can you ever get 100% complete on your profile?

In Zion National Park (Utah) you can get pretty good AT&T reception whilst in the Watchman Campground. Yes, I was checking up on okc from my iphone.

Also, I've made the startling discovery that audiobooks make long driving trips much better. I listened to a cheesy but entertaining Star Wars novel and "Speaker for the Dead" by Orson Scott Card.

Top 3 Animals from the Trip:
1. Chipmunks
2. Praying Mantis
3. Night-Wolf Spider (their eyes twinkle like diamonds when you shine a flashlight on them)

Am I the only one that's confused by bisexuality? I could probably read a book on it, but I thought the numerous bisexuals might educate me here on the okc. Hey, I just realized that okc is only one letter away from oc just like good is only one letter away from god. Not that that means anything.

I had an apocalyptic dream last night. Talk about high anxiety. First there was some kind of plague / demon infestation. What happened was Demons would come out and kill the fat people first but they were becoming less and less discriminatory. I ended up in some kind of bunker / hospital where a lot of people had a mysterious illness. I remember getting out of town and seeing that same hospital explode, ostensibly from an atomic bomb. Then there was the part of the birds-eye view of the car I was driving while a T-Rex chased me. It restarted at that point with me back at the hospital / bunker. I knew what was going to happen (the A-bomb) so I was scrambling to get supplies and clothing to survive in the wilderness. But I never got to the car, the dream ended there.

Yup, I'm sure there's some interpretation there; probably something to do with job stress and impending feelings of doom. That and an irrational fear of becoming fat and lazy. Bleh.

really, don't. this is just going to be a sob-story about how I have 3 years clean and yet still hate myself sometimes. it's why no one can ever love me.

the current uncomfortable situation is that I'm doing a job for a client and it hasn't gone exactly as planned. I've been yelled at for shit that wasn't my fault. I called the client today and left a message saying how I want to do the best job possible but yelling at me isn't ok. he called back outlining what we need to do to fix the remaining problems (over the weekend, of course) and acknowledged, but didn't comment on, my concern with the yelling-thing. God damnit. I wanted him to blow up and tell me I lost the job and he'll get someone else to do his work. fuck.

Now, the problem is the e-mail isn't working. Yes, I could work my ass off to jury-rig something or we can all wait for the new equipment to come in on tuesday that will fix the entirety of the problem. I don't know. Is that another boundary I should put up? I've already put in over 10 hours of overtime. Could I really just say "No, I'm not going to do anymore work until tuesday". Is that being unreasonable? I don't think it is but the people-pleaser is screaming to just do everything possible so this client doesn't get angry again. That fucking side of me doesn't want to acknowledge that I actually stood up to this guy.

just saw the object of my desire being fondled by one of my housemates. and here I thought she was into me. oh, and my bike was stolen. fuck you world.

Had a dream last night that has been weighing on my conscience all day. It was quite a weird dream where me and random friends are out on some king of field trip. The dream flashes to another scene of the releasing of evil gods from these statues. The field trip is to a statue museum (I guess) with a wide range of statues from different cultures. Most of them represented different animals and were hand-held sized. I remember searching for an animal that would release a good god to fight the evil gods. I decided on a Lion as I think it is representative of the Jewish God (lion of judah). However, it seemed to be just a statue and I had no idea of how to summon a good god or even if the statue contained one.

Then, the really emotional part. At this point, my ex-girlfriend came up to me, took one look at the statue and told me, "You know that's never going to work." And then she just ran off to join up with other friends. I stood there, alone and confused. I don't remember anymore after that.

I think I did one good thing today. I signed up for a piano class at community college. One small step toward the dream of being a concert pianist.

Other than that, I started off the day hating myself for my lousy immune system. And to what purpose? None. None whatsoever. I e-mailed in sick. Went back to bed. You would think I'd play computer games all day but I actually tried to do some work from home. With the dizziness and nausea it was impossible.

Where's the kindness for myself?

Note: Skip to the 2nd paragraph if you just want the basics of how you can post your sage advice...

