• Highly experienced former full-time boyfriend with eclectic clientele
• Handsome, smart, charming. Also-- extremely modest
• Leverage background to identify potential lifelong or overnight soul mate
• Establish emotionally profitable strategic alliance together
• Prefer any body types, except oblong or trapezoidal
• Opportunities for rapid advancement optional
• Team player
• Creates culture of creative collaboration featuring all-night brainstorm sessions and out-of-the-box activities
• Will respect and trust women in a wide variety of fun and interesting situations
•Pretty good at magic tricks (seriously)
• Handled increasing levels of responsibility
• Delivered wide spectrum of personal services and met key performance metrics that contributed substantially to romantic bottom line
• Devised incentive policy to improve retention, lowering break-up rate in 2012 by estimated 32%
• Pioneered innovative concept of venturing beyond dating phase into facsimile of long-term commitment
• Garnered satisfactory results for all clients except two or three who should no longer even really count because, let's be honest, alcohol was involved
12/2012-Present: Freelance consultant
6/2012-12/2012: Alison, Chief Love Officer. Instrumental in managing her emotional turnaround, due largely to intensive three-month back-rub program, enabling her to overcome longstanding intimacy issues.
4/2011-5/2012: Rachel, Executive Vice Paramour. Received excellent performance reviews. Hired on interim basis while real boyfriend, Bradley, recovered from motorcycle accident in long-term rehabilitation facility.
4/2011-3/2012: Numerous side trips, detours, lost weekends and mistakes hardly worth mentioning at all except in the interest of full disclosure, due diligence and corporate transparency.
8/2008-10/2009: Dolores, Junior Associate Squeeze. Regularly applied problem-solving techniques, such as remembering all her birthdays and anniversaries. Twice spearheaded conversations about moving in together unprompted. Nearly earned tenure.
Oh, you bet.
Advanced canoodling, moonlit dinners in mid-afternoon, candlelit breakfasts at midnight, unlit lunches in midtown coffee shops, impersonations during orgasm.
Four-time winner of BEST BOYFRIEND FOR THE FIRST 15 MINUTES CONTEST (self-nominated).
Boyfriends Anonymous, American Society of Wannabe Stud Puppets.
Available on Request