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43 Chicago, IL Man


I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 18–99
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating

My Details

Last Online
Today – 7:55am
White, Other
5′ 10″ (1.78m)
Body Type
Used up
Mostly anything
Atheism, and laughing about it
Dropped out of space camp
Art / Music / Writing
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Strictly monogamous
Doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t want any
Likes dogs and has cats
English (Fluently), Spanish (Poorly), Yiddish (Poorly)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Hi! This is the part where I scare 98% of you away. Deep breath, and...

- I'm fat, magnificently bearded, and I shave my head.

- I don't have or want kids, and I don't want to get married.

- I don't smoke, I don't drink to get drunk, and I don't get high.

- I have two cats.

- I'm neither religious nor spiritual. I'm an apatheist! Seriously, that's a real thing.

- Politically, I'm a democratic socialist. You might be too, and not even know it.

- My platonic roommate is my ex-wife. She's a lesbian now. Bet I lost a LOT of y'all with that one.

- I eat meat.

- I'm not into sports

- I'm a homebody (aka "indoorsy"), and I don't like traveling.

- I'm not a fan of going to crowded, loud bars, venues, or music festivals to see live music.

- I'm a night owl.

- I have no tattoos or piercings. I like them, I just don't have any.

- I don't have a car of my own.

- I don't do long distance relationships. Or open relationships. Or long distance open relationships.

- I'm not poor, but I'm pretty far from rich.

- I have sleep apnea, and wear a breathing mask when I sleep.

- I'm kinky, and have a profile on FetLife, same username as here.

And...exhale. So, is anyone left? Cool! Thanks for sticking around.

I was born and raised in Texas, but luckily I escaped, because Texas is mostly awful. I'm very unlike how most people might imagine a typical Texan, although I'm told that I occasionally act like a southern gentleman, albeit a very liberal, queer friendly, feminist southern gentleman. I've lived in Chicago for over ten years, so this is home to me.

I'm an INTJ, and a Ravenclaw, if you're into those sorts of things.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I eke out a modest living as a freelance writer, mostly technical stuff, but other areas as well. I also do volunteer work for an outreach group that assists homeless veterans, and for a no-kill cat shelter. My dream job would be househusband/bodyguard/masseur to Daenerys Targaryen.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
- Making (or ordering) an elaborate breakfast at 3am.

- Hugs and cuddling. Aw.

- Giving massages.

- Cooking delicious food; mostly for carnivores/omnivores, but I'm aces at grilling vegetables.

- Taking naps, especially with cats. If only there were a word for that.

- Making asshole computers and electronics cooperate with humans.

- L'esprit d'escalier.

- Research. My Google-fu is way strong. I'm also good with
Lexis/Nexis and microfiche.

- Making lists, apparently.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Probably the beard. If I'm wearing shorts, my legs. Years of soccer and rugby left me with pretty great legs, so I'm told. I also get a lot of compliments on my eyes; I have two of them!
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I've limited myself to a sampling from each category:

Books: One of my favorite books of all time is Friday by Robert A. Heinlein. I read a lot of non-fiction, lately Sarah Vowell and Mary Roach are my favorites.

Movies: I know it's a very popular (read: clichéd) choice, but Casablanca is a fantastic piece of filmmaking. The best movie I've seen recently was The Intouchables. No, it didn't star Kevin Costner and Sean Connery, jeez. My favorite documentary is Exit Through the Gift Shop. My favorite romantic comedy is Secretary. What? It's totally a romantic comedy.

TV: Just started watching Peaky Blinders. I love Game of Thrones, because of COURSE I do. True Detective. Justified. Black Mirror. The Knick. Orange Is The New Black. Silicon Valley. Homeland. The Newsroom, Parks and Recreation, House of Cards. I get most of my news from Rachel Maddow, Chris Hayes, Jon Stewart, and John Oliver.

