I just discovered that OKC deleted all of my old journal entries without notice, and am quite pissed about it.

Media ignorance bothers me. Well, all ignorance bothers me, especially my own, but this especially. It long has when it comes to anime; people assume a whole medium to be a specific genre, in this case over-the-top sci-fi/fantasy. This blinds people to whole ranges of style and subject matter and often creates a bias that is misguided and culturally destructive.

Even more bothersome and disturbing to me of late is the assumption of certain art forms to be solely for children. Specifically, many people assume that video games and animation are "kids' stuff" and therefore both "not for adults" and, more problematically, "okay for child viewing". Thus people blindly let their children watch and play works intended solely for adults, and often get mad when they later realize the truth. Fortunately, contraversy over games like "Mortal Kombat", "Doom", and "Grand Theft Auto", and shows like "South Park" have helped erode this misconception. But then the idiot masses campaign to censor these things. We rightly have ratings systems for games, films, music, and television to guide parents in what is or is not appropriate and often what specific content the work contains, but using those would require actual parenting and paying attention. Apparently it's easier to just dumb everything down and control what everyone sees in order to allieviate any parental responsibility.

Then of course there are those parents who just let their kids watch whatever under the excuse that "they'll just see it at a friend's house". If that's the case, is it okay if their kids do heroin and prostitue themselves because that's what their friends do? Why not either talk to the friend's parents about not allowing certain shows/games/etc. while your child is visiting? Or insist that your child not go over to the friend's house, but rather have the friend come to yours where you can keep an eye on them! But again, these things would involve actual parenting.

Ironically, I think kids CAN be exposed to these things. Children come out of the womb more equipped to learn than they ever will be through the rest of their lives. Young minds are capable of much greater learning and understanding than we actually allow, but a paranoid desire to protect these innocents from the horrors of the world leads us to keep them ignorant until an age where they are less prepared and will have to deal with everything all at once. Once again, though, it comes down to parenting. A child is capable of seeing violence, sexuality, vulgarity, and inhumanity without being scarred or corrupted by them, but it requires the guiding presence of a parent to explain what is being seen and to discuss it in such a manner that they understand. I'm not saying you should show your toddlers porno and slaughterfests, but I believe that acclamating children to objectionable content in small doses can help them deal with it more responsibly and quickly. Our restrictions on what children are exposed to are of our own making--the universe will not abide by them. Those other children will bring in fragments of the world you shelter them from. Very interaction with anything will. How are they to understand why their friends parents don't live with each other, or why they have two mommies? How can they understand planes flying into skyscrapers or pop stars with skimpy clothing or why the people in their lives won't be there forever? They will understand if you don't wait to prepare them. Explaining early will provide the best defense, and moreover, allow them to grow earlier....

We grow from our adversity, but we can also grow from the adversity of others. Even others who aren't real. Art is often the product of pain, and anything with a narrative will tell the tale of someone facing adversity. Such things enrich us because they allow us to grow from suffering that we experience without the consequences of it actually happening to us. But such art is often violent, vulgar, contraversial, or obscene. If you experience it with your child and explain and discuss it, though, isn't it possible for them to safely reap the benefits and learn lessons they may need to draw upon at any moment?

Maybe so. Maybe not. The bottom line is that such content is necessary, at the very least for adults. And whichever approach you choose, so is actually involving yourself as a parent.

So I went to a funeral yesterday...

I didn't know the woman who died-- my girlfriend did-- so I went to support her. In times past even the funeral of a complete stranger would upset me and move me to tears, but no more. A faith and serenity has developed in me that I lacked in the old days.

I felt happy for the deceased, in fact. I have been viewing the universe as God and ourselves as part of it, and in a weird fusion of Kabbalah and Sakaguchi think of human souls being a part of God, put through the experience of life to enrich them, both through our joy and our pain, before returning to the whole and adding their experiences to it. Knowing of such a death now, I think to myself "God just got better. The universe just incorporated her into its fabric and is now a more complete place." In the fullness of what we perceive as time this will result in some form of perfected God/Universe/whatever (Binah?), though given that linear time doesn't apply to such a thing, it both is and is not in that state. I think that makes more sense when you're stoned.

