If you're glancing over my profile, you'll notice it's quite long. I'm constantly adding, updating, or editing it. I don't expect everyone to take the time to read it in full. Truth is, I don't expect anyone to read it in its entirety.
I'm not looking for hook ups or one night stands. I don't want a girl I can just put on my arm and parade around, because she is pretty. I always enjoy meeting new people and chatting with strangers. I really enjoy swapping stories with people, and learning about their lives. I may unwittingly make some friends out of this site. My purpose here, however, is not of that nature . . . of course. This IS a dating site after all. right?
So, why would I divulge so much of my life so fast and publicly to a person that could potentially be that someone in my life forever?
The answer to that is simple.
Number one reason is this:
Throughout my lifetime I've noticed that there's one common interest that every person out there wants and needs from everybody, but no one ever seems to get it.
I'm talking about honesty. . . . So here you go. here's your honesty.
Secondly, I know there are lot of things in my past that will be immediate turn-offs for some woman, and they will click off my page as faster then they can say "what the ffffu....?". Some may even get to the end, simply for the entertainment value. There may even be a couple people out there who know me personally already and/or talked with me before. If that's the case, you may learn a lot about me you didn't already know. Some may even try to justify wanting to give me a chance despite their better judgement. My hope is for that "special someone" out there to read everything about me one day, and take me whole heartedly, without convictions, for everything that I am, everything that I was, everything I am not, and for everything I will never be. At very least, I hope I can open an eye or two to remind people that sometimes there's more than what meets the eye. You can't and shouldn't judge people based on "grey" questions, self-summaries, and mundane details.
There's a great quote from one of my favorite movies "Good Will Hunting"
Robin Williams says to Matt Damon, "You're an orphan, right? Do you think I'd know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? . . . I can't learn anything from you that I can't read in some fuckin' book. Unless you want to talk about you. . . "
I know who I am today, and I'm not ashamed (anymore) about what it took me to get here. It used to be really difficult opening up about the person I am or rather the person I was.
Some of the woman on here share all my interests and they're exactly what I'm looking for, on paper. I would read through a profile and I think, "Man, she would be perfect, but let's face it, you don't have a chance with her." I'm not saying that because I have low self-esteem, or I'm trying to get a sympathy vote, or con my way into anyone's heart. In fact, I do have a lot of confidence in myself, more than most at times. I'm also a realist and know the truth about myself and the truth about how some or MOST woman will see me. I've done some amazing things, saw and experience of a lot of things and saw some amazing things, but I am by no means perfect.
I do check this site out from time to time and I do searches for possible matches. There are some definite possibilities that I have seen, but rarely do I message anyone, unless there is a very good reason, or a really good gut feeling. I'm also not the type of guy who's going to send a message based solely on looks and maybe a couple common attributes. There has to be a much better reason, and a lot of substance for me to take that kind of time.
Quite frankly, You'll notice that I'm putting it all out there. By the end of this you're going to know me pretty well, and I chances are, unless you're like me and write your life story, I will only be privileged to read short snippets or highlights of your life and your interests.
So in fairness, I think if you're interested at the end and haven't fallen asleep, then simply ask me out. I know I leave little room for conversation starting via email or text message. I do this purposefully, because no matter how much I write in here, you'll never really know me, unless you simply meet me in the flesh. All it takes is coffee or even something free, like a walk in the park. Somewhere public for an hour or two, then call it a date. If there's something there, then we can go a second date. . . period. The worst I can say is "not interested", right?
So without further ado. . .
Chapter 1 "In a nutshell"
In a magical world, I would change a lot, but I also know I wouldn't be the person I am today without every twist and turn, good experience and bad. Deep down, I have always been an amazing person, and I came from an amazing family, brought up with the highest of morals. I just got a bit lost for a while. I tried desperately to change or hide my past before, but it's impossible. It's part of who I am, and I realized that the only thing I could change was the person I will become despite all the that.
