I feel that the Mormons just aren't trying hard enough to really strike fear into the hearts of Californians on this measure, so I decided to lend my limited talents to give them an idea for a new commercial that will really drive the point home:

 

A guy is sitting there having breakfast with his family, his wife is yelling at him and his kids are essentially burning down the house when he hears that Prop 8 has been overturned on the TV. He daydreams about sucking a dick, gets cum in his eye, falls out a 20th story window onto some powerlines, causing all the power in California to go out. All the wine and cheese bars shut down, causing all the gay citizens in California to go "28 days later rage zombie" on all hetero couples and thus bringing forth the apocalypse. The screen fades out and the words "Still don't think it will hurt anyone?" appear on the screen.

 

This one's a freebie, Mormons. Don't squander this potential!

 

qwertypiechick gave me: Brilliant Profile
Awarded Mar 22, 2010
“This guy is what many of us girls are actually looking for in a guy, especially the awesome food he makes *drool*”
--
 gave me: Shroud of Mystery
Awarded Apr 3, 2010
“He says he's a nerd but he's a little bit too socially...ept and a little too good in the kitchen; keep your eye on this one.”
--
 gave me: The Great Date
Awarded Sep 11, 2010
“Soo fun to be around, super charming personality and over all just a great date. The food is just yum~ I adore every bit of him~^^ Anyone would be enjoying themselves with him.”
--
fluidflamingo gave me: Shroud of Mystery
Awarded Oct 10, 2010
“I sort of already know this fellow. From other internet places. Then I found him here and I was like, "What the frell?" But yeah, I've hung out with this guy a few times and he's pretty funny. Ask him to do his Christopher Walken impression. BRILL-ee-ahnt!”
--
 gave me: The Perfect Mix
Awarded Oct 13, 2010
“Digitalia is an ex of mine and he is hands-down one of the most amazing guys I know.  He's the whole package: good lucks, honesty, killer sense of humor, brains, eclectic interests, and assloads of talent- he's a really fantastic cook and, as a musician, his music is off the chain.  Even if you're not looking for long-term, he's an amazing date.  Give him a holler.”
--
binary-kitten gave me: Makes Me Laugh
Awarded Feb 11, 2011
“I am shocked with his prestigious collection of awards ( trust me he is not compensating for anything with them ;) ) that he does not have 5 of these. He can make a competent joke out of almost anything, in fact I think duct tape might be the only way to stop it at times.... Seriously though, if you need some intelligent, often darkly spun humor in your life this would be it.”
--
Honeytrapdoll gave me: Friends In Real Life
Awarded Feb 22, 2011
“Dude's the coolest coffee guzzling, (electronic) chain smoking jackass you'll ever know. And he still hasn't punched me in the face yet, so that has to say something about him. Also he's managed to save my ass TWICE when I've gone and gotten myself stuck in SF. Best buddy anyone could ask for. ”
--
queenofghey gave me: Smarter Than The Average Bear
Awarded Oct 13, 2011
“BEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSS
bears bears bears bears bears BEARS”

qwertypiechick gave me: Brilliant Profile

Awarded Mar 22, 2010

 

“This guy is what many of us girls are actually looking for in a guy, especially the awesome food he makes *drool*”

 

--

 

 gave me: Shroud of Mystery

Awarded Apr 3, 2010

 

“He says he's a nerd but he's a little bit too socially...ept and a little too good in the kitchen; keep your eye on this one.”

 

--

 

 gave me: The Great Date

Awarded Sep 11, 2010

 

“Soo fun to be around, super charming personality and over all just a great date. The food is just yum~ I adore every bit of him~^^ Anyone would be enjoying themselves with him.”

 

--

 

fluidflamingo gave me: Shroud of Mystery

Awarded Oct 10, 2010

 

“I sort of already know this fellow. From other internet places. Then I found him here and I was like, "What the frell?" But yeah, I've hung out with this guy a few times and he's pretty funny. Ask him to do his Christopher Walken impression. BRILL-ee-ahnt!”

