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fennek

31 M Death Valley, CA

My Details

Last Online
Today – 5:56pm
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
White
Height
5′ 10″ (1.78m)
Body Type
Used up
Diet
Strictly other
Smokes
No
Drinks
Desperately
Drugs
Never
Religion
Islam, and laughing about it
Sign
Scorpio, but it doesn’t matter
Education
Dropped out of med school
Job
Medicine
Income
Rather not say
Relationship Status
Single
Relationship Type
Offspring
Doesn’t have kids
Pets
Has dogs and has cats
Speaks
English (Poorly), Sign Language (Poorly)

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My self-summary
Welcome to thunderdome, bitch. I'm all man. And not a Renaissance man either - a Dark Ages man. I'm gonna give you da plague, girl. I'm a real, strong, powerful, badass motherfucker -literally. I've probably already fucked your mother. Don't worry, it was consensual, and I have the signed affidavit to prove it. Sidenote: I'm a Notary.

If you don't like Alpha Males, don't worry, because I'm not one - I'm the guy shooting alphas from a plane - which is legal because I'm permitted by the Alaskan Fish and Wildlife Service, and I've got a bounty to collect. Sawing off wolf heads isn't as easy as it sounds.

I'm so manly I make Jon Hamm look like John Waters - and I don't mean by comparison - I mean I once ran down Jon Hamm like a dog, tackled him, knocked him unconscious with my cock, and then through the creative and precise use of professional prosthetics and make up I made him look indistinguishable from John Waters. Dead fucking ringer. Then I forced him to be John Waters for a 6 month period last year while I kept the real John Waters in my basement (This explains why there was such a long fucking time in between seasons of Mad Men).

This is all 100% true. Allegedly.
What I’m doing with my life
I'm also truly a big cat trainer, like Barnum or Bailey, or Roy. But alive and not all fucked up. And to those guys I'm superior, like the lake but greater. You may ask, "what makes you so much better than them?" and I'll probably answer, "some combination of nature and nurture - of socialization and genetics." Then you may ask, "why do you feel the need to be such a pedantic twat"? And I'll answer, "the question mark should be placed immediately after 'twat' and before the closing quotation mark."

You may also ask, "aren't you worried you'll get your ass maimed like Roy, of Siegfried and Roy fame?" and I'll reply to that with, "stop asking so many fucking questions." The real answer is because I'm just that good. I don't require sequins or tassels or cod pieces or whatever other bullshit bells and whistles Roy had. All I require are my wits and the knowledge that it's kill or be killed. Why won't a tiger plunge his three inch canines into my neck, severing my cervical vertebrae and jugular, and drag me off stage to begin devouring me alive as I'm screaming bloody murder? Because if I even see a hint of aggro intent through my otherworldly intuition I'll dispose of him in a pre-emptive and brutal manner. Think Michael Vick, but cleaner.

I've done it before and I'll do it again. You haven't heard about all of these big cat executions (self defense) I've committed because I know how to cover my tracks, like a world class old school Indian tracker. But sober.
I’m really good at
A better and more concise essay topic would be, "what aren't I good at?" (Just an FYI, OkCupid.) But that isn't the question, so I suppose it would be fitting to begin with, "coming up with good essay topics for a dating website." We've already established that I make like a Microsoft spreadsheet application and Excel at this, so why beat a dead horse? I actually did beat a dead horse once, but that's a story for another time. (Spoiler alert: They rescinded my USDA permits, revoked my contract for that petting zoo and I'm still on probation.)

Speaking of stories, while most pictures are worth a thousand words, I'm such an incredible photographer that mine are worth a million. In fact, incredible is an understatement. When it comes to lighting, composition, choice of subject, color, it doesn't even matter - I can take a photo of a literal piece of shit (like Chris Brown) with an LG camera flip phone from 2006, completely ignore all of the technical details and come out with a work of art of such astounding beauty that it would make Ansel Adams rise from the dead and eat Annie Leibovitz alive. That doesn't make sense. But art doesn't have to.
The first things people usually notice about me
When I ask people this question usually the only response I get are muffled screams. So that?

You may have heard that the Seattle Seahawks football stadium recently broke the record for loudest sound ever produced by human voices, but what they don't tell you is who set the previous record: me. I did it one morning when I was awoken by my own screams from the night terrors which involved reliving memories of all the pain I've regretfully failed to inflict. (There's only so much time in the day.)

