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44 Chicago, IL Man


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I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 30–50
  • Near me
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating

My details

Last online
Today – 1:23am
Sapiosexual, Straight
5′ 10″ (1.78m)
Body type
Mostly anything
Atheism, and laughing about it
Dropped out of space camp
Doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t want any
Has dogs and has cats
English (Fluently), Spanish (Poorly)
My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Most people who look at me only see the surface: fat bearded nerd, kind of intimidating, seems intense and focused. That's all true, but there's a LOT more under the surface. People who truly get to know me comment on how different my actual personality is versus their first impression; hopefully you're someone who looks deeper than surface level.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I used to be a freelance writer and event manager (and hating it), now I'm working as a profesional cook (and loving it) in the smokehouse of a certain restaurant named after a dominant pre-historic terrestrial vertebrate. I also write (mostly comedic essays), and I do volunteer work for the Wounded Warrior Project, the Leather Archive & Museum, and Tree House Humane Society.

My dream job would be househusband/bodyguard/masseur to Daenerys Targaryen, so...Khaleesi, if you're reading this, your sun and stars awaits.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
- Making (or ordering) elaborate breakfasts at 3am.

- Hugs and cuddling. D'aw.

- Giving massages.

- Cooking delicious food; mostly for carnivores/omnivores, but I'm aces at grilling vegetables.

- Taking naps, especially with cats. If only there were a word for that...

- Singing "No Diggity" at karaoke. Also while not at karaoke.

- Making asshole computers and electronics cooperate with humans.

- L'esprit d'escalier.

- Research. My Google-fu is way strong. I'm also good with
LexisNexis and microfiche.

- I don't wanna brag, but I'm pretty great at loading and unloading dishwashers. And washing dishes in general. But this does *not*, mean that I'll wash your dishes, at least not on the first date. I'm not your dish slut.

- Making lists, apparently.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Probably the beard. If I'm wearing shorts, my legs; years of soccer and rugby left me with pretty great legs, so I'm told. I also get a lot of compliments on my eyes; I have two of them!
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I've limited myself to a sampling from each category:

Books: This list could get long; some authors I enjoy include Shel Silverstein, Margaret Atwood, Douglas Adams, Kurt Vonnegut, S. E. Hinton, George R. R. Martin, Terry Pratchett, Marion Zimmer Bradley, Raymond Chandler, Dashiell Hammett, and Neil Gaiman. I read a lot of non-fiction, lately Sarah Vowell, Laura Hillenbrand, and Mary Roach are my favorites.

Semi-related: Based on the sheer number of profiles I see with The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle listed, you'd think that it was the best selling book of all time. I read it. It was good! Gave me weird, vivid dreams.

Movies: I know it's a very popular (read: clichéd) choice, but Casablanca is a fantastic piece of filmmaking. My top three films of 2014 were A Most Wanted Man, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, and Chef. The best foreign film movie I've seen recently was The Intouchables. No, it didn't star Kevin Costner and Sean Connery, jeez. My favorite documentary is Exit Through the Gift Shop. I have a particular fondness for the films Almost Famous and Once, and also for terrible '80s movies. Oh, and I named one of my cats Princess Buttercup, so you can probably guess one of my very favorite movies. Probably.

TV: Game of Thrones, Daredevil, True Detective, Justified, Black Mirror, The Knick, Orange Is The New Black, Silicon Valley, Peaky Blinders, Homeland, The Good Wife, Man Seeking Woman, House of Cards. I get most of my news from Rachel Maddow, Chris Hayes, Jon Stewart, Larry Wilmore, and John Oliver (::pours out some Bud Light Lime for Stephen Colbert::).

Music: Pretty much any playlist I create features songs by David Bowie, The Pixies, Aimee Mann, The Smiths, Fiona Apple, and Handsome Boy Modeling School. I also enjoy older country, like Patsy Cline, Johnny Cash, Dolly Parton, Loretta Lynn, Waylon Jennings, Tammy Wynette, Willie Nelson, and George Jones. Oh, and there's a Robyn Dance Party at my house at least once a week, usually while I'm sorting laundry or cleaning the litter boxes. My guilty pleasure is Kesha; feel free to mock me for that. Probably the best way to get an idea of what kind of music I like is to look at my playlists from when I used to host pub quizzes:

Food: I cook over fire and smoke for a living and for fun, even in the middle of a blizzard. I eat a lot of fish, more fish than I EVER ate when I actually lived an hour from the Gulf of Mexico. I also like making carnita nachos. My carnitas are so good, they'll make your abuela weep, possibly literally weep, as Sriracha and wasabi are involved. I make pretty great gumbo, using my mom's recipe. My whipped garlic mashed potatoes are, in the words of my friend Sasha, "the fuckin' tits." My Double Dragon ramen soup might be a cure for the common cold.

