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31 M Conway, AR

My Details

Last Online
Aug 6, 2008
Native American, White
6′ 2″ (1.88m)
Body Type
Agnosticism, and very serious about it
Virgo, and it’s fun to think about
Graduated from high school
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Doesn’t want kids
Dislikes dogs and likes cats
English (Fluently), Japanese, German, Spanish, Italian

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My self-summary
"Fear me, Love me, Do as I say, and I will be your slave."

- Labyrinth - The Goblin King

It's so much bother maintaining this thing, but I feel I have not accurately represented myself with the previously written below. So here I go, trying to rewrite it. I am agnostic, but not out of an inability to make up my mind. To me, it is impossible to say that there is a god or gods, just as it is impossible to say that there isn't. A person who declares that there is no god is just as much of an idiot as someone who swears by one. If your athiesm simply means that you worship no god whether one or many exist or not, that's fine, I fit right in there. But to blindly declare that there is no god is like trying to prove to me that you really exist and aren't just some device I've dreamed up to torture myself with. On the other end, if god came to me and we had a nice chat and he showed me the wonders of the universe and later someone asked me if there exists a god, at best I could say, "In my head, there seems to be, but I cannot say with certainty." I believe one can even have faith that their god exists and still not say that there is one, only that he hoped and believed in one whether it exists or not. "There's nothing an agnostic can't do if he doesn't really know whether he believes in anything or not." - Monty Python.

My reason for living is entertainment. Luckily, I am somewhat easily amused. I don't mind existing so long as I have something to watch or read or write or program. The problem is that I have to have money to keep myself knee deep in media, and I have yet to display enough honed talent to support myself with outgoing media. So gas station it is for the time being, though that's getting old. I drip with love for computers, and I could make a job out of that, but I have a deep seeded fear of change, probably success, too, and gods forbid I should do anything risky, no matter the possible gain. Sometimes I hate me... But self importance keeps me going. I love the way I think, I hate the way I fear. Of course, me without fear could be bad.

More later...

::OLD:: I don't know the meaning of the word "summary" so this is going to be long. Where music is concerned, I'm obsessed with gothic rock, darkwave, industrial, etc. I'm obsessed with the concept of sin and with the Judeo-Christian devil, Lucifer, the Son of the Morning, the Fallen Angel. I believe that evil serves a divine purpose. I consider myself Divinely Evil, meaning I am an assistant to sin, a coercive agent, a tempter, though I'm not terribly good at it. I maintain a respect for decency, so my preferential sins lie outside of most human interaction, meaning things that, for the most part, only affect me. As an example, my favourite sin is blasphemy, and I practically embody lust. I encourage others to do likewise. The word "violence" makes me think of sex and vampirism. I'm obsessed with the beauty of death. I find "creepy" or gruesome imagery exhilarating, and sometimes sexually enticing. My lust is often more vampiric than sexual, though sexual lust is never in short supply. I highly value intellect and profound thought concerning divinity and/or the universe, how they fit together, if at all. I am uncomfortable around religious fanatics, though I can pretend to be one to avoid confrontation. I despise confrontation. I don't handle stress well and avidly avoid anything that might bring stress my way. On the lighter side... I love british comedy, anime, fine arts, RPGs... In person, I act more cheerful than a lot of this sounds. What goes on on the inside is much different from the outside most of the time. I'm generally shy, but I'm working to overcome it. Despite anything I've already said, I'm a caring and compassionate individual, moreso than I'd like to admit sometimes. My state of mind is not quite healthy, but I'm quite harmless. I guess the real summary is that I'm eccentric. Nevermind the rest of this.

I am obsessive-compulsive, mad as a hatter, and a pleasant pessimist
What I’m doing with my life
My ultimate goal, aka the Divine Understanding of Space Time, or DUST, is to be able to pass in and out of reality at will and have full control over the multiverse. In case this doesn't happen, my backup goal is to slowly poisen myself and delude myself for years on end till I think that it has happened. And if THAT fails, I fully intend to have a good time trying to achieve either of them.

Also I plan to destroy this miserable sod of a planet.

