I'm so bad writing these sex resumés. Hopefully you'll enjoy this pun resumé instead.

Work History

2003-2004: Typesetter, Terre Haute Times
• Fired for being too bold.

2004-2005: Saw Operator, Lumber and Sons' Wood Mill
• Overcharged the pneumatic saw, causing an explosion that took my head clean off.
• Fired for losing my head under pressure.

2005-2006: Server, McDonald's
• Asked for supervisor position, was told to go to McDonald's University.
• Drove up to window at McDonald's university, asked them to supervise me.
• Was later fired.

2006-2007: Police Chief, THPD
• Sent a bunch of cops into a field in search of a suspect.
• Fired for copping a field.

2007-2008: Artificial Intelligence Researcher, Terre Haute Institute of Brain Science
• Invented a personality simulator based on a difference engine.
• Fired for personality differences.

2008-2009: Professional Rapist, Freelance
• Struggled to make ends meet.
• Was later fired.

2009-2010: Clay Sculpture, Terre Haute Art Gallery
• Was fired.

2010-2011: Rifleman, US Marine Corps
• Met a man named Marshall and courted him.
• Discharged for being gay.

2011-2012: Human Cannonball, Terre Haute Circus
• Fired.

Objective

I expect to be paid in Layers. And, in advance. I'm looking for advance mint opportunities.

I have a nice fiancé, so I'm only on okcupid for funsies now. I'd been here for funsies most of the time anyway. I'm not one of those lameos who uses websites for their intended purposes.

For money I'm a full time temp and a part time hero.

I want to write two books. One fiction and the other non-. I don't say I'm writing them, because I'm not writing fast enough to justify the present tense. At this rate, they'll get done before I die of natural causes. That's my minimum goal.

Awkward silence.

. . .

Books: Jumper (not the awful movie), A Deepness in the Sky, The Moon is a Harsh Mistress

Movies: Aliens, Terminator 2. If you noticed the James Cameron trend, it ends there, let me assure you.

Music: Rammstein, Electric Six, MSI, Regina Spektor, Eisbrecher, Metallica. There are a lot of old rock songs I like, but none of their artists really stand out for me like those I just listed. So that list might give you kind of a skewed impression. But that's the risk you take, reading lists of things I like.

Food: I don't know why food is on here. I could eat anything and still be the same person.

Reading material. I can't think of five more. I could pad the list with jokes like "air", but that's been done. I really don't need a lot of stuff.

How to think of things others haven't thought of before, because the alternative seems like a waste. So I think about epistemology. But others have thought of that too, so I try to spice it up.

Not having AIDS.

That's a contradiction.

• You want to discuss our questions. I love doing that.
• You're 100 years old or younger. 101-year-olds can kiss my ass.
• You want more detail on my feelings about James Cameron.
• You're not just looking for a "hook up". Stealing cable is not a victimless crime.
• You don't want AIDS.