I don’t want to water it down to the point where we aren’t discussing all the needs to be talked about

I just want to distill it down to the major points and somehow convey my message the way I intend, without demand, without blame, without inducing guilt

 

let me explain, in part why the idea of health careby the government bothers me so muchsome people seem to think it should be covered, soit is available to everyone but i am sorry this is just bad economics, it is a limited resourceit has to be rationed one way or another and goodeconomics but the risk and reward in the same place,at the same time, so people feel it and can respondit the most rational way (for them) possibleand by the way, no one gets turned away from publichospitals, it is against the lawprivate hospitals roll people out, sure, but they areprivate businesses and that is there rightyes if you have a long term illness your options maybe limited by your financesbut that is a choice you are making, that other billsare more important, more rational for you at that point than doctor billsit is your responsibility to take care of yourselfto make the best dicision for you at the timei heard this story on the radio, npr, about howphysiology is the root of our behaviorand this doesn't make me think we should provide freecare for people because they don't have the brainchemistry we wish they hadin my head that is a terrifying ideait means we would be defining normaland pushing people to fit into that not a social push but a physical, chemical, we are changing your body and how it works so that it fitswhat we wantabsolutely terriblethis just reinforces my instinct about how self suffient we should all beit says to me that more than ever your health shouldbe your responsiblitythat you should learn all you can so that you can make yourself as healthy as you wish toso that you may influence your own brain chemistryso that you may find the balance tha you are most comfortable withmore than ever this says to me that you should be themaster of your ownthat the issue of health care isn't really about heathcareit is about you and who you are fundamentallyand making sure you are the only one who is going to make decisions about that

(please excuse the lack of punctuation and sentence structure, this was written stream-of-consciousness style)

let me explain, in part why the idea of health care by the government bothers me so much some people seem to think it should be covered, so it is available to everyone but i am sorry this is just bad economics, it is a limited resource it has to be rationed one way or another and good economics but the risk and reward in the same place, at the same time, so people feel it and can respond it the most rational way (for them) possible and by the way, no one gets turned away from public hospitals, it is against the law private hospitals roll people out, sure, but they are private businesses and that is there rightyes if you have a long term illness your options may be limited by your finances but that is a choice you are making, that other billsare more important, more rational for you at that point than doctor billsit is your responsibility to take care of yourself to make the best dicision for you at the time 

i heard this story on the radio, npr, about how physiology is the root of our behavior and this doesn't make me think we should provide free care for people because they don't have the brain chemistry we wish they had in my head that is a terrifying idea it means we would be defining normal and pushing people to fit into that  not a social push but a physical, chemical, we are changing your body and how it works so that it fits what we want 

absolutely terrible

this just reinforces my instinct about how self sufficient we should all be

it says to me that more than ever your health should be your responsibility that you should learn all you can so that you can make yourself as healthy as you wish to so that you may influence your own brain chemistry so that you may find the balance that you are most  comfortable with more than ever this says to me that you should be the master of your own

that the issue of health care isn't really about heath care it is about you and who you are fundamentally and making sure you are the only one who is going to make decisions about that

 

I just watched the movie Limitless. That movie is my fantasy, that if you could be smart enough, if you could know enough then you could do anything. I fantasize about it protecting me, about making money, about being able to live any life I want.

"It works better if you are already smart."

I have to believe this isn't such a fantasy, because I have felt it, I have felt invincible. I have had those days, those moments, where everything is clear, everything is beautiful. Nothing bothers me, because only the big picutre matters and I can see it all so clearly, how it is simple and easy and I can most definely do it.

Only I haven't felt it often enough to figure out if it is just a high or a possible norm, I haven't yet taught myself to be there, to stay there, to harness it and actually do. Do. I need to do. I want to do. and it has to be possible because there are people who live that way, they can take care of their space, stay neat, take care of themselves while also being productive in a larger sense, productive for their company, for their community, and then they can take care of the people they love too and it isn't too much for them because they love it.

This is where I want to be, this is where I see myself. When I can do this I will feel like me, I will be more me, I will find a happiness that can't be provided by watching tv or eating chocolate or even hanging out with very nice, but not so driven people.

This is the true me. It has to be because this is who I want to be. Focus on that. Focus on that. Keep this brain space, focus on this, practice being in this space and love it. Don't even worry about why it makes me cry, happy tears and if not I can figure it out latter, but for now all that matters is learning to be here, because through this I really can do anything.

Some grab Dove chocolates or Reese's - I grab Nutella and a spoon :D

I don't know what I believe in. I believe in possibility and in God. I'm not really sure about any organized religion,  which I know sounds so cliche but I don't see how they make any sense and I'm a great fan of things that make sense, or mystery. But embracing the mystery and exploring it, not of claiming to have all answers when you have to rationalize to explain the basic.

I'm writing this because I'm in bed, reading an Anne Rice novel in which spirits and ghosts buffet the characters and drifting off to sleep I'm stuck with the idea that reading it isn't all that good for me since the dark is less easy then it was last night but then I remember that I don't believe in any of it. I guess I'm beginning to believe in the possibility (but right now I believe in the possiblity of almost anything) but the possibility of ghosts is a far reach for me, they seem to make even less sense than organized religion.

