Issuing supreme power to you...one moment.

My self-summary Propose an edit

Earnest, candid, honest, and direct -- but not rudely so, for reasonable values of "rude" -- I actually care about things, sometimes too much. I value trust and mature, reciprocative dealings. I'm rational and thoughtful, but also plenty emotional: I see many sides of things and with distinct empathy. I can be a rock or an ocean. I can be at once bitter and/or sarcastic (generally playfully) as well as the most caring and kind hearted. I fall amusingly out of touch with common culture, and have little skill in small-talk, which means I want to talk about something, not that I won't talk easily. I don't care for make-up, but I use grammar, spelling, AND capital letters (more personal hygiene than make-up). I'm open to many things, but my decisions are not all unmade. I can reconsider, but I don't really argue for fun. I value quality, but not pretense. I try not to look down on things just because they don't follow what I want (although some things demand derision). I still pick at things that undermine what I value, especially when pointlessly so. I'm low key, but still passionate. Friendship and dating don't have hard boundaries with me: I can handle a friendship/intimate relationship, and I consider friends commitments, so "dating" is more just labeling something as going well. Callings seem to include programming (but not enamored by technology) and teaching. Forests and mountains beat cities, though cities do have tastier restaurants, and a larger hope for kindred spirits, or at least activity friends. I don't seem to want to just be--I need to do, to make. Hope keeps me alive. Literally.

I am a gamer, but I stand far from the obsessive or obnoxious prototypes and have no real interest in gambling. I interact with people directly: they are neither tools to explore a fantasy nor are they dumping grounds for trivia. I enjoy doing things with people because I enjoy people enjoying things and games provide more interesting situations with opposition. I also like sharing the things I enjoy, and I know how to teach and deal with the inexperienced so they feel involved. I don't teach people to play games just to squish them, and I don't play by alternating between doing nothing and wiping the floor with them. I try to keep things interesting. My video games and board games (mostly European games, wargames, and such strategic fare) are carefully chosen for things I value: Poker, Pictionary, and Trivial Pursuit will not be found here.

Similarly, I value role playing games for making interesting characters, doing interesting things, and building stories. RPGs--the pen and paper kind, not computer RPGs or LARP--are good for people less satisfied by just taking things in, but they still usually get played by people who want to kill things and take their stuff, or those who just glory in themselves. This also makes it difficult to find much opportunity to play.

I also like Japanese animation (anime), and when I say that, I mean good anime and not the insipid stuff or the tentacle-/bimbo-heavy genres (redundant, but worth noting). There is probably too much bad anime out there for mentioning this interest to be as helpful as I'd like. So it goes. Also, just because I like a fair bit of anime does not mean I am a Japanophile. I rarely favor things just for their relation to something else I like, except perhaps people.

I enjoy being outside, walking/hiking around pretty places and taking pictures, although left to myself I don't get out too much. I would probably enjoy other such things, like maybe kayaking. Biking and skating are fun ways to get around.

So. I am decidedly not for everyone. Yet, someone might want to know me because I am a rare caring and emotionally available individual, mature and irreverent, flawed and accepting, intense and authentic, interesting and attentive, searching and reaching... I've been told a number of times that no one's really like I am, which confuses me because, well, there I am.

I've dealt with severe depression for a long time now, and both improvement and fortune come fleetingly, something I accept about my life. Sometimes the losses come particularly harshly, and even as resilient as I am, it can be difficult to mask properly (especially, I've found, while e-mailing and attempting to be personal). That said, it has been less obvious of late, and I am thankful for the respite and always work towards keeping it like that; I just think it important to mention.

Myers-Brigs-Jung tests call me an INFJ which has some accuracy, if you care about that. Some say I am practically dead even on the F/T, J/P, and I/E axes; others skew me way, *way* towards I and N as well as being pretty far into the F and J. The latter claim better testing, but it's hard to tell which has the less horridly invalid world-view projecting questions. The "best type for you" test says I want an INFJ, which I suspect as pretty accurate, because I consider the best judge for myself to be how I would feel as my own friend/partner, and I don't accept being someone I wouldn't want. That leads to who I am, and I'm definitely not the type to view my own flaws more harshly in someone else. Rather, I enjoy teaming up.

