I had a chance to work for the CIA.

I don't know how common it is.

The FBI too; they called and tested my Spanishl

Whole thing gets too scary ...

Fear itself is scared shitless of me. The perfumed french hands and fore arms which cull forth to seduce me know nothing of thing undoing

Wake up in the morning naked with bodies from body spray commercials ... hahah let's add some shit stains and vomit, hhahaha let's add some victims appendages to the wall. Next custome please. I like Bambi was much as you do.

So let's say that we have relationships these days. Let's just pretend we do? How do we define them? We used to sleep in different beds and make different assumptions about what was unacceptable. Now there is no critical assumption.

We all accept there no critical assumption in life - but what if we put love on hold? Is love like a cake with different stage of olfactory digestion and pianismo that when played in order signal a centrifugal orgasm? Like an orgasm zone? Or is it the case you follow individuals into orasmi hotspots until readins arrive.

Regardless, what about agape love? Jesus love? Love for the vulnerable? I thin that's the only tangential point of love for me in this field. I can derive infinite pleasure from salvaging the damnd ... jue like Aethos (sp) round the river styx.

What will have you left well all of your senses turn against you?

Ok - the first one involved me. . . playing basketball with a very large man. He had a huge stomach, but he was still balling nevertheless. He had a few tips for me I think ... seemed like a stranger. He had on tight jeans, a leather jacket and slicked back 80's style dad hair.

The next moment I'm waking up in bed ... and while I'm in bed I notice I'm actually on the court in my bed. I keep wondering how this logistically happened, it seems difficult. Somebody played a big joke on me or I I'm in dream land. Then the same guy from before appears with his family and one shot ... he misses, then moves on.

I stare at the rim for a while looking at it but I decide not to shoot. I figure I better think about it some more given the awkward angle. Getting up never crosses my mind.

Dream 2

I can't wear earplugs when I sleep or I'll sleep until 3 pm ... so I have to incorporate the sounds around me in the apartment in the early morning into my dream.

One such dream ... I'm in a falling airplane. (This was a dream from a couple years ago). I'm inside it but I can see it breaking up from the outside as well. It's a big fat A380. It's on fire, sparkling ... it's very graphic, the crash ... as it hits the ground though I begin saving people from the carnage. One older later seated next to me in a wheel chair (don't ask how) is stuck, but the metal is incredibly hot. Somehow I pull her free and out of the plane to the ovation outside.

I walk along my way and see a photograph of it on the news ... I tell the guy that that was me who saved those people, I did it. Nobody seems to know or care except me about getting recognition for it. As I recall, I even picked up a mattress on my back and unloaded that too (probably for a first clash passenger so they could have a nap while rescure personelle arrived and the proleteriat sat there on fire burning.

I've decided to write a bit again in the journal here as I've had no luck finding anybody who is willing to chat with me that I'm compatible with.

I'm not at this point looking for a partner so much as I'm looking for a mental ... partner. I don't and I never have really had that. Maybe I limit myself by seeking out women exclusively, but for some reason I don't get that added kick of ephemeral wooziness having discussed the point of life and the parameters of logic with a female. Maybe it just isn't possible.

I take a group supervision session with an all female round table as a probationary shrink. There was actually a point in the conversation where I proposed the following statement: Are you telling me that there is a woman on earth that could jump as high, run as fast, and lift as much as Lebron James given proper support environmentally from birth? Everyone in the class seemingly agreed. That was in response to her statement (the antagonists) that the quality of women's sport was equal to that of men and that the only boundary toward total parity in it was environmental constraint.

So do women just have a wider berth (no pun intended) when it comes to drawing logical conclusions? I KNOW (hopefully) that none of them meant that literally. I realize it was a consensus view on the environmental subjugation of women. Why collectively accept an illogical premise to get to that point though? That's where the whole dialogue breaks off. Women go from point A to D sometimes, they refuse to worry about the assumptions that plague B,C and D. You know, the important ones that have consumed us forever.

Don't interpret this is any sort of condemnation of women. It's quite possible they're all visionaries who are slowed down by male methodology and restriction. But I have to admit, in almost every woman I've seen/known - the emotional/intuitive A - D logic warp occurs at some point.

