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drunkenburglar

26 F San Francisco, CA

My Details

Last Online
Today – 3:39pm
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
White
Height
5′ 4″ (1.63m)
Body Type
Average
Diet
Other
Smokes
No
Drinks
Socially
Drugs
Never
Religion
Agnosticism, but not too serious about it
Sign
Libra, and it’s fun to think about
Education
Graduated from masters program
Job
Sales / Marketing
Income
Rather not say
Relationship Status
Single
Relationship Type
Offspring
Doesn’t have kids
Pets
Likes dogs and has cats
Speaks
English (Fluently), Spanish (Okay), Yiddish (Poorly)

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My self-summary
I feel like this video pretty much sums me up in a nutshell.

If that didn't clear anything up for those non-visual learners out there, I think it also speaks much to my character if you know that my longstanding nickname was born after I presented what I believed to be a very sensual dance to a co-worker.
... Since when did looking like a drunk burglar apparently lose its sex appeal?

Champion - ENFP
What I’m doing with my life
I just moved back to the Bay Area after a stint in NYC. I work a ton of hours for an awesome company in the solar industry.

Oh yeah, and dancing like this.
I’m really good at
Awkwarding any situation possible. Seriously. Examples:
- I've eaten dog biscuits by accident. Twice.
- Told an Apple Store employee that "I did the DTF thingy" with my iPad instead of the proper, less sexual DFU restore
- Accidentally bought a male enhancement "shot" when I couldn't find any 5 Hour Energy (I'm sorry but Extendze could easily mean that it would extend your energy).
- Told a customer I liked to "pound it". Several times.
- Said both "whip it out" and "it went down on me" in the same work meeting
- Wrote a 750 word essay to "Team Coco" to cancel some extra tickets I received; message included phrases like "insert wood/hard on joke here" and "freeballing" (not within the same sentence or subject matter, mind you).
- Meet some random dude from Montana at a costume party and accidentally insulted him when I asked if he was wearing a costume or always dressed like a cowboy. (The answer was neither).

Parking by braille.

Saying words wrong. I never learned phonics (long story) so unless I've memorized how to pronounce and spell the word, I'm at a loss. This has lead to somewhat lazy reading practices - for years I used to read "chaos" as "chachos" (which actually sounds a lot more epic anyway.)

When I get stubborn about something, it's no longer a possibility - it's a fact.
The first things people usually notice about me
that I wear a necklace that should say "JEN" but the letters usually turn over and it will say some variation and drives people crazy.

Someone once told me I was a mix of Jack Donaghy and Liz Lemon from 30 Rock. Best. Compliment. Ever.

I have a mouth like a sailor, especially while driving. I find it rather endearing, but your parents might not.

I often (AKA always) have cat hairs on me. If you have inferred that this means I probably associate with felines, then I appreciate your comprehensive reading skills and believe this could be the beginning of a magical relationship.

My driving is either atrocious or perfectly natural, depending on if the observer has ever driven in a city (especially SF) before.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Movies:
I watch them. However, the attention span necessary for anything longer than a TV show often eludes me.

TV Shows:
Twin Peaks, Parks and Recreation, Arrested Development (including Season 4 if you watch it more than once), 30 Rock, Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Peep Show, TED Talks, Breaking Bad, Mad Men, The League

Music:
SBTRKT, Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs, Passion Pit, The National, GirlTalk, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Rilo Kiley, Band of Horses, The Kooks, Yelle, Animal Collective, Spoon, MGMT, <3 Miike Snow <3
Really getting into dubstep and electronica.

Food:
I suck at feeding myself.

Books:
Too many to list. I read everything from "The Favorite Wife" (about a weird polygamist sect in Mexico that all killed each other) to The Hunger Games (an ex made me, I swear!).
I also tend to read about a lot of serial killers on Wikipedia (did you know Kelsey Grammer's sister was killed by one?) but I tend to never, NEVER read my textbooks. I pay for them, but don't read them. Seems backwards to me.

Favorite things not in aforementioned categories:
- Resisting being told what to do (as displayed by my defiance of OKC's summary categories)
- People with pun-loving attitudes.
- Beards are almost always a smart choice.
- Apple products (Yup, I'm one of the crowd)
- Craigslist Missed Connections
- Competition
- Bill Belichick
- Coca-Cola Classic
- Legal Pads
- Feeling superior, but only because I'm so much better at it than anyone else.
The six things I could never do without
Leniency.
Earplugs.
Pillows.
Captive audiences.
Chapstick. No, seriously - I'm always within 25 ft of some chapstick.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
How different everyone's noses look different in real life then in their OKC pictures. It's always the nose.

The OKC robot. I mean, what's his deal? Why does he work so hard to pair us up? Is this the robot way of warning us that there's a potential Noah's Ark situation coming up?

Luck.
More importantly - Analogies.
On a typical Friday night I am
For legal purposes, I can't divulge too much about a drunkenburglar's average Friday night. But until those restraining orders calm down, I enjoy pretty low key nights - Friday night happy hours, movies, events around the city. Somehow, inevitably, burritos always seem to be involved.

Every once in a while though, I do walk the dangerous side. This tends to involve:
1 attempt at some totally unnecessary technological thing that is so far out of my league it's been tested for steroids
1 headache after refusing help from anyone but the nebulous internet and my own mind grapes
-2 saved from a possible murder/suicide situation when the combined lack of sleep between my Mac and I force quits the entire operation for the both of us
(1+1)-2=
0 actually accomplished.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I ate out of a pez dispenser recently.

I stay friends with all my ex boyfriends. Like, legit friends.

Speaking of Friends, I still really like that show.

My friend has an entire photo album of screenshots of embarrassing text things I have said.

I can't poop in public bathrooms. However, I can talk about it to no end.

I hate eggs and I don't know how to properly pick up a child. I go for the whole "grab securely at bottom" method, which usually leaves the top half of him/her flaying like this.

I rarely ever listen to "rap/hip hop", but every time I hear "Carry Out" it makes me randy.
I’m looking for
  • Straight guys only
  • Ages 26–33
  • Near me
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating
You should message me if
- you think I'm the bee's knees (although obviously that won't slim down the pool at all)
- you understand that there is a very good chance I will rename you. No, not like Snuggy Bear or Hug Captain (although those are definitely now going into my hat for later) but I don't care if you parents named you Willard after your great grandpa - if you look like a Henry, Mauricio, Cody, etc. I will be unable to call you anything else. It's endearing, don't worry.
- you don't have a weird mouth. Now, this means nothing to me and I couldn't definite an oral oddity if I tried. My mother, however, has very strong, extremely vocal opinions about them; I, in turn, have very strong opinions about having to listen to her more than normal. It's a lose/lose situation for you.