Oh heck! 7th May 2012. You - photographer coming from west coast of US to celebrate Douglas Adams death day. Me - the idiot who watched in horror as her zombie disembodied finger pressed delete instead of reply. Jolly good.

Hello. The short story is - if our overall match is above 90% and I think you're cute then I will want to meet you and we will almost certainly get on. If it isn't, or you're not, then I won't and we won't. If you satisfy those two conditions then message me. If you don't then don't. Simple.

If I like the sound of your message I'll check out your profile (the first thing I look at is the photos I'm afraid. By the way - it's not that I think I'm Britain's next top model, but I'm not looking for anything serious so my major motivation for meeting is physical attraction and I happen to just really have a type - skinny white boys all the way for me). If I like the look of you I'll message back. If I don't message back then sorry and good luck to you. That's about it really!

I am married and in an open relationship with someone I adore. To clarify - I'm not polyamorous, by which I mean, I'm not looking to fall in love. But I do enjoy "meeting" other people.

I can play chess but you'll be able to just beat me, I can cook well, but I'm no chef etc. I took up running, but I'm really slow. (I ran the london marathon a couple of years ago but was passed by a 78 year old man dressed as Father Christmas who confided to me that he shouldn't really be doing it as he only got out of hospital for a prostate operation 4 weeks before - he told me that before he said "well, must be off" and sprinted into the distance).

(Oh, and I read really fast, but don't test me, I'll feel the need to prove myself and the page may burst into flames)

My summer hobby is flying trapeze (it's outdoors), it's the most terrifying and exhilerating thing I've ever done and I love it. I'm not really good at it yet but I'm getting better.

My hair. My pointy features (nice in cheekbones but who wants pointy eyebrows (apart from Ming the Merciless) and a nose you could cut cheese with?)

a) Books - too many to list, top fave - McCarthy's Bar or possibly Danny Wallace's Yes Man, but I get through 2 or 3 a week so I would be here forever. I'm not some brain of britain - I often have trouble getting to sleep and I read - and I speed read - so it's fast - at the expense of details - which is often annoying - since for example I can't read poetry - because I just focus on the bare bones of plot - and don't care about the fluff - which means I read in quite a stacatto way - and write that way apparently. b)films - again, way too many, my top fave would probably be the royal tenenbaums, but I have a lovely cineworld pass and go once or twice a week. c) music - damn, I sound like I have no time for work, but yes, loving anything really. I like clubbing but don't listen to that at home, velvet underground? sigur ross? puccini? nick drake? anything that's got a bittersweet edge. My favourite song of all time is "Sweet thing" by van morrison. I'm not a huge fan of the man but the song is just - oh - there are no words to describe it. Writing about music is like dancing about food. d) foods - i bake, but I've lost a lot of weight recently so I'm not eating that much at the moment. I like chinese and don't particularly like indian. I blame this on my poverty stricken upbringing, we didn't have money for any of that fancy foreign food and I didn't eat a curry till I was 17, I feel it's like marmite - gotta start young. I'll eat anything with relish (or mayonnaise, ah ha, ah ha ha ha, bonk, oh, sorry) apart from bananas - which are satan's cock (they have a foreskin people - come on!).

my electric under-blanket, books, music/dancing, riding my vespa too fast, friends, my work which I gain immense pleasure from

Why I look different in every single photo I have. It's mild but not intentional deception. You'll have to print them all out on semi-transparent paper and then layer them one on top of each other and then squint. That's what I look like. If I was a movie star I would be played by a combination of Judy Greer, Mia Farrow, and a young Sissy Spacek. Huh. if you know who those people are that's actually a more accurate representation of me than my photos.

wishing I was at a ceilidh
(I'm just going to point out that this has been on my profile for 4
years now. No one has ever written and invited me to one. Ever. If you do, and it's in London, you have got yourself a date my friend.
You'll have to be good at skipping though! Are you good at
skipping? Are you?)

I'm not keen on admitting anything, it's a big can of worms.

I have the absolute worst memory of anyone you will ever meet. It's fun in a way because I can watch a film again and again and not know the ending. Imagine what I could have done with a memory! I could have ruled the world!!! Mwaa ha ha.

You are a straight (or bi) guy with a good sense of humour and interested in stuff, such as bread.

I'm actually pretty keen on meeting people in real life rather than just chatting on line - is that too scary? Back away now. I figure life's too short. Read my score on the OKcupid test "the playstation" - it's a pretty spot on description of my outlook - and makes me seem fabulous which of course means I consider it a highly reliable test with good internal and external validity.

I'm only really interested in chatting if the logistics make things a viable option, so London based and not living with parents/twelve housemates/a jealous dog would really be neat. So- note to people from Bangalore or Brussels and points in between - thanks but no thanks.