I once had a close friend who, at a young age, made the observation that we needed three close mates: A mind mate, a body mate, and a soul mate. She had a point ... but what's the soul mate's goal? They're kind of just getting the free fuck the body mate does with the added bonus of having the profound status of "soul mate" which entitles you to basically, the final victory over all the mates. Soul mate is the one to aim for. It can backfire though.

Sometimes a girl will call a guy she had definitely cordoned off to be a fall back/talk to guy her "soul mate". That's the trick of that thing - if you're called the "soul mate" or "spiritually close" one it means you're not getting the info the mental mate is and you're not getting laid either; you're basically getting nothing.

So then all that's left is for the soul mate to try to break through the barrier using exploitation of his special status ... when that happens, all hell breaks loose and the female goes into a psychotic state cutting off contact with everyone (which is really just a fit because she doesn't own 3 sets of balls anymore and she doesn't want to line up 3 new pairs OR see some other chick inheriting them all).

Colleen loved it ... for those of you who haven't tried it, it's a disneyland style hanging tram on steroids. It takes you from an elevation of 3 k to 10 k in 10 minutes ... the tram rotates the entire time you're on it to get different perspectives. .. it was cold and overcast so we mostly god a view of the clouds.

Listened to some Oliver Sac's on audiobook today. One thing that struck me about his conclusions and assumptions about the biological or spiritual will to meaning and identity via the ego was his lack of balance in incorporating the inverse notion. That is to say, the human ego is so resilient and pervasive as a negative entity that it strives and can survive even the most violent external trauma. His assumption seems to be that this is what makes us human - a form of duality.

This isn't necessarily the case - instead, we might think of what makes us human in terms of what is left when we detach from the ego; viewing it as an entity unto itself.

I go home in about a week ... I'll begin writing here,
to myself, more religiously at that point ... thoughts
are flying around in my mind at this juncture as I have
so much to plan and do; travel, wrapping up relationships
here before I leave my family again ... using the last
few days and spending the time I have in the best way
possible.

It hasn't helped much that it's begun to rain in sheets, in
torrential rainfall bursts here in SoCal ... that might simplify
things though.

It's been a pretty rough trip in terms of the relationship terrain with my mom and my dad at one point; navigating fragile territory. We avoided a midnight implosion the other night which would have left us permanently estranged when my mom decided to open up on my partner. . . after a long period of pretend niceness.

My father today was listening to me talk about the ego - and my thoughts on it in a practical sense in therapy. He's a lifelong member of "EA" and told me that they call EGO "easing God out". Humans have an urge to fill voids - we came from the stuff that filled the original void. My point is - there is no God, there is an EGO - but it doesn't exist either.

Most things do not exist ... other than suffering and uncertainty.

10 days have passed since my last entry ...

I haven't been back to the U.S. for a year so there
is always this awkward feeling out of relationships at the
beginning; some sort of control/power struggle - mixture of
passive aggressive stances ... then finally equilibrium.

I understand that, as opposed to other situations in life, I hold all of the emotional and physical power in this circumstance - and I don't take that lightly. Others most revert to indirect means at getting their points across whereas I am completely direct.

I see my 64 year old mother and father once or twice a year for just over a month - this is of no small consequence to me, obviously. However, my connection to them will always be tepid ... not for mundane or neurotic reasons, but for permanent biological ones that deal with primordial relationships (attachment theory).

I'll continue this bizarre trek and this bizarre relationship forever ...

My chess seems to be just about where it was ... I haven't made a permanent leap yet though. I've always felt on the precipice of that but haven't devoted the effort yet or had the coaching.

Finally, finances and education round out my carousel of vital obligations ...

Why do people fear death ? Stillness ... all we ever do is move, all we ever do is end up back in the same place, no matter how far across the globe we go. . . and I've gone literally halfway across.

Went to the Norton Simon Museum.
Went to the Phil Spector mansion to take pictures
in front - it's secluded with an electrified gate;
the street is modest, even lower middle class ...
it was my partner's Idea; I don't care about it.

Had another interesting correspondence with my okcupid
penpal ... covered things ranging from the experience of
pain and happiness to the limits of understanding ...
also something about the drink yoohoo.

