Well, I guess I was overcome again last night. I’ve been in a weird kind of mood lately anyways I guess. It makes me a duck… with an i. How? Well let’s see… I don’t really know how it happened… but… maybe it’s just that innate part of me that is like, the remnants of the Navy where you had to be a jerk or people wouldn’t respect you… or my passive aggressive nature that just… grrrr… I don’t really know, but it’s a part of me I guess.

            I’m sure there’s something like, I see all these people around me like, couples and friends and such and I consciously kinda ignore it, but subconsciously I’m all angry about it, and then I just boil under the surface until it bubbles over and makes a big mess. Then I write some emo poetry, like what I put on facebook:

 

Having everything is meaningless when you have nothing within.

Your life is a lie, and you're chained by your sin.

You search for a way to lighten your soul,

and dig yourself deeper into your self-consuming hole.

You envy the ones that surround you with light.

The same people who are often immune to your plight.

 So you smile and nod and try to fit in,

but you don't even know where one thing ends, and another begins.

Your existance is wrong, you can't even cry.

 So you sit and you wait for the day that you die.

 

            So there was this girl, who has a roommate. And this girl was kind of sad… maybe because her roommate is kind of similar to her, but then again kinda not. They’re both kinda bigger, curvy, fluffy, bbw, whatever you want to call them… Both are single, like cats and birds and stuff like that… one likes anime the other likes my little pony… This girl moved down to San Diego to be with her true love, who then left her. So now she’s in San Diego and has to work with a guy she loved and… his mother maybe. I dunno. They see each other kinda regularly I take it.

            Meanwhile her friend has had more sex than… gosh I don’t even know. I can’t count that high. It’s like take the number of times I’ve had sex and raise it to the nth degree. Actually maybe not that much. I think if it was a binary number it’d be a 9 bit number that was like 111111111, yup, all ones. I think that’s about how many times she’s done it. It’s ridiculous. I use binary because I’ve only had sex a couple times, thus base 2… which makes more sense than putting it in decimal since I’ve not done it 10 times, and so it’d be misleading to have a number 5x’s bigger than it really is.

            But, like they say, there are 10 kinds of people who get binary.

 

            01 those who do

            10 those who do not.

 

            That was a little joke… but maybe it was too nerdy… well that’s good because that means that I’ll make a lot of money as a programmer one day. Or a Network Systems Engineer or Analyst. I’m not sure yet, but it’s going to have computers! (Any of those three occupations are expected to have a ~50% demand increase by the time I finish college as forecast by the Dept. of Labor, so that looks good for me!)

            Anyways, I spent a page talking about nothing. Well she’s been depressed… so I told her to start eating and stop when she feels better. (That’s kind of what I do. I find most of my moods come on when I’m hungry… Hey you think I’m a jerk lately because I have been trying to diet?) So she said she has ice cream but it’s not helping… and I was like, well just keep eating… and she said ‘cause that’s gonna work… and I was like, well that’s why they call it comfort food…

            Yeah well, later she asks if she can run me over with a car, and I was like, um, no… but maybe there are other guys who will let you do that… and then she was all, well my ex would have done it if I gave him sex first… and the thing about me is I HATE, hate hate hate hate hate…. It when people compare me… and to me, that was a comparison that I’m not as good as her ex because he would have done it… So I said the first thing that came out of my mouth, which I do anyways… I guess.

            “Well then I guess you should have fought to keep him.” So… she was all, yeah don’t talk to me for a while.

 

            So that was one… and then the other one I guess is a girl in my class, who also likes anime… but like, yeah I’m 7 years (or 8 soon maybe) older than she is… and she’s one of those like, I’m bored all the time, girls. It’s my belief that if you have no life, then you’re bored all the time… because people like me, and all the people in my peer group in their mid 20’s… We’re not bored, EVER… There’s a million things to do at any time of the day. We’re struggling to fit it all in, having to pick and choose what we can do today and what we will do tomorrow. Like for goodness sakes, look at Lara… she just got married, just got back from her honeymoon in Hawaii, just got back from a NIN concert… she went to Vegas like every 2 weeks, and she has her own house and like she has a job which she got like this summer and she wants a new one at a Vet’s office. She’s the most crazy, busy person I know. Her social networking sites are just filled with stuff that boggles my mind.

            She’s NEVER, ever bored… more like tired all the time but having so much fun she doesn’t care. I have school and my upcoming job, and even the dill pickle all the way over there in MD has her job, and her family, and her condo/apt by the bay and 2 cats and like… none of us are all, I’m so bored… boo hoo. It’s gotta be one of those, I’m out of high school, I live with my parents, I don’t have a job, and I can’t get into bars/clubs… so wahhh, I’m bored. I want to smoke weed and find someone over 21 to buy me liquor.

            Yeah well, so I asked her about some game I guess… and she was like, I dunno… and then I was all, oh you’re not a gamer girl… usually it has been my experience that anime girls are also gamer girls… but gamer girls are not necessarily anime girls. It’s like how all transcendental numbers are irrational, but not all irrational numbers are transcendental. –nods-

            So, using my handy dandy “classify everything” system, I said she was a low to mid level otaku, but nothing else. So she said she was kind of nerdy yeah… but then I guess the English Lit major in me came out and was like, no you’re not a nerd, you’re a geek… there’s a difference. I guess I was still all mad at her because she was all pissy because I said the word “moist” at her… Every time I talk to her though it’s always, this guy is so hot, or those guys are so awesome, or that guy is …. Blah blah blah… She has a b/f and he’s so… and I’m jealous… and then I’m sitting here going, -nod nod nod- uhhh-huh… and then I threw the word moist out there and she was all, don’t say that shit to me. Like whatever then… I was seriously tempted to say, well maybe you’d have a hot ass guy too if you lost 20 lbs and got rid of those stretch marks on your arms… but that’d be very mean, so I didn’t say that. I’m getting better at it!

            So yeah, I guess I’m in that time of the month where I just become really irritable and… a dick. Now I’m going to do some training about child abuse prevention… and then, Japanese. Who knows… maybe they’re all right… maybe I need more sex, or more alcohol, or both… Everyone I’ve talked to said that if I had sex again, I’d mellow out and then I’d be “fixed” or something. So maybe I can get a girl drunk enough to where she things a stop sign is hot. That’s what they told me in high school…

            Either get a girl who’s just 18, or maybe younger… and hasn’t ever done it, because then you’d be like wow to her… or just get her ridiculous drunk and then she’ll think even YOU are hot.

            Thanks, guys… nice to know what my friends think of me. All 3 of them. (I had three in high school… now I have… a few on the internet, yes.) Go figure though.

