If you don't like Alpha Males, don't worry, because I'm not one - I'm the guy shooting alphas from a plane - which is legal because I'm permitted by the Alaskan Fish and Wildlife Service, and I've got a bounty to collect. Sawing off wolf heads isn't as easy as it sounds, but it's all worth it when I see Sarah Palin's glowing face when I mount them around her bedroom and she fingers herself using their blood as lubricant (She says she's able to absorb the wolf's ancient power that way but I think all she's absorbing is wolf AIDS).
I'm so manly I make Jon Hamm look like John Waters - and I don't mean by comparison - I mean I once ran down Jon Hamm like a dog, tackled him, knocked him unconscious with my cock, and then through the creative and precise use of professional quality prosthetics and make up I made him look indistinguishable from John Waters. Dead fucking ringer. Then I forced him to be John Waters for a 6 month period last year while I kept the real John Waters in my basement (This explains why there was such a long fucking time in between seasons of Mad Men).
This is all 100% true. Allegedly.
You may also ask, "aren't you worried you'll get your ass maimed like Roy, of Siegfried and Roy fame?" and I'll reply to that with, "stop asking so many fucking questions." The real answer is because I'm just that good. I don't require sequins or tassels or cod pieces or whatever other bullshit bells and whistles Roy had. All I require are my wits and the knowledge that it's kill or be killed. Why won't a tiger plunge his three inch canines into my neck, severing my cervical vertebrae and jugular, and drag me off stage to begin devouring me alive as I'm screaming bloody murder? Because if I even see a hint of aggro intent through my otherworldly intuition I'll dispose of him in a pre-emptive and brutal manner. Like Vince Foster.
I've done it before and I'll do it again. You haven't heard about all of these executions (self defense) I've committed because I know how to cover my tracks, like a world class old school Indian tracker. But sober. Go Washington Redskins.
Speaking of stories, while most pictures are worth a thousand words, I'm such an incredible photographer that mine are worth a million. In fact, incredible is an understatement. When it comes to lighting, composition, choice of subject, color, it doesn't even matter - I can take a photo of a literal piece of shit (like Chris Brown) with an LG camera flip phone from 2006, completely ignore all of the technical details and come out with a work of art of such astounding beauty that it would make Ansel Adams rise from the dead and eat Annie Leibovitz alive. What I just wrote doesn't make any sense. But. art. doesn't. have. to.
Some people will say I'm the greatest living stand up comedian, and those people would be right. Here's a little insight for the aspiring comics: there's only one way to reach the goal of becoming the world's best living stand up comedian and that's murder. Lots of murder. So I'd suggest doing that.
Other people will say "Pryor's the greatest comedian of all time, living or dead" but what those people don't know is that I was the one who did Richard Pryor: Live on the Sunset Strip. I did it in blackface. #thefrowasreal. It wasn't even on the Sunset Strip, it was on a soundstage in Hollywood and Kubrick was an amazing director to work with. If you're wondering where the real Pryor was I had built a ring of fire around him and he stayed in the middle of it willingly as a result of his obvious aversion to the flames.
That wasn't even my greatest performance. Last week I put together a show so brilliant, a set so killer that the NFL has dedicated an entire season to curing it.
You may have heard that the Seattle Seahawks football stadium recently broke the record for loudest sound ever produced by human voices, but what they don't tell you is who set the previous record: me. I did it one morning when I was awoken by my own screams from the night terrors which involved reliving memories of all the pain I've regretfully failed to inflict. (There's only so much time in the day.)
They also notice that I look like a combination of latter years Roger Ebert and Michael Jackson, only with a chin and a nose. You do the math. And then do my nails. I just want you to know that cheap jokes based on racist stereotypes aren't what drive me. Asians are, because I have a death wish.
Movies jumped the shark when they added audio. Name one good talkie besides Gremlins 2. You can't do it, can you? No, you can't, so don't even bother trying. If you message me and try to submit another competitor for talkies worth a damn, I'll not only delete the message immediately, I'll report you to Xenu, supreme leader of the Galactic Confederacy for being a waste of a perfectly good thetan. If I had to pick the scariest movie I know I'd go with Look Who's Coming to Dinner, and the movie with the most heart warming ending is Birth of a Nation.
Shows? Just one favorite show: Cats. End of story.
Music is all just redundant, repetitive tripe, ripping off redundant repetitive tripe from earlier eras. Take the Beatles for example: Guitar, bass, singing, drums? Suck my dick, George Harrison's cancer riddled ghost. The only music I listen to is Gregorian Chants, and I certainly don't listen to mp3's or cd's of it, as the degradation of the recording and shallowness of the sound quality is infuriating. I'll only listen to actual monks singing it. Harmony: overrated. Rhythm: no thank you. Instrumentation: you must be fucking kidding me. I won't listen to anything that took more than a larynx and some lungs to produce. (Ease off on the tongue already.) Oh and fuck falsetto; nuts off or shut off. Innovation is the worst thing human beings have conjured up in our relatively short existence - narrowly edging out nuclear weapons and Nicole Ritchie.
I don't eat food. Water, protein powder, and 36 different vitamins and minerals blended into a shake is all I need. I inject it directly into the hearts of my victims. And then I don't even eat their hearts, because I'm a rascal!
• My Black and Decker LCS120 20V Lithium Cordless Chain Saw (I couldn't choose just 6, and this one is necessary in order to provide me with the other 6)
• Disney should make a princess with no hair so every little girl that is fighting cancer can feel beautiful. Then they should kill her, as a sort of pop quiz on mortality to begin preparing them for the final exam that is their own impending demise.
• I'm gonna train my next dog to fight. I'll name her Chocolate, because yeah, she’ll be sweet to me, but she’ll kill other dogs.
• Names for new birth control pills. I'm taking a poll on which is best: Sudden Infant Death System, Embryonic Destruction Device, Unwanted Fetus Savager or Baby Lye?
• Why is it the Jewish "holocaust" that gets all the historical attention? Why no love for the Armenian Genocide? Speaking of, am I wrong in thinking that the worst thing about the Armenian Genocide is that the Kardashians’ ancestors survived?
• What’s the deal with oppressive African regimes? They give their women cliterectomies to deprive them of carnal joy. I don’t think that’s gonna work unless they give them a shoppingerectomy. Am I right? Don't answer that, it was rhetorical and your opinions are universally invalid. Because you're a woman.
• My brother always used to tell me that I should exercise more. He told me that if I run I'll be healthier and in better shape. But then he went to run the Boston Marathon, and now he doesn't even have a leg left to stand on. Diabetes is a terrible disease.
Also did you know that victims of sexual molestation sometimes suffer from a condition called arrested development, where their mental development stops at the age they were assaulted? I was wondering if that means that mentally I’m 4? 6, 8, 12, 15, 15, 15, 15, 15 years old?
I like to work hard, play harder, and fuck hardest.
Bonus points if you have a septum ring because it tells me that you're nothing more than a cow that craves to be controlled and you know it.
Ps. Please don't message me if you smoke cigars. If I wanted to kiss someone who smells like my grandpa I'd drive to the graveyard and dig him up.