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43 Chicago, IL Man


I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 33–53
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating

My Details

Last Online
Yesterday – 8:01pm
White, Other
5′ 10″ (1.78m)
Body Type
Used up
Mostly anything
Atheism, and laughing about it
Dropped out of space camp
Art / Music / Writing
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Strictly monogamous
Doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t want any
Likes dogs and has cats
English (Fluently), Spanish (Poorly), Yiddish (Poorly)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Hi! This is the part where I scare 98% of you away. Deep breath, and...

- I'm fat, magnificently bearded, and I shave my head. The "fat" part is changing rapidly thanks to a change in diet (yay, thermodynamics!) and a lot of cardio, but I'll never be thin. The magnificent beard and shaved head are, you know, just what I look like.

- I don't have or want kids of my own, and I don't want to get married. If you have kids? No problem, so long as you don't want any new ones from me. Ha.

- I don't smoke, I don't drink to get drunk, and I don't get high.

- I have two cats.

- I'm neither religious nor spiritual. I'm an apatheist! Seriously, that's a real thing.

- Politically, I'm a democratic socialist. You might be too, and not even know it, especially if you like paved roads, schools, libraries, street lights, sewer systems, clean water, etc.

- I get called an SJW a lot on reddit, which I take as a high compliment. Pissing off MRAs and anti-feminists is one of my hobbies.

- My platonic roommate is my ex-wife. She's a lesbian now. I'll bet I lost most of y'all with that one.

- I eat meat.

- I'm not into watching sports, so if you have a photo of yourself making out with the Stanley Cup on your profile, it's probably not gonna work out between us.

- I'm a homebody (aka "indoorsy"), and I'm not a huge fan of traveling. I realize that saying that I don't like traveling on my OKC profile is tantamount to admitting to leprosy or having a vestigial tail, but...yeah.

- I don't enjoy going to loud, crowded bars, venues, or music festivals to see music. I prefer small, dark clubs.

- I'm a night owl.

- I have no tattoos or piercings. I do like them on others (a lot), I just don't have any of my own.

- I don't have an automobile of my own.

- I don't do long distance relationships. Or open relationships. Or long distance open relationships.

- I'm not poor, but I'm definitely not rich.

- I have sleep apnea, and wear a breathing mask when I sleep. I sleep very soundly and quietly.

- I have a profile on FetLife, same username as here.

- You may have noticed that I'm not smiling in my photos; I've never liked being photographed, but I do smile in real life. This is better than me having the same rictus expression in every one of my photos, right?

And...exhale. So, is anyone left? Cool! Thanks for sticking around.

I was born and raised in Texas, but luckily I escaped, because Texas is mostly awful. I'm very unlike how most people might imagine a typical Texan, although I'm told that I occasionally act like a southern gentleman, albeit a very liberal, queer friendly, feminist southern gentleman. I've lived in Chicago since 2003, so this is home to me.

I'm an INTJ, and a Ravenclaw, if you're into those sorts of things.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I eke out a modest living as a freelance writer (mostly technical writing and "document un-fucking"), and I also manage event logistics, which is a fancy way of saying that I do all of the minor behind the scenes shit. I used to run pub quizzes, and probably will again soon. I also do volunteer work for an outreach group that assists homeless veterans and for a no-kill cat shelter. My dream job would be househusband/bodyguard/masseur to Daenerys Targaryen.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
- Making (or ordering) an elaborate breakfast at 3am.

- Hugs and cuddling. Aw.

- Giving massages.

- Cooking delicious food; mostly for carnivores/omnivores, but I'm aces at grilling vegetables.

- Taking naps, especially with cats. If only there were a word for that...

- Making asshole computers and electronics cooperate with humans.

- L'esprit d'escalier.

- Research. My Google-fu is way strong. I'm also good with
Lexis/Nexis and microfiche.

- I don't wanna brag, but I'm pretty great at loading and unloading dishwashers. And washing dishes in general. This does *not*, however, mean I'll wash your dishes. At least not on the first date. I'm not your dish slut.

- Making lists, apparently.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Probably the beard. If I'm wearing shorts, my legs. Years of soccer and rugby left me with pretty great legs, so I'm told. I also get a lot of compliments on my eyes; I have two of them!
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I've limited myself to a sampling from each category:

Books: This list could get long; some authors I enjoy include Shel Silverstein, Margaret Atwood, Douglas Adams, S. E. Hinton, George R. R. Martin, Terry Pratchett, Marion Zimmer Bradley, and Neil Gaiman. I read a lot of non-fiction, lately Sarah Vowell, Laura Hillenbrand, and Mary Roach are my favorites.

(semi-related: Based on the sheer number of profiles I see with The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle listed, you'd think that was the best selling book of all time.)

Movies: I know it's a very popular (read: clichéd) choice, but Casablanca is a fantastic piece of filmmaking. My top three films of 2014 were A Most Wanted Man, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, and Chef. The best foreign film movie I've seen recently was The Intouchables. No, it didn't star Kevin Costner and Sean Connery, jeez. My favorite documentary is Exit Through the Gift Shop. My favorite romantic comedy is Secretary. What? It's totally a romantic comedy. And I named one of my cats Princess Buttercup, so you can probably guess one of my favorite movies. Probably.