            So school’s been in session for like 3 weeks now… It’s going alright… I think I treated it like it was military school, thinking it would be fast paced and full of work all the time so I would just be studying non-stop… and in math it kind of is… I guess, if I let it. But things like Japanese and Computer Science and Humanities, which are all the other classes I take, it’s like… really? Comp Sci especially… I was like, oh man, we have to do this before the next class! Whew, it’s like a 6-7 page text book assignment and then a lab assignment… so it was a lot of typing… but then I find out that you have a week to do it and I was like, a week? That’s cake. Silly me and doing it all the day after he assigned it… well because that’s what I’m used to… So I’m like wow, I thought college would be all hard, and stuff, but it’s like… I only have 4 classes, which is 16 units… and considered a solid full-time student… and it does keep my pretty busy, but… it’s still like half of what I did before.

            In Power School we got up and were in school by 0630, and we finished at 1500… so it’s like 8 hours of school a day, every day Mon-Fri. We had like 5 classes at a time, and we had a test in every class every week. Each test was cumulative, and short answer only. No multiple choice, T/F, fill in the blank… We just were given blank pieces of printer paper, and a test page, and it’s like… GO! This whole buying scantron things is like, gaaah… Mostly because I’m like… don’t want to pay the $2 to get a packet. –lol- Well because I don’t carry cash and it’s lame to be like, $2? Can I put that on my card…

            So, this is like, wow, so laid back and everyone’s all… out of high school kinda… pretty much it seems. All the 19 year olds are in their second year here, and all the 18 year olds still hang out in their cliques as all of them came from their high schools together. BFF! –lol-

            So yeah I feel like one of the old people, but I still dress like I’m in high school, so people don’t know that I’m really 26, and think that I’m like 20. I guess being Asian helps a lot too because we age really suddenly… I mean, I’ll look around 20 for another 10 years maybe… then I’ll be 40 for like another 20 years, and then all of a sudden I’ll become like 80… I’m sure it’ll be like that. –lol-

            However, I’m still not terribly sociable… just going to class, taking notes, doing the work and then going home. I don’t hang around on campus… I am sort of surprised when I go out there every day and walk by the eating area and there’s like… stores there. Little tent shops selling… well, whatever. It’s all crap to me. I understand the ASB promoting events and clubs and stuff, but like… Banks and T-shirt stalls? It’s like… really? I just want to walk from my class to the book store to get something and I have to be accosted by those people that are all, hey hey! Check this out, bro. –shudder-

            The whole, find friends online who also go to Palomar is like a bust too you know. I mean I got some e-mails from people who are all, Hey I go there too! But… then I write them back and then I never get a reply… I just go, oh really? What classes do you take? How long have you been there? What do you think about the school? And then possibly the whole, what do you do for fun and stuff. I don’t like, hey what color is your underwear? I mean you know… I don’t think I’m being too unreasonable… but who knows. I have a strange aura they say… Either that or I come on too strong… and can’t lie, which means I’m blunt and like, bam! There it is, in your face. (Yo!)

            -shrug- Like I tell my parents when they ask me if I’m making friends… I’m not going to school to network and get buddies and find true love or anything. I’m going there to get an education so I can have a skill that I can use to find a job. A job doing something I’d like… which is getting paid to sit at a computer all day… since I do that even if I don’t get paid. So I guess I don’t really care if I don’t make a ton of friends, and have a group following or something.

            Still, having A friend would be nice I guess… but, whatever… I come home to let the dogs out so they don’t pee on the floor… and sweep the floors, and vacuum upstairs sometimes and take a nap and what not so… -shrug- It’s probably just me being lonely again that comes out from time to time like a pot that boils over then simmers back down.

 

            My whole diet, which I have coined the “Put down the fork, fattie” diet, is uh, different I guess… The sensation of always being hungry is something I have to contend with… Usually I get hungry, wait a little bit, then eat a lot. So I can stand being hungry, but then I eat and am full… now I’m like, hungry, eat, am still hungry and have to stay that way until I eat again… and I only eat twice a day… unless I wake up really early like today then I eat some bread or something because I can’t go until like near 1 pm to eat after being up for many hours and having to sit through like 4 hours of lecture… which take a lot of energy… Especially in humanities, when they start going on about the Odyssey. It’s like, really… you have a power point presentation of 4 slides, 2 of which are pictures (1 from the movie, and 1 is a map), and the other 2 don’t have a lot of text on them… and you just go back and forth between the 4 of them for an hour… So it’s kinda… ZzzzZzzzZz… sometimes. Having 3 instructors in 1 class is also kinda new…

            But anyways, I think it’s giving me weird dreams… that or my whole, perusing CL when I get bored to read the wild and outrageous things posted there. You know if you’re a girl you can make a bunch of money by pooping? I mean, dudes will pay you like $100 to let them watch you poop. They’ll give you like 50$ more if you poop on them. It’s like a whole uh… list of stuff and how much it’s worth. 25$ to smell your farts, 40$ for face sitting. It’s all like, well you need 55$ for WoW to transfer your character over? Just take a poop on the guy’s chest. –lol- That’s like 3x’s what you need. All for a couple minutes of “work”.

            Then there’s ads for male models and stuff, and I was all, ahhh I might have been able to do that one day, but now I’ve gone all soft and such… which is why I have to die with a t. Although I did get an e-mail from my ad for a guy looking for texting/im/e-mail friends who also go to Palomar. It was one of those, I’m not gay but…. And then he went on to say he’s like in his mid-40’s and has a lovely new van with dark tinted windows, and he wants to give me money to play with my cock and stuff. Maybe a little more if he can suck on it. I’m like, so… how are you NOT gay if you want a guy’s cock… and will pay him for it? I don’t know, people are always like, “oh the economy!” but there’s dudes who are straight and paying for cock? And other dudes want to pay to watch girls poop? So, this is where you money goes?

            Personally I’d buy more electronic equipment or something. –lol- but that’s just the geeky part of me. Anyways, I’m getting weird, weird dreams… like… some are sexually explicit… yeah let’s not go into those really… some are just, gross…. Trying to use a push broom and a roll of toilet paper to clean up a bunch of crap on the carpet. (Literally, someone crapped on the carpet and I was trying to sweep it up then cover it in toilet paper and throw it in the toilet. It seemed like the thing to do!) Only I guess I got some on my hand then I went and touched my face, and I was like, gahh!! There’s poop on my face! Smooth… then running into the bathroom and trying to wash it off in the sink.

            But the one I had tonight was like, I was in a class of sorts, and the instructor was asking us, how could we make the world a better place. This one girl was like, I want a new job and to move in with my best friend… and it was like, uhhh… okay then. I’m sure that would change the world a little, maybe. But then she looked at me and was like, how would you make the world a better place? Then someone yelled, “die” at me and I was like, yeah I’m sure the world would be a better place if I died… but that’s not the right answer, so to speak.

