Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Welcome to thunderdome, bitch. I'm all man. And not a Renaissance
man either - a Dark Ages man. I'm gonna give you da plague, girl.
I'm a real, strong, powerful, badass motherfucker -literally. I've
probably already fucked your mother. Don't worry, it was
consensual, and I have the signed affidavit to prove it. Sidenote:
I'm a Notary.
If you don't like Alpha Males, don't worry, because I'm not one -
I'm the guy shooting alphas from a plane - which is legal because
I'm permitted by the Alaskan Fish and Wildlife Service, and I've
got a bounty to collect. Sawing off wolf heads isn't as easy as it
sounds, but it's all worth it when I see Sarah Palin's glowing face
when I mount them around her bedroom and she fingers herself using
their blood as lubricant (She says she's able to absorb the wolf's
ancient power that way but I think all she's absorbing is wolf
I'm so manly I make Jon Hamm look like John Waters - and I don't
mean by comparison - I mean I once ran down Jon Hamm like a dog,
tackled him, knocked him unconscious with my cock, and then through
the creative and precise use of professional quality prosthetics
and make up I made him look indistinguishable from John Waters.
Dead fucking ringer. Then I forced him to be John Waters for a 6
month period last year while I kept the real John Waters in my
basement (This explains why there was such a long fucking time in
between seasons of Mad Men).
This is all 100% true. Allegedly.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I'm also truly a big cat trainer, like Barnum or Bailey, or Roy.
But alive and not all fucked up. And to those guys I'm superior,
like the lake but greater. You may ask, "what makes you so much
better than them?" and I'll probably answer, "some combination of
nature and nurture - of socialization and genetics." Then you may
ask, "why do you feel the need to be such a pedantic twat"? And
I'll answer, "the question mark should be placed immediately after
'twat' and before the closing quotation mark."
You may also ask, "aren't you worried you'll get your ass maimed
like Roy, of Siegfried and Roy fame?" and I'll reply to that with,
"stop asking so many fucking questions." The real answer is because
I'm just that good. I don't require sequins or tassels or cod
pieces or whatever other bullshit bells and whistles Roy had. All I
require are my wits and the knowledge that it's kill or be killed.
Why won't a tiger plunge his three inch canines into my neck,
severing my cervical vertebrae and jugular, and drag me off stage
to begin devouring me alive as I'm screaming bloody murder? Because
if I even see a hint of aggro intent through my otherworldly
intuition I'll dispose of him in a pre-emptive and brutal manner.
Like Vince Foster.
I've done it before and I'll do it again. You haven't heard about
all of these executions (self defense) I've committed because I
know how to cover my tracks, like a world class old school Indian
tracker. But sober. Go Washington Redskins.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
A better essay topic would be, "what aren't I good at?" (Just an
FYI, OkCupid.) But that isn't the question, so I suppose it would
be fitting to begin with, "coming up with good essay topics for a
dating website." We've already established that I make like a
Microsoft spreadsheet application and Excel at this, so why beat a
dead horse? I actually did beat a dead horse once, but that's a
story for another time. (Spoiler alert: They rescinded my USDA
permits, revoked my contract for that petting zoo, gave me a
restraining order effective for any equine animals and required me
to pay for all of those damaged kids' therapy indefinitely.)
Speaking of stories, while most pictures are worth a thousand
words, I'm such an incredible photographer that mine are worth a
million. In fact, incredible is an understatement. When it comes to
lighting, composition, choice of subject, color, it doesn't even
matter - I can take a photo of a literal piece of shit (like Chris
Brown) with an LG camera flip phone from 2006, completely ignore
all of the technical details and come out with a work of art of
such astounding beauty that it would make Ansel Adams rise from the
dead and eat Annie Leibovitz alive. What I just wrote doesn't make
any sense. But. art. doesn't. have. to.
Some people will say I'm the greatest living stand up comedian, and
those people would be right. Here's a little insight for the
aspiring comics: there's only one way to reach the goal of becoming
the world's best living stand up comedian and that's murder. Lots
of murder. So I'd suggest doing that.
Other people will say "Pryor's the greatest comedian of all time,
living or dead" but what those people don't know is that I was the
one who did Richard Pryor: Live on the Sunset Strip. I did it in
blackface. #thefrowasreal. It wasn't even on the Sunset Strip, it
was on a soundstage in Hollywood and Kubrick was an amazing
director to work with. If you're wondering where the real Pryor was
I had built a ring of fire around him and he stayed in the middle
of it willingly as a result of his obvious aversion to the
That wasn't even my greatest performance. Last week I put together
a show so brilliant, a set so killer that the NFL has dedicated an
entire season to curing it.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
When I ask people this question the usual response I get is muffled
screams. So that?
You may have heard that the Seattle Seahawks football stadium
recently broke the record for loudest sound ever produced by human
voices, but what they don't tell you is who set the previous
record: me. I did it one morning when I was awoken by my own
screams from the night terrors which involved reliving memories of
all the pain I've regretfully failed to inflict. (There's only so
much time in the day.)
