(Flash! This just in : "Iowa college says squirrel vandalized bicycle" More on this developing story:
"ESTHERVILLE, Iowa | A squirrel roaming a community college in northern Iowa has become the No. 1 suspect in a vandalized bicycle incident.
Officials at Iowa Lakes Community College in Estherville say the rodent chewed through two tires, a bicycle seat, a headlight and a taillight in the span of two days beginning Wednesday.
The bicycle owner, an associate math professor, reported the incidents to Estherville police. Another professor later came forward with a photo that shows the squirrel attacking the bike.
A school spokeswoman says the photo helps solve the mystery of how the bicycle was vandalized without witnesses seeing a suspect.
The professor has since parked his bicycle indoors."
Concerned citizens are asking whether it was a lone chewer, or whether other chewers may've been involved. Until a conspiracy has been ruled out members of the community are asked to stay indoors and report any suspicious chewing to the local authorities. The town is under Martial Law Lock Down from dusk to dawn. ESTHERVILLE residents have been ordered not to chew during the course of the investigation and to rely on Hamburger smoothies, steak shakes, Chicken slurpies, or fish floats. Oster Corp. has donated 5,000 blenders during the crisis to the besieged citizens of ESTHERVILLE. Chewing experts from FBI headquarters in Quantico Virgina have been called in. Initial investigations indicate some of the chewing was accomplished with untraceable dentures, which authorities say may prevent us from ever knowing the actual number of chewers involved.
The professor photographing the incident, and allegedly inciting the squirrel, has been arrested as an accessory after the fact, and for contributing to the delinquency of a squirrel! At this time it is not known whether the pair were in cahoots, alternately taking turns chewing the bicycle and photographing one another. So far the 2 have only been charged with class 1 felony chewing. The camera has been seized and is undergoing forensic examination for incriminating or exculpatory evidence. Further charges may be invoked if it can be established that this act was part of a broader conspiracy involving clandestine services of a foreign power.
Neo-con terrorism expert Moshe Zi Nizt from the Brookings Institute maintain that this incident has all the hallmarks of North Korean terrorism! He argues that Homeland Security should be called in immediately and that N. Korea should be bummed with tactical Chicken McNugget Mix, anti-personnel Bubble Gum, and conventional Pepsi for retaliation. Those Reds will finally be wiped off the face of the planet with SAD. [SAD = Standard American Diet] Also N. Korean Premiere Kim Jong should have his Xbox account deleted by Micro$oft and Zappos should cancel all of his orders for Elvis Platform shoes. He must be taught a lesson, America doesn't kid around! N. Korea obviously thought that by using chewing as a means of terrorism their connection to the incident would be obscured. We in America are not so stupid! Their objective was obviously to prevent the math professor from reaching class by destroying his tires, or failing that to cause hemorrhoids in the unsuspecting teacher by the friction of an IRREGULAR seat. Imagine Koreans trying to undermine the sanctity of American Mathematics and destroy the U.S. scientific edge in the world! I'm truly appalled! Apparently the Koreans aren't aware that we in the USA have massive stock PILES of Preparation H! Yankee ingenuity does it again!