googleforbrains
42 Chicago, IL
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googleforbrains
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My self-summary
Having reached the age of 42 still a single man, and with no discernible prospects on the horizon, I've decided to summarize my particular example of the human condition in written form and present the findings online for others to peruse. So sit back, relax and strap on your seat belt. You've never been on a ride like this before, with a producer who can rap and control the maestro at the same time with the dope rhymes that I kick... Wait a minute; I'm sorry, my Dickensian introduction rapidly degenerated into Dr Dre lyrics. That's my bad. Let's start again.

A while ago I was walking down the street and saw a woman talking to a man with his dog. I heard the woman say, "There's nothing more sincere than doggie kisses." And I said to her, "I think Linus' pumpkin patch is way more sincere than doggie kisses."

Well, I didn't say it. But I thought it.

So here's some stuff about me: I won't pretend to be someone I'm not, or that I know something that I don't know. I am seldom in a rush because I plan ahead. I believe in learning from my mistakes, and I try to avoid making mistakes that later have to be learned from (which is more wishful thinking than practical application, but it's good to have goals even if they are unachievable).

I go to the gym three or four times a week to see my friend the treadmill and my mortal enemy the elliptical machine. I don't drink coffee, and I think people who do are coffee drinkers. I am methodical and logical, yet impulsive. I am not a vegetarian. I like spending time with my nephews/nieces because they are full of energy and I feel appreciated when I am around them.

I am serious and amusing, intellectual and bawdy, pragmatic and absurd, introverted and outgoing, sometimes all within a matter of minutes; it's not so much multiple personalities as it is the ability to adapt to my surroundings. And according to the OKCupid "Personality" tab I am both "More Sloppy" and "More Organized" than your average man; looking around my condo, it is evident that the two descriptions aren't mutually-exclusive, so congratulations OKCupid algorithm, you've figured me out.

Here's what am I looking for: a woman to spend time with, who knows relationships are two-way streets, who can beat me at Scrabble, who does not begin her self-summary with "It is so hard to write about myself..." because she knows who she is and what she likes, who enjoys some of the same things I like but who also likes different things because I do not want to date myself. So if a few of the things above or some of the stuff below rings a bell in your mind then perhaps we should hang out and see if we like one another.
What I’m doing with my life
So my job involves computers and writing, and sometimes photography. It allows me to use the creative and logical parts of my brain, so it keeps my mind limber. I enjoy my job, and I am very good at my job, but it does not define me as a person.

I spend the rest of my time trying to be active while avoiding feeling busy.
I’m really good at
I remember trivial facts and bits of information. One of my nicknames is "google," hence the profile name. I am also good at parallel parking, hitting a golf ball an absurdly long way, making "top 5" lists, bowling, growing a beard and then shaving it off, asking questions, cutting and pasting, defending a soccer goal, coming up with the word that is on the tip of someone's tongue that they just can't remember and driving long distances at a moderately high rate of speed while singing poorly yet loudly in my car.
The first things people usually notice about me
That I radiate a love for humanity much like an industrial bakery sends forth unto the universe the smell of fresh warm bread on a daily basis.

Or my shaved head.

Also, I am an adult male of the species... not an alpha male, but the alpha male's Consigliere.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Here are some things I like... David Fincher and Coen brothers movies, caramel on butter pecan ice cream, obscure 80s pop songs and 90s indie rock, soup, italics and the ellipsis..., creative profanity, Parmesan cheese on popcorn, card and board games, sleeping in on the weekend, PBS cooking shows, big cities, empty wilderness, fresh seafood and live music.

Here are some of my dislikes... salads, vacuuming, insincerity, coffee, humidity, half-truths, the texture of coconut, selfish behavior and the phrase "It is what it is..." I mean, really? It is what it is? For a minute there I thought it was what it isn't.

Lately I've been going to a lot of stand-up comedy shows... John Mulaney, Louis CK, Hannibal Burress, Patton Oswalt....