It's amazing what you can begin to accomplish the moment when you realize you've hit rock bottom. For me, that moment started when I found myself one dreadful morning, surrounded by cops and nurses, yet feeling more alone than ever before. Handcuffed to a hospital bed, bleeding and bruised, a nurse stitches a flap of skin back to my arm.
"I cant believe a cop just did this to me" I thought to myself. " I'm such a nice kid, why would they do this to me, what did I do to deserve this?"
The anguish and the pain both mental and physical filled my eyes for days and weeks to come. I learned that there IS a limit to your tears. Though, I wasn't a kid then, I was a man. I was engaged to be married. Money was in the bank, I was about to be a step-dad to two wonderful boys, my business was about to take off, and life was really about to start for me. If you would have told me that day that my life would be stripped away from me in the course of 1 month, I would have said you're crazy. Funny thing about life though, I realized that if you can turn your life to dark like a flick of a switch, you can turn on your life again, just as fast. Before I get into that story though, let me first tell you where I'm at today before I lose you completely.
I currently live more of a free spirited lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I'm neurotic to the core. I have regiments that I follow, I make lists for everything, and I try to plan everyday to a "t", as to not waste any valuable time and money. However, I realize now that life is a journey, and it's easiest if I let life take me where it leads me. I basically just do whatever, whenever, and live a peaceful life living and working from home. I don't get angry or disgusted, or impatient, or negative about anything anymore. I see people for what they are, and not from where they came from. I try to bring out the good in all people and tarnish any hatred or anger they may have by getting them to see things in a different light I suppose. I quit smoking finally after 15 years, cut out alcohol, and primarily stick to a well balanced diet.
Each morning, monday to friday I wake up at 6 (sometimes earlier), eat breakfast then go for a 5k run while listening to audiobooks. I then shower and start my work day. I make myself a small lunch at noon, or sometimes eat at my grandmas, then usually work until 7p or 9p at the latest. Then I make myself dinner, and watch netflix tv shows while I eat. It's typically "How I Met Your Mother", but I have found some other really good ones as well. "Parks and Recreation" was surprising funny. I do a 15 min power workout. Then I take care of any personal things I need to do, maybe read a book, shower if I need to, and get my things ready for the next day. I'm usually in bed by 12, falling asleep to a movie.
Saturdays I generally devote to tying up any loose ends during the day, and some "me" time the rest of the day/night. Sunday is my day for relaxation and family. I don't work on Sunday unless its an emergency, and usually end up having a family dinner somewhere, then I play hockey from 7-9p. It's usually lights out after that, I'm pretty exhausted by then.
For work I do so many things I can't possibly list them all. When I'm "working", every second is devoted to making money. It may not all generate cash in the near future, and to some, it may even appear that I'm "slacking" off, but 99% of what I do, has purpose. Sometimes it's as simple as buying/selling stock from the bathroom, or taking cash survey's on my iPhone while I wait for a costumer to get her purse. When I drive in work hours, I listen to business lectures, audiobooks, and reply to emails.
One of my main focuses is furniture. I refurbish, build, and design furniture for resale (mostly specialty coffee and end tables). However, I also run a lawn and landscaping service, I coordinate a home and office cleaning service with my sister, I do hardwood flooring and repairs along with trim, and I manage a few rental homes with my dad (which I hate doing, but someday they'll be mine, and I can just sell them). On slower days, I build websites and prepare documents for new business ventures, etc etc. Needless to say, I keep myself pretty busy.
Since I work mostly from home, however, I have the flexibility to do whatever, whenever I want. I can take days off when I want, and I can pick up days when I need to.
