These days I have my heart set on dating a virgin. And by virgin, I
mean non-alcoholic. Moderation, dudes..moderation.
--You're excitable/enthusiastic. I've met way too many people that
are very blase about living in this great city. I didn't move 2200
miles to get a crash-course on how/why to hate Austin.
--You're affectionate. I'm needy when it comes to that (and a
sucker for the small stuff).
--The idea of buildering (gaining access into tall buildings, and
sneaking up to their rooftops to drink/watch the sunset/sunrise)
sounds amazing to you.
--You know how to slack-line and want to teach me
--You're spontaneous!!!! No, really. This is a make or
--You're a good tipper. Nothing is more of a turnoff than someone
that doesn't appreciate customer service.
--You make jaywalking an art form
--You made it through my profile in all its grandeur.....and you
laughed at my dumb humor at least once.
--You think you could make me laugh at your dumb humor at least
--You're not on here just to find a bed buddy. SERIOUSLY....Don't
approach me with an inappropriate sexual advance on IM or email.
Don't do it. No.
HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF HOW NOT TO MESSAGE ME: (these are taken
straight from my inbox...and every single one was an opening
message)...I just recently decided to include the profile
names/links beside them. (I got tired of them living in pervert
anonymity.) Some of these go way back before I thought of adding
the usernames, so those are lost forever. Either way, enjoy. Or
1. I'd let u mug me.
2. You have a beautiful vagina. (note: there are no pics of my
vagina. Don't look for them)
3. You are attractive and I haven't had sex in forever. eyewtkas800
4. Do you fuck on the first date? Yummmy. Mmmmmmmm!!! s0l04life
5. Ever consider modelling?
6. I would ruin you. n8rough
7. Do you have a nice butt?
8. Would it be inappropriate to ask if you enjoy nine-inch long
cocks? (to anyone that may be wondering the same....yes...it is
8. Your profile makes me wanna cook ramen noodles. (that isn't
creepy...just strange) dainjaman
9. I wish I could get on my knees and lick and kiss your inner
10. Holy spankable cuteness, You are hot!!!
11. Give me an hour with your boobies. Tripper 176
12. I would loooove to cum up from behind you and slip myself into
u and feel ur asscheeks against my abdomen as I press into you from
behind. Mmmm. Yumm. That would be hot. (My response: "does this
approach ever work for you?")His reply: I just want to fuck the
shit out of you. scrabbilities
13. have you had any luck of meeting anyone thatyou liked or liked
you from this site you seem like a real picky bitch, oh of course
unless theirs somethin init for you and by something i mean awhole
lot. (Don't worry...I don't get it either...and yes, it is a direct
side note: he wrote this after he tried to convert me to
14. Your friend is hot. What's her number? (I agree, she is
15. The zionists aren't even bacon! (if anybody can tell me what
the hell that means...)
16. I got some sick thoughts looking at your pics.
17. Wanna rate my cock? Sean19911991
18. you masterbating...mmmm....love to see that. kis989
19. Does penis szie matter to you? Ur the one who said masterbate.
So ur the skank. Suck my cokc hoe. U fat pig. Ur mama sucked my
cock so good. sporty1111
he recently changed his name
think as often as y'all masturbate, you'd learn how to spell
20. I'm a fellow fan of masturbation. Interested in some sexy
webcam fun? nimbusx
(hey...at least he spelled it correctly)
21. Interesting profile since you talk about masterbation. Just
curious if you use your fingers or a toy or a man's tongue? (my
response: "I also talk about perverts..and dedicated an entire
section to their creepy one-liners. ")..his reply: and that makes
you one since you talk about masterbating and waear a bikini
desperit to look hot. You sound as slutty as Bristol Palen (my
response: "you should be desperate to go back to school...And it's
Palin, you fucktard.") stormchaser_82
22. hello baby how are you do i my name is johnson i stay in cario
in egpyt i like to know you if you can be my best friend so will
can a best life if you like dat 475534
23. I am seeking a babydoll, slave girl, sub, for play, short term
or long term. I do like to play the master or daddy role, but not
set on any one thing as ive learned every girl prefers something
different. I have a very creative sexual mind. Im into BDSM,
JAPANESE ROPE BONDAGE, FUCKING MACHINES AND teaching a lady to
SQUIRT. I love to teach someone new things. I can be as nasty as u
desire, rough and hard on you as u desire. I can be romantic also.