Music - I own a buttload of cds. I don't buy digital music. I'd rather have a cd/tape/album in my hands. I mostly listen to 90s indie rock, classic rock and the 80s station on satellite radio. But I like most music except modern country (the last good country song was Guitars, Cadillacs by Dwight Yoakam, and that came out in '86).

Concerts I've attended in the recent past include the Grifters, the Pixies, Neutral Milk Hotel, Midlake, Pearl Jam, Neil Young and Crazy Horse, Springsteen, Sebadoh, the Archers of Loaf, the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, Yo la Tengo, Muse, Jeff Tweedy, the Rolling Stones and Riot Fest. Ask me which was my favorite and I could come up with reasons for each.

TV - Mr Robot, Rick and Morty, Hannibal, Justified, Children's Hospital, Parks and Rec., 30 Rock, Breaking Bad, Deadwood, the Wire, Battlestar Galactica, Mad Men, Community, Mr Show, most HBO dramas... I don't watch reality shows or televised singing competitions. If I want to see somebody sing I go to a concert.

Movies - My movie preferences run a gauntlet from Winter's Bone to Wes Anderson to Goodfellas to Caddyshack to spaghetti westerns to Hitchcock to Kubrick to John Hughes to everything Tarantino... If it has a good story or makes me laugh, I'm in. I also like documentaries, but am not one of those people who thinks that all documentaries are fabulous. Some are; many aren't.

Words - I think Cormac McCarthy, Annie Proulx and Hunter S. Thompson are geniuses. I enjoyed A Visit from the Goon Squad... I get the best short stories of the year collection for Christmas because I love short stories, but when I encounter a story about a young protagonist wrestling with filial piety issues I roll my eyes like a male Liz Lemon and skip to the next one. Online, I read themorningnews.org, Slate and the AVClub websites, among others.

Food - Mexican, seafood, steakhouses and diners, donuts, melty cheese, potatoes in all their forms, and a Sunday morning omelette with pancakes on the side. The best three weeks of the year are in August when sweet corn is at its sweetest. Favorite places: El Barco Mariscos, Calo, Mayan Palace, Ricobenes and Stella's.
The six things I could never do without
Music, the interweb, multiple dipping sauces, family and friends, laughter, an active imagination, a warm blanket, a quality pen, sports and my glasses.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
The edge of the universe, what's for dinner, why I'm not in Scotland or Yellowstone or on a beach, fun sexy times, why I am procrastinating, what concert or movie I want to see next, why does my brain function like it does... stuff like that.

Also, why does Hollywood spend 11 months of the year releasing mediocre movies and then drop 6 good ones in the theaters at exactly the same time in December? I know: Oscar season blah blah blah. But as an example, in 2013 The Wolf of Wall Street came out the same week as American Hustle, Anchorman II, Inside Llewyn Davis and a week after the Hobbit movie. My message to Hollywood: Spread. That. Good. Shit. Out. Mofos.

I also think about what kind of person would use the word "mofos" in their online dating website profile. The answer, of course, is that this mofo would.
On a typical Friday night I am
Out with friends or doing whatever sounds good at the time. To me, something unique is more interesting to me than something "typical," yet I usually end up doing what I typically do, making me a reluctant creature of habit.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Here are two...

I know the words to an inappropriately large number of Depeche Mode songs, and I have seen every episode of the Gilmore Girls.
You should message me if
Come on, of course you want to message me.

I mean, to paraphrase The Shawshank Redemption, you've made it this far; perhaps you're willing to go a little farther. You did just read 1,500 words about me. Hopefully you found something I said among all this sweet rambling at least slightly interesting. Maybe you’re wondering how this remarkable man has avoided falling into the clutches of a woman or capture by the authorities for lo so many years. Maybe you're one microscopic cog in his catastrophic plan, designed and directed by his red right hand. Maybe you would like to meet one of God's own prototypes, a high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production... too weird to live, and too rare to die. Maybe Josie's on a vacation far away, and you want to come around and talk it over. Maybe you want to exercise your free will today, thereby proving you are not under the control of some malevolent alien, sinister corporation or robot with mind-control powers.

But those are all maybes, and maybes are for babies.

In truth, what have you got to lose?
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