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43 Chicago, IL Man


I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 18–99
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating

My Details

Last Online
Today – 8:41pm
Native American, White, Other
5′ 10″ (1.78m)
Body Type
Used up
Mostly anything
Dropped out of space camp
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Strictly monogamous
Doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t want any
Likes dogs and has cats
English (Fluently), Spanish (Poorly), Yiddish (Poorly)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
"If you are squeamish
Don't prod the
beach rubble."

― Sappho


Oh, hello! Hang on, I need to hijack the self-summary to scare most of you away:

- This profile is very long. On purpose.

- I'm fat. Not morbidly obese, but chubby. Broad shouldered and lumberjack-ish, if you like that flavor. (fun fact: "I'm looking for an active partner" is the "no fatties" of OK Cupid)

- I'm terribly un-cool. I tried in my younger years to be one of those subtle, apathetic/asshole types (read: sociopath), but I'm just not that guy. Too much empathy. And I'm a geek. In fact, I make a good living being a geek.

- I have a beard. It is magnificent. You'll probably like it more than you like me.

- I do not have nor do I want kids of my own. If you have kids, cool! But please don't look for me to be a "just add water" daddy.

- I was married once, and don't wish to do that again, thank you. So much paperwork! Oy.

- I don't smoke (but don't mind being around smokers), I don't drink to get drunk, and I don't use recreational drugs. I'm okay with being around pot smokers, so long as it's more casual use than "wake and bake."

- I have two cats. More accurately, they have me. If you have "dislikes cats" on your profile, I've probably already hidden you.

- I'm a bit introverted. Please note: this does not mean that I'm shy, just that don't like big crowds, and prefer quieter environments. I'm much more extroverted in one-on-one situations, or in small groups where I feel welcome.

- I'm neither religious nor spiritual.

- My platonic roommate is my ex-wife. She dates ladies now. She is also one of my best friends. I'll bet I lost most of you with this one.

- I eat meat.

- I'm not terribly into watching sports. I know a LOT about sports (from playing them, and from hosting trivia) but it's not really a destination activity for me.

- With rare exceptions, I don't like going to see live music, mainly because of the crowds. I like seeing live music in more intimate settings, but you won't see me at a venue with more than 100+ people all squished together.

- I'm a night owl; I'm at my best between 7pm and 4am.

- I don't have any tattoos or piercings; soon I shall be the only person like this on the planet. Just so it's clear, I like tattoos and piercings, I just don't want any of my own.

- I don't have a car, and I don't do long distance relationships. Seriously. If you don't live in the Chicago area, around an hour away from Rogers Park via the CTA, sorry, I'm not interested; unless you have a car, and like to come into town a *lot* (e.g., more than once a week). Distance might make the heart grow fonder, but it wears you down after a while.

- I'm looking to actually meet someone in person, not just exchange messages.

- I'm not rich, or wealthy, or well off. But I'm not poor.

- I have sleep apnea, and wear a breathing mask when I sleep. Just to clarify, this means that I don't snore when I wear the mask; I'm a very quiet sleeper. And the breathing machine is almost silent.

- I'm not a huge fan of traveling (except for occasional road trips) or camping (see: sleep apnea).

- You know how some people describe themselves as "outdoorsy"? Yeah. Well, I'm "indoorsy".

- I'm on FetLife, same username as here. I'm pretty vanilla when compared with 99% of the people on there, but, yeah. I'm also on reddit (yep, same username) if you want to stalk me there; honestly, I've probably posted more embarrassing things on there than on FetLife.

---- anyone left? Oh, hi! Thanks for sticking around.

I was born and raised in Texas, but luckily I escaped, because Texas is mostly awful. I'm very unlike how most people might imagine a typical Texan, although I'm told that I occasionally act like a southern gentleman, albeit a very liberal, queer friendly feminist one. I've lived in Chicago for over ten years, so this is home to me.

I'm an INTJ, if you're into that sort of thing.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
If I were born in a different era, I would have been a great blacksmith. Or spymaster. Or consulting detective. Ah, well. This century will have to do until I finish building my TARDIS...wanna help?

I make my living as a freelance writer, mostly technical stuff, but other areas as well. I'm in the process of starting up a small pub quiz company (it's actually going to be a non-profit that uses pub quizzes to raise money for other non-profits), and I host trivia events. Yes, I'm introverted, but I host pub quizzes in loud, crowded bars. I think I'm able to do it because when I'm a quizmaster, I sort of have godlike powers; well, omniscience insofar as the quiz, anyway. Oh, and also because I love the challenge of running a quiz, and bonus: I'm making money by being the smartest guy in the room.

I also do volunteer work for an outreach group that assists homeless veterans, a no-kill cat shelter, and I'm a Big Brother. I'm also looking for a volunteer opportunity that involves horses, but that isn't easy to find in Chicago; if you know of one, please let me know.

My dream job would be househusband/bodyguard/masseur to Daenerys Targaryen.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
- Making (or ordering) an elaborate breakfast at 3am.