I can make u my lil babydoll and spoil u take u shopping and show u
off. Or make u my dirty nasty lil cum loving slut. I can keep your
bratty lil ass in line and punish u or reward you. (this is just a
small excerpt from the message he left) mastertim52
....and then a few weeks
later, he left another..."Hi i saw yor profile & liked what i
saw & read. Im going to keep it short and sweet cause i didnt
want to do a copy and paste. Im 38, love shopping. Into most bdsm,
fucking machines etc, look at my profile if you like what you read
look me up mastertim52 on yahoo messenger"...I'm pretty sure he
didn't read my profile, or else he would've noticed his spot on the
Wall O' Pervs. ...and YET AGAIN (for the 3rd time)....he messaged
me, but has changed his name to RNGolfer52
24. So does....alcohol usually get your panties droppin'? wellhungNCstud
would've guessed by the name that he'd be a gentleman.
25. there is no need to "fight" sobriety!!! if you desire TRUE
RECOVERY, then just SURRENDER. Surrender is one of the spiritual
principles contained in the 1st step. (this was kinda cute/sweet,
but it's just a name, y'all. I'm no junkie.)
26. Nice legs. I'd like to have them rapped around me. Iamairin
27. hey hows it goin your into bondage thats awome how do i add u
as a freind tsfheyu121
(???please tell me if there is
any part of my profile that may suggest I enjoy bondage)
28. You are the first thing to enter my mind in the morning and the
last thing to leave my heart at night.
Sounds strange and flattering I guess…? Waiting to hear from
you....Let's talk. nishan_elendran
(this was his first
and only message
29. Ghost in the reeds. roxafox3
30. hi...do u actualy like sex? or are u another tease? adventure3555
31. I have unearthed the ancient scrolls you speak of in your
profile. But alas I am outside your stated age range. Perhaps a
waiver of the rules? auscfan
(this was sent AFTER I wrote the
disclaimer. Way after).
32. you are full of shit,tipical repoblican. romanticj
Yeah...my profile just SCREAMS
33. Does penis size matter? I say it does not , but I have a very
big penis so Iam a por jugde. I wish it were true..for the love of
god MAN...LOL your hot just whanted to try and makr you luagh take
34. You could stop a train with a body like that. I wish I could
play with you in my hot tub !!! Bigcreep
Hey, at least he's self
35. would you kick my balls?? bustmyballs43
36. i would love to find out what your twat tastes like blackkaimanent
37. let me lick it pls. you wanna lick me? (i said "please stop")
you drive me HORNY. your responsible for making me HORNY. How often
you have sex? don't aggravate my penis by showing such pic's.
38. How is it going Ante very beautiful and I would like shed tears
as soon as the work of the fiercest Blouses played in my telephone
Aldniphma Contact Contact Now 206-446-**** I imagine he paid a
hilarious translator to write his sexy-time letters.
39. Miss, do you like submissive boys? craftycarrot
40. You r supah sex! Will you sit on my face? cosmiccharlie84
41. hey baby u r sexii and do u have a verizon phone danr3623
(compliments now come
with a free commercial)
42. "Heya toots. What is the scent of your feet at present? "(me:
"feta cheese") "sweaty girl feet are sexy" (me: "ok...u can stop
now".) Ah fuck u then. Go count your dick. 4113n
I'm a little lost as to how I would
count my "dick"...(singular). But curious as to what kind of person
would like feta feet, I looked at his profile and was COMPLETELY
SURPRISED to find that he's into gaming. Yes way. So I thanked him
for becoming my latest addition and he thanked me for failing at
life. A toe humper... thanked ME... for failing at life.