I’m really good at
Computers, mostly. I am not 1337 h4xx0r, due to my lack of interest in breaking into other people's computers. I'm just good with Operating Systems and I try to play with as many different systems as I can. I dual boot between Windows for gaming and Linux for learning and programming and whatnot. One day, I will contribute to creating the best Desktop Environment ever, or so I tell myself.
The first things people usually notice about me
I am standing behind a cash register and I look very tired.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
(a) The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind ( Wizards' First Rule, Stone of Tears, Blood of the Fold, Temple of the Winds, Soul of the Fire, Faith of the Fallen, The Pillars of Creation, Naked Empire, Chainfire, Phantom, ??? ( I'm not yet sure what the next one will be called, but it, Chainfire and Phantom are all like one big book to end the Imperial Order / Jagang story arc, or so I am lead to believe ) ), the Dark Tower series, and the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 5 part "trilogy", Alice in Wonderland, Through the Looking Glass, His Dark Materials trilogy (The Golden Compass, The Subtle Knife, The Amber Spyglass), The Vampire Lestat, Bloom...

(b) Dellamorte Dellamore aka "Cemetery Man", Secretary, Donnie Darko, Requiem for a Dream, Edward Scissorhands, Nightmare Before Christmas, Labyrinth, The Princess Bride, Saved, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I Heart Huckabees... In general I'm all about surrealism.

(c) A Perfect Circle, Abney Park, Bauhaus, Bella Morte, Carfax Abbey, Christian Death, David Bowie, Gossamer, H.I.M., Joy Division, London After Midnight, Mors Syphilitica, Mr. Underhill, Nine Inch Nails, Nirvana, Oedipus Complex, Paralysed Age, Pink Floyd, Placebo, Rammstein, Rasputina, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Sisters of Mercy, SPF1000, The Cruxshadows, The Last Dance, The Psychedelic Furs, ThouShaltNot, Tool, Type O Negative, Voltaire, Wolfsheim...

(d) Chicken, Turkey, Beef, Pasta, The souls of mortals, and Ice Cream for dessert.

(anime) Bleach, Blood: The Last Vampire, Chobits, Elfen Lied, Full Metal Alchemist, Ghost in the Shell (the movie and "Stand Alone Complex"), Gilgamesh, Haibane Renmei, Jungle wa itsumo Hale nochi Guu, Kite, Monster, Neon Genesis Evengelion, Noir, Perfect Blue, Read or Die, Revolutionary Girl Utena, Trigun.

The six things I could never do without
My depression is very important to me. It's always been there, and I fear what it's like to be without it.

Music is a must have...

Fictional Media of an entertaining nature. Books, Movies and Anime. This is what my brain eats. I would hate for it to starve.

Indifference. I really don't want to have to care.

High Speed Internet Access. Because I'm going to need my information fix, and to download new anime.

Delusions of Grandeur. It's important to think I'm important for some mysterious reason. Why else would I bother to wake up almost every day?

I spend a lot of time thinking about
My book. It's a lovely peice called "A Mind in Collapse". It's a way to explain my idea of how Space Time works, the religion I made up for myself, and all the strange things that happen in my head.

It starts with the escape of a girl named Melony from her kidnapper, a man not much older than her who's had her chained in his basement for several months. He'd been using her as a living altar to bring about the resurrection of a demonic being known as "the atrocious one" and "the Atrocity". The soul of this "demon" has been separated into 4 parts, each part trapped inside its own life size, creepy looking crucifix, all four identical. The book follows the events surrounding Melony since her escape, with a focus on her dreams. There is a light hint of Alice in Wonderland. For the most part, it's a Dark Fantasy with elements of Science Fiction, and a sprinkling of blasphemy.

Also, I think about Blasphemy a lot. Sin in general. What makes sin what it is, or is supposed to be? Why does it taste so good? The only one I'm hurting is me, why should anyone care? If I don't complain, who's to say that anything wrong has taken place? I believe that an all loving god is just that. All loving. So, why heaven and hell? Well, if we were to say that heaven is being close to god and hell is being away from god, then it all makes perfect sense. Those who like the beauty and taste of sin will not like the burn of God's light, and those who abhor sin will surely enjoy being ever so close to He who bares none. And yet, I don't even like the idea of a God existing. I must find some place much darker than Hell if I am ever to be truly happy. If there is one without sin, there must be one without any trace of the Light of God... If I cannot BE this being, I must have a taste...