- Not being lost, navigating, reading maps, and driving, especially stick.

- Situational awareness and critical thinking.

- Hugs and cuddling. Aw.

- Giving massages.

- Pondering my options for various worst-case scenarios.

- Cooking delicious food; mostly for carnivores/omnivores, but I'm aces at grilling vegetables.

- Washing dishes. Or loading the dishwasher, if I feel all fancy and shit.

- Taking naps, especially with cats. If only there were a word for that.

- Figuring out the songs and celebrity voiceovers in commercials.

- Fixing broken stuff, installing things, building furniture, putting together things from kits, and the like.

- Karaoke. Seriously, it's scary.

- Pogonotrophy.

- Interpreting/decoding slang.

- Comparing/contrasting my answers to OKC match questions to yours.

- Making asshole computers and electronics cooperate with humans.

- Winning most sorts of trivia contests or games. You want me on your team, trust me.

- L'esprit d'escalier.

- Research. My Google-fu is way strong. I'm also good with Lexis/Nexis and microfiche.


(because it's only fair) I’m really bad at:

- Letting go of a project. At times, I can be a bit too much of a perfectionist, especially with writing. I sometimes need someone to tell me "hey, you're done with that, put it down". Example: this bloated profile.

- Smiling. I don't smile a lot. It's not that I'm unhappy, it's just that I'm a deep thinker, and my "thoughtful" face looks rather serious. I laugh a lot, though.

- Proofing my own writing, especially for certain rules of grammar. You'll probably find errors in this profile.

- Drawing. I wish I could draw. I need a ruler to draw a halfway shitty straight line.

- Baking. I think I just don't have the patience for it.

- Playing musical instruments. Thank goodness I can sing.

- Dancing. I think I'm an awful dancer, but if I like you, I'll dance with you, or for you.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Probably the beard. If I'm wearing shorts, my legs. Years of soccer and rugby left me with pretty great legs, so I'm told. I also get a lot of compliments on my eyes; I have two of them!

I'm told I'm better looking in person than my photos represent. And no, it wasn't my mom who told me that. Ha.

A few times a year someone (usually a very drunk person) says this to me: "You don't have any tattoos? Are you sure? You look like you should have tattoos!"
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I've limited myself to a sampling from each category:

Books: One of my favorite books of all time is Friday by Robert A. Heinlein. I read a lot of non-fiction, lately Sarah Vowell and Mary Roach are my favorites.

Movies: I know it's a very popular (read: clichéd) choice, but Casablanca is a fantastic piece of filmmaking. The best movie I've seen recently was The Intouchables. No, it didn't star Kevin Costner and Sean Connery. Jeez. My favorite documentary is Exit Through the Gift Shop.

TV: Just finished season 2 of House of Cards; holy shit. I love Game of Thrones, because of COURSE I do. True Detective. Justified. The Knick. Orange Is The New Black. Silicon Valley. Homeland. The Newsroom. I get most of my news from Rachel Maddow, Chris Hayes, Jon Stewart, and John Oliver.

Music: Pretty much any playlist I create features songs by David Bowie, The Pixies, and Handsome Boy Modeling School. Oh, and there's a Robyn Dance Party at my house at least once a week, usually while I'm sorting laundry or cleaning the litter boxes. My guilty pleasure is Kesha, because fuck yes. Probably the best way to get an idea of what kind of music I like is to look at my quiz playlists:

Food: Carnita nachos. My carnitas are so good, they'll make your abuela weep, possibly literally weep, as Sriracha and wasabi are involved. I also make pretty great gumbo, using my mom's recipe.

Podcasts: I regularly listen to Doug Loves Movies, Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!, You Made It Weird, and Comedy Bang Bang.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
- My cats. I guess if I had to, I could do without them...but I wouldn't like it.

- My glasses. I'm blind as a bat without them, and my eyeballs don't seem to like contacts.

- Music.

- Air conditioning, or in cool weather, an open window. I also love ceiling fans, especially over beds.

- Really dark sunglasses; my eyes are really sensitive to sunlight, but my garlic intake would seem to indicate that I'm not a vampire.

- Noise-cancelling headphones. The person who invented these should win a Nobel Peace Prize.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
- This Wikipedia article. For some reason, it fascinates me. (for mobile users: it's the list of common misconceptions).

- Cooking techniques. Like, how to cook certain foods (especially potatoes) for simultaneous crunchiness and juiciness, or how to get a perfect Maillard reaction.

- Wu wei.

- "Do I have time to take a nap, and if so, for how long?"

- Quantum entanglement, chaos, probability, and entropy.

- "What would Leslie Knope do?"
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Not thinking about work. Insert snarky comment about there being "no such thing as a typical Friday night." I'm definitely not at a loud, crowded bar or club. Preferably sitting in a comfy chair, with a delicious beverage in hand, tasty snacks nearby, having a great conversation with interesting people.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I'm told I give great spankings, but don't take my word for it, that's something you should judge for yourself.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
- You like this quote: "A gentleman is simply a patient wolf." ― Lana Turner

- And this one: “We need to make books cool again. If you go home with somebody, and they don't have books, don't fuck 'em!” ― John Waters

- You're attracted to fat, funny, nerdy, liberal, bearded geeks who aren't into sports or macho alpha male bullshit.