43. I wanna be kissing your feet you so fine! Damn. adamiguess
(i guess this is
44. I wonder howe you look when you have sex. nickissbbw
(it's a girl)
45. Sassy FIT Bi SURFER Dude here, HI i'd love to chat TJTorrmay
(you'd think that
if ANYTHING, he'd all-caps the "Bi" part)
46. when is the last time a guy went balls deep on you? keak_da_sneak
as fast as I could get his name up here, he deleted his
47. so looking for a fuck buddy by chance? want to take a young
mans virginity...hit me back strikr9
48. My fav conversation...just because this guy was a goddamn
sex-monster: you are to smart for me
fightnsobriety:toO smart...and yes, I am.
sex-monster:lol did you know that most self made men have less then
high school education!
sex-monster: and most collage grades work for them?
sex-monster:lol did you know einstine used to crap his pants... how
smart is that?
fightnsobriety:I don't know who einstine is.
sex-monster:and Henery Ford only had third grade education?
sex-monster:oh boy you are a smart one huh
sex-monster:but at least you can spell ... right!
fightnsobriety:And I don't know what a collage grade is...or who
Henery Ford is
^^ don't feel bad for him, guys. Look at his name. And if you don't
see why the thread is funny, chances are we won't get along.
49. Hi how are you? I'd like to try the fuckmachine. Is it
50. whats up sexy dam u looking good do u date black men if not im
sorry to bother u. nice_looking_br
51. bob- your some twisted in head broad huh
me- you're a highschool drop-out, huh?
bob- yeah and its amazing my IQ is 50 pts higher then yours go
me- higher thAn yours.
bob- can you say murder haha
cuase i like to slice your fat throat haHA fatheadbob
wowwwww.....who knew scholars were so aggressive!!!
52. I like reading, history, theatre, movies, kids, etc. I think
you sound nice, silly, and you are hot too. I want to get to know
you and be intimate with you soon. I am hoping for a LTR. Kisses.
this went from
informative to flattering (kinda) to creepy in 2.3 seconds
53. can i ask you something personal? are you submissive in
me: you're my mother's age
would be more fitting
54. I have a few questions for you: 1. what dress size are u ?
2.what size bra do u wear? 3.what kind of panties do u wear like
boyshorts or thongs ? 4.your vagina do u shave it or wax it or just
leave it? 5. would you describe your vagina as being tight lets say
1 is super tight and 10 is pretty big where would u rate your
vagina? 6. do you like having your breasts massaged licked and
sucked on? 7. how many men have u had sex with ? 8. if we were
having oral sex and i wanted to cum in your mouth and for you to
swallow it would you ? 9. sex up to twice a day every day ?
55. hard no to notice the mention of cunnilingus, your lengthy
missive notwithstanding. i'd be delighted to jump on a plane, meet
you in a romantic spot, enjoy strawberries dipped in chocolate, a
bottle of champagne, and i hope reciprocal oral; nothing quite like
the extraordinary and exquisite intimacy of cunnilingus.warm
56.I like working on licking all around the clit area and gently
licking and sucking, pulling back on the mons area to expose the
lips and clit as it swells..then sliding finger in and up to
stimulate the GSPOT...is this how I make her squirt??? Please help
Is it sad that I had
to google "mons"?
57. This is an oldie that was lost in my inbox (I think he's long
since deleted his profile, but it still merits recognition: First
let me say i am very oral you might say i am an oral freak... i
would love for you to sit on a my face with a vibrator and
masterbate as i lick your holes and you squirm shiver laugh and
cum.. I love purchasing sex toys ... I have bought toys that are a
inexpensive to toys that are VERY EXPENSIVE and sexual medical
devices.You get what you pay for in most cases.. I guess one of my
fetishes are watching a woman cum or reach orgasm. multiple times..
--As of a few months ago, I've realized that my profile lights up
like a debaucherous christmas tree when creeps do their keyword
searches....case in point:
58. so how many girls have you taught to squirt? boilermaker18
59. im a prisoner will you flash me? dytone
60. What are your thoughts on shower sex?? Good clean fun, or not
so much? 1gr8gy2
61. Hi.I had a wonderful girlfriend who could orgasm and
squirt,which is very hard to find....at least I have only been with
one girl who has done that.
62. sweety cn i lik ur vaginaaaaaaa
62. hey sup uw anna have some fun? do u have a webcam? i have one
we can video chat..id love to see what u got hidding over
there;)..if u don't have a webcam, we can seend each other some
risque pics;)..i can send first;) let me know which way u want it
63. give me a chance , your sexy and your pics. get it going for
me, come to hood river or. and kiteboard with me snowboardings over
64. hey sexy lady u lookin for a good time ? i can give it to u
and u know u would luv it gimmie ur # sweet lips and will talk
he's a repeat offender.
