Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Let's do some up-front filtering: In a long-term
open/non-monogamous/polyamorous (pick your adjective) relationship,
and raising a child with my partner. (You don't have to meet the
kid and indeed certainly wouldn't immediately, but you do need to
understand her gravitational effects on my calendar.) Queer; about
a Kinsey 2 if you need a snap categorization. For the 97% of
okcupid users who are currently leaving contrails in your hasty
retreat: 'sokay, it's not for everyone, I totally understand. Good
luck and all that. Ciao! Write if you get work!
Whew, are they all gone now? Cool, let's break out the party
"Everyone knows history moves in circles; the surprise is how big
the circles are." (Greil Marcus)
So here I am, after nearly a decade spent adjusting to life in the
off-world colonies (AKA San Francisco), back in New York City,
scene of the last stretch of my misspent young adulthood. You can't
go home again, but you can apparently move back to a city that
still has the same street names, which is entertainingly
dislocating. Everything's changed, everything's the same, my feet
take me automatically to destinations that have been gone for
years, and the intense circle of friends and lovers that saw me
through the late 90s and early aughts is scattered to the winds. I
don't want or need my old milieu back, but I need to make the city
mine again: perhaps you'll be part of that?
I guess that's more of a manifesto cum status report than a
self-summary. Let's try again:
I call myself an introvert, but I get itchy if I don't see enough
of my friends in a week. I dye my hair stupid colors, but I play
daytime corporate denizen well enough that the imposter syndrome is
mostly under control. I stopped planning for the revolution when I
realized what kinds of people are a little too enthustiastic about
the idea, but you'll never convince me that capitalism is anything
more than an interesting pit-stop on the way to something better.
Seeking same, or wildly different. Surprise me! Clown suit
Oh yeah, and:
The poly thing, since everyone does it differently: we've been
dating for 20+ years, never monogamously. You don't have to be her
BFF, but you'll meet her if you spend any substantial time around
me and that has to be okay. (She's "missionista" here if you want
to snoop her profile.) We mostly date separately, and generally are
not using OKC to troll for threesomes, although I guess if you're
looking at us and thinking "I would so totally be your perfect
unicorn" we'd certainly at least consider the idea. We aren't fans
of endless processing: just be an adult with good personal
boundaries and an ability to use your words, k?
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I'm now a Manhattanite
again after a nigh-decade in California. Savoring the irony of
having left a job at That One Company in silicon valley because I
thought they'd gotten kinda overly big and creepy, only to have my
cool little startup bought by the most reliably hated name in
business. (No, not Comcast; think seeds. Yes, them, really. Happy
to talk about it.) Reading, writing, and exploring my new/old city
and state in my (ahem) copious spare time. Taking too many
photographs. Teaching a small human how to be a larger human.
Missing San Francisco fiercely.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Self-promotion. Self-deprecation. Self-immolation. Systems
administration. Annoying people. Delighting people. Parenting.
Driving. Writing. Charming people's elderly relatives who should by
rights think I'm the devil.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
First the hair, then the attitude problem.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
My favorite books? Geeze, ask a lifelong junkie what his favorite
drug binge was, why don't you? Okay, the handwavy author list:
Anything written by Jonathan Lethem. Everything by Ursula Le Guin.
Anything by Haruki Murakami. (Although 1Q84 tested that theory
rather strenuously.) Vernor Vinge. Maxine Hong Kingston. Thomas
Pynchon. Jeff Noon. Steve Aylett. Octavia Butler. Hunter S.
Thompson. Iain Banks.
If you go by quantity alone, I've probably re-read "Fear and
Loathing in Las Vegas" more times than any other book not counting
"The Cat in the Hat". But having confessed that, I'd like to
quickly aver that if your social group ever included That Guy who
wouldn't ever shut the fuck up about Hunter Thompson and seemed
confused about the difference between "quoting Thompson constantly
while drinking a lot" and "having an actual career as a writer",
you know the one? I am Not That Guy, promise. (Also, now that he's
passed on, can we all admit that the man was kind of a shit with
some deeply creepy aspects to his personal life? It doesn't make
"Hells Angels" any less fun to read, I promise.)
Movies: Blade Runner. The Big Sleep. Tampopo. L.A. Confidential.
Monsters Inc. Brazil. My Neighbor Totoro, 12 Monkeys. Holy Motors.
