If you don't like Alpha Males, don't worry, because I'm not one - I'm the guy shooting alphas from a plane - which is legal because I'm permitted by the Alaskan Fish and Wildlife Service, and I've got a bounty to collect. Sawing off wolf heads isn't as easy as it sounds, but it's all worth it when I see Sarah Palin's glowing face when I mount them around her bedroom and she fingers herself using their blood as lubricant (She says she's able to absorb the wolf's ancient power that way but I think all she's absorbing is wolf AIDS).
I'm so manly I make Jon Hamm look like John Waters - and I don't mean by comparison - I mean I once ran down Jon Hamm like a dog, tackled him, knocked him unconscious with my cock, and then through the creative and precise use of professional prosthetics and make up I made him look indistinguishable from John Waters. Dead fucking ringer. Then I forced him to be John Waters for a 6 month period last year while I kept the real John Waters in my basement (This explains why there was such a long fucking time in between seasons of Mad Men).
This is all 100% true. Allegedly.