Aging brings on a host of changes: wrinkles, loss of hair, frail brittle bones more likely to break than Brisol Palin’s condom. But perhaps most frightening of all, old people abstain from most flavors of sweet sweet alcohol.

We all learned as children that nothing good could come from abstinence, but as humans progress through their 20s a phenomenon occurs, we become too good for certain alcoholic beverages. First to go is most likely tequila, followed closely by any liquor sold in a plastic (or “break-proof”) bottle. Sure, we all have our excuses, “This one time I drank so much Jose Cuervo I beat up a mounted police officer… and his horse.” But really we are just denying the fact we are getting older and refusing to admit that becoming a pussy who can’t drink worth shit is simply a part of life.

Sadly, like the lonely guy on prom night with a receding hairline, Alcohol Abstinence affects some of us earlier than others. These poor souls are cursed to watch from the sidelines, scornfully clutching a bottle of Bartles & James, as their college friends engage in beer pong and flip cup. Like the shy academic bookworm, social ostracism forces these beer snobs further into seclusion and feeds their delusions of alcoholic granduier until they become empty shells of their former selves — drinking $30 glasses of cabernet sauvignon while wearing monocles and saying “Egads!”, “I do declare” and such…

In attempt to reconcile with the alcoholic aristocrats I have wronged over the years I want to share some of the beverages that I have grown too old to enjoy. Let the healing begin.

Bud Lite + clam broth + tomato juice

Unlike most things hobos ingest I was not impressed with MD 20/20

Tastes as bad as the name suggests

Supposedly Napoleon's favorite drink. No wonder he died from an ulcer-causing gastrointestinal infection.

The only beer to remain in my college fridge for weeks.