They also notice is that I look like a combination of latter years Roger Ebert and Michael Jackson, only with a chin and a nose. You do the math. And then do my nails.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
The only good book is the Good Book. It has everything: incest, murder, rape, whores, irony, hypocrisy. Why read anything else? Maybe this country was built upon the bible. Bible bible y'all!

Movies jumped the shark when they added audio. Name one good talkie besides Gremlins 2. You can't do it, can you? No, you can't, so don't even bother trying. If you message me and try to submit another competitor for talkies worth a damn, I'll not only delete the message immediately, I'll report you to Xenu, supreme leader of the Galactic Confederacy for being a waste of a perfectly good thetan. If I had to pick the scariest movie I know I'd go with Look Who's Coming to Dinner, and the movie with the funniest ending is Birth of a Nation.

Shows? Just one favorite show: Cats. End of story.

Music is all just redundant, repetitive tripe, ripping off redundant repetitive tripe from earlier eras. Take the Beatles for example: Guitar, bass, singing, drums? Suck my dick, George Harrison's cancer riddled ghost. The only music I listen to is Gregorian Chants, and I certainly don't listen to mp3's or cd's of it, as the degradation of the recording and shallowness of the sound quality is infuriating. I'll only listen to actual monks singing it. Harmony: overrated. Rhythm: no thank you. Instrumentation: you must be fucking kidding me. I won't listen to anything that took more than a larynx and some lungs to produce. (Ease off on the tongue already.) Innovation is the worst thing human beings have conjured up in our relatively short existence - narrowly edging out nuclear weapons and Nicole Ritchie.

I don't eat food. Water, protein powder, and 36 different vitamins and minerals blended into a shake is all I need. I inject it directly into the hearts of my victims. And then I don't even eat their hearts, because I'm a rascal!
The six things I could never do without
• You
• You
• You
• You
• You
• You
• My Black and Decker LCS120 20V Lithium Cordless Chain Saw (I couldn't choose just 6, and this one is necessary in order to provide me with the other 6)
I spend a lot of time thinking about
• I hope in the near future, scientists discover that fake mustaches cause terminal cancer.

• Disney should make a princess with no hair so every little girl that is fighting cancer can feel beautiful. Then they should kill her, to teach them that everything they ever love will die.

• I'm gonna train my next dog to fight. I'll name her Chocolate, because yeah, she’ll be sweet to me, but she’ll kill other dogs.

• Great names for new birth control pills. I'm taking a poll on which is best: Sudden Infant Death System, Embryonic Destruction Device, Unwanted Fetus Savager or Baby Lye?

• Why is it the Jewish "holocaust" that gets all the historical attention? Why no love for the Armenian Genocide? Speaking of, am I wrong in thinking that the worst thing about the Armenian Genocide is that the Kardashians’ ancestors survived?

• What’s the deal with oppressive African regimes? They give their women cliterectomies to deprive them of carnal joy. I don’t think that’s gonna work unless they give them a shoppingerectomy. Am I right? Don't answer that, it was rhetorical and your opinions are universally invalid. Because you're a woman.

• My brother always used to tell me that I should exercise more. He told me that if I run I'll be healthier and in better shape. But then he went to run the Boston Marathon, and now he doesn't even have a leg left to stand on.
On a typical Friday night I am
Have you seen Caligula?
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm so against forced male circumcision I had a doctor add extra discarded foreskins to me. It looks like Frankenstein's little monster down there. With bolts and everything. FIRE BAD.

Also did you know that victims of sexual molestation sometimes suffer from a condition called arrested development, where their mental development stops at the age they were assaulted? I was wondering if that means that mentally I’m 4? 6, 8, 12, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15 years old?
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 22–34
  • Near me
  • For new friends
You should message me if
If you have low self esteem, but are objectively physically attractive - I'm talking at least a 9.5 - and not on the Richter scale, ladies, but on the attractiveness scale (Like trainers at Sea World, I'm not about to get wet with Shamu any time soon). Be prepared to start recognizing me as the guiding beacon in your life, because no matter what was important to you before, it will no longer be. I will be your lighthouse, and I will collapse on you, smothering you to death in the process. But at least your burial place will be on ocean front property, and let's be honest, that's more than you deserve.