 

--

 

 gave me: The Perfect Mix

Awarded Oct 13, 2010

 

“Digitalia is an ex of mine and he is hands-down one of the most amazing guys I know.  He's the whole package: good lucks, honesty, killer sense of humor, brains, eclectic interests, and assloads of talent- he's a really fantastic cook and, as a musician, his music is off the chain.  Even if you're not looking for long-term, he's an amazing date.  Give him a holler.”

 

--

 

binary-kitten gave me: Makes Me Laugh

Awarded Feb 11, 2011

 

“I am shocked with his prestigious collection of awards ( trust me he is not compensating for anything with them ;) ) that he does not have 5 of these. He can make a competent joke out of almost anything, in fact I think duct tape might be the only way to stop it at times.... Seriously though, if you need some intelligent, often darkly spun humor in your life this would be it.”

 

--

 

Honeytrapdoll gave me: Friends In Real Life

Awarded Feb 22, 2011

 

“Dude's the coolest coffee guzzling, (electronic) chain smoking jackass you'll ever know. And he still hasn't punched me in the face yet, so that has to say something about him. Also he's managed to save my ass TWICE when I've gone and gotten myself stuck in SF. Best buddy anyone could ask for. ”

 

--

 

queenofghey gave me: Smarter Than The Average Bear

Awarded Oct 13, 2011

 

“BEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSS

 

bears bears bears bears bears BEARS”

 

When I sort users by "Nerdiness", I get a mish-mash of 80-90% matches with a bunch of 30%-60%'s thrown in there. When I sort users by "Kinkiness", it's a solid 80-90% for the first couple pages. Funny, I always thought I was more of a nerd than a kinkster.

As you have no doubt realized, you guys absolutely suck at the basic fundamentals of network and user data security. Here are a few things that you need to realize:

(1) Never ignore the three "E's" when it comes to the storage of highly sensitive user data: Encryption, encryption, encryption. The fact that someone able to easily spoof a dev account and download something that was probably named "creditcardzinfo.txt" is hilarious (because you're a multinational hardware/software company who has been in business for decades) and sad (because my info was on that server, you fucks).

(2) Never rely on client-side security. If someone has physical access to a machine, they can eventually hack it and make it do whatever they want. This was evident with all of the "Call of Duty" hacks that happened before this custom firmware action started happening, so you think you would learn from that mistake. Banks and other companies realize that you cannot trust a network client to operate within the "rules" that you've set forth on the network and that all security must be implemented AND fixed on the server side. No use locking the doors to your house when you've given a copy of the key to everyone in the city.

(3) Keep the front of the business server data SEPARATE from the back of the business data. If live access to sensitive data isn't absolutely necessary for 24/7 operations, it does not belong on the same server as the interactive end-user data. Severs are cheap, so go buy some or have some talented engineers develop one for you (if you haven't already sued the fuck out of them).

(4) More-so for developers of software for said platform: Requiring a constant connection for DRM in software is a stupid fucking idea, especially for cosmetic things such as "trophy syncing". For one, your security will be cracked. Secondly, when the network inevitably goes down, the more scrupulous end-users will be fucked and unable to use your software. People tend to remember these kinds of things and will probably be reluctant to shell out 50-60 bucks for a game they may be unable to play because either your network or your platforms network hit the speed bump of "not knowing what the fuck they are doing".

(5) Even if you do manage to fix this large list of security holes, don't ever make the claim that your platform is unhackable. That's not a feature or selling point; it's a challenge and one you will lose.

(6) In the event of your stupidity, be forthcoming about it. Waiting a week to let everyone know that their credit card info MIGHT be in the hands of some card scammers will probably piss off 90% of your userbase. The other 10% are too stupid to own a credit card and have probably already turned over that info to some nice inheritance broker in Nigeria.

(7) This is probably more of an extension of number 5, but I think it has some significance: When you try to make an example out of the "evil hackers" (especially when they aren't necessarily evil), the hackers will more than likely make an example out of you. Q.E.D.

