I'm an intellectual libertine adventurer. I am ruled by my curiosity and drawn to beautiful, strange, and sometimes dangerous things. I love expanding my knowledge and boundaries though this can leave me a bit scattered. I have a love of reading, writing, and skull duggery.

I really enjoy getting drunk, hurting myself, and then waking up and wondering what the fuck happened. As I'm writing this I've got a sprained ankle, a cut up leg, and an aching body. I have a hazy memory of a "B and E" last night… also I love ellipses, aviator sunglasses, and the Oxford comma.

I'm working on the next great American novel. But, until that pays the bills, I work as the only straight male bar tender at a gay bar. It's a lot of fun until someone gets their eye poked out…

Losing track of time, not smiling in profile pictures, prattling on, fixing things, and making "problems" "go away".

Either my hair, mustache, smile, or the massive amount of congealed blood on my clothing.

Writers: David Foster Wallace, David Eggers, Max Brooks, David Sedaris, Orwell, Hemmingway, Tim O'Brien, Tom Robbins, H. L. Mencken, HST, Douglas Adams, Buchowski, Vonnegut, Ayn Rand, Karl Marx…

Food: Anything I've killed or grown. Thai, Lebanese/general Middle East, praline bacon, and bread.

TV: I don't have a television and not terribly interested in most of the things on it. I do however like Breaking Bad, Treme, Girls, Newsroom, Mad Men, and a few other shows with a well written storyline.

Film: Wes Anderson is my favorite director and Bill Murray is my favorite actor. I loved "Beasts of the Souther Wild" and Willem Dafoe is so good in "The Life Aquatic" it hurts. I also like Tarentino, Scorsese, F. F. Coppola, Sofia Coppola (when her acting isn't ruining a Godfather film), and Jim Jarmusch.

Music: Everything that is good and most things that aren't good. Except Nickleback, fuck those guys.

Good company, a bicycle, a 4 month supply of urine (believe me this is necessary), a leather belt, my journal, and a working pen.

Where am I and how the fuck did I get here? I NEED AN ADULT!

Fridays I like to spend alone in my garden shack. I usually put my scrotum into a vice grip pliers and flog myself until I pass out. Unless I'm feeling saucy, but telling you about that will probably creep you out.

I'm the Anti-Christ. Don't worry though, I'm too distracted by Internet porn to bring about the apocalypse. My dad is so disappointed…

I've also had sex with Danny Devito's love child. She made me talk like Arnold Schwarzenegger and act out scenes from "Junior" and "Twins".

You feel inclined to be rude.