I am often alone. Not that I am not in good company, but speaking my mind and upsetting people I don't wish to upset is a constant fear of mine. I will not speak out against a person. This in turn gives me a feeling like I'm less in control of my life, which causes me to act out recklessly.
I find it a struggle to engage a person romantically. Not that there is anything wrong with the other person, but I am in constant fear of having to try and relearn somebody and changing who I am again. I wont really talk to any of the people I see on here, because I have a set definition being within the realms of a persons social circle. If you do whats popular, chances are my way of thinking is alien, and a pain in the ass to learn.
I am constantly tired. I have recently been promoted at my job, and because of this I am mentally exhausted and distrustful of everybody. I have very dark rings under my eyes, and I find that the only way I can sleep at night is if I turn all the lights off, and watch my alarm clock and see how long I can lay down without moving.
Socially, I am boring. I hang out with the same two friends, do the same things, and go back to my job. If they can't hang out, I watch a bunch of clouds I painted. If I do hang out with my other friends, my conversations will either be random, work, or random facts I have learned. Not that these topics are interesting, it's all that I can really speak of.
As far as how I think and feel, it isn't very constant. When I speak to a person, I will pick a word out of a sentence and find some lyrics in my head from some of the music I know, and hum the song. When it comes to thinking of serious things, I will do just the same. Generally my internal dialogues are me putting myself down. Which is fine by me, I am a defeatist, and I have no lofty goals. I just want a place to live by myself.
My relationship with my family is very complicated. My mother is dead, and my father was deported (I recently got back in contact with him). My mother's extended family has little communication with me. My father's side is trying more. I am one of six children, and I only speak to my older brother, and my twenty year old brother. They are far more diverse than I am, and they have a stronger grasp as what they want out of life in every aspect. Romance, career, living. You name it, they know. They are gifted, and I will admit that they seem much brighter than me. Which is fine.
If you got to the end of this, I would really like a message from you, be it you telling me off for my quitting attitude, or whatever spelling errors I have made. I didn't double check any of this. Which is fine by me.