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drmemory

42 M New York, NY

I’m looking for

  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 32–45
  • Near me
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex

My Details

Last Online
Today – 9:01pm
Orientation
Bisexual
Ethnicity
White, Other
Height
6′ 2″ (1.88m)
Body Type
Fit
Diet
Mostly anything
Smokes
No
Drinks
Socially
Drugs
Sometimes
Religion
Judaism, and laughing about it
Sign
Leo, but it doesn’t matter
Education
Graduated from university
Job
Technology
Income
Relationship Status
Open relationship
Relationship Type
Strictly non-monogamous
Offspring
Has a kid
Pets
Likes dogs and has cats
Speaks
English (Fluently), C++ (Poorly)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Let's do some up-front filtering: In a long-term non-monogamous relationship. With a child. Queer; about a Kinsey 3 if you need a snap categorization. For the 97% of okcupid users who are currently leaving contrails in your hasty retreat: 'sokay, it's not for everyone, I totally understand. Good luck and all that. Ciao! Write if you get work!

Whew, are they all gone now? Cool, let's break out the party hats!

"Everyone knows history moves in circles; the surprise is how big the circles are." (Greil Marcus)

So here I am, after nearly a decade spent adjusting to life in the off-world colonies (AKA San Francisco), back in New York City, scene of the last stretch of my misspent young adulthood. You can't go home again, but you can apparently move back to a city that still has the same street names, which is entertainingly dislocating. Everything's changed, everything's the same, my feet take me automatically to destinations that have been gone for years, and the intense circle of friends and lovers that saw me through the late 90s and early aughts is scattered to the winds. I don't want or need my old milieu back, but I need to make the city mine again: perhaps you'll be part of that?

I guess that's more of a manifesto cum status report than a self-summary. Let's try again:

I call myself an introvert, but I get itchy if I don't see enough of my friends in a week. I dye my hair stupid colors, but I play daytime corporate denizen well enough that the imposter syndrome is mostly under control. I stopped planning for the revolution when I realized what kinds of people are a little too enthustiastic about the idea, but you'll never convince me that capitalism is anything more than an interesting pit-stop on the way to something better. Seeking same, or wildly different. Surprise me! Clown suit optional.

Oh yeah, and:

The poly thing, since everyone does it differently: we've been dating for 20+ years, never monogamously. You don't have to be her BFF, but you'll meet her if you spend any substantial time around me and that has to be okay. We mostly date separately, and generally are not using OKC to troll for threesomes. We aren't fans of endless processing: just be an adult with good personal boundaries and an ability to use your words, k?
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I'm now a Manhattanite again after a nigh-decade in California. Savoring the irony of having left a job at That One Company in silicon valley because I thought they'd gotten kinda overly big and creepy, only to have my cool little startup bought by the most reliably hated name in business. (No, not Comcast; think seeds.) Reading, writing, and exploring my new/old city and state in my (ahem) copious spare time. Taking too many photographs. Teaching a small human how to be a larger human. Missing San Francisco fiercely now and then.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Self-promotion. Self-deprecation. Self-immolation. Systems administration. Annoying people. Delighting people. Parenting. Driving. Writing. Charming people's elderly relatives who should by rights think I'm the devil.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
First the hair, then the attitude problem.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
My favorite books? Geeze, ask a lifelong junkie what his favorite drug binge was, why don't you? Okay, the handwavy author list: Anything written by Jonathan Lethem. Everything by Ursula Le Guin. Anything by Haruki Murakami. (Although 1Q84 tested that theory rather strenuously.) Vernor Vinge. Maxine Hong Kingston. Thomas Pynchon. Jeff Noon. Steve Aylett. Octavia Butler. Hunter S. Thompson. Iain Banks.

If you go by quantity alone, I've probably re-read "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" more times than any other book not counting "The Cat in the Hat". But having confessed that, I'd like to quickly aver that if your social group ever included That Guy who wouldn't ever shut the fuck up about Hunter Thompson and seemed confused about the difference between "quoting Thompson constantly while drinking a lot" and "having an actual career as a writer", you know the one? I am Not That Guy, promise. (Also, now that he's passed on, can we all admit that the man was kind of a shit with some deeply creepy aspects to his personal life? It doesn't make "Hells Angels" any less fun to read, I promise.)