On my time off, I have found comfort in writing. I have always wanted to write a book, but never really had the time, or the courage for that matter. I think I MAY have finally found my lion heart though. I don't really have any friends, because one, I'm choosy. Two, I have lived away from Michigan for over 10 years now and lost contact with mostly everyone I know. I tried to reconnect with some old friends, and found myself saddened with the facts that the people I haven't pissed off at some point really haven't grown up at all. I ended up at a party recently that an old friend hosted. We used to "tear shit up", back in the day. We would party at all hours, pick up girls left and right, and live the bachelor dream. Well, Jimmy. . . man, he's still got it. He was everything I remembered him to be. He still had that suaveness with the ladies, the rocker mentally, and just like old jimmy, within minutes of me arriving, he disappeared into a room with some random chick. It was like watching scenes from "the ghost of Christmas past", except being sober and looking in... it's just sad, and made me that much more remorseful.
I had to do a lot of reflecting on my life and figure out where everything went wrong. How did I end up here? When I was younger, I wanted to be the president, marry the perfect woman, have 2 perfect kids (boy and a girl), Have a master's degree in whatever, and basically be living the american dream. At one point in my life, I was well on my way too. Then, my heart led me to Kristy, but more on her later. . . maybe.
Instead however, I'm currently getting over my second engagement, and when I say "getting over", I mean that I'm truly over it, or at least I'm over her. See, she had 2 boys, and before meeting her I wasn't really sure if I really wanted kids. I was always kind of scared about being a dad. Spending two years with those kids changed my perspective on the matter. The way they took to me was remarkable. It caused a lot of ripples when they started to want me to be their dad vs. their real dad. I learned through the experience that I'm going to be an amazing father one day (or hope to be). When I met them they were pretty spoiled, wild, rude, and kind of annoying. By the end, her family couldn't figure out where they were getting their manners from and how they were changing all around for the better. Truth is, they were copying and listening to me. Unlike her and the family, I never once raised my voice or my hand. In hindsight, I realized the only reason I stuck around was for the boys, because she was actually pretty awful to me, and f@#$ed with my head. That bring's us back to that dreadful morning I suppose.
See, I wasn't always the perfect guy, but I sure as hell could pretend to be. Truth of it all, is that I was only fooling myself. I was the perfect guy, and deep down I still am. I had been pretending to be an asshole. Why? because it works. I was hurt for a long time. Suffering from broken heart, I retreated behind what woman try to pretend that they're not attracted to. The jerk always gets the girl, in the beginning. *(see Article "guys are assholes", below) When I had no feeling in heart, though, that's the only guy I cared to be. I missed out on some great girls along the way, I hurt a lot of girls in my wrath. Not all, but a lot. Some of them fooled me, and I got hurt again. It seemed that every time I tried to do the nobel thing, or be the perfect guy again, be completely honest, that that's when I would be on the victim side.
Things were no different when it came to my ex. I wanted to be better, and get better. I hated the person I became. Don't get me wrong. I had an amazing life. I achieved just about every goal I set out for, I got to do and see amazing things. I had a blast everywhere I went, and I can say with out a doubt, people overall just liked me. I'm funny, and fun to be around, but I can also make for great conversations, and I treat people with kindness and the utmost respect. There was this lingering darkness though that I couldn't change. Every once in a while someone would get burned. I was usually there to help put ointment on, but they would definitely have a scar for the rest of their life. That's what I wanted to change. I needed to kill that guy off completely. That's when I met, let's call her Brenda.
I was finally that guy again when I met her. She had been the first person I would begin to open up to…ever, and she helped me open up to people around me. Only problem was, she controlled everything, especially conversations. The only person I wasn't able to open up to was her.
I was on such a high, finally being able to be myself again , everything was falling into place for me, and there were these two wonderful kids to love. it all happened so fast, that I failed to see the obvious, Brenda never got a chance to know me. So when I finally proposed (which she wanted), reality sank in for her, and she didn't know a thing about what her life was going to look like. After two years, she didn't know how I made money, or where I saw my life heading, I doubt she knew my favorite color, while I knew her so well. I could predict her every action..... still can. I didn't care that she wasn't perfect for me, I didn't care that one day the threats from her ex to kill me or the her would probably become true. I was preparing myself to die for them. Being around those kids was the first time I had truly felt loved, truly truly loved by someone that wasn't obligated to love me. So it didn't matter to me how much she hurt me, or anyone else, because I didn't feel pain, but for a different reason this time.
