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gentlehumor

69 M Berkeley, CA

My Details

Last Online
Today – 9:06pm
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
White
Height
5′ 7″ (1.70m)
Body Type
Average
Diet
Mostly vegetarian
Smokes
No
Drinks
Socially
Drugs
Never
Religion
Buddhism, and somewhat serious about it
Sign
Cancer, and it matters a lot
Education
Graduated from masters program
Job
Retired
Income
Rather not say
Relationship Status
Single
Relationship Type
Offspring
Doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t want any
Pets
Likes dogs and likes cats
Speaks
English (Fluently)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Thank you for visiting my profile. Next time I will have some tea and cake ready -- or something alcoholic if you prefer.

_____ Why did I choose Gentlehumor as my member name

I easily see the comic-tragedy in life. I am a comedian with a good sense of humor. I have to be careful how I use my sense of humor. When I use my humor wisely, I entertain and give people another way of looking at a difficult situation. Humor can explore situations that are very difficult to look at head on.

I strive not to denigrate any one or group with my humor. Sometimes when I want to blurt out something that I see as funny, I stop and ask myself, do the people around me need and want a joke right now. This goes along with the WAIT principle, Why Am I Talking. I stop myself from talking if I realize that I am trying to escape from my uncomfortable feelings.

Humor is like fire, it can warm and delight, or it can burn and destroy.

_____ Introduction

Looking for long term relationship; 5'7" 160lb born July 1944, Cancer (Master Astrologer since 1972 www.cosmic-imperative.com ), Wood Monkey, INFJ (Introverted Intuitive), Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) ; Financially and physically self-sustainable -- not looking for a nurse or purse, home owner in Southwest Berkeley; widower (wife of 9 years died April 2010); retired California State worker; good sense of humor and good listener; interested in and able to hike, walk, be sexually active; very intelligent, Masters Degree, Mensa, attend alanon, East Bay Meditation Center, Psychodrama training, believe a relationship is a union of two mature adults who want to share their lives rather than try to find a missing piece. I grew up in Brooklyn NY (Kings county), lived 16 years in Canada, and moved to California in 1988.

____ My understanding of love

True love resides in the mind-heart (eastern concept) -- the main "sex organs". Sex can enhance a relationship, but not be the foundation.

"Ever'thing there is but lovin' leaves a rust on yo' soul."
-- Langston Hughes

Love is like a cat, it goes where it pleases and pleases where it goes.

“Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. I use the word "love" here not merely in the personal sense but as a state of being, or a state of grace - not in the infantile American sense of being made happy but in the tough and universal sense of quest and daring and growth.”
― James Baldwin, The Fire Next Time

"Do you love me because I am beautiful, or am I beautiful because you love me?"
-- Cinderella
What I’m doing with my life
Retired from working for a California State Agency. I taught our office staff how to make their workstations safer and more comfortable (ergonomics). In addition, I taught staff how to use their computers more efficiently.

I have been taking psychodrama training for four (4) years. I'd like to combine it with astrology so clients could experience their chart.
I’m really good at
Listening and paying attention; picking up on ideas presented by others very quickly; being self aware, being of service, finding the beauty and comic-tragedy in life.
The first things people usually notice about me
My sense of humor -- a bit whimsical, but seldom denigrates anyone. Some women call me the cute old guy. I have a wide of variety of interests.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
"the soulmate secret" by arielle ford. Made me realize how important it is for me to make myself the man who would attract the mate I want. I can't find the right person until I am the right person.

"The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran has helped me through some difficult times. Rumi's "Guest House" also helped

Music: blues, jazz, new age, rock, classical, folk

Travel: Kyoto, Alaska, lived in Toronto, Canada 1968-1984

Museum art and sculpture with a good docent tour are a treat for me.

Food: Asian and vegan

Movies: Drama, Science Fiction, Rashomon, Romance

A hike in a local park with a friend is a special treat.

I Love a walk and talk with an intelligent, creative, and spontaneous woman.
The six things I could never do without
my curiosity
friends
movies
music
good food
my home
my spiritual path
I spend a lot of time thinking about
I spend time thinking about how to stay sane in an insane world, particularly the brave new world of online dating. What follows are my thoughts based on my experience and stories told to me by others.

===== Why do they appear suddenly, act interested and then disappear? =====

Many of us have had the experience of receiving an initial email from someone seeming very interested in getting to know us. This is followed by email exchanges, and often phone calls. The getting to know process seems to be going well, you are interested, they seem interested, and then suddenly they disappear and stop responding. What happened!?

Let's look at an analogy to understand this online dating behavior. The stories people tell about seeing a ghost often go this way. I woke in the middle of the night to see the ghost of (a departed loved one) standing at the foot of my bed. They started talking but I could not hear anything. The next thing I knew, they were standing right next to me on the side of the bed. I did not see them move. Shortly after that, they suddenly appeared at the window, again I did not see them move there. Then after a short time they disappeared.

For another similar behavior, let's look at how people report seeing UFO's. I was walking down a country lane when suddenly I saw a large round object above me with lights blinking. It was hovering just above me. Then, suddenly it appeared a few hundred feet to my right. I did not see it move. Next thing I knew, it was way in the distance before it disappeared. I never saw it move from A to B, it just appeared at the new location.

One theory about ghosts and UFO's is that they exist in another dimension. And, sometimes they pop into our dimension. That is why we don't see them moving from A to B. They go in and out of our dimension.

Well, online dating is another dimension, the cyber world. And, unfortunately some people have taken advantage of the license and power of this dimension to pop in and out at will into other people's lives.