Podcasts: I regularly listen to Doug Loves Movies, Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!, You Made It Weird, and Comedy Bang Bang.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
- My cats.

- My glasses.

- Music.

- Dark chocolate.

- Air conditioning, or in cool weather, an open window. I also love ceiling fans, especially over beds.

- Really dark sunglasses; my eyes are really sensitive to sunlight, but my garlic intake would seem to indicate that I'm not a vampire.

- Noise-cancelling headphones, especially on the CTA. The person who invented these should win a Nobel Peace Prize.

- Is this where I put "my smartphone", and then apologize for that?
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
- This Wikipedia article. For some reason, it fascinates me (for mobile users: it's the list of common misconceptions).

- How hilarious traditional binary gender roles are.

- "What would Leslie Knope do?"

- How to make fish taste like steak. The secret seems to be butter and toasted sesame oil.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Insert snarky comment about there being "no such thing as a typical Friday night." Preferably sitting in a comfy chair, a delicious beverage at hand, tasty snacks nearby, having a great conversation with interesting people. But honestly, I'm probably sitting on the couch with my cats, watching Richard Ayoade clips on YouTube.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My favorite romantic comedy is Secretary. What? It's totally a romantic comedy. Oh, and I have a profile on FetLife, same username as here. Sooooo, yeah.

Oh, and side note: I've noticed a lot of responses to this question along the lines of "why would I reveal a private thing on the internet?" Those folks seem to be missing the point. It's the most private thing you're WILLING to admit, not your deepest, darkest secret. Have some fun with it.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
- You're just looking for a friend. I know a lot of people tick that box on here just to seem not so desperate or whatever, but when it comes down to brass tacks, they aren't actually interested in friendship. But friends are good to have, especially if you're also introverted and socially awkward like me. Also, any kind of dating relationship I have must to start as a friendship. No exceptions.

- You like this quote: "A gentleman is simply a patient wolf." ― Lana Turner

- And this one: “We need to make books cool again. If you go home with somebody, and they don't have books, don't fuck 'em!” ― John Waters

- You wanna by the Nora to my Nick. Or the Nick to my Nora.

- You live in Chicago, preferably on the north side. This has absolutely nothing to do with sportsball teams or neighborhood loyalty, and everything to do with the fact that I live on the north end of the red line (i.e., a little south of Evanston). I don't have a car of my own, so if you don't live somewhere accessible via the CTA, welp.

- You're attracted to fat, funny, nerdy, passionate, liberal, bearded geeks who aren't into sports or macho alpha male bullshit.

- I'm outside your age range, and you think I'm awesome. I won't message someone if I'm outside their parameters, so you'll need to make the first move. I'll make the next two moves. Deal?

- You're both wicked smart and sapiosexual.

- You're a pogonophile.

- You want to make a blanket fort, and hide inside of it with me, cuddling, watching movies and eating carnita nachos.

- You can enjoy just being with someone, and not talking. For example, just laying in bed together and reading appeals to you.

- You answered "Absolutely not" to the "Do you subscribe to/believe in the philosophies of Ayn Rand?" question. Seriously. Sorry, Objectivists. She was a hypocrite and a liar, and her books stink on ice even as literature, much less as philosophy.

- You're the type of person who would enjoy spending the day wandering around a museum, flea market, thrift store, used book store, farmer's market, or even the woods, if the weather was nice. You also might like going to the Shedd (to look at the cute otters and penguins) and the Adler (to look at the pretend stars). You'd like to go to a play, or even the opera. Spending the evening playing board or card games appeals to you. And maybe, once in a blue moon, you like go-karting! Yes.

- You want join me for a taping of "Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!"

- You think Twilight and Fifty Shades of Gray are fucking awful.

- The secret phrase that tells me that you've carefully read my profile is "some unicorns fart rainbows." Please use it in your reply to let me know what an observant reader you are.

- You don't use tons of emoticons, textlish, and internet slang. To me, "FTW" will always mean "fuck the world." You understand that "u" is a letter, and not the word "you", and "ur" is a prefix indicating "primitive" or an ancient Sumerian city, and not the word "your". I mean, we aren't barbarians. There are rules.

- A quick aside: If every photo on your profile is a car selfie, I'll be forced to assume that you live in your car.

- Toss out everything above. Are you smart? Are you kinky? Do you have a dark/wicked sense of humor? Do you love animals, especially cats? Do you like smart, funny fat guys? Do you laugh at farts? If you answered "yes" (or better, "YES!") to those questions, message me!

Thanks for reading, and best of luck in your search.