I ran through hoops for her on everything. I changed careers and goals, and worked out several options to meet her standard of living. She would ask me once to do something, then demand. If she didn't get her way still, I would pay for it, someway or somehow. I dressed the way she wanted me to dress, if she didn't like my clothes that day, she would buy me something new. At first she wouldn't let me grow facial hair because it was too itchy for her. I retaliated and grew it out. Then when it got itchy for me, she wouldn't let me shave it because now she liked it too much. I wanted to shave my head, and she wouldn't let me. She insisted I would look ugly, even though it's kind of a ritual for me to shave my head. One day I retaliated, and then she wouldn't let me grow it out again, because she liked it. Clothes that had sentiment or were just so broken in and comfortable, literally got ripped off my body if there was a hole big enough to get a finger in it. She would rush me to her house to change a lightbulb only to find out that she got her dad to do it before me. She wouldn't allow me to pass gas. I had to hold it until I got to a bathroom, and even then it was supposed to be silent. (sorry for being vulgar, but you think about how hard that would be when you see someone 24 hours a day for 2 years) She was mentally and physically exhausting me. It wasn't all bad, though. We had some great times, because she deep down she is a good person. However, she was going through what I went through 10 years prior. She was now the "asshole". Guard up; she knew how to love me just enough to stay, but loathe me just enough to keep me at bay.
Near the beginning of the relationship, I began having stomach issues, which you'll learn more about later. It caused me to not eat, because everything I ate, I threw up, and everything I didn't throw up hurt my stomach more than it was worth. I finally found a diet and a "medicine" that was working and the final puzzle pieces were finally coming together. I had changed my life for the better in one year, and couldn't wait to share with her all the things I accomplished that year despite the turmoil she put me through. She, like I mentioned was now the asshole, and I was getting a taste of my own medicine. When that $4000 engagement ring hit her finger, she got scared and destroyed the relationship that she thought she wanted.
I decided to go to Florida to console with a friend. Three days before the flight, the fighting began, again. She couldn't understand why I needed to go to Florida to talk to someone. "...because you're not fucking listening to me" I may have said, or least thought.
Being the nurse, she worked late hours, which meant we could fight 24 hours a day, because one of us was waking the other up to do so.
The day I arrived in Tampa. I had been awake for over 72 hours, my stomach didn't allow me to eat for over 4 days. I got stuck at the airport because my friend was hours late picking me up. Then he showed me the sites of his new location, and we took a taxi to a bar where I played a pool tournament, and came in second. I had my first drink there in over 2 months while I played the games, and a victory shot with the winner after wards. The rest is blank. I woke up in a strange, ghetto backyard, confused, cold, lost, no civilization, a dead phone, no money, weak and tired. My mind began to go crazy. I remember thinking I was on my dad's property, which would be absurd. I tried to get into the house, since I knew "his house" would be vacant, but no luck. There was a bus pulled in back. It had reached down to 20 degrees that night and I was still wearing summer clothes from it being 70 earlier. In the act of desperation for my own safety , I broke the window to the bus and crawled in to sleep off til morning, with every intention to make things right at sunup.
I never made it to sunup. I was awakened minutes later with guns drawn at my chest, and the tiniest little female cop barking some of the nastiest things at me. It was her who would then ensure that I go to the hospital first. it happened kind fast, but started with her dragging me across the the shards of glass, and ended with my face and body being slammed into the broken pieces all over the cold hard dirt.
It was then that I first thought, well, There goes my dreams. no more Mr. President, no more wife and kids, no more perfect life for me.
They charged me with 2 felonies that night. About $10,000 later and 6 months of court, the charges were dropped, but the damage had already been done.