            So I was like, “I think that everyone should eat food from other countries. If you can come to eat their food, you can experience a part of their culture. By understanding their culture you can better understand them, and we wouldn’t be so prejudiced against people. Fear is the basis of prejudice. You don’t know them, you don’t understand them, you just assume and you stereotype them. Then you lump it all together and you hate them. However, as a person who likes to eat, I think that if we could all just travel the world and try all kinds of cultural foods, then we could all be better off.”

            Then like, I guess there wasn’t much to say after that… and so I was suddenly at a picnic or something, and there were more people than expected so food was in short supply. They had ordered party subs from Subway, but everyone could only have half as much as usual… and I was all kinda grrr about it… because it was like a 3” sub now, which was square because of how they cut it. So me and this other guy, who I think was a marine, were all like, this is crap! Yeah we were all upset about it, and I went and cut the sandwich horizontally, so you got the size that they (whoever they are) wanted. Then Lt. JG was all going to serve people (because in reality officers serve us… riiight) and he was all, oh, it’s been cut already… so he was kind of confused. But then I woke up around that time… so I guess I’m hungry.

            Like the fat princess in me (since Katrina’s been playing that a little lately) is all, “FEED ME CAKE!!” or something. –lol- Well you know if you’ve seen it… She starts out all cute and thin and she’s like, “Could I have some cake-y please?” So you give her a couple pieces and she plumps up, and then she changes her voice, and you keep giving her cake until she’s like 4x’s bigger and is all, “I’m hunnnnnnngryyyy!!” and stuff… And then when the other team comes to try and kidnap her, the dude picks her up and he’s like, “-huff- oh gawd!” and he can’t walk away with her… You actually can’t even see him, because she’s so huge. It’s funny but apparently it outrages feminists. –shakes his fist- Feminists… Tee hee.

            So I guess this is where I stop to cut some of that French loaf off and have it with some water and ice. Something like that. I want food! –lol-

 

I don’t know how I can be

The one who can see

The way to free

That hidden part inside of me

 

Everything I want is here;

Always so close, always so near.

Yet still do I cower in fear,

Encasing my dreams in crystal tear.

 

I should just open my eyes,

Stand up and doff this ‘guise.

See the truth beyond the lies

And stop being concerned with a person’s size.

 

I want to just reach out my hand

Grasping it, despite the demand

That I can’t stand;

Haunting me against my command.

 

Is that really all I have to do?

Could the dream finally be true?

Can my heart undergo a coup

Simply by being with you?

            Well, a lot’s happened in the past few days I guess. I actually met someone from online… (OKC, yes…) and I went to the beach to meet her. She was with her friends, which was natural because usually you have other people around for first meetings. Of course, I’m a little wary because of our age difference… I mean she’s 1 year older than my sister… but I mean, she’s legal, so… that’s all that matters?

            Beyond that we get along pretty well. She’s easy to talk to, and we have similar interests. Of course I haven’t been able to see her again after that, but I’m hoping that I will one day soon. I don’t know really, I mean, it’s definitely nice that I can be myself, and she’s like, -smile-. Most people would be like, gawd damn you’re fucked up. –lol- Yeah so, I don’t know.

            I had jury duty today, which was exciting. I said it would be the most action packed part of my month. It lasted about 4 hours, and I spent the whole time just watching anime. So that was nice. It was like, eh… whatever, and I am free from doing it for 12 months. I also got to sit next to this gorgeous woman… I was like, wow… She’s breath taking. It was very impressive… and then at the end I found out she was a magazine editor… and she was all frazzled because I guess they have a lot of work and she doesn’t have time to be here. Which is understandable… Newspapers and magazines are dying. Everything’s going electronic, so like, newspapers especially… they’re dying out. First they had to compete with the news, and now the internet… like really. I can get a story on my phone minutes after it happened, rather than waiting a whole day to read about it on a dead tree paper…

            Anyways, the next big event is Friday when I go to my academic counselor… and then buy books… I’ll have to go to the school bookstore and look at the covers to make sure I get the right ones off amazon. Mostly because I have gift certificates… like a couple hundred dollars worth. When you can buy a book off amazon for like 40$, whereas in the school’s store it’s 130$... well! I think you don’t have to be in Calc II to figure out which one is a better deal. –lol-

            So I read the profile of this person who described her ideal guy as “ a tall, smart Asian male, who’s sweet, caring and nice.” I of course think that there’s more to it than that… There has to be. A lot of Asian guys could describe themselves thusly… How do I really know? Well, just go look through the forums for topics that are about Asian guys, I guess… some of them are like ehhh, and some of them are all like, well they seem like they’d fit that.

            Anyways, I was curious since, well, I wanted to know more about it… I guess I started asking if she thought there was only one person, like your fated person… or if it was more general, and there were a number of people you could end up with. She said that she felt that God makes you, and your partner, and then you just date, marry, divorce until you wind up together. So that was kind of interesting…

            Somehow it evolved into a discussion about whether she just ends up believing blindly or if she starts to question things… I guess because I was questioning things. Oh I think I remember… it was like, she said she didn’t want to argue, and if she got into a relationship where she argued then it wouldn’t be one worth keeping. So I asked her like, what will you do when you fight? Because, relationships take effort and stuff… It won’t just fall on you and bam, you’re happy forever… You’re going to disagree and argue about stuff from time to time, whether it’s about money, how to raise your kids, or each others family, or who knows?

            The arguing is a process that can be good, because it helps you see your partner’s point of view, and lets you work towards a compromise… Of course, she has parents that are like, the perfect couple, and never argue, except like twice I guess… and so she demands a relationship like that… coming from a family that does nothing but argue, well... I guess I tend to think about stuff like that. Plan for the worst, and hope for the best, you know.

            So then I guess I asked about her views on religion and if she just accepted whatever was put in front of her, and she said maybe she might doubt some things, but she ultimately believes everything everyone says. Blind faith you see… I was taught to question everything… and by doing so you can have a greater understanding of yourself, the people around you and the world you live in. It was an ethics and religion class. We were trying to be taught how God is greater than any box we can put Him in, and that it isn’t wrong to question the church… Doing so strengthens your faith as you challenge these ideas and come to find out that you believe, or don’t… and if you don’t then at least you can find something you DO believe in, rather than just believing because the dude told me so.

            But I guess these kinds of radical ideas and questions cause undue stress upon her mind, and she said I was invading her personal space or something, and so I wasn’t really supposed to talk to her anymore because she doesn’t want stress. I have no real idea how questions about your belief system can cause you stress, unless you are like, building your castle on the sand and know about it… and then someone forces you to look at it and you see all the holes and flaws and get freaked out. That’d be kind of stressful, I guess. I mean if someone was to ask me I’d just tell them… It’s part of being brutally honest. We don’t fear anything, even when we’re wrong we admit it, rectify it, and suffer the consequences. Then we get over it, and learn from it and try not to do it again.

