Find better matches with our advanced
matching system

—% Match
—% Enemy


42 San Francisco, CA Man


I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 27–48
  • Near me
  • For new friends

My Details

Last Online
Online now!
6′ 0″ (1.83m)
Body Type
Mostly anything
Atheism, and laughing about it
Graduated from masters program
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Mostly non-monogamous
Doesn’t have kids, but might want them
Likes dogs and has cats
English (Fluently), Spanish (Okay), French (Poorly), German (Poorly), Hindi (Poorly)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Hi. I'm Joel.

I'm a creative person who enjoys city adventures, thoughtful debauchery, and intellectual challenges.

A few quick classifications: I'm a Myers-Briggs INTP (the "architect", so interested in the forest I keep running head-first into these crazy trees), a feminist, and a secular humanist semi-lapsed Unitarian Universalist. I'm long out of school but seem to always be a lifelong academic learner and a political gadfly.

I'm delighted with where I am and who I am: I'm not looking for someone to complete me or compete with me. I hope that's the same for you, too.

I've had a number of successful poly or open relationships in my life and found that those are what I'm most likely to be happy in.

I love to meet interesting people for anything ranging from tea to bike rides to fun sex to photo walks to serious dating. Combinations thereof also highly appreciated.

... And, as my profile used to say at the top (before they nuked that feature): I am curious, smart, and playful.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Professionally, I've been self-employed for 13 years, teaching, writing, and consulting on open source software development. Most of that time these days is spent leading the education program at the kickass Hackbright Academy. Prior to that, I worked at a series of progressive nonprofits doing capacity building, and prior to that, I worked in abortion rights and sex education. I also make a small part of my living as a photographer.

Volunteer-Wise, I work with the SF Bicycle Coalition, serve on the advisory board of my software project, and volunteer as a sex educator, trainer, and board chair for San Francisco's super-awesome SF Sex Information. (And shameless plug: we offer factual, nonjudgmental, confidential information about sex and sexual health to callers all over the world; you can reach us at +1 415 989 SFSI).

Personally, I'm always trying to figure out exactly why I'm here, where I want to travel to next, and what to cook for lunch.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
I deal well with chaos; my job lets me travel about 8 weeks a year, and I've learned to deal with the problem students, cancelled reservations, and insane train schedules the world has thrown at me.

I learn new things easily: games, systems, languages (human and computer). I like understanding how things work and how others think. I strongly value diversity and balance my rationality with a lot of empathy.

I love cooking (Indian is a favorite, but I'll cook anything, if given the chance) and I throw dinner parties for friends often (it's nice to have a dining room!)

I think I'm practiced, playful, and cheerfully kinky in bed.

I'm also a good Scrabble player and make a damn fine cup of tea. (Or coffee. I'm bicaffeinated, too.)
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Books: I <3 books. A lit major, I'm still hauling around 18c & 19c classics, mixed with lots of written-in-last-decade stuff. My nonfiction shelves range from cryptography to skepticism to photography to comparative religious studies. Having resisted purging of academic books, I live with a near-perfect snapshot of Women's Studies academe, circa mid-1990s. Poetry tends toward midcentury American and British. Fictionwise, I've recently read and am fond of: Mary Gaitskill, Tim O'Brien, Pat Barker, and Ian McEwan. I'm currently re-reading a collection of Sharon Olds works. If you're looking for a low-commitment referral, the single greatest very-short short story ever written is John L'Heureux's "The Anatomy of Desire".

Movies: Mostly older stuff or handsome foreign cinema. I especially love Toto Les Heros and My Beautiful Laundrette. I think everything by Agnieszka Holland is brilliant. I'm also a sucker for any films set in the city I'm currently living in. I have a weakness for British things involving pre-War estates, accents, and dead bodies (Foyle's War, anyone?)

Music: I'll spare you a laundry list. What you read and eat is usually more interesting to me than what you listen to. But, if you're curious, recent well-loved things on the virtual turntable include: Jens Lekman, Bhi Bhiman, Andrew Bird, Erin McKeown, and Elvis Perkins. I also love early jazz and the kind of creepy classical that you mostly only hear in horror films (Shostakovich and Webern are particular faves, if you're a fellow enthusiast). Counter to all that, though, I think the single greatest thing you can put in your ear is the adagio from Mozart's Clarinet Concerto in A Major (K622).

Food: I eat everything (really—just about everything), but I'm particularly fond of things in the Indian/Afghani/Pakistani family. If you make me gulab jamun, I'm yours for life. I <3 cardamom beyond any rational degree. Seriously.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Friends, good kitchen knives, a passport, a room of one's own, NPR, sex-positive culture, my DSLR, and creative counting.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
a recent article from Wikipedia (I'm an inveterate browser), folding bicycles, rope, auction theory, photography, cute friends, foreign travel, good yogurt, programming Python, did-I-remember-to-feed-the-cats, gender and relationship politics, asparagus, scooters, intersectional feminism, camping, modern board games, donuts, 20c poetry, Acme bread—and that was just today.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
I might be cooking for friends, camping (by myself or with others), bicycling through the park, doing sexy things or sexy people at Mission Control (sad update: RIP, Mission Control), taking photos with friends, seeing a film at the Castro, or at home, reading with the cats.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I know in online dating we're supposed to go on about how we love to go to modern art gallery openings, Tibetan music performances, and avant-garde film festivals. And, sure, of course, who doesn't? But, if you look carefully, I also spend a bit of time reading semi-trashy Scandinavian mystery novels in the bath.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
... if you're intrigued, of course. Claim your agency.

It would probably make sense for you to be in San Francisco or Oakland (or very nearby and transit-friendly: I only have a motorcycle, not a car, and am not much for driving, anyway), confidently feminist with your own self-determined gender role, poly/open, intellectually curious, sex positive, kinky or subby, playful, and kind. I'm interested in meeting women, trans*/genderqueer people, and MF or FF couples. I'm not looking to meet individual cisgendered men at the moment.

Of course, that's for dating or sex. I'll go on a city bike ride, plot a photo walk, play Banangrams, or cook Indian food together with just about any adult that can make decent conversation. Non-dating friends highly encouraged. Seriously.