I firmly believe that there is something else, just something we don't know how to explain or fathom. Physics just keeps showing us how much we don't know, which I LOVE.

I'm standing in this place where I don't quite know where I stand, lol that is a ridiculous sentence- so I don't know where I stand, I remember my  Christian religion and feel how deeply it is entrenched in me. It was a rigid belief, (it still is, but I don't think it can be mine anymore) but that was good because we did things 'right.' And that was good because I'm very comfortable with doing things Right, it is how things should be done is it not? (Here I am laughing at myself) We went to church and we sat quietly, we did not raise our hands above our heads in praise and an opening to spirits, that's the wrong way, we sang soft hymns, we did not have drums, we did not wear jeans or supposedly consume caffeine, we did eat healthily and strictly observer the Sabbath, not doing anything overly stressful or involving money from friday sundown to saturday sundown, and we were all hypocrites. I was a child but I remember listening to the adults discuss healthy eating and trading recipes and then promptly going out back and playing basketball with the kids while we all talked about how much we loved Mountain Dew. 

It all seems so foolish now. But at least religion serves important purposes, you have the community and the support, you have the activities and companionship, choir and friendship, you have a relatively benign group of kids for your kids to play with, you have good concepts, how to live well, how to be good to others, how to be good to yourself. But I think the whole thing gets wrapped up in power and fear, if all we say is true then we can't be wrong and we can't be challenged and what we say can't change with new information, even if that is the way every other thing in the world works. At that point it becomes something else, something constraining, something that leads kids to be shy of their own bodies and not to masturbate, something that neglects to inform people of their own physiology and possible future behaviors, something that wants you to be one way and does not allow for individual freedom and expression, something that looses the love of acceptance and enjoying people just as they are, because they are who they are and that in itself is wonderful. 

So I'm stuck somewhere in between but ghosts still don't make sense :p

 

Latter that same night: 

So if you don't like me because I'm not as religious as you are, that's ok and I get it, two years ago I didn't think I could date an atheist, it deeply disturbed me and now I don't think I could date someone who isn't gunghoe on making their own way through life and struggling to find their own answers. 

I'm still pretty sure there is a God though, I'm just not ready to label myself in any one direction, I feel I should really study different avenues before I devote myself. So here I am, standing and not knowing where I'll end up, but deeply interested in studying the bible and meditation and stories of how the world began and yoga and spirituality whatever that may be. - Yep once again it is proved I'm a geek at heart :D

I want a partner, and equal partner. 

I would love to come home everyday and cook dinner with my husband. Not only is it healthy and makes for a fun experience but it would also be a great bonding time, a strong show of commitment and a wonderful example for the children of cooperation and time with family.

I want someone as ambitious as I am. My big big dream is making enough money to set up a foundation that can actually help people. I am inspired by the Sager family. Large things are possible and it is possible to make a difference. I dream of traveling the world with my children, providing them with unparalleled experiences. Extreme home schooling. For now I plan on contributing to micro loans. 

I would love for us, both of us to be able to stay home with the kids for the first years of their life. This would mean having a sustained income set up. Possibly real estate or we could just have stuff that we can do at home. The first years being until they start school. This would allow each of us to take time and not get overwhelmed. It would make parenting more joyful.

If I am not already that successful millionaire philanthropist, then I would at least like to take the kids on long trips. When I was growing up, my dad took us on 4-6 week summer vacations. We literally drove all across the country. I now understand how amazing an opportunity that was. So few people are able to control their own work schedule. I would like to set my life up that way. So I am working to live not living to work. I would take the kids in the summer, winter, fall and spring breaks. We would travel the country at first, then start making trips overseas. They could each bring a friend. 

And every weekend I would like to make smaller, in state trips. To springs or theme parks or forests to camp or swim or learn something at the science museum. The world should be a playground and it should be well explored.

When I am a millionaire, I want to be the next-door type. Not flashy or show-off-y. I would probably still drive my Corolla or a Camry. Though maybe I can find a car with better lumbar support and room for my legs. Cars get hurt too often anyway, if I was going to spend big money on transportation it  probably be on a plane, which I could hopefully fly out of my back yard. It would also be fun to have a boat.

Thinking back on my childhood, I never had any idea how much money my father made. We lived in an apartment and modest homes before that. I was shocked one night (forth grade?) when the news reported average incomes, I knew my dad did something with computers and they where the top earners. He didn't say exactly what he did or hit at his actual income. I wonder how it affects children if they perceive themselves at rich at a young age. I am glad I had no idea, I think it might have led me to look down on other people. 

So that bring me to the question of housing. I've been told to just build the house I want and don't worry about anyone else, but the house I want might be pretty elaborate and I don't want the kids to grow up thinking themselves better than others. 

I want a largely open plan. With a giant fish tank and an ant wall. I want high ceilings and a playroom for the kids. With one wall of mirrors, one of felt, chalkboard, maker board, tack board, magnetic, rock wall, maybe even an in door swirly slide. Part of the open space could have a pool table in the least, with hopefully a air hockey table, a fuse ball table, possible a pin ball machine and a poker table. It would be awesome to have a giant open barn where you can skate indoors or play basketball or hold the best birthday parties. 

Tampoline in lake

Living in the middle of no where.

Dream house.