The Wire. (Yes it's a tv show, shush.)
Music: Blackalicious. Coldcut. Elvis. New Bomb Turks. Steely Dan.
Stevie Wonder. Aesop Rock. New Model Army. Tricky. Bjork. Bach.
Gnarls Barkley. Tribe. Cannibal Ox. Kinky Friedman and the Texas
Jewboys. Kate Bush. Lyrics Born. That great act someone just told
me to listen to.
Food: Sushi. Curry. Foie Gras. Steak. Fresh tomatoes. Sushi. Fresh
bread. Sushi. Felafel. Duck. Duck. Goose!
(Hm, that's a pretty meat-heavy list there: I should note that
probably a slim plurality of the people I've dated over the course
of my life have been vegetarians, and that's just fine.)
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
...except apparently I managed to quit coffee over Yom Kippur in
2006, to the slack-jawed amazement of my girlfriend, my mother,
several of my coworkers, my other girlfriend, my siblings, myself
and probably my cats. I guess that means that there are only five
things that I could never do without, and if I ever break down and
get LASIK it'll be down to four.
Perhaps I need to acquire some more indispensable things, or maybe
things are not as indispensable as we tend to think.
postscript, 2010: apparently my daughter's smile has replaced
coffee on the list. Strange old life.
post-postscript, 2011: took a vacation in Rome. Fell off the coffee
wagon SO HARD. Am now trying to teach myself how to pull a decent
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Music and politics. Sex and food. Race, gender and their
discontents. Whether I left the lights on at home. Why this fucking
code won't compile. Why my daughter won't take her damn nap.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
...still me. But on Sunday I'm a Pirate!
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I regularly worry that people don't get to what extent I'm kidding
about the whole rampant egomania thing. (Then I worry that I
don't know how much I'm kidding.)
Deep in the back of my closet, safely stored in a hatbox, lies my
fedora. It waits, patiently, for the day when wearing one will no
longer be a flag for "entitled manchild with poor social skills." I
fear it may wait for some time yet.
[Okay, it's not really "private" but this kinda needs to go above
"I'm looking for": I'm bi, and I'm open to dating guys, but I go
back and forth on putting that in the "I'm looking for" section
because frankly when it's there, my visitors list and inbox ends up
full of monosyllabic come-ons from dudes with 15% match ratings in
far-away cities and some months I'm just not up for dealing with
that, a feeling that I suspect any woman on okcupid can sympathize
with. If you're cute, local, nerdy, wordy and an 80% match or
better, you should message me regardless of your gender
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
Be whipsmart. Be funny. Be cute. Be worth talking to and worth
breaking boxsprings with. Be sure of what you want, and assertive
enough to let me know. Know the difference between "your" and
"you're". Practically everything else is negotiable.
Well, perhaps not everything else: if there's to be sex,
safe sex is a requirement. Drugs, while fun, shouldn't be the
primary focus of your life, and if you regularly do opiates,
cocaine, or anything else that requires needles or blowtorches,
kindly move along. (Casual coke/meth users who "totally have it
under control": this means you especially, ahem.)
Optionally/alternatively: you should message me if you're trying to
get into grad school. For reals and no joke: my last three
regular lovers have all gotten into the graduate program of their
dreams, far across the county. (Sad for me, awesome for them.) At
this point, I'm no longer willing to believe that it's coincidence,
and am considering handing out my calling cards in front of the
local GRE testing center. Date me: it's cheaper than Kaplan, and
probably more fun!
Boys, girls: If the best you can do for a first email is "hi, let's
be friends" or "nice hair", this is seriously not going to work
out. You may have noticed that I like words. Use a few. (Sadly and
predictably, it seems to be mostly boys that need the reminder
here. Dudes: raise your game. If I want the grindr experience, I
know where to find it.)
And hopefully obviously, you have to be okay with the fact that a
large chunk of my schedule is non-negotiably dedicated to my
partner and our kid: It's not a requirement that you have to be in
a long-term open relationship yourself, but it certainly sets
expectations correctly. Conversely this doesn't mean that I'm only
looking for casual/FWB hookups: I'm open to forming deep
attachments (and have!), there's just an existing framework they'd
have to fit into.
Who are you looking for?
This helps us know who to show you on OkCupid.