            -shrug- Ah well, things that are too good to be true usually are. I’m sure she’ll find someone soon enough. I mean her standards are high, says she, but I don’t really think so… There’s a lot of Asian people in the UC system… or, most any college I guess… So I am sure she’ll get someone, and then find his flaws and get another one, and just cycle through men until she finds the one… who just happens to live in Southern California, since her parents don’t want her to go too far from home.

            There certainly are a lot of good looking people in San Diego though. I know, because I see them every day. Even as I sat in at Palomar there were like good looking girls everywhere… They all kind of fell into their own cliques too, it was amusing. Like you get the surfer type girls, with their shorts and slippers and Roxy this, and blah blah… and the artsy girls with their little hats and favorite old sneakers, and the indie girls with their headphones, t-shirts, jeans and checking myspace before class starts… -nods- all types of people. Same with the guys too: the sporty guys, with their jerseys, the skater guys who carry their boards, the gangstas with corn rows and bling and low riding jeans. Yeah, all types…

            I guess it motivated me to exercise in the hopes that I’ll look a little better for the start of school… that and how I walked around the math building and got tired… That was kind of lame. Of course it’s putting stress on my knees and stuff so I end up kind of limping after I stand up, but… Well I’ve never done anything strenuous in a while so it’s to be expected right?

            Then we have the subject of my sister… who still has no car, and no job and spends every waking moment with her b/f… According to Kimberly, this is apparently the teenage romantic’s dream… And is the ideal relationship of people in their teens. No worries, no pressures, no commitments… just spending all this time together. That one girl at UCR called it “healthy”. I don’t really think it’s healthy… I am all for spending time together, but that just looks unnatural. Time together is important as is time apart… which I count as working, going to school, or just doing stuff away from each other. Dawn didn’t think work counted as alone time… but I am like, well I was alone, away from you… but, that’s one of the areas we differed on. –shrug- I don’t know. I guess it’s part of my, I want to be with you, but I don’t want to become you. It seemed like they were just ceasing to be 2 people and became enmeshed, and like, resulted in this thing… like the ice climbers… always having to be together, within arms reach… trying to scale some never ending mountain or whatever. I don’t know. Maybe I’m a believer of too much of a good thing is bad.

            Anyways, they wanted me to drive them to the beach, because they had friends over there… and they didn’t have a car, or money or anything except a tank top, shorts, and sun screen. So, fine, I guess… why not? So I drive them to the beach which is like a 30-40 minute drive west… with Katrina because we can’t leave her alone… and Katrina cries because she wants to go to the beach, and Joline is like, oh well we’ll go later with just the family… and telling her she has to go home to be with mom and the dogs, and this and that… and so we never get out of the car, just turn around and come back…

            Then I sit down and have that conversation with that girl that I wrote about, and then right after that I guess she calls the house and said that they went to get something to eat, and when they came back everyone was gone… so now they were stuck there… and wanted to come home. Well heck no I’m not getting up again and driving all the way down there to get them. They’re young, and dumb and have had lunch and they’re in love… at the beach… Screw that, they can stay there for another few hours and we’ll get them in the evening. There’s a pier, and a movie theater, and various shops, and the beach… they have sunscreen, a cell phone, and some money I guess… they can figure out how to stay busy for a while… Especially since they lo~ve each other sooooo much.

            Yeah, I pretty much hate people in relationships… I know it’s pure jealousy, and I’m just mad because it doesn’t happen to me, but… I still hate them. Maybe I’ll never get a relationship that’s meaningful and romantic because I’ve become twisted and bitter over the years, but I’ve thought ahead, and I have the “get 2 cats, a rocking chair and a computer” plan… I can live the rest of my life alone, I don’t care. They’ll never stop advancing technology, and there’s enough anime in the world right now that I can peruse it for the rest of my life and never get through it all.

            Love is a privilege, not a right. If you’re going to abuse it then you deserve to get burned. It’s as simple as that.

            Oof! My legs hurt today. This whole plan to start exercising again is putting a lot of strain on my body. Oh well, it’s kind of neat I guess. Brings out the masochistic side of me. Like mwa hahaha, feel the burn. –snicker- Right… well, it’s because I spent so much time just sitting here in front of the computer and then I was all, let’s go try to run… and then my knees were like omg! What are you doing? So now I try to walk and it’s like they don’t want to support my weight properly, so I go and make those mechanical noises and stuff as I walk like. Bzzzt hiss ching, clank…. –lol- ka ching, whirrrrr, bing!

            Right anyways… I left early this morning to get to the VA’s office for my psychiatric evaluation… And you know, I thought it was like, fill out this survey and whatever… questions about, “Are you sad?” But instead it was like in this tiny little room with 2 chairs and a computer on a desk. Then this guy who was like, “Dr. Paul” was asking me about my life. All the jobs I had, my family, personal relations… and then like, I guess we spent a lot of time talking about like, the voice in my head. I called it, my big brother… after my poem, here see:

 

BIG BROTHER

 

Last week he came to play.

Unbidden, he decided to stay.

Ruiner of lives, breaker of hearts.

Shattered my mind into parts.

Everything I was or will be

Was laid bare for him to see.

No secrets could be kept from him.

There was nothing more left within.

How to control it? Where could I hide?

Alone again, I have no guide.

I must spare my friends from this pain.

For he brings only loss... there is nothing to gain.

Shut away, deep in my mind.

I am losing all that is good and kind.

Trying to fight, struggling, dying.

Cut and bleeding, drowning in the tears I am crying.

Why does this have to happen to me?

Why can’t I run, why can’t I flee?

Time, is the only way out.

So I must remain isolated, where no one can hear me shout.

Deprived of all light, feeling and sound.

My wings cut off; I’m chained to the ground.

I want to end it all, I want to go.

But he will not let me, for he always tells me no.

He says he sustains me, he is my might.

He is totally immune to my plight.

He is logic, cold and clean.

I am emotion, weak and obscene.

He laughs at my dreams, he crushes my hopes.

Breaks through my walls, makes me feel like a dope.

“You want love?” he sneers. “You want a girl?”

“They could never love you, only laugh or hurl.”

“Love is a dream, not meant for you.”

“No one can love you, they will never be true.”

“Open your heart, bare them your soul.”

“They will take it all, leave only a hole.”

“Look around, see them all...”

“Know that they will never call.”

“Alone you came in, alone you shall leave.”

“And when you are gone, no one will grieve.”

His words hit me, knocked me flat.

I no longer know where I’m at.

The world is spinning, leaving me behind.

Tearing me down with it’s daily grind.

Looking down at me he lifts me up.

I am admonished like I was a young pup.

Silly boy, this is a world of men.

And no one will notice you if you are less than a ten.

But do not worry, have no fear.

For you know I am always near.

Try as you might, you will never break free.

For I am you... and you... are me.