Music: Pretty much any playlist I create features songs by David Bowie, The Pixies, and Handsome Boy Modeling School. Oh, and there's a Robyn Dance Party at my house at least once a week, usually while I'm sorting laundry or cleaning the litter boxes. My guilty pleasure is Kesha, because fuck yes. Probably the best way to get an idea of what kind of music I like is to look at my playlists from when I used to host pub quizzes:

Food: Carnita nachos. My carnitas are so good, they'll make your abuela weep, possibly literally weep, as Sriracha and wasabi are involved. I also make pretty great gumbo, using my mom's recipe.

Podcasts: I regularly listen to Doug Loves Movies, Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!, You Made It Weird, and Comedy Bang Bang.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
- My cats.

- My glasses.

- Music.

- Air conditioning, or in cool weather, an open window. I also love ceiling fans, especially over beds.

- Really dark sunglasses; my eyes are really sensitive to sunlight, but my garlic intake would seem to indicate that I'm not a vampire.

- Noise-cancelling headphones. The person who invented these should win a Nobel Peace Prize.

- Is this where I put "my smartphone", and then apologize for that?
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
- This Wikipedia article. For some reason, it fascinates me. (for mobile users: it's the list of common misconceptions).

- "What would Leslie Knope do?"
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Insert snarky comment about there being "no such thing as a typical Friday night." Preferably sitting in a comfy chair, a delicious beverage at hand, tasty snacks nearby, having a great conversation with interesting people. But honestly, I'm probably sitting on my couch, watching Richard Ayoade clips on YouTube with the cats.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I'm told that I give great spankings, but don't take my word for it, that's something you should judge for yourself...

::cue sexy music::
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
- You like this quote: "A gentleman is simply a patient wolf." ― Lana Turner

- And this one: “We need to make books cool again. If you go home with somebody, and they don't have books, don't fuck 'em!” ― John Waters

- You live in Chicago, preferably on the north side. This has absolutely nothing to do with sportsball teams or neighborhood loyalty, and everything to do with the fact that I live on the north end of the red line (i.e., a little south of Evanston).

- You're attracted to fat, funny, nerdy, passionate, liberal, bearded geeks who aren't into sports or macho alpha male bullshit.

- I'm outside your stated age range, and you think I'm awesome. I won't message someone if I'm outside their parameters, so you'll need to make the first move. I'll make the next two moves. Deal?

- You're both wicked smart and sapiosexual.

- You're a pogonophile.

- You answered "Absolutely not" to the "Do you subscribe to/believe in the philosophies of Ayn Rand?" question. Seriously. Sorry, Objectivists. She was a hypocrite and a liar, and her books stink on ice even as literature, much less as philosophy.

- You want to make a blanket fort, and hide inside of it with me, cuddling, watching movies and eating carnita nachos.

- You can enjoy just being with someone, and not talking. For example, just laying in bed together and reading appeals to you.

- You're the type of person who would enjoy spending the day wandering around a museum, flea market, thrift store, used book store, farmer's market, or even the woods, if the weather was nice. You also might like going to the Shedd (to look at the cute otters and penguins) and the Adler (to look at the pretend stars). And go-karting! Yes.

- You want join me for a taping of "Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!"

- You think Twilight and Fifty Shades of Gray are fucking awful.

- The secret phrase that tells me that you've carefully read my profile is "some unicorns fart rainbows." Please use it in your reply to let me know what an observant reader you are.

- You don't use tons of emoticons, textlish, and internet slang. To me, "FTW" will always mean "fuck the world." You understand that "u" is a letter, and not the word "you", and "ur" is a prefix indicating "primitive" or an ancient Sumerian city, and not the word "your". I mean, we aren't barbarians. There are rules.

- Toss out everything above. Are you smart? Are you kinky? Do you have a dark/wicked sense of humor? Do you love animals, especially cats? Do you like smart, funny fat guys? Do you laugh at farts? If you answered "yes" (or better, "YES!") to those questions, message me!

Thanks for reading, and best of luck in your search.