I long for those who can stand steadily by the void in my soul--who can say truly, "I know you. You are welcome here." I imagine someone like me will appreciate that I can and will return the favor. Even so, each new friend to share favorite games, stories, or ideas enriches my life, even the ones that can't really know me. So it goes.

What I'm doing with my life Propose an edit

Persevering. More specifically, for the moment, hating computers and the software industry. Looking for ways to change that (both the industry and what I am doing), and other things. Savoring the companionship I find, especially my dear mate and our Love. Seeking -- in myself, in the world.

I'm really good at Propose an edit

Knowing myself. Seeing possibilities. Extrapolating and filling in. Lending support. Sharing. Hugging. Entertaining conflicting views. Extracting cores. Slicing to the center of things. Unifying. Weathering. Opening. Listening and hearing, in many ways. Complexity. Love.

I'm not, however, good at life in this world, wonder, or even always functioning. I'm getting by still, and it surely helped develop some of the better qualities, but package deal and all...

The first thing(s) people usually notice about me Propose an edit

They don't: my natural ninja skills are apparently so advanced that I can stand right at the counter at some shop and they will go to the person after me.

After asking a rare person that did notice me offline: apparently my "nerdish charm" and that I "seem smart and disaffected" are my front line items, so far. Eh, could be worse.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food Propose an edit

Favorites (and anti-favorites) make good ways to learn about people. Here are a few for me:

Authors/Books Roger Zelazny (Amber), Guy Gavriel Kay (Fionavar Tapestry), Nathaniel Hawthorne (Twice-Told Tales), Percy Bysshe Shelley, Edgar Allan Poe, Robin Hobb (Liveship Traders), Elizabeth Boyer, Walter Jon Williams (Aristoi), C.S. Friedman (Black Sun Rising), Greg Bear (Songs of Earth and Power), Edward Gorey (The Gashlycrumb Tinies). Yeah, so I read mostly fantasy/sci-fi--at least it's more interesting than here. I hate the pseudo-word "blog" and am none too fond of what it entails either. The popularity of Harry Potter makes me sad.

Movies The Dark Crystal, Ladyhawke, Time Bandits, Highlander, The Brotherhood of the Wolf, Brazil, Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail, The Great Race, Big Trouble in Little China, Some Kind of Wonderful, Tron, Hero, Pirates of the Carribean (first only), The Princess Bride, The Incredibles. I still don't see why people fawn over Clerks and its ilk, and shocking as this may be, one can find Kill Bill weak and unlikable without falling under the "didn't get it" excuse blanket.

Music Loreena McKennitt, Clannad, David Arkenstone, Cusco, Mannheim Steamroller, Rasa, Krishna Das, Pink Floyd, Queensryche, Harry Chapin, Dmitry Shostakovitch, Anton Dvorak, Bela Bartok, Igor Stravinsky... I enjoy music much, especially Celtic, New Age, and Classical. Overly loud, pounding, thrashing, or piercing things bother me, often even physically so. I have good, sensitive hearing. I wonder sometimes if I'm the only one left.

Foods Thai, Indian, Mexican (pref. Tex-Mex), Chinese, Italian (apologies to all those cultures for making them food keywords :). I should probably also mention potatoes specifically: I'm known to order potatoes with potatoes. I dislike Sushi on principle and have always found Buffalo wings reeking with nastiness. I'm no more against eating animals than animals are, although I do prefer them in more unrecognizeable forms, and I tend away from red meat. We should be past our cruel ways of getting meat--growing it in vats, rather than mangling creatures--and I look forward to that day. I also dislike alcohol, coffee, and rarely drink soda, and don't feed me some line about things being an aquired taste just because you can't grasp how noxious they are to me.

Anime The Five Star Stories, Laputa, Nausicaa, X, His and Her Circumstances, Vampire Princess Miyu (the OAVs), Ranma 1/2, Patlabor, Memories, Angel Sanctuary, Crest of the Stars, Haibane-Renmei, Kino's Journey, Escaflowne. Distasteful: Those Who Hunt Elves, Overfiend, Dragon Ball Z, and oh so much more.

