Basically, if you take Jack Sparrow and Wolverine and smash them together you get me, but with more excitement and panache.
You googled panache didn't you?
I am not intimidated by your degree I have a P.H.D. and three masters degrees. I also own the University of Michigan. I own the entire thing. I use the money that comes in from that just for gas money.
Did you notice gas prices dropped back down? That happens when I refuel my cars, I have so many. You're welcome.
Regardless of the fact that I am so out of control that I drive like Vin Diesel in that movie, drink entire bars out of their stock, crash weddings, crash funerals, crash parties, and crash cars; I am a mild mannered guy that just likes to cuddle and I'm not afraid to show my sensitive side.
Ever see a meteor burn up in the atmosphere? That's space samurai crashing to the ground, space samurai that I destroyed saving you. So you should thank me profusely! My organization made up NASA to keep people occupied and blissfully ignorant of the dangers out there. Only you, dear thousands of internet readers, know my secret now.
I am amazing and awesome and you can join me for the ride. I am a humble guy who is modest and sincere. We'll travel though space and time, jet ski through the Galapagos islands, remove snakes from airplanes, and have all sorts of adventures!
Here's an example of an adventure I had:
One day while I was in my space Lamborghini patrolling the asteroid belt when I was ambushed by space samurai. They came from behind an asteroid in Chevy Novas that were mounted with laser cannons. The fired at me and scratched the paint on my fuchsia space lambo! Outraged I opened fire with my nuclear space cannon and fragged one of them right where he stood. The other one was more wiley, like a cat or a monkey. He piloted his Chevy Nova as well as any space samurai I had ever seen.
I hit the gas and went as fast as I could. He then ducked back into the asteroid belt. Going full speed, with asteroids whizzing past me faster than the speed of sound; I darted, weaved, twisted, and sashayed my vehicle through danger and closed in on him. Getting next to his vehicle, I got out of mine and leapt on to his Chevy Nova, plunging my ninja blade into the roof, using it as a crampon to dig in and hold on. I made my way to his window and smashed my way through it with a ninja punch, simultaneously grabbing him and pulling him out of the Chevy Nova.
I thought I had managed to kill him but he somehow used his samurai sword to grab on himself and pull himself up. Now we dueled on his Nova, sparks rang as our blades clashed. Sound thundered throughout the soundless cosmos. We fought and he was good. I thought I might have seen the end that day. Just as he had me reeling, I saw that the Chevy Nova was about to crash into an asteroid, his back was turned facing the hood of the car and he did not see what was to become his demise. Leaping from the Chevy Nova, I flailed desperately; latching onto my car, which was following us on auto pilot the whole time. He crashed into the asteroid creating a ball of fire blood and guts that sprayed in every direction into the cosmos.
Satisfied at a job well done I went back to Earth to collect my ninja money. This could be you! You could have all of this!
If you read all of this you are amazingly patient and I want to meet you just because of that. You must be an admirable person... 1000 words my ass. :(