But it nonetheless means to me that we should not mourn the dead, as they have become something greater. The traditional view would be "in the presence of God", but I don't see it as being so disparate-- they become a part of God. We mourn because we feel their absence and we assume they feel ours, but as part of the universe/God they are with us now in a way never possible before, permeating all things. One might think of them taking on the role of a guardian angel, though again I would think it is more that their input now influences the universe in its course, which may now be more favorable to their loved ones, though as part of the whole they will doubtless understand the need for the living to endure strife, so that they might add richly to the whole. As for missing us, joining the whole would incorporate them back into a non-linear existence, and therefore place them in the company of all who have ever lived and ever shall-- even those who to us are still alive. I hope that makes sense.

Maybe this sounds fanatical or presumptuous, but it's the feeling I am currently left with from my experiences and introspection, and though I accept all possibilities, this one feels accurate.

In short, I advise that you do not grieve for the dead. Instead strive to read a rich life, filled with diverse experience, learning, and growth through your adversity, so that when you join them as part of the whole you will enrich them as much as possible.

These albums helped me through rough times in my life. Some of confusion, some of anger, but most of sadness and hopelessness. I hope these artists realize the power their music has to effect peoples' lives...

Björk "Debut"
Brandi Carlile s/t
The Cranberries "To The Faithful Departed"
The Cure "Galore"
Earthphish "Soft Green Exit"
Fiona Apple "Tidal"
Garbage s/t
Green Day "1,039/Smoothed Out Slappy Hours"
Guns N' Roses "Use Your Illusion II"
Hyde "Faith"
Jack Off Jill "Clear Hearts and Grey Flowers"
Jewel "Pieces of You"
K's Choice "10: 1993-2003 Ten Years Of"
Marilyn Manson "Antichrist Superstar"
Melissa Etheridge s/t
Morphine "Cure For Pain"
Morrissey "Ringleader of the Tormentors"
Nirvana "Unplugged In New York"
Our Lady Peace "Live"
Radiohead "OK Computer"
Self "Subliminal Plastic Motives"
Smashing Pumpkins "Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness"
Stabbing Westward "Darkest Days"
Violent Femmes s/t
X JAPAN "The Best of X JAPAN"

These are only thoughts, however matter-of-factly I state them...
I don't believe divorce reaches the heart. Many people who get married only do so in that they perform the ritual and share their lives; they do not actually marry that person in their heart. Few people who get divorced ever made such a spiritual commitment, and those who do no doubt are unable to remove the bond entirely-- they sever themselves from their spouse because of intellectual concerns but their feelings haven't changed.
Then there's the fool who so recklessly gives themself to another person without even the pretense of ceremonial marraige, and perhaps even more foolishly without a relationship. The devotion can't be erased, and if nothing comes of their love then they are left with an aching vow in their soul which festers from its invalidation and makes any other relationship feel almost like cheating.
In this way, marriage is not a uniform act and can be done by individuals, without the consent of those they marry. They aren't recognized as married by their spouse or soceity, but they have made the vow in their heart, a covenant with God if you prefer, and hopefully only do so if the more conventional definition is followed as well.
So we have chaos: people getting officially married who don't do it in their hearts, and people who marry others in their hearts without the reciprocation of their beloved. And of course, some that are half-and-half.
I would condemn such recklessness, even having been a culprit of the second variety myself, consoled only by the belief that those who divorce out of lack of love abandon only the less meaningful variety of marraige, putting an end to a lie, and that those who vow in their hearts foolishly, though they feel the ache of unrequited love, may still vow to others, shouldering a double burden but nonetheless remaining true to every pledge they can.
Weep for those who pledge their heart that cannot maintain their pledge of words-- it is a sad thing when the intricacies of our social rules and our mental differences strain the bonds of our spirits.

LISTENING TO: "1,039 Smoothed Out Slappy Hours" by Green Day. Now I love Lookout-era Green Day; it even got me through some of the roughest points of my life, especially 1998, but they really wore out the rhyming of "brain", "pain", and "insane", not that there was much worth to said rhyming anyway. But seriously-- play a drinking game with this album where you take a shot every time they rhyme 2 or 3 of those words and you will be dead by the time the disc is done. Still, great album. :P

NEWLY DISCOVERED AND DIGGING: playlist.com, thanks to seeing it on an OKC user's profile. I have since created a massively multi-genred playlist and linked it to my OKC and Facebook profiles. Now people who've never heard of the bands on my list can actually hear them with very little effort, should they be so curious as to want to.

