If I was a cat, I'd dislike myself.
If I was a planet, I'd be Saturn.
If I was a book, I'd be an encyclopedia
If I was a finger, I'd be the index..
If I was a Bob Seger song, I'd be "Roll Me Away".
If I was a God, I'd be Odin.
If I was a particle, I'd be a wave.
If I was Wutang, I'd be Gza.
If I was a flower, I'd be a tulip bulb.
If I was a wine, I'd be a Vouvray.
If I was a pie, I'd be a cobbler.
If I was a cake, I'd be German Chocolate.
If I was a sidekick, I'd be Huey Hunkel (if you get this extremely obscure comic book reference I will immediately pledge my life in your service).
If I was a myth, I'd be Icarus.
In all seriousness, I am a tangle of contradictions. A talkative introvert. A silly intellectual. A tender-hearted snob. I am the type of person who goes into a seedy, West Virginia strip club with King Lear in my back pocket (true story). I like people but am skeptical about humanity.
I do my very best to be kind. I've lived a full and interesting life, for better and worse, and it shows no signs of changing. And at some point very soon I will be transported to the great and terrible skyplex hidden behind the moon and asked by Alien Astronauts to explain the plots of various Jennifer Lopez movies as a way for them to properly understand 21st century Earth culture. Sadly, my resolve will falter when we come to "Monster-in-Law" and the Alien Astronauts will decide the Earth is not worth saving. For that, I'd like to apologize in advance.