Games Board/Card games: Tigris and Euphrates, Carcassonne, Age of Steam, El Grande, Die Macher, Glory to Rome, Tichu, Indonesia, Friedrich, Sword of Rome, Tikal/Java, Doppelkopf, Durak. RPG: Ars Magica, Earthdawn. Video Games: Soul Calibur, Virtual On, Total Annihilation, Kohan: Ahriman's Gift. I don't go for live-action RPG (LARP), and computer RPGs are a travesty, especially the online (MMO) variety. They seem to have stopped making much in the way of video games for me as the popularity tipped over from fringe.

TV The Daily Show, Doctor Who (old, not new), Venture Brothers, Monty Python, Kids in the Hall, Red Dwarf, The Tick, The Maxx, Duckman, Frisky Dingo. TV generally just fills me with loathing. So does much of American content. What the heck, I'll throw in some ugly specifics here too, to make sure I've properly alienated everyone (not that I want/like that specifically--it's just, why do people get so into things that just feel awful to me?): Buffy, X-Files, Farscape, Lexx, Law and Order (and all the rest of those), Battlestar Galactica, Alias, every "reality" show, King of the Hill, sitcoms, gameshows, "news" programs, sports programs...

Yeah, I'm a curmudgeon. Shocking, that. I also don't describe myself or things I like/do using derivatives of "geek," "nerd" or "dork" -- especially as verbs. That trend has been almost as annoying as "blogging" and "podcasting". Useless, desperate words.

The six things I could never do without Propose an edit

A notebook, my cats (who fortunately can't read, so they don't know I just called them 'things'), a computer carrying the accumulated knowledge and art of civilization, hope (which might as well be a thing for all the effort I spend manufacturing it), emotional connection, and engaging interests. You might think I could take notes with the computer and forget the book, eh? I used to list pain here, but have reached a place where it isn't a constant companion.

You'd also think that pointing out we can--and do--easily do without these would be irritatingly unnecessary. C'mon people, don't live in such tiny, literal boxes: communication means both minds bridging the gaps to share meanings.

I spend a lot of time thinking about Propose an edit

Everything. Sometimes that's good, sometimes less so.

For example: I wonder how people can be so desperate for new/outside groups/reinforcement that paganism looks useful (What does religion offer that doesn't come as easily from simply being part of the world and touching others? Is it just the greater pandering to the self?). I wonder why people put holes/doodads in themselves just to make a statement (What statement? "I stick things in myself to make a statement." ... Yes, congratulations.). I wonder why people don't see that "extreme" things implies never "enough." I wonder why women let the fashion industry exist, especially when it seems trying to make them look like horrifically painted little boys, and similarly, why women wear low-hip stuff when it destroys so many of their beautiful curved lines--so much beauty lost for a little more skin. I wonder how power/violation gets so intrinsicly tied into some people that they go for BDSM, when there are already such deeply savorable depths in pleasure (probably the "extreme" again). I wonder how people's vision narrows to the confinement of a "scene." I wonder why, when I come to such things, I never feel as others do--and if someday that would change merely from loneliness. I've wondered why I should stay in this world when it doesn't want me so. I wonder if a true female counterpart to me would ever be lonely enough to fill out these amazingly ill-conceived questions and "tests." Well, I don't wonder about that one so much as pretend it could happen. I spend a lot of thinking-time manufacturing hope too, I suppose. As I said, hope is important. I think about how I can break and overcome my negative traits, how I can free myself from my chains, and where/how I can find/create meaning in this world.

On a typical Friday night I am Propose an edit

Not treating it terribly differently from other nights, which are not particularly patterned. Possibly prepping something for the group I game with on Saturdays, or just repacking what I typically bring to fit better or include something new.

Now, if it's Saturday, then I'm probably at Zaxby's on Tennessee St making sure there are boardgames and cardgames getting played by whoever shows up looking for them. If you'd like more details or would prefer to meet people fewer at a time first, then just let me know and it will be arranged.