I highly recommend the 1884 novella Flatland by Abbott for an entertaining and serious social commentary of class, other dimensions, and how we can only see what we believe is possible http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flatland

____ Pondering the advantages of anonymity of the cyber world

Oscar Wilde said “Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.”

===== Feeding the good wolf, how to keep sane and serene on online dating =====

An ancient Cherokee Shaman was pondering on the two wolves he had seen during his forest adventure that day, when one of his grandchildren came running up and reminded him it was time for the evening teaching. The old Cherokee ruffled the hair of his youngest grandson and said he was on his way. He knew the exact story he would tell that night. The wolves in the forest had been an omen.

The campfire was already burning brightly and all the youngsters were waiting with great anticipation to hear the wise words of their grandfather. Without any delay the old Cherokee Shaman began the lesson for his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me...It is a terrible fight, and it is between a pair of wolves.

One of the wolves represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, pride and superiority.

The other wolf stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

This same fight is going on inside of you and every other person too."

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee Shaman simply replied..."The wolf I feed."

-------------------

When I am mindful, aware, and accepting of what I am feeling I have a good chance of feeding the good wolf. Then if my actions are compassionate and wise, the good wolf gets well feed.

When I think and then act without paying attention to my intention, the bad wolf gets the first course. If I focus my protective and nurturing energy entirely on myself, the bad wolf gets the second course. When I leave the present and focus on the future (hope, fear, and anxiety) and the past (sadness and anger), the bad wolf really gets stuffed

I pay attention to my intention and expectation when I speak and think about difficult issues in my life. If I cannot say anything helpful, I want to be silent. I do believe we shape our lives by what we think and talk about.

My spiritual path is extremely important to me. It is not aligned with any particular religion, it's a mix of 12 step, humanist Judaism, Buddhism, Taoism, and pagan.

===== How to have fun and be safe on online dating

Take your time. Welcome to the brave new world of online dating. It can be a scary, brutal, and sometimes wonderful world. It may have many flaws, but it is one of the few places to meet potential partners in our isolating world.

No one is vetted on online dating sites. People can write anything they want about themselves, same goes for photos. To find that prince(ss) you have to kiss a lot of frogs -- well not actually kiss, more like emails and phone calls with an occasional meet and greet coffee date. People have different email/profile persona, telephone persona, and live persona. It takes a good year for most of the masks to drop.

Think very carefully about you want, what your INTENTION is. Word your profile so it reflects that. Many women over 50 have full lives and really do not want a relationship; a relationship requires you to make major changes in your life. It also demands compromise, adaption, and going beyond your comfort zone. If you are looking for an activity/travel companion, state that clearly in your profile.

To keep my sanity and serenity while using online dating, I enjoy what each encounter offers, staying present and limiting trips to the foreign land of the future (anxiety, fear, and hope) or that god forsaken land of the past where everyone is sad or angry. I go into a deep despair when I use online dating obsessively and compulsively looking for that perfect long term relationship.

In twelve step we say that expectations are guaranteed resentments. And, resentments are like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. So, I keep my expectations in check.

===== Lessons learned from online dating =====

We prefer the familiarity of our pain to the pain of the unfamiliar.

Perfect people are not real and real people are not perfect.

Whatever has a front has a back.

_____ Healing the wound

Many of us have come to online dating to heal a wound: we have lost our partner through death or separation. After my wife Tricia died in April 2010, I looked to online dating to find a woman to fill the missing piece in my life. I had lost part of my heart, soul, and mind. In my crazy wounded state I thought that I could fill the hole with a person and thus heal the wound. After a few months on online dating I realized that psychic wounds like physical wounds heal from the healthy cells in toward the damaged cells. Toward healing my psychic wound, this meant that I was able to heal myself by concentrating on the healthy cells: having fun with friends, taking care of myself, doing things that nurtured me. I realized that at best, online dating is a place to find someone to share my life with, not complete it or fill some gap.

_____ Values and goals vs. adjectives and activities

So many online dating profiles are lists of adjectives and activities the poster has and is looking for. Often it is hard to discern the character, values, and goals of the poster. Many posts read like the person is ordering a sandwich: I want the long roll, not the short one, add extra humor, no exotic fillings, add some confidence, but hold the arrogance, french bread yes, dark rye NO, ...

____ If you keep going in the same direction, you will get where you are headed

Many daters are looking for their soulmate, someone to click with and have chemistry with. The answer is to keep looking for that right person out there. Very few daters ask the question, "What am I doing to make myself the person who would attract the partner I seek?" Many people have been single with brief relationships sprinkled in for 10, 20, or 30 years. The problem is always the dating pool, never what they are doing or not doing.
On a typical Friday night I am
Watching a video at home (Netflix streaming); taking a meditation/yoga class at the East Bay Meditation Center
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I like intelligent strong willed women. I have learned over the years that two (2) conditions are necessary for a man to relate to a woman who has hitched her wagon to a star -- maybe one day I will figure out what the sufficient conditions are :)

1. He must be able to help her with something important in her life.
2. He must have a dream that he is passionately following, so she can trust that he truly understands her joys and sorrows as she follows her dream.

He must do both!!
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 50–70
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating
You should message me if
You fit my mother's dating advice, "Son, only date females of your species and who also call earth their home planet."

You understand the importance in a relating of: Keeping lines of communications open; Fighting fair without reverting to rage or withdrawing; Asserting yourself gently; Intelligence, well read, constantly learning more; The choice between creating a war or having giggle over a conflict; Compassion; Humor; Asking for what you want; Asking yourself, "What part did I play in this conflict?" STD (including genital Herpes) free; Walk at least a mile without any physical issues.

I learned from Tommy my recently departed cat that anytime is a good time for grooming or a nap.

===== You can appreciate the poem:

The Invitation by Oriah

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.