My bald headed brother has the rabies. I told him feeding that wild squirrel was crazy but did he listen NOOOOOOO.

Yep, its the rabies alright.

AND the clerk at half price books seems to care more about this than his own mother! When I told the old woman he has the rabies all she had to say was "I dont care about that."

Once again just reinforcing that since they moved to Michigan the Huhns are dead to her.

I just noticed that I failed to mention its my little brother, hes younger than me, but hes lost a lot of hair and what he has left is mostly grey. Don't feel bad for him though, Ive been supportive of him right from his late 20s when he started losing it. I immediately began referring to him as baldy.

So my buddy says to me the other night, "No, I dont think they will say that. I dont think they will say ebullient. I dont think anybody says that."

Can you believe that shit? This is why hes no longer the man of the people. Thats some straight up ivory tower bullshit there.

Now, I must admit, he was vindicated on the last episode of American History Minute involving my dramatic construction of Mt. Picklebachi. However the shoe was on the other elitist foot when it came to watching Jordan play with the Wizards!

As Hedo Turkoglu says "Ball."

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I am intellectual, charismatic, and determined.

Now my shoulder hurts too, and my wrists and elbows.Cats, with hats. Who likes the bang bang shrimp at Bonefish? F-35, any thoughts? I hate Graeters ice cream and I dont give a shit how Oprah feels about it.

Im not going down for you killing Jojo the tire man!

You said it Joe-boy.

Honey badger dont care.

I will now say a good thing about Sarah Palin. She is more sane than Michele Bachmann. That is all.

I made crawfish etouffee recently, and it was awful. Worse yet, the stink of it is lingering in my house like a malodorous presence. Its like Ann Coulter is hanging around in my place. I turned the AC up to 76 and cracked all the windows hoping I could cycle all the air out, but no. Its still here. This might take a priest, a rabbi, and a methodist minister!

I can look at grumpy cat pictures all day!

Not very much, but dont hesitate to ask me about "the sippy cup incident". Now when I say sippy cup, your mind is probably going in one direction, but Im telling you, you need to adjust your perspective a full 180 degrees.

Update: The "sippy cup incident" is kinda dated now, but no worries, of more pressing concern are the "green bean casserole outrage" and "the boy who cried chest pains". Good stuff.

Also, I recently ruined some guys Christmas on Ebay for a penny. What the hell was he thinking, ending his bid on even money? It was two worlds collide, and the world of cheap ruthless computer part buyers crushed his meek world of CD collectors.

SUPER-MEGA UPDATE! One of my coworkers was attacked by a monkey. Its filthy diaper exploded.

I got a text message from my brother the other day which just said "were off milk". WTF?! So it turns out they saw some documentary about how kids need for calcium is a big lie and you should keep dairy to less than 5% of your diet. Well of course Ive known him his whole life so I start down the road of "oh for christs sake, we drank milk and ate dairy our whole childhood and you turned out ok." But then I had to admit, hes not OK, hes bald and he has the rabies. Counter-example: DENIED.

Im at the Meier picking up some odds-n-ends and a case of bottled water. Dont hate, haters. Of course I left the case of bottled water in the cart at the checkout lane, but I didnt shirk my culpability. When I got to the clerk I said "You know how sometimes you get a frail or elderly person and they just cant lift the case of water onto the belt? My case is more pathetic and contemptible because I could easily lift it but Im just too lazy to do so."

Also while wearing big yellow recently, I was told both that I looked like a hobo, and that I was dressed like a transient. So Im conducting an informal survey on my facebook page as to whether I look more like a hobo, or a transient.

Update: Last Monday I set out to get donuts for the office. It turned into an odyssey. At one point I fought a cyclops! It was rough going for a while but I managed to blind him with a fire sharpened stick and sneak out while clinging to the belly of a sheep.

Update: Im now wracked by feelings of guilt and shame. I participated in the purchase of donut baking pans for a holiday gift. Yeh, thats right, I said it, donut baking pans. I know its wrong on every level to think you can take an inherently unhealthy and delicious item and somehow make it "better" by substituting baking for deep fat frying. It was on my nieces holiday gift list though and I couldnt talk the old woman out of it. I feel dirty.

Update: No college football on new years day!? Are you shitting me!? This is a blatant and unforgivable anti-trust violation committed by the NFL, TV networks, NCAA, and the BCS! And just because there were some close games on January 2nd is no reason to forgive or forget the ABOMINATION which is the BCS, which I have hated FROM THE MOMENT IT CLAWED ITS WAY SCREAMING OUT OF SATAN'S ASSHOLE! Incidentally, a playoff system would be almost as unappealing as the BCS.

Update: Im afraid I inadvertently ruined the last, best hope for peace in our lives between squirrels and cats. I was just walking through the living room to get a cup of coffee from the kitchen. I didnt know negotiations were at the tipping point. How could I have known that?

Update: I recently discovered the funniest video in the history of YouTube "Shits on Fire" uploaded by LordSnotsky. You might want to put on your adult diapers before you watch it though. You have been warned. Big props to LordSnotsky, whomever he is for also uploading the classic Jack Burton query!

So I was squeezing Oliver today, and it was a vigorous squeezing, and I see the look on his face is one of total disinterest. He was just sitting there waiting for it to be over with an expression on his little cat face like, "Are you done buddy? Because my litter box needs scooped and my food dish is low". Also, I think he outwitted me in an insidious way recently. The prophet knows no honor in his own land!

Update: I taught my three year old nephew how to say "wretched fools" about Buckeye fans who think Meyer is a good coach and the thing that will keep the OSU out of the B10 championship game is the probation... not the 3 games minimum they will lose this fall. I grew up in central Ohio. Im a Buckeye fan. Im just not delusional about it.

Update: Mea Culpa. Im not wrong about Meyer or the Buckeyes this season, theyre shitty. But I was badly mistaken about the quality of the Big 10 specifically, and college football generally this year. So in fact, and ironically, it IS the probation keeping OSU from playing the equally shitty but fortunate Irish in the "championship" game. The best part being of course that Bama is going to Riverdance on NDs balls, and would do the same to OSU, but the Irish and Buckeyes are actually evenly matched.

Update: I discovered recently I have been living a giant lie for over 7 months. However, I brined the bird for the first time this year and it was a triumph. It was the finest yet written.

Ive taken mediocrity to previously unknown heights.

Im obese and owning it baby. My BMI is 36. My brother thinks I should shoot for overweight, frankly I think I might as well just go for table 2. I think table 2 is a more realistic goal.

Update: Ive broken through to table 2! Conversely Im 42 pounds from overweight. Short of a shark attack, I aint gonna get there.

I like books, movies, and food, not necessarily in that order.

I would like to mention however if youre female, strike that, if youre a human being, and you think "liking" Ayn Rand makes you sound intelligent or sophisticated, youre sadly mistaken. That chick was one dumb bitch. And bitch is not the word I typically use to describe her. Really. If you dont understand your IQ didnt break 3 digits so just move on.

But let me say a word about Suckerpunch aka "chick matrix".

Ok, so its been done before it could still be cool. Now the target audience doesnt really have a reference for One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, or Brazil, but they do know The Matrix. If you put the three of these in a blender, bang, Suckerpunch.

I hope for nothing. I fear nothing. I am free.

Thinking makes my head hurt.

Admit something private on the internet... sounds like trouble to me.

You are so inclined.