Still suffering from the fractious combination of drugs I
take to deal with my anxiety, depression and restless legs;
they don't play well together. . . codeine is wicked harmful
in the long run.
--

Tips for a f*cking conversation: Let one person talk - respond to what they said; acknowledge it. Then add something, steer it another way if you want.

Don't: Wait until they shut up/interrupt with something entirely different. This is akin to punching their ego in the face.

Repeat.

Food: Too much junk food, gonna start drinking my slimfast shakes again; they induce regular and healthy bowel movements.

For Christmas: I am getting: A philosophical dictionary - A 10 cd audio book with unabridged versions of literature by every major psychologist.

Please spend 10 - 15 minutes a day in a quiet, secluded room ... doing nothing whatsoever. However ridiculous this sounds, do it - keep increasing it until you get to 30 minutes. Don't use self help books, don't pay for audio technology.

-michael

equations." - A friend of mine here "canwebeleavingnow".

Just brought up the idea of thinking in dichotomies - left brain, right brain, etc. Do dichotomies even exist. Does a left handed person know they're left handed?

Would they care ... if they lived alone on an island?

They become left handed because society tells them so - it's an exception. And so then, every single human being becomes a set of exceptions - except the one out there who meets every statistical standard.

We all live in a plane of relativity then; both in environment and interpsychically. A beautiful woman is ugly next to Rebecca Romijn. Rebecca Romijn feels average next to another supermodel ... I'm a genius according to one test; I'm average on another. I can't change a flat but I can name 4 chess players for every letter of the alphabet ... and remember about 1000 numbers. What does comparing one's self to another person mean then?

If your best quality is writing ... and you meet a writer who is better, what does that mean?

We need to move away from comparisons as a society, we need to move away from statistical judgments on humanity. As Rousseau once said of this way of playing humanity "as if it were a piano", his response was "then I must smash the piano".

As humans we live outside the realm of comparison, we are above it.

I'll keep it short I guess.
Travelled 1300 miles give or take - took
three days, am in Los Angeles now.

Saw a guy nearly die.

Went to three malls in Honolulu.

Took lots of pills to get through it.

Worried alot about things that never transpired.

Am here now.
--

Saw the republican debate. Nobody stood out. I'm a registered republican; however I lean independent ... Didn't see what the fuss regarding Ron Paul was about. I've read his ideological outline on his website - it's fine. He won't win, obviously. I'll probably end up voting in futility for Fred Thompson.

Hillary Clinton is a bred and born power freak; every action she's taken since she's come onto the political stage has supported that conclusion. They say you shouldn't hand over power to those who salivate for it. We're in for a hideous and vicious election cycle - get ready for 2000 all over again.

Moving away from politic's - cultural observations from an American coming back after over a year:
1. American's worship material things, if anything - religiosity is a psychological manifestation of an effort to quell this cognitive dissonance.
2. My God American's keep getting more ... more, more obese. Their concept of health keeps getting more skewed.
3. I see that latenight shill Trudeau is selling a book on getting out of debt now; he should be in jail. I looked at his junk in the bookstore: His solution to insomnia: Melatonin. The most closely guarded secret in the history of man that the government has gone to unprecedented lengths to cover. See you in the pen buddy.
4. Things are cheap again.
5. It's nice being home.
--

Emotionally I'm ok. I'm playing a different role now amongst my mother, brother, etc and am quite aware of it - yet my personality remains more or less the same.

People adapt to any circumstance over time - my mom and dad accept that I come and go in 6 month intervals across the world. It becomes less alien each time I do it.
--

I've been having rather unpleasant dreams; unpleasant themes reguarding loss of control, regression (agewise) which I attribute to being back home. Hoping to get that back under control and begin connecting more with my subconscious. . . doing what I need to do to acknowledge it.

I'm another year older - I come back to this home's computer and see so many photo's of myself aged 20 - 23 ... I'm so much younger, thinner, more attractive. It's just part of life. I'll look back at myself at 27 and think the same thing when I'm 32, and onward.

Thanks to those who have read to the end of any of my journals much less this one ... live life free of anxiety and expectation; it's short, we pass through. Those are words and they are reality simultaneously.

The dry parched universe we inhabit on lonely islands is an illusion, don't treat it as permanent.

-michael