- I'm outside your stated age range, and you think I'm awesome. I won't message someone if I'm outside their parameters, so you'll need to make the first move. I'll make the next two moves. Deal?

- Ideally, you've clicked the "doesn't have/want kids" and "likes/has cats" boxes, but everything's negotiable so long as you're cool that I don't want kids of my own, and that my cats are a non-negotiable part of my life.

- You're both wicked smart and sapiosexual.

- You're a pogonophile.

- You answered "Absolutely not" to the "Do you subscribe to/believe in the philosophies of Ayn Rand?" question. Seriously. Sorry, Objectivists. She was a hypocrite and a liar, and her books stink on ice even as literature, much less as philosophy.

- You're not perfect. I mean, no one is; I just like people who can admit that to themselves. Humility is very attractive to me.

- Related to the point above: You aren't a snob.

- You want to cook with me. I find that very sexy.

- You want to make a blanket fort, and hide inside of it with me, cuddling, watching movies and eating carnita nachos.

- You wanna go for a ride with me and Sister Agnes. Uh, she's my bicycle, not an actual nun.

- You can enjoy just being with someone, and not talking. For example, just laying in bed together and reading appeals to you.

- You're the type of person who would enjoy spending the day wandering around a museum, flea market, thrift store, farmer's market, or even the woods, if the weather was nice. You also might like going to the Shedd (to look at the cute otters and penguins) and the Adler (to look at the pretend stars). And go-karting! Yes.

- You want join me for a taping of "Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!"

- You've ever danced around like a loon to "Poison" by Bell Biv DeVoe.

- You love the smell of used bookstores.

- Semi-related: you think Twilight and Fifty Shades of Gray are fucking awful.

- You want to go to a pub quiz with me and my team...that is, if you wanna be on the team that wins. What? We're good!

- You know of a tabletop gaming group I can join, or you wanna start one of these with me. Bonus: I make great snacks.

- You don't want to drag me to crowded bars or clubs; that's probably not going to happen, unless we get a comfy table in a corner where we can people watch. I'd rather go to a dark dive full of old weirdos; it gives me a fun glimpse into my possible future.

- The secret phrase that tells me that you've carefully read my profile is "some unicorns fart rainbows." Please use it in your reply to let me know what an observant reader you are.

- You know what a "Sensual Service Dom" is, and desire to know one. Or that sentence made you curious, and you want to know more.

- You're left of center politically. I like to describe myself as more liberal than Obama, but less liberal than Noam Chomsky (but only slightly). I'm basically a progressive socialist.

- You don't use tons of emoticons, textlish, and internet slang. To me, "FTW" will always mean "fuck the world." You understand that "u" is a letter, and not the word "you", and "ur" is a prefix indicating "primitive" or an ancient Sumerian city, and not the word "your". I mean, we aren't barbarians. There are rules.

- You believe that gender roles aren't binary, or written in stone, and that sexuality is a matrix. You understand that "straight" doesn't have to mean "narrow". As Dorothy Parker so eloquently put it, "Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common."

- You wear glasses. They're a big turn-on for me. I think it has to do with my first crush being on my middle school's librarian. Bonus points for glasses, red hair, and freckles.

- (Related to the above point) You are Christina Hendricks, or her clone.

- You understand the value of another person's time. I promise to do my very best not to waste yours, and I expect the same courtesy.

- You want a househusband, even if you aren't Daenerys Targaryen. I would rock at being a househusband. I know this because I've been one, and I rocked at it.

- You're a GGG (Good, Giving, Game) sex-positive person, like me. Desiring/having/being good at sex is nothing to be ashamed of, especially if you're playing safe with a GGG partner. This isn't the Middle Ages, fuck the Puritans, literally if possible; all the better to show them the error of their ways. Note: This does not mean I have sex with everyone I'm attracted to; and if you think it does, of luck to you.

- Re: the above, I am also not looking for someone JUST to have sex with. What I want is a monogamous relationship/partnership involving a LOT more than just rubbing body parts together.

- Toss out everything above. Are you smart? Are you kinky? Do you have a dark/wicked sense of humor? Do you love animals, especially cats? Do you like smart, funny fat guys? Do you laugh at farts? If you answered "yes" (or better, "YES!") to those questions, message me!

Thanks for reading, and best of luck in your search.


let it go-the
smashed word broken
open vow or
the oath cracked length
wise-let it go it
was sworn to

let them go-the
truthful liars and
the false fair friends
and the boths and
neithers-you must let them go they
were born
to go

let all go-the
big small middling
tall bigger really
the biggest and all
things-let all go
so comes love

― E.E. Cummings, "#79"