 

Yeah I wrote that a long time ago. Anyways, like, that seemed to be all he was interested in talking about. Like asking me if like it was a sentient part, like was it like a split personality… blah blah blah.

            I just wanted to know why I get like, nausea like I’m retching when my heart rate goes up. My dad suggested that it was an evolution of my anxiety about going out into social situations, and my body became conditioned to certain biological aspects, possibly the increased heart rate. So it’s like a nervous tic where when my heart rate speeds up from exercise or nervousness or whatever, that my brain reacts in that way.

            In any case, I don’t really know what will happen. I admitted to using drugs, because… well for one I did, and I guess I can’t lie about it… I used LSD and XTC once. Just once… never again. LSD messed me up pretty badly. I still think that my serotonin levels will never be the same again because of it. XTC… well apparently what I took was the pink elephant, which is largely heroin… but from that I just like, time slowed down for me so much, yet in reality it was blazing by. I thought 15 minutes had passed, and it was more like… 2 hours… and I was just sitting there waving a glowstick back and forth the whole time. I was like, gosh what a fool! (In retrospect)

            Anyways, he said the point of this was an evaluation of sorts. He’d just write a report and send it off to the VA’s main office and then they’d decide if I should get anything, and if I do then that’d be nice because then I can get free medication and therapy/counseling forever. If not then I’m just screwed and have to live with it.

            So, I’ll hope for the best, but not count on anything. The trick is understanding that I had these things before the Navy, but trying to convince the VA that they got worse while IN the Navy. So, I don’t know. Maybe they’ll be all, these are pre-existing conditions that seem to be the same and you would be here regardless of whether or not you joined. Which, I don’t really think so. I wasn’t retching back in college. I was just afraid to go out… but now it doesn’t matter, I can’t control it… and it sucks because I want to exercise, but when my heart rate goes up I’m like –gag gag cough cough- and that’s no fun.

            Well, I came back all hungry and then somehow got sucked into like, why we can’t play Sims 3 on one of our computers… well it’s because the graphics card is so old! It’s an GeForce 4… that thing is like, do they even make those anymore? So I was like, maybe I can do a swap since I have a spare GeForce 8600, and I don’t have a power supply to support dual video cards… So then I finally get the case open, and it’s like, oh snap! This is an AGP connection… and I use PCIe… so like, the card is useless! –shakes my head- So we look on the internet and we figure we can get a suitable card for like 30-40$ maybe… the one we saw online was 20$ after mail in rebate…

            Well then we went out to Fry’s and we picked one we thought was it, but there was only a $10 rebate… and so we were like well… my dad was all trying to fight it… but I was like, it’s not their fault, it’s the manufacturer’s rebate. He’s just the messenger, he can’t do anything about it. So we got it, and then… we find out that we got the card with the turbo cache, so… it really is only $10 back… but, whatever. It’s like a 35$ video card… and he didn’t want to get anything fancy because he was like, well for $400 you can buy a new computer… and I was like, I dunno. The GeForce GTX’s are like $400 and they’re crazy! I wanted one but besides the price, they are huge and I’d have to get a new tower to accommodate how wide the are, since they have a GPU with a fan on it, and stuff… I barely got my card in as it is… I went down and bought a 9000 series. It was on sale too so it was like $130… I think it was good enough. I can play WoW to a modest degree, (except in high population areas it kinda lags, but… I don’t play wow anymore :p) and I can play L4D… that’s nice, and Farcry 2… and whatever else. It works.

            Then we went to In N Out… and Katrina didn’t want anything. That was just crazy for me. I’ve never met ANYONE who’d turn down In N Out. I usually get 2 hamburgers and 2 cheeseburgers, but I know we’re kinda trying to save, so I just got 3 hamburgers and put cheese on myself at home… pepperjack, mmmmm… So delicious!

            And now, I don’t know. Joline is gone out again with her b/f… and I don’t know when she’ll come back. Last time she was all, “I’ll be back at 7:30” and then it was 8:20 and my dad was all freaking out and he was calling everyone and like… my mom is all, she’s young… and let her live! I’m like, hell no! I don’t know, I’d side with my dad on it. I wouldn’t let her go to a room alone and close the door with a boy. I wouldn’t let them be so close together ALL the time… every day… all that stuff. I’d be like, get a job, get a car… get your education together. Those should be your priorities, not spending every waking minute with this boy… You’re 17 for crying out loud. See, this is why I sincerely hope that Katrina is gay. I hate boys.

            I don’t know, my dad really loves my mom, and she is like… I guess she’s just biding her time until everyone leaves and then she’ll leave too. I don’t understand. She’s so quick to point out all these problems, and I’m like… okay so what’s the solution? Then she goes, I don’t know. There is none… well pointing out the problem is okay if you have a solution, but just making people feel bad isn’t going to help anyone! So then she’s like, ehhh I don’t know. It’s been this way for so long, why try anymore or something.

            -sigh- I hope if I ever get married it won’t be like this. I’d like to get along with my wife, and have fun being with her and stuff. We don’t have to have the same interests, but… I’d like to like, you know… love each other. That’d be nice. Of course, I’ll have to get a girlfriend first, so I suppose I should take it one step at a time. Even Erin got a like, she said she’s kinda dating him… like, I don’t know how that works. Just go ahead and say it… you found a tall white guy with a body type you like (the uh, fit-average with a tummy type) and… it’s amusing because she said she won’t marry a non-asian, but she’ll date white guys… So, I’m all, so… you’re what, basically using them? You don’t intend to marry them, so… the relationship is going to die eventually… and what? Does it become a FWB or I don’t know. I can’t ask, it’s rude… but the thoughts are there you know?

            Anyways, I don’t know. I’m e-mailing someone who goes to UCR… She seems nice, but she’s 19 this month… which makes her 8 years younger than me? (O.o) Is that too young? I don’t know. I guess we could at least be friends, but we seem to have somewhat similar views on relationships and stuff… I don’t know… My friends always played that Oingo Boingo song for me in high school, “I love little girls”. –shrug- Maybe part of me is like, if you get them young you can mold them into the woman you want… They’re innocent and fresh like snow and you can color them any which way you see fit. You can raise them to love you, and they’re all eager to please… -lol- It seems so dastardly! –shrug- but I don’t know. The heart wants what it wants I guess… if we get along then, I don’t know. Age shouldn’t really matter. I mean… Should it?

