drunkenburglar
28 Oakland, CA
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drunkenburglar
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My self-summary
I feel like this video pretty much sums me up in a nutshell.

If that didn't clear anything up for those non-visual learners out there, I think it also speaks much to my character if you know that my longstanding nickname was born after I presented what I believed to be a very sensual dance to a co-worker.
... Since when did looking like a drunk burglar apparently lose its sex appeal?

Champion - ENFP
What I’m doing with my life
I just moved back to the Bay Area after a stint in NYC. I work a ton of hours for an awesome company in the solar industry.

Oh yeah, and dancing like this.
I’m really good at
Awkwarding any situation possible. Seriously. Examples:
- I've eaten dog biscuits by accident. Twice.
- Told an Apple Store employee that "I did the DTF thingy" with my iPad instead of the proper, less sexual DFU restore
- Accidentally bought a male enhancement "shot" when I couldn't find any 5 Hour Energy (I'm sorry but Extendze could easily mean that it would extend your energy).
- Told a customer I liked to "pound it". Several times.
- Said both "whip it out" and "it went down on me" in the same work meeting
- Wrote a 750 word essay to "Team Coco" to cancel some extra tickets I received; message included phrases like "insert wood/hard on joke here" and "freeballing" (not within the same sentence or subject matter, mind you).
- Meet some random dude from Montana at a costume party and accidentally insulted him when I asked if he was wearing a costume or always dressed like a cowboy. (The answer was neither).

Parking by braille.

Saying words wrong. I never learned phonics (long story) so unless I've memorized how to pronounce and spell the word, I'm at a loss. This has lead to somewhat lazy reading practices - for years I used to read "chaos" as "chachos" (which actually sounds a lot more epic anyway.)

When I get stubborn about something, it's no longer a possibility - it's a fact.
The first things people usually notice about me
that I wear a necklace that should say "JEN" but the letters usually turn over and it will say some variation and drives people crazy.

Someone once told me I was a mix of Jack Donaghy and Liz Lemon from 30 Rock. Best. Compliment. Ever.

I have a mouth like a sailor, especially while driving. I find it rather endearing, but your parents might not.

I often (AKA always) have cat hairs on me. If you have inferred that this means I probably associate with felines, then I appreciate your comprehensive reading skills and believe this could be the beginning of a magical relationship.

My driving is either atrocious or perfectly natural, depending on if the observer has ever driven in a city (especially SF) before.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Movies:
I watch them. However, the attention span necessary for anything longer than a TV show often eludes me.

TV Shows:
Twin Peaks, Parks and Recreation, Arrested Development (including Season 4 if you watch it more than once), 30 Rock, Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Peep Show, TED Talks, Breaking Bad, Mad Men, The League

Music:
SBTRKT, Little Dragon, Aseop Rock, Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs, Passion Pit, The National, GirlTalk, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Rilo Kiley, Band of Horses, The Kooks, Yelle, Animal Collective, Spoon, MGMT, <3 Miike Snow <3

Food:
I suck at feeding myself.

Books:
Too many to list. I read everything from "The Favorite Wife" (about a weird polygamist sect in Mexico that all killed each other) to The Hunger Games (an ex made me, I swear!).
I also tend to read about a lot of serial killers on Wikipedia (did you know Kelsey Grammer's sister was killed by one?) but I tend to never, NEVER read my textbooks. I pay for them, but don't read them. Seems backwards to me.

Favorite things not in aforementioned categories:
- Resisting being told what to do (as displayed by my defiance of OKC's summary categories)
- People with pun-loving attitudes.
- Beards are almost always a smart choice.
- Apple products (Yup, I'm one of the crowd)
- Craigslist Missed Connections
- Competition
- Bill Belichick
- Coca-Cola Classic
- Legal Pads
- Feeling superior, but only because I'm so much better at it than anyone else.
The six things I could never do without
Leniency.
Earplugs.
Pillows.
Captive audiences.
Chapstick. No, seriously - I'm always within 25 ft of some chapstick.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
How different everyone's noses look different in real life then in their OKC pictures. It's always the nose.

The OKC robot. I mean, what's his deal? Why does he work so hard to pair us up? Is this the robot way of warning us that there's a potential Noah's Ark situation coming up?

Luck.
More importantly - Analogies.
On a typical Friday night I am
For legal purposes, I can't divulge too much about a drunkenburglar's average Friday night. But until those restraining orders calm down, I enjoy pretty low key nights - Friday night happy hours, movies, events around the city. Somehow, inevitably, burritos always seem to be involved.

Every once in a while though, I do walk the dangerous side. This tends to involve:
1 attempt at some totally unnecessary technological thing that is so far out of my league it's been tested for steroids
1 headache after refusing help from anyone but the nebulous internet and my own mind grapes
-2 saved from a possible murder/suicide situation when the combined lack of sleep between my Mac and I force quits the entire operation for the both of us
(1+1)-2=
0 actually accomplished.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
My most prized possession is a signed picture of Henry Winkler that my friend got me for Xmas. It says "Jen is lovely xxxxooo Henry Winkler". Not kidding, best gift ever.

I stay friends with all my ex boyfriends. Like, legit friends.

Speaking of Friends, I still really like that show.

My friend has an entire photo album of screenshots of embarrassing text things I have said.

I can't poop in public bathrooms. However, I can talk about it to no end.

I rarely ever listen to "rap/hip hop", but every time I hear "Carry Out" it makes me randy.
*UPDATE* Have you heard Drake's "Hotline Bling"?! What.
You should message me if
- you have come back from the store, looked at your groceries and thought "Damnit. Why didn't I get doughnuts?!"
- you think I'm the bee's knees (although obviously that won't slim down the pool at all)
- you understand that there is a very good chance I will rename you. No, not like Snuggy Bear or Hug Captain (although those are definitely now going into my hat for later) but I don't care if you parents named you Willard after your great grandpa - if you look like a Henry, Mauricio, Cody, etc. I will be unable to call you anything else. It's endearing, don't worry.
- you don't have a weird mouth. Now, this means nothing to me and I couldn't definite an oral oddity if I tried. My mother, however, has very strong, extremely vocal opinions about them; I, in turn, have very strong opinions about having to listen to her more than normal. It's a lose/lose situation for you.

- And finally, if this is your definition of love:
"Look I just fucking... love you. I love you and I don't want to play it cool anymore because I would eat my own fingers just to look at your face. I would be your dog, or you human mannequin or anything you say I just... want you." - Peep Show
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