THOUGHTS: I have long felt that the universe is all occupying the same point in space and time. If the big bang was the beginning of both space and time, then I perceive it is an expansion of a condensed universe into linear time and three dimensional space as we perceive it. But if such a point existed where all points in space and time occupied the same space, then they still do, given that time is not linear to that point.

It's not easy to picture since it's fourth dimensional, but dumb it down to 2 and you've got a flat circle that is how we perceive the universe. A 2D map of everything. Now make it a cone. As you move up the cone, time and space compress, until at it's apex all points in time and space are one. Perhaps then the idea of hyperspace and/or time travel is merely learning to move ourselves into a more condensed plane of existence, move a short distance, and then exit, having moved a massive distance.

What I really love about this idea is the possibility of bleed-through. If all points share the same space and time at the apex, perhaps one point can transfer to a different one in the expanded universe. A memory you have in the future bleeds into the same space it will be in your head but in the past-- then you get what we call deja vu. You have an idea that you tell no one, perhaps for a book or movie, and then someone else thousands of miles away realizes your vision. Perhaps there was crossover on or past the plane where your minds occupy the same space. Hell, spontaneous human combustion could be rationalized by the bleed through of a fire or star or something occupying the same space as a person. All kinds of things can be explained by this, though the more exotic may not be likely... perhaps the more distant the points in our time and space, the less likely they are to bleed-through; they only merge near the apex.
Maybe God is the apex. Maybe one can't connect all the dots of the universe together without becoming God. Maybe I sound stoned. Maybe this is why some people are drawn to one another.

Maybe I have too much time on my hands. :P

Wow, I just realized that I was going to wwrite about an idea I had about God that I've since realized as pertaining to the kabballah and the tree of life, but oh well. Maybe next time.

FAVORITE FOODS: Ham & Cheese Sub with Mayo, Grilled Chicken Caesar Salad
FAVORITE MIXED DRINK: Kamikaze, in drinking glass, heavy on lime & more triple sec than vodka
FAVORITE BEERS: Smirnoff Ice (yes, i know, not a beer), Sapporo, Kirin, Corona, Red Stripe, Amstel Light, Cider Jack (also not beer)
FAVORITE WINES: Sake, White Zinfandel
FAVORITE SEX POSITION: Girl on Top, facing me (aka "cowgirl")
FAVORITE CUDDLING POSITION: spooning facing up (ie- use me as a bed)
FAVORITE ACTORS: David Strathairn, Robet Downey Jr., John Tuturro
FAVORITE ACTRESSES: Jennifer Connolly, Jessica Alba, Mia Sara, Scarlet Johansen
FAVORITE SPORT: Blitzball (hey, I never said "real" sport)
FAVORITE SPORTS PLAYER: Ropp!
FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE: Sarku (mmmm, double meat teriyaki chicken)
FAVORITE BRAND OF SNEAKERS: New Balance
FAVORITE MUSICAL: does Dancer In The Dark count? maybe Avenue Q
MOST ATTRACTIVE IN A WOMAN, PHYSICALLY: nice smile
FAVORITE HISTORICAL PERIODS: Conquest of Mexico (~1520), French Revolution, Tokugawa and Meiji Japan, Three Kingdoms China
FAVORITE FEMALE PERIODS: None. Those are just terrible for everyone.
FAVORITE THINGS TO DO WITH FRIENDS: long trips, shopping (i am such a girl), seeing how much of an endless movie or tv marathon we can endure before we go insane from repitition and lack of sleep
FAVORITE PANTHEON: probably Norse, though gotta love that in polynesian myth their trickster god created the world
FAVORITE DESSERT: Chocolate Chip Cookies, soft n' chewy
FAVORITE ENERGY DRINK: Spike Shooter, Boo Koo, or Rockstar. Waiting for a large thirst quenching drink with low sugar (but not none) and tons of B12
FAVORITE YEAR OF MY LIFE: probably 2001 or 2002. 99-00 wasn't too bad.
FAVORITE PART OF MY OWN BODY, EXTERNALLY: my eyes
FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING: my homemade and Aardvark Inc.-made tee shirts
FAVORITE ARTICLE OF JEWELRY: my Lionheart pendant or Advent Children pendant
FAVORITE THING I'VE CREATED: either my intended webcomics or Avarice
FAVORITE COLLEGE: Sarah Lawrence College. I'd really like to enroll there someday.
FAVORITE WEBCOMIC: Cyanide & Happiness
FAVORITE CDs TO LISTEN TO WHEN CRYING: Brandi Carlile s/t, Radiohead "OK Computer", Stabbing Westward s/t, Jewel "Pieces of You"
FAVORITE LOVECRAFT STORY: The Cats of Ulthar
FAVORITE COLORS: purple, black
FAVORITE COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME: apparently writing long lists online. probably daydreaming of alternate lives
FAVORITE WEATHER: Sunny with moderate clouds, medium temperature, heavy breeze, no insects
FAVORITE PERSON TO GET MAD AT: Myself
FAVORITE THINGS ABOUT MYSELF: My imagination and my soul