            Well, I had to compromise. Which I guess, is okay. I mean looking back at my college transcript I see that I took A LOT of English classes… most of which I did really well in… the ones I didn’t, well… I didn’t go to those I think. But I took the backup test, and I scored lower than the first time. Which utterly baffled me, and I think some of the facilitators. I don’t even really know what I got wrong. The trig portions were only like 4 questions maybe, which was 20% of the test, but I got answers for all of those. It was more the algebra sections that seemed to baffle me. Stuff like, solve x/(x+1) + 1/(x-1) and I was like, uhhh…. None of the answers I see here really match what I’m thinking… -shakes my head- Whatever, I’ll just go to pre-calc and then maybe it’ll be like a nice review since I haven’t had a formal math class in a while…

            Well I had to switch classes around then since I couldn’t get into math 140, which meant I can’t get into physics 200. So instead I’ll take Humanities 100, since I couldn’t figure out what humanities class to take. At LSU I took over a dozen English classes, so it’s like… why take Brit Lit again when you’ve already taken it? That, and American Lit, Creative Writing, Lit Analysis… it just keeps going. So I was like, what is a humanities class? Then the answer was all, -ding- there it is, and it fit nicely so I can finish up with computer science and roll right into the next class. I hate these big breaks but I guess it’ll be okay for whatever it is… I can study and do homework and then just go to my evening classes and then Tues and Thurs I have time in the morning that I can work… and then Fri, Sat and Sun are all open… so I can work or study or whatever.

            It’s 17 units, which I believe is a decent amount of work. It’s so weird, since it’s only 4 classes. I keep thinking it’s supposed to be like high school or something where you take 6-7 classes a day and it’s all one to the next from like 7 am to 3 pm. Even in power school it was kinda like that. I’ve had funny thoughts about like, maybe I should go to school in my utilities, you know… just cut off the Navy part and remove my crow… and like, wouldn’t that be lame… People would be all, uhhhh… At least they’d know my name.

            So I guess I’m thinking about math a lot more… even in regards to things of a sexual nature… yesterday Amy told me about a guy she was chatting with who claimed to have a large penis… and then when Amy told me, I went and calculated the volume of said penis… which turned out to be 20 cubic inches… which, yes is a lot… because if you aren’t wide enough you see, you join the square root club… where the square root is actually bigger than the number… so when you have to use the area formula and square the radius, the thing actually gets smaller! It’s really sad… Such a difference can exist… like 1” difference in circumference is like a 5” difference in volume… It’s crazy!

            But then I was told to stop talking about math. So… I don’t know. I guess I just miss school. I sat in on a class while I was waiting for the results of the test and they were starting this math class… It was about long divisions of polynomials… and I was like wow…  I remember this. I loved long division of polynomials. It was like magic… you just, divide, multiply, subtract, and bring down. –sigh- I feel lame… like, utterly stupid… I don’t know. I guess it’s my desire to find happiness in the little things since I don’t have any big thing going for me… and like, math is as exciting as it gets for me right now?

            Minami-ke is hilarious. I mean it’s not romantic at all, but it’s just funny. Like I guess there’s this elementary boy who fell in love with the oldest sister who’s in high school… but he doesn’t get along with the youngest sister, who’s in his class… so in order to go see this girl he likes, he has to cross dress and pretend to be mako-chan… and like, oh it’s just so funny. The three sisters vary in personality so much. I find it all so amusing, just on the sillyness of it all.

            Besides, if I ever get tired of that I can work on watching Strawberry Panic… which is like a show with a lot of lesbians in it I guess. High school girls… well, in an all girl high school… like a private boarding academy… and the most popular girl keeps trying to kiss the main character. I guess much in the way that they have those like, boy comics, for the girls to read (since girls have this infatuation with pretty gay boys) they have the same thing with pretty gay girls. Which is okay with me I guess. In Ouran Host Club I still got kinda heeby jeeby when the twins were all like, in their romantic moment. Partly because they’re boys, and partly because they’re identical twins. It’s taboo on so many levels, which is probably why they did it as was explained in the show.

            Well, I don’t know why that is, huh… like guys freak out when 2 guys are all like, kissy kissy, but when two girls do it we’re like whooo! It’s not even like that in Strawberry Panic… they’re very soft and gently and it’s all romantic in a sense. She always freaks out about it later… saying she can’t move when it’s happening… Curiouser and curiouser…

            Well, I don’t know. I guess I was kind of thrown off my horse in a sense when Erin started talking about the guy she was kinda dating. Seems like everyone’s dating someone now a days… Once again I’m left outside looking in… -shakes my head- I’m surrounded by people in love… How horrible.

            Alas! Toradora has ended… it was such a bittersweet finish too. Happily leading me along, and then it’s like wait! Check this out, we’re not going to have a happily ever after… I was like oh no! I suppose it’s more realistic that way. After all, two 17 year olds, running away to get married? I don’t think that would have gone over very well. But it happened pretty much the way that I said it would. The two main characters realized that after all the time they spent together, they were in love with each other… and then they had to come to terms with how they didn’t really like who they thought they did, and they actually like each other.

            There was a lot of, accepting responsibility for finding your own happiness, and dealing with the desire to run away. Both of which I think I struggle with from time to time. I mean, it’s so easy, right? Things not going your way? Run over there, and maybe it’ll be okay… Escape into a world of fantasy, and action. Become someone else though your books, and video games… Or just stay hidden under your rock, and hide in the shadows of people that come close to you and mimic them safely, thus giving you the illusion that you’re cool too.

            In a way it’s like, yeah you know, you’re responsible for your own happiness… because you wouldn’t be happy with something that was just handed to you, right? Things that you work for and struggle through, those things are much more meaningful to you aren’t they? Like my car is mine alone. I got it all by myself, and I’m paying for it myself… and that makes it special to me because I picked it, I worked for it, and I’m financing it. As opposed to my first car, which was just given to me… Although that WAS a Geo… and this is a 2 door Honda. So there’s a good difference in horse power, and fuel efficiency and, like… I like how my car glows blue inside. The display, the radio, the Sirius display, everything’s nicely blue… and my floor mats are Inuyasha and the little charm from the mirror is Inuyasha. It all matches so nicely.

            Still, all in all Toradora was a good anime. 25 episodes is decent. I mean you have enough time to get to know the characters and have a story line… just one though… and it doesn’t feel dragged out… Well, I don’t know. Maybe a second season would be nice. Now I don’t really know where to go… but I’m thinking it’ll be Minami-Ke. I have three seasons of that, which is all of them I believe. So maybe it’ll last me a while. Gosh, I just want school to start. I have such plans for it… like I’m all, I’ll never be home, and it’ll be great. Forced to stay out and do math… They’re going to stuff me into that box, and make me fulfill all the stereotypes they have for me.

            My sister’s bf is here again. Of course he is! He’s always here. Doing things that make me blush. Of course, I do that easily… It was proven at work once. Ryan held my hand and I turned red. He was like, wow… It was because Jenn was all, you blush easily don’t you? So he wanted to see. I miss those people. I guess I want to find work not so much that I’d have income, which… of course is always good… but I think I just, want to have co-workers… and be able to see someone and like, maybe kinda be like, hey! I don’t expect to get all in their business or anything, but you know. Sociable I suppose, is the word. You’ve gotta be there anyways, might as well get along right? –lol-

            Oh, well here’s something interesting I might as well get out of the way now… I’ll be going out tonight. I guess I want to go see the SNES on the giant screen at that Whistle Stop bar over in Hillcrest. My friend teased me saying that I don’t like men, but I’m going to go to Hillcrest, where she feels I’ll be hit on. Personally, I don’t think anyone would hit on me, and even if they did, I’d be so unused to it that I wouldn’t even know it. I can be rather blaze.