They also notice that I look like a combination of latter years
Roger Ebert and Michael Jackson, only with a chin and a nose. You
do the math. And then do my nails. I just want you to know that
cheap jokes based on racist stereotypes aren't what drive me.
Asians are, because I have a death wish.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
The only good book is the Good Book. It
has everything: incest, murder, rape, whores, irony, hypocrisy. Why
read anything else? Maybe this country was built upon the
bible. Bible bible y'all!
Movies jumped the shark when they added audio.
Name one good talkie besides Gremlins 2. You can't do it, can you?
No, you can't, so don't even bother trying. If you message me and
try to submit another competitor for talkies worth a damn, I'll not
only delete the message immediately, I'll report you to Xenu,
supreme leader of the Galactic Confederacy for being a waste of a
perfectly good thetan. If I had to pick the scariest movie I know
I'd go with Look Who's Coming to Dinner, and the movie with the
most heart warming ending is Birth of a Nation.
Shows? Just one favorite show: Cats. End of
Music is all just redundant, repetitive tripe,
ripping off redundant repetitive tripe from earlier eras. Take the
Beatles for example: Guitar, bass, singing, drums? Suck my dick,
George Harrison's cancer riddled ghost. The only music I listen to
is Gregorian Chants, and I certainly don't listen to mp3's or cd's
of it, as the degradation of the recording and shallowness of the
sound quality is infuriating. I'll only listen to actual monks
singing it. Harmony: overrated. Rhythm: no thank you.
Instrumentation: you must be fucking kidding me. I won't listen to
anything that took more than a larynx and some lungs to produce.
(Ease off on the tongue already.) Oh and fuck falsetto; nuts off or
shut off. Innovation is the worst thing human beings have conjured
up in our relatively short existence - narrowly edging out nuclear
weapons and Nicole Ritchie.
I don't eat food. Water, protein powder, and 36
different vitamins and minerals blended into a shake is all I need.
I inject it directly into the hearts of my victims. And then I
don't even eat their hearts, because I'm a rascal!
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
• My Black and Decker LCS120 20V Lithium Cordless Chain Saw (I
couldn't choose just 6, and this one is necessary in order to
provide me with the other 6)
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
• I hope in the near future, scientists discover that fake
mustaches cause terminal cancer.
• Disney should make a princess with no hair so every little girl
that is fighting cancer can feel beautiful. Then they should kill
her, as a sort of pop quiz on mortality to begin preparing them for
the final exam that is their own impending demise.
• I'm gonna train my next dog to fight. I'll name her Chocolate,
because yeah, she’ll be sweet to me, but she’ll kill other
• Names for new birth control pills. I'm taking a poll on which is
best: Sudden Infant Death System, Embryonic Destruction Device,
Unwanted Fetus Savager or Baby Lye?
• Why is it the Jewish "holocaust" that gets all the historical
attention? Why no love for the Armenian Genocide? Speaking of, am I
wrong in thinking that the worst thing about the Armenian Genocide
is that the Kardashians’ ancestors survived?
• What’s the deal with oppressive African regimes? They give their
women cliterectomies to deprive them of carnal joy. I
don’t think that’s gonna work unless they give them a
shoppingerectomy. Am I right? Don't answer that, it was
rhetorical and your opinions are universally invalid. Because
you're a woman.
• My brother always used to tell me that I should exercise more. He
told me that if I run I'll be healthier and in better shape. But
then he went to run the Boston Marathon, and now he doesn't even
have a leg left to stand on. Diabetes is a terrible disease.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I'm so against forced male circumcision I had a doctor add extra
discarded foreskins to me. It looks like Frankenstein's little
monster down there. With bolts and everything. FIRE BAD.
Also did you know that victims of sexual molestation sometimes
suffer from a condition called arrested development, where their
mental development stops at the age they were assaulted? I was
wondering if that means that mentally I’m 4? 6, 8, 12, 15, 15, 15,
15, 15 years old?
I like to work hard, play harder, and fuck hardest.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
If you have low self esteem, but are objectively physically
attractive - I'm talking at least a 9.5 - and not on the Richter
scale, ladies, but on the attractiveness scale (Like trainers at
Sea World, I'm not about to get wet with Shamu any time soon.
Thanks OSHA). Be prepared to start recognizing me as
the guiding beacon in your life, because no matter
what was important to you before, it will no longer be. I will be
your lighthouse, and I will collapse on you, smothering you to
death in the process. But at least your burial place will be on
ocean front property, and let's be honest, that's more than you
Bonus points if you have a septum ring because it tells me that
you're nothing more than a cow that craves to be controlled and you
Ps. Please don't message me if you smoke cigars. If I wanted to
kiss someone who smells like my grandpa I'd drive to the graveyard
and dig him up.
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