The most private thing I'm willing to admit here Propose an edit

I'm not especially private about things. It matters little what people think of me as long as they see me accurately. Sadly most people don't deal well with most things, so I don't exactly broadcast either: I'm there if anyone wants to look.

I favor polyamory: the idea that responsible, committed multi-partner relationships are not just possible, but well worth the effort. Personally, I feel that the monogamous world-view is, while a nice simplification, generally more an unfortunate and insecure denial of people's value. Real connections to people are rare and very important to me -- I couldn't see limiting someone else's finding them just because I like their attention. Realistically speaking, my mate (Vrimj) and I have an open relationship and we figure things out as opportunities arise... SynFresa has proven quite the opportunity for us so far, and multi-partner figuring is a happy necessity.

You should message me if Propose an edit

Statistically speaking, you probably shouldn't (and my sampling so far supports that... I never did like statistics), but then reading this far is apparently statistically unlikely anyway, so maybe that's out of the way. I can hope you realize it doesn't all have to match to be friendly with someone, and that you find enough here to be worth some time. Just because I'm "available" doesn't mean you need to be, or that's the only angle for contact. That said, from the perspective of partnering, I Seek:

Not a cookie cutter person, but a kindred spirit. Someone with whom to build our own twisted castles in the sky -- and maybe one or two that touch the ground if we can find a high enough spot. Not a drone, and independent enough that the being independent itself isn't important either. That is, neither convention nor unconvention drive your choices (although convention may sometimes have a time tested value). "Hip" and fashion live by the herd, for or against. Preferably, herding annoys you.

You are intelligent enough that you aren't impressed with your intelligence. You actively and by choice think, and will talk and write with (that's "with," not "at") me about this world and others. You enjoy sarcasm, irony, and a bitter wit tempered by genuine caring (because I have those in spades). You are not content with a stunted attention span and prefer things of an engaging nature.

You have more interest in books than in bars or clubbing, and know that music is made to be heard, not felt jarring bones. You likely don't get much from watching sports either, but might be passably athletic, and perhaps have some interest in martial arts, or occasional biking or rollerblading. At least, walking in a park or hiking some trail should be welcome. Maybe you can teach me to be someone who dances, at least when we are alone.

You can understand that the severe clinical depression I generally suffer from has hindered me doing much of what I want--or hope--to do, and places many unwelcome burdens on me. I simply will never be a happy all the time, easily amused type. You might have some similar problems of your own, which I would gladly accept and help you endure in turn. I really mean that too. That seems only fair, after all, but also is something I am genuinely pretty able to deal with--more so than many. Not that I am just seeking someone to fix, but I know the loneliness of hurting, and it's important to me to take the opportunities to break such isolation in others, as I wished others might have done for me. I live as I feel the world ought to be. I can teach you to trust; bring me your broken dreams. I can weather your despair; come and know safety. Have a wonderful life? I'll cheer you on (well, quietly).

You can put up with occasional rants about how everything moves away from what I value about it, and similar wishing for redeemable attributes in the world. We probably help each other not to care about what the rest of the world does with itself (or we can figure out how to change it).

You don't have to have a deep interest in computers, but I doubt it's really good for me to suppress all computer related conversations, so it would be best if you could care about my concerns. You also don't have to feel a similar need to make things, but you do need to take part in, or have some interest in, my projects, because my own interest is not generally enough for me to actually work (sad but true). This does not mean you need to (or should) feed my ego (or anything like that--ever): just care and be interested. I need that. I hope you can let me find what you need. I can do things for others that I cannot for myself.

Preferably someone in my area, but finding someone really like me outweighs degrees of separation. I may move again soon anyway, and where is rather up in the air: somewhere pretty and not New York (I know, NYC has everything. I don't want everything, especially packaged as NYC). The Pacific Northwest looks like the current target region.

Someone who realizes that these answers take effort and time for both our benefits, rather than "just spouting off" or other such projected self-aggrandizing: it's lengthy because I've tried to produce what needs to be here to connect and to draw out certian kinds of people, not because I love typing (or myself). Really, you hardly need to be all these things either. If you are or would want to be many of them, then we should at least try contact...

Tests He's Taken View all