*** Not looking for anyone at present. If you see me here, I'm just taking a quiz or something. Sorry.***

Bitter, misanthropic male in his late 20’s seeking similarly jaded person(s) with whom to sit around and scoff at the rest of humanity as if we’re the old men in the balcony of the Muppet Show.

I am employed. I am reasonably intelligent. I am artistic and creative, yet far too apathetic to give birth to most of what my mind conceives. I am polite and generally quiet around people I do not know. Given the right opportunity and environment, I am also fucking hilarious.

I don’t have my shit together, by society’s standards.

I don’t have any intention of getting my shit together, by society’s standards.

If there will ever come a time where you might demand that I get my shit together, by society’s standards, then I humbly request you spare me the unpleasantness and go away. I have a job that pays my bills and I don’t live with my mother, and this is about as ambitious as I get in that arena. That which most people admire, I consider trivial.

Relationships are a headache, and I’m not even sure I want one unless it’s very low-maintenance and gives me the space and breathing room that I’ve become accustomed to over the course of the last few mostly relationship-free years of my life. New friends are always welcome, even though I’m largely a hermit. I always return emails, but often ignore phone calls. I’d probably be comfortable with a cabin on a mountainside, writing my hate-filled manifestos. Ha.

I’m a goddamn catch, right? At least I’m more honest than the vast majority of people you’ll encounter here. Honesty should count for a lot, but I don’t think the going rate on it is very high anymore.

I am demiurgic, apathetic, and torpid

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

If you get what's above, bonus points for you.

Drawing. Writing. Microwaving my meals. Procrastination. Eating food prepared by other people who work harder than I do. Drinking alcohol. Pretending to work (it's harder than you'd think). Bullshitting my way out of situations. Sitting on my ass and watching movies. Grammar. Acting like George Costanza. Threatening to ruin houses with my anger.

Nothing at all, usually.

Sometimes my obscene red goatee.

Sometimes my sullen and antisocial attitude.

Less often my awesome sarcastic wit.

A: I really don't like books very much. I'm perfectly intelligent and literate, but I'm like most of the population that prefers television and movies to any sort of written entertainment medium. You probably don't like books either, but you rattled off some shit you saw on Oprah's Book Club to look smart. When I do read for pleasure, it's usually horror fiction, crime nonfiction, something by Hunter S. Thompson or Ken Kesey. My favorite poet is Ginsberg.

B: Zombie movies. Campy 80's horror movies. Scorsese flicks. Assorted crime, horror, drama, and a short list of indie flicks. I think George Romero is brilliant. I don't tend to like Hollywood blockbusters. Explosions do little for me. I despise chick flicks. I probably hate your favorite movie. Punk.

C: Some punk, some rock, some gay folk shit, some indie music. Favorite artists come and go sometimes when my ears become oversaturated with them, but a sampling: The Grateful Dead, Tom Waits, Dead Kennedys, Soundgarden, Pink Floyd, Ween, Pearl Jam, Jim Croce, Cake, Clem Snide, The Dicks, etc etc. I don't generally like rap, and country is a good method of torturing me if I'm ever a prisoner of war. There's a freebie for enemy nations.

D: Meat. Pasta. Not a big fan of most vegetables. Not a big fan of a lot of fruits. Not a fan of dessert. Give me an extra cheeseburger, and hold the cheesecake. I hate vegans. I'd say we should eat them, but I bet they'd be all stringy. Let's slaughter them and feed them to tastier livestock.

I definitely could do without questions like this. I do find this question to be very telling, though -- it's very often the point in someone's profile where I say, "Welp, yeah, I hate you," and click another tab. Feel free to ask me why.

My stupid hobbies. RPGs. Computer games. Movies. Zombies. Epic battles between badass horror monsters. My next meal. Sometimes I ponder deep shit, but not all that often. Deep shit is depressing. You don't ponder it much either.

What else... hrm. How Keanu Reeves can get away with being the same character in every movie he's in.

This is another question whose answers tend to piss me off. Again, feel free to ask why.

Doing nothing at all in my house.

Sometimes inebriated.

Occasionally doing something fun.

I'm not very serious about this. Also, I won't message you first. If I messaged you first, I was a. Drunk, b. For some reason I found rejection more interesting than boredom, or c. Thought your profile was extremely humorous.

But really, the ole 'HALLO U R PRITTY" mail does not come from this fellow. Don't expect it - I learned long ago that you're usually speaking to the wind around here if you have a penis. I'll gladly answer any mail I get, though.

I'll judge you on your grammar. I won't mean to, but I will.

Oh! And I fit a lot of the criteria that makes for a standard serial killer profile. Now if that doesn't make you wanna talk to me, I dunno what will.

It’s possible that I could be friends with someone on the “Don’t message me if” list, but you’re SOL on being in the running for anything else. So, without further delay, the criteria:

DON’T MESSAGE ME IF:

* You’re looking for a new daddy for your kids. Note that this is not the same as having children. You can have all you want, and we can still hang out, but I’m not going to be responsible for them.

* You’re wiccan or pagan or something. I’m sorry, I just can’t take it seriously. I’ll laugh at you. It won’t be good times.

* You’re polyamorous or your profile lists you as “available” rather than “single” – No thanks. Not my thing. Not interested in your boyfriend’s sloppy seconds. Not interested in sharing that kind of emotional attachment with multiple people.

* You identify as very conservative, politically.

* You will whine about me feasting upon the innocent creatures of the earth. I have vegetarian/vegan friends, but they know good and well that it’s not going to stop me from eating cheeseburgers in front of them.

* You’re very religious. If you are very religious, I might be amenable to talking, but just know I have no interest in being “saved” or observing your religious beliefs with you. When you start preaching, I’ll stop responding. Also, if you say anywhere in your profile, “I’m spiritual, but not religious,” I think you should die a horrible and violent death.

* You make lots of sexual references in your profile. HINT: This might have something to do with what pisses me off in some of the other categories. There is so much more to life than having orgasms. Like watching videos of dancing hamsters.

* Your screen name consists of anything related to the word “country,” or any variation of “mommy” or “grandma” (WTF? This word even turns off electroMILFmagnets), unless it also includes a negative identifier such as “sucks”. Just noticed I hate everyone I see with those kinds of names.

DO MESSAGE ME IF:

* You’re awesome.
* You’re funny.
* You like zombies.
* You hate mayonnaise, too.