Just got dumped. Via email. And while I understand the reason it's still a shot to the gut given that I was planning to move in with her this summer. Damn it all.

Pout.

I don't know why I'm posting on here. No where else to vent at the moment, I guess.

The following was my response to a fellow OKC user's question about my thoughts on the civil war. It felt like I should post it in my journal:

Years ago I realized that I would be pro-Confederate. Lincoln made slavery the issue to rally support from the large abolitionist population he ruled, and downplayed the opinions of those southern leaders who already supported ending slavery. Given a little more time the south would've ended it, anyway. The real issue was the economic slavery of the southern states and their desire for more independance. I look at the result of the war as the dominance of a monopoly. The whole idea of capitalism is that we'll develop better products and services with diverse companies doing things different ways, right? Wouldn't the same principle apply to states? With more freedom to decide their own laws, states would try wildly different things, and the successful policies would be copied by others. Also, independent industry and economy in each state would strengthen America as a whole against both attack and financial hardship. And furthermore, people who didn't like certain laws could move to another state where laws were different, without giving up American citizenship and rights. We see some of this now (some states allow gay marriage, Nevada allows prostitution, etc.), but still supressed by the overall authority of the federal government. I really think we might have been better off if the south had won.

In My CD Player: The Vincent Black Shadow "Fears In The Water" (great mix of 50's rock/swing style with some modern pop and gwen stefani sounding vocals. not to be confused with "Vincent Black Shadow" (no "The"), a garage punk-ish band.)

In My CD Player: Shpongle "Nothing Lasts... But Nothing Is Lost" (Awesome psybient noisy polyphonic stuttering music that I was introduced to by OKC's Afrykid. Excellent to drive to.)

What I'm Doing: Trying to focus. Must finish game touchups before devoting all energy to comics. Hating my medication. Makes me too sleepy.

Quote of the Day: "Life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person." (From Criminal Minds)

Thoughts:
Weird... no activity comments-wise on this blog, and then suddenly I got 27 comments on my last post within a few hours of its posting! Who are these people and how did they stumble across my entry?

I was going to put one of the big ones in here but they're hard too articulate and take too much time. Hmm, how 'bout my views on religion?

I was raised as an Episcopalean, with a bit of Catholicism in the beginning. I abandoned this in my senior year of high school due to qualms with the way God was running things, but I've since humbled myself and gotten over it. What keeps me from going back is a mix of agnosticism and personal belief.
I figure that if there's a God, it's either fair or unfair. If it's unfair, why should I worship it? If it's fair, why would it care if I worship it? It couldn't care about our religion, because it would be unfair to those who'd never been exposed to "the correct religion" or been raised to believe something different. I do believe that we are all instilled with a basic conscience, however suppressed by upbringing or mental defects, and it says to do right by others, help those you can help, don't kill rape or steal, and try to do what you believe is right, however wrong or right it might actually be. I think that is all God would care about. Following that conscience and trying to atone for any failures to do so.
I consider myself agnostic in that I try not to act on presumptions about God that I do not know to be true, but I do personally believe there is a God or some kind of conscious thought behind the universe. I've seen too many coincidences and minor miracles to believe it's all just blind mechanics of existence and butterfly effects.
So I do not practice religion. It's fine for other people, though personally I am uncomfortable participating. I have my own communion with God. I feel such a presence in the stirring of my conscience, and even talk to it at times (no I'm not schizophrenic-- it never talks back. not in words, anyway.). I don't need hymn and prayer to do that.