Just having a little look-see around this virtual Argos catalogue of boys for the moment, thank you.

Yes, yes, I know I've no photo. I'm neither circus fat, nor do I have any major facial deformities. I have my reasons... Ooh, mysterious...

Edit: I put up the above pictures mostly for the horror that the mouse over would inspire. Guess it contradicts the facial deformities bit.

I once made a 200 mile round trip across international borders just to buy some rashers.

I once broke into a fairly famous artist's apartment and used his fancy high-tech Japanese toilet. I also drank quite a lot of his whiskey.

I once kissed a gay man who claimed to be a former lover of Francis Bacon whilst wearing a false moustache. The moustache fell off half way through, though, so the jig may have been up.

I once developed a physical dependency on caffeine. Had to go cold turkey for a while, but me and coffee are all good again now and no longer pathologically co-dependent.

I once had a job which involved me sewing a large sack, putting on a tyvek suit, climbing into the aforementioned sack, being given a breathing tube, being hoisted up on a forklift, having the sack sprayed with expanding polyurethane foam and then being cut out of the sack. The foam-covered sack became an art. It's in a gallery in Mexico now.

That I'm drunk. And where did I get that armadillo?

I'm not half as clever as either I or other people think I am.

You shouldn't. You really shouldn't.