Good looking, athletic, Notting Hill based film star, millionaire; seeks gullible stunner. Call 0800 50 50 50

Hi I’m Neil and I’ve been an alcoholic for 34 years... oOps bad start, let’s try again.

WHY I'M ON HERE:-

Hi I’m Neil (or Neil to my friends). I’m growing a little tired of the lottery that is meeting people in bars and clubs and figured the internet is clearly a much better place to find true love so I thought I’d give it a try for a short while and if I still haven’t had a date after 5 or 6 years I’ll give up and become a nun like my primary school teacher always said I should.

DISLIKES:-

1. Caravans
2. Slow people
3. Internet dating

MY SPECIAL NEEDS:-

I’m not the type of guy who must have his night out with the “lads” or HAS to watch the football. Sure we all need time to ourselves, but I’m fairly easy going, love dancing and even enjoy shopping (in moderation). On the downside I am pretty clumsy owing to the fact I try to do things at a million miles an hour and tend to leave everything to the lastminute.com. I’m also used to living on my own and consequently I have been known to steal the duvet and all the hot water.

THE BIT WHERE I SELL MYSELF:-

Still here?! I’m surprised you’re still reading this! Of course I could have said, “Hi I'm a financial adviser who works in the city and I earn pots of money but I’m also a genuine and trustworthy chap with a sense of humour and large er..house.” The truth is I’m all of these things but you must read profiles like that all the time; they're boring and once you seen one you've seen ‘em all.

The problem is personality is so hard to get across in 250 words and let’s be honest you can never really get to know someone from opposite sides of a keyboard.

Anyway I hope it's more entertaining and indeed truthful than most of the nonsense you'll find on here and even if you don't fancy me it would make me smile to know my nutty sense of humour has made you laugh or brightened your day and just possibly there'll be one of you who thinks; he's not that ugly, he's not trying to be something he isn't and I'm prepared to take a chance on him. After all what have you got to lose?*

*Your house may be repossessed.

I am a hollywood actor, qualified astronaut, and compulsive liar

MY SPECIAL ABILITIES:-

I excel at making tea, having baths and climbing walls.

WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR:-

I’m afraid I’m extremely picky so in order to get a response you must be

- female
- live within 3,750 miles

I have been known to drop one or both of these requirements from time to time. Exceptions are considered on a case by case basis and applications should be made in writing.

Note: Girls who bear a resemblance to/sound like the Cadbury's Caramel Bunny will be given special attention.

Seriously though I can see myself getting on with someone who is active and lively yet who also enjoys a quiet night with a book or film and glass of something; who is dangerously intelligent and profound yet frivolous and childish at heart; feisty and passionate but easy going and caring. Okay that's enough adjectives for now.

Obviously looks are important; there has to be a spark of attraction between two people. But personality is by far the most important ingredient in any relationship: I know first hand that a person's looks become irrelevant once you realise they have a nasty or bad character.

I also love to travel and experience new cultures and traditions and it would be great if I could find someone who wants to do the same, whilst ignoring the environmental consequences of air travel and subsequent effects on our carbon footprints.

I guess I'm after someone with whom I can share long hot summer days and cuddle up to on cold dark winter nights...sound appealing?

So if you're interested here's my mobile number, haha only kidding, it's not that easy?!"%*£!, it will take at least two emails before I'll give you my mob no and online banking details.