TV: Just started watching Peaky Blinders. I love Game of Thrones, because of COURSE I do. True Detective. Justified. Black Mirror. The Knick. Orange Is The New Black. Silicon Valley. Homeland. The Newsroom, Parks and Recreation, House of Cards. I get most of my news from Rachel Maddow, Chris Hayes, Jon Stewart, and John Oliver (::pours out some Bud Light Lime for Stephen Colbert::).

Music: Pretty much any playlist I create features songs by David Bowie, The Pixies, Johnny Cash, The Smiths, and Handsome Boy Modeling School. Oh, and there's a Robyn Dance Party at my house at least once a week, usually while I'm sorting laundry or cleaning the litter boxes. My guilty pleasure is Kesha; feel free to mock me for that. Probably the best way to get an idea of what kind of music I like is to look at my playlists from when I used to host pub quizzes:

Food: I cook over fire and smoke whenever I get the chance, even in the middle of a blizzard. I eat a lot of fish, more fish than I EVER ate when I actually lived an hour from the Gulf of Mexico. I also like making carnita nachos. My carnitas are so good, they'll make your abuela weep, possibly literally weep, as Sriracha and wasabi are involved. I make pretty great gumbo, using my mom's recipe. My whipped garlic mashed potatoes are, in the words of my friend Sasha, "the fuckin' tits." My Double Dragon ramen soup might be a cure for the common cold.

Podcasts: I regularly listen to Doug Loves Movies, Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!, You Made It Weird, and Comedy Bang Bang.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
- My cats.

- My glasses.

- Music.

- Dark chocolate.

- Air conditioning, or in cool weather, an open window. I also love ceiling fans, especially over beds.

- Really dark sunglasses; my eyes are really sensitive to sunlight, but my garlic intake would seem to indicate that I'm not a vampire.

- Noise-cancelling headphones, especially on the CTA. The person who invented these should win a Nobel Peace Prize.

- Is this where I put "my smartphone", and then apologize for that?
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
- This Wikipedia article. For some reason, it fascinates me (for mobile users: it's the list of common misconceptions).

- "What would Leslie Knope do?"
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Insert snarky comment about there being "no such thing as a typical Friday night." Preferably sitting in a comfy chair, a delicious beverage at hand, tasty snacks nearby, having a great conversation with interesting people. But honestly, I'm probably sitting on the couch with my cats, watching Richard Ayoade clips on YouTube.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I'm told that I give great spankings, but don't take my word for it, that's something you should judge for yourself.

You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
- You like this quote: "A gentleman is simply a patient wolf." ― Lana Turner

- And this one: “We need to make books cool again. If you go home with somebody, and they don't have books, don't fuck 'em!” ― John Waters

- You live in Chicago, preferably on the north side. This has absolutely nothing to do with sportsball teams or neighborhood loyalty, and everything to do with the fact that I live on the north end of the red line (i.e., a little south of Evanston). As I mentioned above, I don't have a car, so if you don't live somewhere accessible via the CTA, welp.

- You're attracted to fat, funny, nerdy, passionate, liberal, bearded geeks who aren't into sports or macho alpha male bullshit.

- I'm outside your (or my) age range, and you think I'm awesome. I won't message someone if I'm outside their parameters, so you'll need to make the first move. I'll make the next two moves. Deal?

- You're both wicked smart and sapiosexual.

- You're a pogonophile.

- You want to make a blanket fort, and hide inside of it with me, cuddling, watching movies and eating carnita nachos.

- You can enjoy just being with someone, and not talking. For example, just laying in bed together and reading appeals to you.

- You're just looking for a friend. I know a lot of people tick that box on here just to seem not so desperate or whatever, and then aren't actually interested in friendship, but friends are good to have, especially if you're also introverted and socially awkward like me.

- You answered "Absolutely not" to the "Do you subscribe to/believe in the philosophies of Ayn Rand?" question. Seriously. Sorry, Objectivists. She was a hypocrite and a liar, and her books stink on ice even as literature, much less as philosophy.

- You're the type of person who would enjoy spending the day wandering around a museum, flea market, thrift store, used book store, farmer's market, or even the woods, if the weather was nice. You also might like going to the Shedd (to look at the cute otters and penguins) and the Adler (to look at the pretend stars). And go-karting! Yes.

- You want join me for a taping of "Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!"

- You think Twilight and Fifty Shades of Gray are fucking awful.

- The secret phrase that tells me that you've carefully read my profile is "some unicorns fart rainbows." Please use it in your reply to let me know what an observant reader you are.

- You don't use tons of emoticons, textlish, and internet slang. To me, "FTW" will always mean "fuck the world." You understand that "u" is a letter, and not the word "you", and "ur" is a prefix indicating "primitive" or an ancient Sumerian city, and not the word "your". I mean, we aren't barbarians. There are rules.

- Toss out everything above. Are you smart? Are you kinky? Do you have a dark/wicked sense of humor? Do you love animals, especially cats? Do you like smart, funny fat guys? Do you laugh at farts? If you answered "yes" (or better, "YES!") to those questions, message me!

Thanks for reading, and best of luck in your search.