            But I was sitting on the fence about it, and I told Erin about it and she was like, I want to go! I haven’t seen Erin since we had sushi together. So I was like, eh, at least we have the same car. If one of us gets drunk kinda the other can drive us home. I just have to remind her that she shouldn’t wear slippers this time. There may be dancing, and it probably would be crowded… I mean it wouldn’t surprise me… Still, it might be nice. I mean, I don’t know my way around bar, but… maybe have a beer, play a game… chit chat… meet some new people. I might even get some help with my trig. –lol- Or we could talk about anime, I mean, they ARE geeks after all. Geeks like me. –sob-

            Amy is so mad at me right now. I just don’t understand. I play scrabble with her over yahoo because she’s always so bored and like, coming to me saying, play a game with me… I even got her to sign up on OKC and take tests, as a way to mitigate that boredom, but… I don’t know… Scrabble changes her, for some reason. She gets all competitive and defensive… She beat me once like, with almost 300 points, and I didn’t have much more 100. By the third turn I had like 17 points and she had like 90 something. So I don’t really know. Girls can be such serious gamers. I just don’t understand it I guess. I mean, I play just to have fun, to pass the time, and maybe engage in flirtatious banter… I still think girls that play games are hot… testy or not.

            I spent today re-reading old e-mails… from like 2 years ago. Just listening to like, the letters I got from people I tried to strike up a conversation with… No too much has changed I guess, except that now a days I don’t get many e-mails.

            I used to be a heavy cat devotee, but I think that our dogs have turned me around, and now I like dogs… not all dogs I suppose, but I do like our dogs. Yesterday Robert brought his dog over, and I thought that someone had bleached our dog and set him free in the yard and I was like freaking out. “Oh Suki! What have they done to you??” then Robert is like, yeah it’s my dog… -shakes my head- It’s like he’s just moving in with us…

            Tomorrow also I have my placement test, the back up one, to see if I can get into calc with analytic geometry… whew! That’s at 0815… and I’ll be out tonight probably until midnight… hehe, this’ll be exciting… then the 15^th I think I’ll go to Dave and busters and check that out… I’ve never been but they say it’s a Chuck E Cheese for adults… so that could be neat. After that on the 16^th I have my VA psych evaluation at 0745. So I’m going to be busy for a while… Plus on the 22^nd I have my jury duty.

            I think I told Candis that when jury duty is the highlight of my month, then… I don’t know what kind of life I’m living. We did watch a show last night on National Geographic about life behind bars. My mom started watching it really, and I just got the feel that these people were going through a kind of boot camp. Except in boot camp we, weren’t prisoners and they shaved just our head, not like, all over. I guess… maybe? I don’t know. I mean like, imagine have to shave dudes… like, under their arms and their junk and stuff. I’d be like, oh geez… These are guys that have stolen and murdered and stuff and now they’re naked with their arms above their heads and they’re getting manscaped? I don’t know. This IS Georgia though. Still… I guess this is the best we can do. It does certainly seem a lot like boot camp. I suppose that’s the best way to deal with people? Just stuff them full of rules and discipline and hope for the best?

            -sigh- Now Amy is mad at me and she quit. Like, she’s all… I don’t understand. She was 30 points behind and so upset, like, calling me names… and then she comes back and makes some word and jumps 18 points ahead and goes, “HA!” and then I’m like gosh, you’re so competitive… I’m filled with a mixture of, I don’t know if I should play with you anymore, and I find you very attractive… and then she goes and resigns… and says, there, now you don’t have to worry about playing with me anymore.

            Even my, suggestive chatter didn’t faze her. She wanted me to put a d on a board, and I was like, baby I’ll put my d anywhere you want me to. –lol- I wasn’t like serious really… She’s known me long enough that she knows I have a really weird sense of humor. Maybe it’s just more stupid than anything else. Or maybe it’s just because I’m in a weird mood. I don’t know why, maybe I’ve been browsing profiles on OKC a lot or something, and just like, it sounds dumb, but it’s like… women have breasts… and some of them are big… like really big… (Duh right?)

            I guess I’ve been thinking about sex a lot. Not really the act of sex, but more like… the before and after of sex. I guess like, kissing and cuddling and spooning and gazing into each others eyes… love love mushy mushy. Some girls find romance to be, annoying. I don’t know, it’s like sometimes I just wonder if I’m broken. Guys are like, women are a dime a dozen… they can pick up one or two and juggle them around, play with them, and then throw them away. That’s how it was in the Navy… those guys just mess around. I just… I don’t know, maybe I empathize or something… like, I pretend what it’d feel like if I was treated that way, and it’s like, wow… so painful… I can’t do it. Plus I am scared of actual sex I guess. I am all like thinking it’s supposed to be like porn and you go for hours and have some ginormous tool and just rail away and like you make her squirt this fountain of whatever… and she’s like oh geez… and then it’s like, yeah I don’t know if I could do that.

            Maybe I just need to exercise more. I could always use more stamina. –pant pant- well I’ve been sitting here writing for a long time… played scrabble and had an OKC conversation… which was nice… but, I lost most of what I was going to say… So I’m going to go walk around for a bit and maybe I’ll think of something else. This is 3 pages anyways, which is about my usual length. So it’s good enough for now!

 How is they they can always voice what is floating around in my mind... there's something about these Japanese people methinks.

Ahhh, but it's almost over... I always get so attached to these people and then they have to go... won't I find someone who will stay with me?

            Somehow I think that talking to Lauren affects me in strange ways. I had a talk with her yesterday about how things were going with the Reactor Mechanical division… and she told me a lot of stuff… Which is Lauren because between her and Mendoza, the two of them are the biggest gossips around… they know EVERYTHING pretty much. It’s amazing, actually. Me, of course, being somewhat of a gossip myself, am always like oooh and ahh when she tells me stories. They’re just interesting, and I know it’s kind of silly like, what should I care? But it’s still entertaining, like you know… Yeah you don’t know.

            But I’ll tell you and then you will know! Patrick Grady who only has 8 more months left in the Navy and I’m not sure if he would have hit his 20 year point or if he was going to have re-enlist and then he could retire at 20 years… but he’s been a while, and he’s been a first class for a while… AND he’s a mystery since, he doesn’t really do anything, well mostly because he can’t and because no one will let him. Such an interesting fellow… With a cake job really. As a first you get the privileges of being an E-6, and you get some job like, berthing PO? You clean once a day in the morning and then… well if you don’t have a work day you can just hang out and play video games, and sleep… which is what he does.

