IMDB summarizes Picture This!, starring Ashley Tisdale, with: A high school girl is invited to a party by the most popular boy in school — only trouble is, she’s grounded.

I’m not sure how accurate IMDB’s summary is, but I agree with their database completely — “If you enjoyed this title, our database also recommends: you kill yourself.”

I’m really not quite sure how this ABC Family original movie maintained my attention for a full 10 minutes, or for that matter, how I came to be watching ABC Family in the first place, but my guess is some sort of subliminal mind control ray. Or possibly the Hypnotoad.

Ashley Tisdale’s character, Mandy, goes to a rich school full of attractive people, but she doesn’t fit in because she wears glasses and doesn’t brush her hair. I can only assume that at some point in the movie Mandy decides to purchase a different brand of conditioner and realizes her glasses don’t have lenses and are thus completely unnecessary. However, this revelation does not occur in the first 10 minutes of the film. Instead, Mandy spends her time chatting with her chubby friends about how much she loves the swim team captain (some 27-year-old dude who is still in high school) and, more importantly, how much she wants the new LG smart phone. She does all this on her current cell phone while her friends sit beside her listening to her bitch on their Bluetooth headsets.

Isn’t that funny! They are all on cell phones even though they could be talking in person.

Well, if you liked that joke (who wouldn’t!), you will love the 3 or 4 times it is repeated in the first 10 minutes.

Seriously, this movie made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. Ashley hardly takes LG’s cock out of her mouth long enough to complete a sentence without pitching their new smart phone, and the plot reads like a family circus comic. I award the first 10 minutes of Picture This! no beers, and may God have mercy on its soul.