For your own safety I recommend not messaging me if you're unable (or unwilling) to spell basic words properly.

*Ahem*

Hi. I'm Dan.

I'm not pierced, inked or addicted to anything unholy; this makes me good 'take me home to meet your mother' material.

I'm irrefutably British in every way conceivable: I raise my little finger when drinking tea, view sunshine as an urban myth, and the majority of my humour consists of ridiculing people using unnecessarily long words. I'm known to exclaim such cringe-worthy phrases as 'golly, gee!' or 'oopsydaisies!', and sometimes invent my own swear words (like 'nungefugget'). I have absolutely no intention of ever growing up, and my life ambition is to become famous solely so I can go to Madame Tussauds, stand really still, then scare the crap out of someone.

I get on well with grandparents, mothers, cats and sisters — while I fear fathers who pat you on the back, address you as 'Sport' and assume that, being male, you must like football. Brothers and large dogs have a similar effect on me.

I'm one of those 'gets up in the middle of the night, exclaims "Eureka!", switches light on, rummages around for pen and paper, scribbles something illegible, goes back to bed for ten minutes, then does the same thing again' people. My right eyelid twitches when I'm confused. I dislike closed doors and enjoy spying on people from behind sunglasses: I notice smiles, scars and the colour of eyes, but forget clothes, hair and the colour of skin. I still get as excited when it snows as I did when I was five.

It's nice to meet you.

I've just massively cut my hours at work so I can devote time to writing a novel and setting myself up as a freelance Grammar Nazi. Progress somewhat impeded after discovering LoveFilm have the complete works of Joss Whedon on demand...

sleeping. I excel at this.

Also: spelling, spooning, making inappropriate comments, fixing your computer, and arguing with religious people.

I have this really bad habit called 'speaking my mind', so probably my voice as people turn around and growl "Who the F**K said that??"

However I'm also told I have a bright smile and long eyelashes. :)

Books
Douglas Adams, J.D. Salinger, e.e. Cummings, Larkin, David Sedaris, Bret Easton Ellis, Kerouac, Saki, Bakunin, Dawkins, Harris, Hitchens

I really want to read a horror book which actually scares me. If anyone can recommend such a book I would be in your debt.

Films
[Rec], The Orphanage, 500 Days of Summer, A Clockwork Orange, Amelie, Before Sunrise/Before Sunset, Buffalo Soldiers, Dead Poets Society, Fight Club, Human Traffic, Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, Requiem for a Dream, The Rules of Attraction, American Psycho, Sin City, Thank You for Smoking, Trainspotting

Deep, stimulating conversation
Wit
Stationery
Punk rock
The Internet
Chewing gum

really weird shit.

For instance: if you put metal in a microwave, it explodes. And if you put a hamster in a microwave, it implodes. So what happens if the hamster has braces?

ideally curled up with a good book, safe from the horde of unwashed masses descending upon Cardiff. Usually.

I'm pretty honest and open, really: that's not to say I don't have any skeletons in my closet, just that they're regularly wheeled out on display.

*Thinks of stuff which might be classed as 'private'*
I like curvy girls; I am fairly certain I have an actual addiction to my computer; I'm quite hairy; people tell me I look like Jake Gyllenhaal and Jude Law; I own a guitar but I can't play it.

Yep. That's about it.

You know what a book is.

You agree there is little in this world more sexy than a correctly used semicolon.

You know that the hardest part of the zombie apocalypse will be pretending you're not excited.