Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I've done OKCupid terribly to decent results and abysmally to
extraordinary results (using the crassest measures
So now, I'm taking shit down to a new depth, to see how low this
I don't think I'm attractive, I also don't care as I've always
dated out of my league. These pics are meant solely to be amusing
to me, and frankly kind of accurate. The glammier pics, it should
go without saying, are old. Because why the fuck not?
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I piece together a surprisingly decent living doing astoundingly
stupid shit. I've never loved what I do for a living more, nor do I
doubt that I could. I sit in my underwear writing dumb shit for the
The social media bubble is kind to those crafty and full of shit
enough to tap its sweet nectar and I'm surfing that bubble ---
mixing all sorts of metaphors -- all the way to Tahiti.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
This is an old answer that needs to be amended. I'm fucking GREAT
at it now.
Also, popping pills. I swear I can down fistfuls of the things and
I think i've had like MAYBE one cardiac scare.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I can't speak for what people notice in the real world, but based
on nothing but the text and photos in this profile I've been called
-- by various frankly reproachable individuals -- "disgusting," a
"piece of shit," "uneducated," "vulgar," and "hopeless."
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I like classics like Dickens, sci-fi shit like Butler, Delany, and
I love all sorts of films, but I guess I particularly like
audacious, near-career destroying statements like 2001, Playtime, 8
1/2, Holy Mountain. etc.
I love all music, but these days I listen to shitloads of 70s
disco, 70s glam, 70s salsa, 70s Philadelphia Soul, and 70s Miles
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Are cock and balls two things or three? That and pills.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
How much more difficult we as a species make things for ourselves
than they probably need to be.
(I really do, I'm fucking deep like that.)
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
It's Friday night as I type this, but I wouldn't read too much into
(It's 5am Tuesday as I type this part though, and THAT may tell a
more interesting story.)
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I'm deathly allergic to cats.
This disgusts you because you love cats, and you irrationally view
this as a flaw in my character. Also, you now regard me as
genetically inferior and less than capable of being your - or your
precious kitty's - protector should the shit go down (particularly
if the shit going down somehow involves cats; attacking, or raining
down upon us, or whatever the case may be).
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
Mine is a niche appeal, and I am mostly a cult concern. I am fully
and deeply aware of this and take NOBODY'S interest for granted.
It's distinctly possible that you wouldn't care for me at all. I
like to believe that if you've made it this far, however, there may
be hope for us. Some extraordinarily eligible individuals do --
bless 'em -- get a kick out of me.
I am what I am. I'm not a piece of shit. A lot of people are. But I
am a major pain in the ass, though. And I'm up for a good time.
Let's get out of town. Let's do shit. OR, let's sit around stoned
listening to old soul records and watching Hammer Horror movies.
Both sound outstanding with the right person.
As for you...
You're a brilliant idiot. Ballsout crazy -- real balls,
incidentally, are fine (discretion regarding how you keep them out
I typed this while high and therefore seem vastly less literate
than usual. Most won't notice.
Also, I"m now an asshole whose maximum listed age for a potential
mate is younger than he, because why not? We're all assholes.
"YOUNGER ONLY PLEASE," or so I say.
BUT, I do actually like older women too. But think about it, are
you going to like me at that age? Hell no! I do Klonopins with
19-year olds I meet on Tinder. AND THEN FEEL BAD ABOUT IT (kind
I'm a mess.
ALSO - THERE'S A CREEPY-ASS NEW TREND OF DUDES IN THEIR 40s AND 50S
-- FROM ALL OVER THE GLOBE -- CHECKING OUT MY PROFILE! WAS I
HIGHLIGHTED IN SOME SORT OF ASSHOLE NEWSLETTER OR SOMETHING?
Who are you looking for?
This helps us know who to show you on OkCupid.