Movies: Blade Runner. The Big Sleep. Tampopo. L.A. Confidential. Monsters Inc. Brazil. My Neighbor Totoro, 12 Monkeys. Holy Motors. The Wire. (Yes it's a tv show, shush.)

Music: Blackalicious. Coldcut. Elvis. New Bomb Turks. Steely Dan. Stevie Wonder. Aesop Rock. New Model Army. Tricky. Bjork. Bach. Gnarls Barkley. Tribe. Cannibal Ox. Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys. Kate Bush. Lyrics Born. That great act someone just told me to listen to.

Food: Sushi. Curry. Foie Gras. Steak. Fresh tomatoes. Sushi. Fresh bread. Sushi. Felafel. Duck. Duck. Goose!

(Hm, that's a pretty meat-heavy list there: I should note that probably a slim plurality of the people I've dated over the course of my life have been vegetarians, and that's just fine.)
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
contact lenses,
the internet,
touch,
being noticed,
music,
coffee

...except apparently I managed to quit coffee over Yom Kippur in 2006, to the slack-jawed amazement of my girlfriend, my mother, several of my coworkers, my other girlfriend, my siblings, myself and probably my cats. I guess that means that there are only five things that I could never do without, and if I ever break down and get LASIK it'll be down to four.

Perhaps I need to acquire some more indispensable things, or maybe things are not as indispensable as we tend to think.

postscript, 2010: apparently my daughter's smile has replaced coffee on the list. Strange old life.

post-postscript, 2011: took a vacation in Rome. Fell off the coffee wagon SO HARD. Am now trying to teach myself how to pull a decent espresso shot.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Music and politics. Sex and food. Race, gender and their discontents. Whether I left the lights on at home. Why this fucking code won't compile. Why my daughter won't take her damn nap.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
...still me. But on Sunday I'm a Pirate!
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I regularly worry that people don't get to what extent I'm kidding about the whole rampant egomania thing. (Then I worry that I don't know how much I'm kidding.)

Deep in the back of my closet, safely stored in a hatbox, lies my fedora. It waits, patiently, for the day when wearing one will no longer be a flag for "entitled manchild with poor social skills." I fear it may wait for some time yet.

[Okay, it's not really "private" but this kinda needs to go above "I'm looking for": I'm bi, and I'm open to dating guys, but I go back and forth on putting that in the "I'm looking for" section because frankly when it's there, my visitors list and inbox ends up full of monosyllabic come-ons from dudes with 15% match ratings in far-away cities and some months I'm just not up for dealing with that, a feeling that I suspect any female on okcupid can sympathize with. If you're cute, local, nerdy, wordy and an 80% match or better, you should message me regardless of your gender identification.]
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
...you sparkle.

Be whipsmart. Be funny. Be cute. Be worth talking to and worth breaking boxsprings with. Be sure of what you want, and assertive enough to let me know. Know the difference between "your" and "you're". Practically everything else is negotiable.

Well, perhaps not everything else: if there's to be sex, safe sex is a requirement. Drugs, while fun, shouldn't be the primary focus of your life, and if you regularly do opiates, cocaine, or anything else that requires needles or blowtorches, kindly move along. (Casual coke/meth users who "totally have it under control": this means you especially, ahem.)

Optionally/alternatively: you should message me if you're trying to get into grad school. For reals and no joke: my last three regular lovers have all gotten into the graduate program of their dreams, far across the county. (Sad for me, awesome for them.) At this point, I'm no longer willing to believe that it's coincidence, and am considering handing out my calling cards in front of the local GRE testing center. Date me: it's cheaper than Kaplan, and probably more fun!

Boys, girls: If the best you can do for a first email is "hi, let's be friends" or "nice hair", this is seriously not going to work out. You may have noticed that I like words. Use a few. (Sadly and predictably, it seems to be mostly boys that need the reminder here. Dudes: raise your game. If I want the grindr experience, I know where to find it.)

And hopefully obviously, you have to be okay with the fact that a large chunk of my schedule is non-negotiably dedicated to my partner and our kid: It's not a requirement that you have to be in a long-term open relationship yourself, but it certainly sets expectations correctly. Conversely this doesn't mean that I'm only looking for casual/FWB hookups: I'm open to forming deep attachments (and have!), there's just an existing framework they'd have to fit into.