Crikey, I've been sent North for work. May not be around much. Sorry.

Hello, I’m Peter.

I am confident but not arrogant, I like looking after my health but don't obsess over the gym and I am ambitious but still have time for my loved ones.

That is, of course, all a lie. But it should tick the right boxes for a disturbing number of people.

In other news, I love reading and writing, but am not so keen on arithmetic. Something of a nerd (although tragically without the giant brain), I enjoy popular science books as well as biographies and history.

I like Eartha Kitt. Apparently the CIA had a file on her which described her as "A sadistic nymphomaniac whose escapades and loose morals were the talk of Paris".

And she was Catwoman too. Wow.

Finally, I don't really use this site to date. Mostly I just use the journal.

Mind you, the journal here is only a faded, feeble reflection of my real blog which contains extra features (approx 2 posts and a picture) not currently available on OK Cupid at juveniledementia.blogspot.com.

You don't have to visit, obviously, but if you're at a loose end, there it is.

I'm picking up work for some friends of mine at the moment. Nothing earth shattering, but it pays the bills for now. Also indulging in stand up comedy whenever possible.

Work-wise, I was a marketing manager for a while there (and yeah, Bill Hicks said that if you work in marketing you should kill yourself. But how do we know he said that? Because we bought the dvd right? After seeing it advertised... by someone who works in Marketing. I'm not sure of the significance of this, but it seems important.)

But then I got fed up with all that and called it quits. So now, bizarrely, a business analyst.

A what?

That's right, a business analyst. Now this is normally the point at which I enlighten you. Problem is, I'm really not sure what a business analyst is myself.

Please don't tell my boss.

UPDATE: I am no longer a business analyst (I think someone may have told my boss). I am now a freelance marketing and copywriting consultant.

Which means I work for myself. So now I've got a horrible boss and a slack employee.

I can shoot the wings off a fly at 100 metres.

Unfortunately, there's not much call for that in the working world, and I can't hit any other target for toffee.

I'm only kidding. I am actually prepared to shoot someone for toffee.

Mmm, toffee.

I can make a pretty mean omlette, although I am otherwise entirely incompetent in the kitchen (aside from toast. I'm great at toast) and I can ride a unicycle.

Not at the same time as making an omlette, that would be foolish and dangerous (I've only got to end up with 2nd degree burns once to learn my lesson, I'll tell you that).

That I am a complex, multi-faceted individual concealing a deep inner sadness.

Either that or the missing arm.

Book: I love books. The book I like to give people to impress them is Tibor Fischer's The Thought Gang, which is a funny, clever and gripping in equal measures as well as being obscure enough to make me look cool.

I have a weakness for popular science, although I can't pretend to always understand it and am currently reading Proust and the Squid, although I've only just started it and can't tell you how it is quite yet.

Movies: I love movies and will happily go and see anything at all in the cinema. Personal favourite films are many, but include The Princess Bride and Garden State.

Music: Unlike most people on this site and in the wider world in general, I am really not too bothered about music. I like to listen to it, but don't really follow anything in particular. I tend to listen to music my friends give me, with varying results.

Food: Anything cooked for me by someone else, especially if done with love.

Books. Pens. Humour. Toast. Marmite. Rocket Launcher. Mathematical ability.

The truth, whatever that may be.

Certainly it can't be found in newspapers, which seem to peddle opinion masquerading as news and facts.

Even more certainly not in magazines, in which 'Trisha and Carl were seen out on the town last night, sharing a kiss and a cuddle, causing onlookers to speculate that they both have a movie coming out soon.'

Religion is at least full of certainties, but I have yet to find any religious person capable of explaining why their truth is demonstrably more true than the truth offered by every other religion.

Which leaves us with the scientific method I guess. But let's face it, stuff like quantum theory is entirely baffling and, if anything, leaves you further from a sense of the true than you were when you started (or before your wave function collapsed, you might say).

So what is it? I have no idea.

I really should stop thinking about stuff like this.

I like kittens. Kittens are nice.

best avoided.

Sorry, we've only just met. Maybe when we know each other a little better.

OK, I'll give you this. I was once caught masturbating by a friend's mother when I was about 16 years old. I didn't tell a soul about this for years and years, until last year, when I used it in my very first stand up routine.

Apart from the fact that this night was also the first time the friend in question actually heard the story (ok, it was wrong, but it was funny too), I found that the experience of telling really took the sting out of what was for a long time a weighty, shameful memory.

And after that, everybody laughed and, in a strange way, I was free.

You're a fast-talking, hard drinking scientist who funds her research by modelling for Victoria's Secret at the weekends.

Also, if you could be very wealthy, foolishly generous and smell of fruit, that would be super.

Intelligence and good character vital.

If you're looking for 'nice', I'd suggest you save your time and effort. If you prefer 'interesting', then maybe we should talk.