I didn't realize then, but it's those things that make somebody great someday. They say it all the time, but you don't really understand it until you're there one day. When you wake up one day, look at the world around you, and you realize you have nothing, you also realize you have nothing left to lose. Suddenly, fear, isn't even a word for you, and life begins to show its face in the most remarkable way.
Ultimately however, I still want the wife and kids, which is what attracted me to her in the first place. I ignored all the signs though. Point is, I'm done rushing it, so if you're looking for "long term" in the short term, then maybe our timing isn't right, and maybe reading further isn't worth your time.
On the concept of time, I don't like my time wasted. I know that sounds a bit crass, but it's who I am. So with that same respect I won't waste your time. In that, what I mean is, I know myself (it took some time). I know what I want and I know what I'm looking for, so I won't string you along if it's not right, and I expect you to do the same. On that note, let me tell you about me.
I'm looking for someone, who I can connect with and who shares the same interests. I like a girl who can challenge me intellectually. Some one who can have debates over big issues like politics and even small ones like meanings behind songs.
I'm a pretty laid back "go with the flow" kind of guy, so I need someone who's not afraid to take charge and make some decisions, but who also knows when to step back, and let me drive.
I'm a great listener, it's one of my best qualities. So, if you can't carry a conversation, then our relationship will probably end fast. However, I do like to talk too (if you couldn't tell). I'm not a story topper, but I generally have a really interesting story for everything, so if you can't listen equally, then the relationship will probably end fast. Most Importantly, I would like to meet someone who is content being friends for a bit. I know people say all the time "friends first", but I actually mean it. We can do the whole "dating" thing and hanging out, even be affectionate towards each other, but sex and intimacy is needs to be taken out of the equation. In my experience, getting physical too soon just blinds you the stuff that really matters. Long story short, just want to take things slow.
Family: family is extremely important to me, and it's a really large family. For my grandmas 90th we had to rent a hall for 200+ people. There wasn't a whole lot of outside people there. I moved away from Michigan nearly 10 years ago, because I hated the winters in Michigan. Particularly driving in snow. I realized in Florida that I couldn't live without my family near so I decided to move to Chicago where they would be closer and I wouldn't have to drive in the snow. Chicago seems close but wasn't close enough, so my mom and brother picked me up one week after telling them, and moved me home. I'm now even more close to my family then ever now. I tell them everything about my life, as do they, and we give and take advice from each other all the time. Sometimes it's not always want we want to hear, like.... "I don't know, I just don't think he/she is the one for you". Which is basically the kiss of death for any of our relationships.
If you are looking at my "details", you'll probably notice I left out "drugs". If you couldn't tell already, I'm pretty honest, and my life is an open book. However i felt like this tooic needed more explaing then a black and white answer. So here it goes. I've tried different things in my far past, notjing like horrible. If you want to know what or anything, ask me. Ill tell you. I haven't done anything in years, and have no desire to do any of those things again. I do smoke on occasion, much to my dismay, but it kind of ties into my "strictly other diet". Last year I got really sick, and none of the doctors could figure it out. I was having horrible stomach pains, throwing up 3+ times a day, and having other stomach related issues that I won't gross you with. On top of other physical and mental symptoms that came with this condition I have, I lost about 35lbs, which I'm slowly regaining. This went on for over a year before figuring out the problem. In that time, my pothead ex roommate made me try smoking, because none of the other 100 prescriptions drugs seem to work. Sadly, marijuana helped reduce my symptoms and much of the pain. I used to laugh at the idea of medical marijuana, but it was literally the only thing that was able fixate me out of bed and out of the bathroom, because that's basically how I spent an entire year. Now, I sometimes use a little when I have really bad days. Thanks to this diet though, my symptoms have pretty much died out, and I need it less and less. Truthfully, I'm not proud and a little embarrassed to admit any of this. Breaking that to my mom was really strange, but she took it very well. Anyhow, it is the truth, and if you're going have any relation with me, it's something you should know before wasting either of our time.