Im not wrong about Meyer or the Buckeyes this
season, theyre shitty. But I was badly mistaken about the quality
of the Big 10 specifically, and college football generally this
year. So in fact, and ironically, it IS the probation keeping OSU
from playing the equally shitty but fortunate Irish in the
"championship" game. The best part being of course that Bama is
going to Riverdance on NDs balls, and would do the same to OSU, but
the Irish and Buckeyes are actually evenly matched.
Update: I discovered recently I have been living a giant lie for
over 7 months. However, I brined the bird for the first time this
year and it was a triumph. It was the finest yet written.