Lucifer... Pretty name, yes? My feelings on God I've made half-way apparent by now, but what about the Devil? It would be just as hard to say there exists an evil aligned higher power as one of a benevolent persuasion, but fantasy or fact, I can't help but be drawn in by the idea. My belief is that evil is every bit as important as good. There's the obvious, that good would not exist without evil, and there's the natural law, for every action, an equal and opposite reaction, but I like to take these ideas further. I give as an elaborate example, a Judeo-Christian scenario based on what I would have Christianity be provided I had the choice.

A personality starts as a set of instructions for decision making. Many of these instruction sets could go either way, I'm sure, in regards to becoming a good or evil personality, but there are bound to be some that couldn't be good if they wanted to, and some destined for it. As the experiences of life fill the mind, the intruction set grows and changes based on these experiences. Thus you could have two identical instruction sets with different experiences and come out with completely dissimilar personalities.

Let us say that every person who ever lived and ever will live was alive before Earth as a spirit in the presence of God. These spirits are his children. They are all essentially good but not necessarily pure. As children of God, they have the potential to become gods and have spirit children of their own just as all children are potential parents. And just as not every child survives to adulthood, not every spirit survives to godhood. As with evolution, it is a question of who is fit to survive. You can't put the power and knowledge of a god in anyone's hands. For example, I would do horrible things with said power. So these spirits must be tested so as not to risk creating a monster. So we take each spirit and seperate it from its heavenly knowledge, put it in an imperfect mortal body with imperfect mortal parents and grant it free will.

The basic idea is to see who makes good decisions by instinct as opposed to knowledge. Who is to say what a good decision is? Only God. This plan suggests that not everyone will make the cut.

The first son of God, for the sake of the story, Jesus, stands up for his father's decision that all should go through this test. The second son of God, again for the sake of the story, Lucifer, doesn't think this is fair. If everyone here is essentially good, why can't they all be gods? So he proposes that in this Earth existence, which is a necessary step on the path to godhood, they shall not have free will, they shall be made to make the right decisions. Well, this would completely defeat the purpose in God's plan, but none but him can wholly understand why free will is necessary. So the spirits are divided by who agrees with God and Jesus, and who agrees with Lucifer. My belief in this matter, whether any of it be true or not, is that Lucifer was commanded by God to take up the position against free will as the first test for these spirits. All those to side with Lucifer failed this first test. The first act of purification. Those remaining go on to Earth. When the Earth test is over, the spirits shall be judged by God, defended by Jesus, and prosecuted by Lucifer, so that only those worthy of godhood be given the chance to ascend.

This is all just speculation, of course, but in my mind it makes perfect sense. The point of all this was to say that there are those preordained to be "evil" such that they might draw out the impure so that only the worthy ascend. Eve's job was to introduce the knowledge of good and evil such that she and Adam would no longer be innocent, because the innocent cannot be held accountable for their actions. Jesus did not "predict" that Judas would betray him, he told Judas to betray him because it was necessary. Again, I can't say what is or isn't true, all this is just a story as far as I'm concerned. I just like my version of the story far better than the way the Bible puts it. Evil is very important if good is to survive.

However, I don't believe anyone will be eternally punished for screwing up this life. Your nature doesn't really matter, because in the end, as far as my story is concerned, God will put you where you will be happiest. Theives and murderers will be happier with those who think like they do than with the goody two shoes. What I'm getting at is that evil will go to evil and good will go to good and both sides will be happy, Hell or no.

Now my problem with all this is that nothing scares me more than immortality. So the only way I will be happy is to die utterly. I'm not in a hurry, I just don't want there to be a life after death.

On a typical Friday night I am
Standing behind a cash register looking very tired.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I cry when I have to go to a doctor. I have a terrible fear of Doctors, Hospitals, Nursing Homes, Churches, and any place where there are a lot of people, especially if it's crouded.


I was on antee seekotics for a while (Symbyax, which is Zyprexa and Prozac) and in the beginning it helped. I quit taking them for two reasons. My appetite had become excessive, and a numbness settled over my mind that I couldn't tolerate. I would rather be depressed all the time, with occasional fits of panic (these being the reasons I started the meds), than go day after day feeling nothing at all. The closest thing I felt to emotion for most of the last month I was on it was frustration at my inability to feel anything else. It's been about a half a year since I stopped. All symptoms have returned, some bringing friends.

I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 22–48
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends
You should message me if
you can't come up with anything better to do.