If you missed one of my updates to the "Most private thing I'm willing to admit" on my profile then you might not know that I'm a recovering addict. I'm also Bipolar. But the labels are just for ease of access. If I wanted to make it as simple as possible, which is very hard for me, I would describe my "illness" as follows. My brain structure, either through genetic or environmental causes, warps the perception of myself, others, and the world in general. Based on these perceptions, I behave in a manner at least 1 standard deviation from the norm when it comes to human behavior in american culture. See, that's the funny thing. If I was in a tribal culture, my warped perceptions may have qualified me as a shaman. Wow, that wasn't very simple at all. Do you see what I mean?

In other news, the real reason for this journal entry is with my current struggle of trying not to buy a computer game. Yes, I know that computer game addictions are a serious matter (e.g. World of Warcrack) but I'm still ashamed that this new game from the Canadian developer BioWare is making me feel like I'm fiending for a bottle of oxycodones.

For this study, I will begin by listing my rationalizations for buying Mass Effect:
1. The girl I was suppposed to go out with this weekend hasn't e-mailed me back since thursday.
2. I deserve a new game after working so hard these past months (in a new job).
3. It's made by developer whose games I have always enjoyed.
4. It's better than doing drugs.
5. It will be a healthy distraction from the hellish events I have been through in the past few months (grandma dying, dad's alcoholism, aunt's heart-attack).
6. I am allowed to feel pleasure.
7. This game isn't like Civ4 or World of Warcraft in that once I beat the game I'll stop playing it.

Now, some counter-rationalizations:
1. I'm only buying it because I feel lonely and rejected and a game will solve both of those problems temporarilly.
2. I'll feel ashamed for the hours I "waste" while playing the game.
3. It's no different than doing drugs because I get the same sense of "I'm a pathetic wretch that's trying to change his insides by using something that's outside".
4. I'm just being selfish by doing something for my own pleasure (even if it's not hurting others).
5. I'm deluding myself into believing that this game will be different and I won't feel any guilt or remorse for having purchased and played it.

Well, what do you think? Should I buy and play the game? Or should I do something else, something more "substantial"?

Not the person, the website that learns what you like in music. I'm not going to write much now because I got decked by the flu since yesterday and can't think very well. So don't expect too much from this journal, if anyone is reading it.

Right, so my grandmother died last night around 9:30pm. I never really got to know her. And by the time I had the chance she had dementia and wasn't really there. I've never lost a family member before, unless you count one of my dogs. So maybe the sadness will hit and maybe it won't, I don't know. Well, I do know that anyone dying kind of makes the pointless shit I do every day even more pointless. But not all of it. Like just now, when I was unloading the dishwasher, I felt good that I was doing something for others.

Ok, I had to take a break there and get some ibruprofen for my headache. Fuck, I can take the deliriousness and weakness, I just hate headaches. So while I was downstairs grabbing the ibe's I got some DVD's to watch: Police Academy, The Longest Day, and Fight Club. Guess which one I've seen the most?

Independance! Ha! What an illusion that is. Yeah, yeah, independance is more of a celebration of our nation's splitting off from the British empire. I know.

Speaking of independance, I am spending the holiday at my parent's lake-house in the middle of the mojave desert. It's this place in California called Helendale, it's near Victorville. It's got that small-town feel except for the fact that it's only existed for the last 30 years. But I digress.

What I wanted to write about was my mother. My mother is my model for God. Simple as that. So when I came home with my dad after playing golf this morning, she was asking questions like "How was the game" and "Did you like the course" and "What about the golf cart" etc. etc. Now, it may have had something to do with the fact that I'm not used to the high desert and was feeling fatigued, but I literally wanted to punch her just because she was asking these questions. I know, this probably has to do with how whenever I came home as a kid I was always questioned with "Where have you been" or "Do you know what time it is" or "Why would you do something like that!?!" etc. etc. It's funny how I can generalize like that. Ok, so the moral of the story is that I don't have to answer these questions. And if I do, I don't have to be afraid if I just say, "Hey, you know, I feel kinda weird right now, I'm going to go lay down for awhile". But still I felt guilt that I wasn't the perfect son who was enthusiastic about any family interactions. I won't even get into the seperation anxiety that my mother is still projecting onto her offspring.

Ok, Scott, take a deep breath. It's gonna be ok.