I may extend this entry later, but these are a few points just off the top of my head.

Why do you insist on matching me up with lesbians? I understand that they and I have a shared interest in things of the vaginal variety, but that's about as far as it goes. I only realize the error when I start reading the profile only to reach the bottom to find that they are interested in "girls who like girls" or some variation of such. It's like reading a short story only to find the words "FUCK YOU" as the conclusion.

Also, because I don't creep around OKC in stealth mode, they can see that I visited their profile which probably annoys them as well. It kind of reminds of this Dane Cook sketch about people who pull into your driveway only to turn around and leave:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYSNVRiq0z8&feature=fvst

tl;dr: Stop matching me with lesbians. kthnx.

 

So this evening, I'm attempting my first ever cheesecake (this one will be Nutella and Gianduja!). I figured in the mean time, I would be a good little picture whore and share a few past dishes I've prepared because, well, it's my journal and I feel like being a picture whore. Note: These pictures were taken with the shitty iPhone camera in less-than optimum light. I apologize for the shitty quality.

Papardelle pasta with a homemade lamb ragout topped with ricotta and mint.

An ugly-but-delicious attempt at French macarons. I made these with a hazelnut and almond batter and filled with a hazelnut/chocolate ganache.

Teriyakisoba with a homemade sauce. oiishidesu!

Crispy fried pork wontons. After filling about 40 of these, I feel sorry for anyone that has to do this by hand.

Thanksgiving feast all prepared by yours truly.

A baked penne rigate pasta with a chorizo-based sauce with mozarella and parmagiano reggiano.

French lentil soup and cheese bread.

Coca-cola braised beef brisket.

Fried chicken using Thomas Kellers recipe from "Ad-hoc" in Yountville.

Herbed focaccia bread. Takes a while to prepare, but SO very worth it.

Bacon wrapped pork tenderloin in a apple cider shallot reduction.

Crispy duck confit on a bed of a warm lentils de puy salad.

Homemade habanero hot wings. Weren't as spicy as I would have liked, sadly.

and finally...

A homemade hand-tossed pizza.

Ok, go back to whatever it is you were doing. There'll be more soon enough.

How you smell so delicious as you simmer in your own fat in my oven for hours. I want to eat you now, but I suppose the end product will be worth the wait. Curse my senses!

Why am I up at 3 AM preparing duck confit?

Apparently a very scary thing. To me, it's more like walking into a digital bar, spying someone who looks intriguing, walking up to them and saying "Hello!". In practice, it seems to be perceived as a calculated stalking mechanism and utilizing it is greeted with the same warmth as poorly-timed ninja drop from a tall tree as they walk home through a sketchy neighborhood; that is to say it is not well received.

I enjoy IM. It gives me less time to think about what I'm going to say and even less time to backspace an entire sentence and replace it with something either more safe or more awkward. Sending emails is a very odd when you don't really know the person or know what's going on with them. Most of the time, it becomes a laundry list of questions, waxing poetic about yourself (or copy pasting your profile for the less imaginative and lazy), or a concerted effort to align yourself with their ideal match as designated by their profile or answered questions.

Some people do really well with email, don't get me wrong. This site probably wouldn't be anywhere near as successful as it is if people weren't. I'm, sadly, not one of those people. I need spontaneity. Quick wit. Randomness. Not the kind you get by clicking the message button and scribing "I like chocolate milk!" to some poor soul on the receiving end of the message. I mean the kind you get when having a real-time conversation (ideally in-person, but we are all digital entities here, so we work with what we've got). Where a conversation branches off into a completely different direction based on something that was just said or something that just happened. That to me just feels more natural, at least, as natural as something purely digital can get.

Oh, and to those thinking about trying to perform the ninja tactic. I'm fairly certain it's illegal in most states. The trial is next week.

 

 

 

I'm so happy to see the sun again; we've missed you oh so much. To celebrate this, I think I may make gnocchi tonight with some garlic/cheese bread.