I once made a 200 mile round trip across international borders just
to buy some rashers.
I once broke into a fairly famous artist's apartment and used his
fancy high-tech Japanese toilet. I also drank quite a lot of his
I once kissed a gay man who claimed to be a former lover of Francis
Bacon whilst wearing a false moustache. The moustache fell off half
way through, though, so the jig may have been up.
EDIT: HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THIS WAS THE GUY! I SHIT YOU NOT!
I once developed a physical dependency on caffeine. Had to go cold
turkey for a while, but me and coffee are all good again now and no
longer pathologically co-dependent.
I once had a job which involved me sewing a large sack, putting on
a tyvek suit, climbing into the aforementioned sack, being given a
breathing tube, being hoisted up on a forklift, having the sack
sprayed with expanding polyurethane foam and then being cut out of
the sack. The foam-covered sack became an art. It's in a gallery in
I once brought a snorkel to an orgy. It was only a small orgy,
though. Technically the smallest orgy possible.
The long-term goal of my work is to create the seeds of alternative
civic infrastructures that will eventually displace the state.
Though mostly I get paid to make civil servants write things on
post-it notes (shh. Don't tell them about my quasi-seditious
Today I bought a bitchin' pair of rollerskates in a second hand
shop which I then had a go on in the park. A small child there was
also on rollerskates, but doing a far, far better job of it than
me. I cannot convey the look of utter contempt and disgust that
child gave me.