            Apparently though he got caught sleeping on watch. Which, I’ll admit is something I have done, during the like 2200-0200 watch or something… when we’re shut down, and have nothing going on. However he was caught by EMCS, and like, awww… of all the people to get caught by… So he was sent to mast and de-nuked and I guess he will get 10 days of restriction, go on leave and then do the other 20 days… and he was busted down to E-5… Ouch. Good thing he saved up a lot of money though. He could buy a house in San Diego, in cash and live working some ho hum job… Or he could move to GA where you can get a house for 7k I hear, and like, never want anything ever again really… Except he buys women, since there really aren’t any who’d go to him like, because he’s “a nice guy”.

            In other news, Swan seduced an inebriated Andrew… -snicker- I was like really? Wow! I know women love Andrew because he has arm sleeves… the tattoos that, cover your arm… you know. I’m not a big fan of tattoos and piercings, but… I guess they’re the mark of a rebel. Well after Joe, who also has tattoos and piercings, threw her out because she was “crazy”, she’s been bumming around and latching on to various people for various reasons… like because she needs a place to live… and stuff… and she signed onto match.com and was looking for love, but… well why not go for something in your own back yard?

            I hear it didn’t happen at first… that they called her looking for a DD since they were drunk… and she told them to come over, because she didn’t want to drive, or something. So three guys showed up, and one of them, who was Andrew, tried to drive home… but she didn’t want him to/wouldn’t let him… so he jumped through the glass of her second story window, and like, was arrested later… Then somehow sometime later was drunk AGAIN and she took advantage of him, since she was sober and knew what she was doing. Well that’s exciting!

            Mr. Miller has found himself true love… so he says… in Katie, who has 3 kids… Now, how a woman in her 20’s can have three kids… who are all different ages… I think… maybe she has 1 and twins, I don’t know. Still, that’s a lot of kids. Now, I believe that to her, she’s found like, something good, like gold. Why? Because here’s a fellow who’s in the military, which means he has a guaranteed paycheck. Plus, he’s a nuke, which means he gets rapid advancement and ridiculous bonuses. So money should never be a problem… indeed when I was a nuke it really wasn’t. I mean I didn’t have money to get anything I wanted, but I was able to pay bills and save and live comfortably. Especially if I got BAH/BAS like Miller does. That’s like an extra 2000$ a month to live… And for a single mom with 3 kids, I mean yeah you could have your own life and be independent, but finding someone who actually has something to bring to the table should make your heart leap all on its own.

            Not to mention how Miller takes a ton of supplements and shakes and works out religiously. I think he’s passed 200 lbs of muscle already. So not only does he look good, he’s smart, he’s financially stable and independent, and he’s white… (yes, that part DOES make a difference in the world apparently). I don’t know, but… I don’t think she will let him go very easily. I don’t think he wants to be let go either… Word is he’s thinking about marriage and they’ve only been together a week!

            Then we started talking about the “boat whores”, and why they do what they do… i.e. why they are man eaters. We believe there are the types who just want sex… and they don’t care who they get it from. There are those who want someone because they’re co-dependent and can’t function on their own, so they will latch on to anyone and anything they find interesting, and just, kinda mooch… And there are those who want attention, who want an outlet for their stress and whatever else really. They want to feel… pretty?

            For the first type we looked at muffin. I call her muffin because she was a MMFN… which to us we call them, muffins… but she’s a conventional and so as she’s not a nuke she doesn’t automatically start out as third… but, her hair made her look like one anyways, so… But yeah apparently she just, likes sex… a lot. Then she gets religious and is all talking about how sex is bad and berating other women for liking it… then she swings back the other way and starts doing all the guys on the ship who will “hit it”.

            The second type was Swan, who… I think she’s the type that’d be in a bad relationship over no relationship, just so she’ll have someone. I mean as long as you don’t leave her, you could practically almost abuse her and she’ll still love you. One of those types you know, that’s like… you can start off nice and let her latch on… and then just change and like, neglect her and verbally beat her, and she’ll cry a lot, but… she’ll do whatever you say. You know the type…

            The last type was Dawn, who I fell for. I had heard the rumors, that she has been in the military for only like 3 years, and in those 3 years she’s had like 6 guys. All of whom were also in the military. I wasn’t looking for sex though, I was looking for someone who like… yeah. Dawn isn’t looking for sex… I mean, she has it… because she doesn’t/can’t/won’t masturbate… and so whenever she gets really horny she has to have a guy. Which is why when I went to her house for the first time she had condom wrappers on the floor… which SHOULD have been a sign, and I dimly registered it, but… well there’s the hopeless romantic part…

            Things would have been well if I was still there, still on the ship… where she could come talk to me, and be with me… to listen to her rant about her job, and pat her on the back and tell her I loved her and things would be okay… but, I was taken off the ship… So I couldn’t do that… thus her usefulness for me ended. It didn’t matter that I cooked and cleaned for her, and rubbed her back when she came home, and asked her how her day was… I wasn’t there, at the time when she wanted someone there… I was… I suffocated her without ever really being there, because she was gone like half the time. Really, we were together 4 months and she was out to sea for 2. There was only sex involved like the first 3 days we were together… Then she went out to sea for a week and when she came back all she’d say was, “I’m not in the mood.” For 3 months she wasn’t in the mood… I couldn’t believe that. I knew in my heart she had replaced me.

            So, now she’s moved on I guess, to other men… and I’m just focusing on school and work, which is trying to find work. I’m not motivated by money but… I can’t live on feelings so… It is nice to have bread, sourdough, and some ice for my water.

            The whole conversation led me to have another one of my Navy dreams, where Dawn was there, saying stuff to rile me up again… until I like, just grabbed this folding table or something and started swinging it around the room, hitting walls and the floor and all kinds of stuff, while people cowered in fear with that, “OMG he’s snapped!” look. Then one of the khaki came and took me to my captain’s mast… only the captain had to go somewhere and I was left sitting there waiting… I’m not sure if the XO was going to take over, but then it’d turn from a captain’s mast to an XOI… and that’d be going backwards.

            Somehow I met Eric again, and told him about the meetup the geek club is having tomorrow at the Whistle Stop bar with the giant TV that has a SNES attached to it… I’m tempted to go just to see the 16 bit goodness… And then I went back to an apartment and was organizing my personal photos… the ones that I can’t put online… but might share them with select individuals…

            Yes, all in all it was a wild time, in my head… Who knows what adventures await today? Other than I’m going to try and challenge the results of my math exam and see if I can’t get into Calc with analytic geometry… so I can also take Physics 220, rather than 200. It’ll save me a year. I just have to have that voice in my head that goes, you can du it! It’s as easy as 3.14159625….. –rambles off-