65. If you are interested in a exclusively sex meeting with me, let
me know. 206-61*-**** kamisma
66. hello. sex?? mltattoo
No need for formalities, I
67. hi...nice to meet you...you like masturb.,..i want to be your
partner. thank you. Rudi_pay
68. nice bikini bod i want to fuck it i bet ur pussy is nice and
wet just waiting for this 7 inch dick to penetrate yhou deep.
69. like to be hog-tied. buffalotx
70. i'm to bold?
can I start masturbating too cum in your pussy deeply
you seem shy?
i'd like to fuck you so deep
as you scream fuck me in my ass
to be cont.?
am i in you mmmmmm
your just not fun
we're adults please?
you naked yet
your panties off? whightnight
^^this was a string of IMs I had when I logged on. For reals.... he
carried on this conversation all by himself.
71. can i lick the ashes from your soul?
72. Can we masturbate together on the telephone? I'd love to hear
your voice when you cum! Please get back to me - thanks! piho_taco
73. To funny! I love how stupid us guys can be! --i won't link his
profile, because he was trying to be nice....It's just the irony
that made me giggle.
74. yumm vaseline and mastrbation yumm and goo thing i like about
your profile is youa re bold about it cute_cute_s
75. Hey gorgeous ;). I'm into kink, experimentation, dirty talk and
naked pics. How do you fancy it? ;) tizza1394
76. you are so hot, the bathing suit pic gives me a stiff one.
girl, you are an angel. When do you wanna go out?? I'll make time,
I'm never too busy for you sweet babe ;) eddyclayton
77. sorry for sending rude message,,,but i really wan fuck u
badly..i like u so much...
with luv, amy jo amyjohot
I don't know why, but I read that
in Arnold Schwarzenegger's voice.
78. I big teddy bear who is into bdsm. brittishtea
79. are you afraid of any thing not me i hope i like you , dan
I like this
one because he called me dan
80. hi.. awesome boobs dear jim4u_
81. How are you fighting soberiety!?!?..and why dont you just come
smoke some bomb ass crystal, get horny ass hell..and i'll fuck the
hell..out of you! beezybutter
Wish I was there with u
As u read n reply to messages I sneak up behind u
Kissable neck . Would u be able to concentrate ?
Prisoners may want more than a flash lol let me help u there
83. I want to see you use your fingers toys whatever as I make my
hand sticky godschosen
84. hi im Dakota you like sex alot cool and hot pics 123dakota
85. Ok...I love that you are into fiddling yourself (did you really
admit that in the profile?) TheGrandMe
86. i am online now and if you have time i would like to talk you
there...i think we have a many things to do it together if you
understund what i mean..i am wait you there...your fhoto is very
sexy and hot!!! michalis1977
87. i wanna see your pussy :) boramersin
88.hello! i am Tim from Austria. i am an online slave. do you want
to use me ? :) slatimm14
89. Do you find sex is better when you where high or sober.??
90. Hey! Interested in some naughty chat this evening? I have a
deep sexy voice and a great imagination! ihavecome
91. Have pics if you are really open to hooking up. Can email or
txt. 6ft. 165lbs. 8inch cock. Blondish. Hazel. Beard. allthosetimes80
92.Ok here goes I am fat trying to get healthier. Your a very
intelligent young lady. I hope I don't insult you, but I was
looking for a slave dom relationship. Where you would be my key
holder Would you be interested in that sort of lifestyle? Sorry if
I offended you. P.s. Bob Ross is the shit. wonderboy1330
93. I bet you have nice perky tits...and I beg to differ in the
comment that they would never be appreciated more than that day . I
think ur winded but your sexy and honest. I think you would be a
good friend maybe lover? Derek dnice543ya
Note: this list keeps growing. Check in for weekly updates.
Ok, now that that's out of the way, Hi, I'm Theresa; LET'S
Are we already at second base?..This feels like second base.
TL;DR I'm rad and you want to get to know me.