Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
• Highly experienced former full-time boyfriend with eclectic
• Handsome, smart, charming. Also-- extremely modest
• Leverage background to identify potential lifelong or overnight
• Establish emotionally profitable strategic alliance
• Opportunities for rapid advancement optional
• Team player
•Remembers anniversaries and birthdays
• Creates culture of creative collaboration featuring all-night
brainstorm sessions and out-of-the-box activities
• Will respect and trust women in a wide variety of fun and
•Pretty good at magic tricks
• Handled increasing levels of responsibility
• Delivered wide spectrum of personal services and met key
performance metrics that contributed substantially to romantic
• Devised incentive policy to improve retention, lowering break-up
rate in 2012 by estimated 52%
• Pioneered innovative concept of venturing beyond dating phase
into facsimile of long-term commitment
• Garnered satisfactory results for all clients
12/2012-Present: Freelance consultant
6/2012-12/2012: Deborah, Chief Love Officer. Instrumental in
managing her emotional turnaround, due largely to intensive
three-month back-rub program, enabling her to overcome longstanding
4/2011-5/2012: Michelle, Executive Vice Paramour. Received
excellent performance reviews. Hired on interim basis while real
boyfriend, Bradley, recovered from motorcycle accident in long-term
4/2011-3/2012: Numerous side trips, detours, lost weekends and
mistakes hardly worth mentioning at all except in the interest of
full disclosure, due diligence and corporate transparency.
8/2008-10/2009: Amanda, Junior Associate Squeeze. Regularly applied
problem-solving techniques, such as remembering all her birthdays
and anniversaries. Twice spearheaded conversations about moving in
together unprompted. Nearly earned tenure.
Oh, you bet.
Advanced canoodling, moonlit dinners in mid-afternoon, candlelit
breakfasts at midnight, unlit lunches in midtown coffee shops,
impersonations during orgasm.
Four-time winner of BEST BOYFRIEND FOR THE FIRST 15 MINUTES CONTEST
Boyfriends Anonymous, American Society of Wannabe Stud
Available on Request
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I have a Ph.D. from Stanford University and I teach classes on
critical theory, media studies, and communication.
Also? I like board games. There, I said it. I know the section
about the most private thing comes later in the interview but
sometime you just have to be upfront about these things. :)
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Magic: Like David Blaine, not like Harry Potter. Actually, not just
*like* David Blaine. I can actually do that trick where he
levitates in the air. I figured I should tell the story that way
instead of just saying "I'm really good at: levitating." I also do
this card trick where your sitting on six cards, then twelve, then
fifteen and I never touch them. (I'm working on a version with
money. But, you know, so far no good...)
Teaching & Public Speaking: I can't think of a good joke about
this. So, I'll just tell a really, really terrible one instead
(wait for it ...)
I took the shell off my best racing snail to make him go
But it just made him sluggish :(
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My piercing blue eyes?
My rugged (yet oddly subdued) manly-ness?
The sense of peace and calm that just seems to surround everyone
The fact I'm levitating in the air??
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Well I love movies. Right now-- Film Noir. Love it. Also silent
movies, movies from the 1920's, anything in black and white. And
the Dark Crystal (just throwing that in there).
TV? Dr. Who. Breaking Bad. Orange is the New black. House of Card.
Anything on HBO
And if you have seen Wristcutters: A love Story-- we just became
I love to cook, and am pretty good at it (if, apparently, I do say
Books? Right now I am reading When the Killing Stops by T.C. Boyle.
. But this answer changes pretty frequently.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
1. Avocados (halved, seeded and peeled)
2. A lime (juiced)
3. Ground cumin
5.Roma tomatoes (seeded and diced)
6. A large bowl to mix, stir and serve in.
Six things and perfection has been achieved... wait, shoot, I
usually put in some cilantro. Six is impossible.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Doing something awesome, like, riding bears and flying kites. But,
sometimes I settle for just reading a good book when all the bear
riding gets too intense.
Spoiler alert: the book is about effective bear riding.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I can make raptor claws with my hands. I make a good dinosaur face.
I can also do a ptreodatcly screech and so does my brother and we
tend to do it in moments of boredom or just randomly when there is
too much quiet. I was once asked in an interview “if you were any
animal that you think would in some way match who you are, what
animals would you be?" Immediately I answered,
"I would be a velociraptor because they’re ferocious, fit, work
well as a team, and don’t back down." Strangely, I didn’t get that
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
1. You’re seeking a man—I’m seeking a woman (destiny!!)
2. You don’t have a car. –I do!! (and it has four wheels and
everything). Note: Also OK to message me if you do have a
3. You love animals! So do I!—I use to have a cat, Smokey, but she
passed away six years ago. I could never get another cat. She was
my best friend :( But, if you let me, I could be friends with your
cat:) (Note: Dogs are also OK. Rabbits are a gray area.Do not EVEN
get me started on Gerbils.)
4. You don’t do drugs. Neither do I! Unless you considering
watching back to back episodes of “Breaking Bad” as a drug. In that
case, than I guess I kinda do?
5. You don't hate children. Neither do I! In fact, I still
sometimes watch cartoons and eat cereal. Coincidence??
6. You believe that dinosaurs actually existed. ‘cause they totally
did. And, they're awesome.
In other words, just send me a message. Don't worry. I don't use
cliche jokes about biting people.
Unless you want me to--
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