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gostbrand

41 M Newport Beach, CA

I’m looking for

  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 24–40
  • Near me
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating

My Details

Last Online
Yesterday – 9:46pm
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
White
Height
5′ 7″ (1.70m)
Body Type
Athletic
Diet
Anything
Smokes
No
Drinks
Socially
Drugs
Religion
Atheism
Sign
Virgo, but it doesn’t matter
Education
Job
Income
Relationship Status
Single
Relationship Type
Offspring
Has a kid, and might want more
Pets
Speaks
English

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My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
By the by I have crafted a life that is by most accounts even-keeled. I have a daughter whom I love and a gracious ex-wife (now of over eight years). Outwardly I am prone neither to extreme highs nor extreme lows although on the inside I am sometimes guilty of episodes of soaring confidence and/or plunging self-doubt.

Occasionally I will have a craving for an extreme experience and will stray (or stumble) from my steady path. As much as I value a moderate disposition I cannot live without the occasional (and willful) suspension of my better judgment in pursuit of a novel and/or profound experience.

My last relationship lasted three years and ended a bit too abruptly for my taste. I am good at being single and I suppose I don't mind it, but I've learned that I prefer being in a relationship to not. I am a better version of myself when in a relationship.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
I'm good at organizing things (my life not included); I like systems (that make sense!). I love to create. I love making graphics and art. I love to write. I am pretty good at getting down to the essence of an idea and figuring out a way to articulate it (although this doesn't always happen quickly).
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
My ex-wife called yesterday. She said that her husband (she is remarried, yes?) has a job opportunity in Arizona, and that they would be moving the whole family, my daughter included, to Scottsdale. She said that the move was a near certainty and that it would be happening soon. I am writing this in June, 2013.

My daughter is eleven and next year she will be going into junior high. We are very close. Currently, we all live in Orange County.

I received the phone call while I was on my way to work. My ex-wife (I wish there was a more delicate way to put that, "ex-wife" sounds so abrasive and inadequate, but, whatever), my ex-wife said that she wanted to tell me first, before I heard it from my daughter.

Needless to say, that phone call really effed up my day. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't imagine not being in my daughter's life. I cringed at the thought of being relegated to the familiar voice on the other end of the line who calls periodically to say, "I miss you and I love you."

I was sitting at my desk when a friend (and co-worker!) asked why I'd come in late, "Did you over sleep this morning? Too much Game of Thrones last night?"

"No," I told him, "I was on the phone with my ex-wife."

"Oh, ha, was she being high-maintenance?"

"No, it's not that..."

I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. It was still too fresh. I hadn't even fully processed everything yet. To say it out loud would have been so crushing. So real. I could feel the devastation rising in me.

"I'm sorry..." I stammered...

I stared straight ahead at my computer monitor and I finally managed to get out, "I just can't say it right now." He went back to his desk and I excused myself to the bathroom where I broke down.

Uncontrollably.

People are pretty resilient, I suppose. Everyday the headlines are filled with people who have survived fates far worse than mine. Could I learn to adapt to a new life with my daughter, separated by a few hundred miles? Perhaps. But, could I ever really do without her?

No.

At least I never want to.

Addendum:
I should add, since I have received several very nice and thoughtful messages of concern and support, that my daughter has decided to stay with me. We are looking for a new place in Costa Mesa, since I am currently in Santa Ana and need to move into her school district. The circumstances are not ideal, of course we would all prefer to keep the entire family close, but given the circumstances, I could not be happier.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
The universe is big. Incomprehensibly big. And it is very likely just one out of an incomprehensibly large number of incomprehensibly big universes. Our recorded history, recorded human history, goes back less than 5,000 years. It has been less than 10,000 years since humans first started organizing into civilizations and well under half-a-million years since modern humans even existed at all.

By contrast, Dinosaurs ruled the Earth for over 165 million years. ONE-HUNDRED SIXTY-FIVE MILLION YEARS. Try to imagine life 165 million years from now.

In the unlikely event that humans continue to exist in any form at all after 165 million years, think of what the implications would be for recorded history.

Superstars like Tom Brady and Madonna are celebrated now and likely will be remembered for years to come. Luminaries like Thomas Edison and Abraham Lincoln will be remembered for generations. Singular, paradigm shifting personalities like Jesus and Einstein will be remembered for millennia. But who will be remembered in one million years? Who would be remembered in ONE HUNDRED MILLION years?

Let's suppose that Albert Einstein had the greatest impact on the course of human history over the last millennium, for argument's sake. And let's imagine that we could only pick one seminal figure from each millennium to venerate. So, Einstein from the last millennium, Jesus from the millenium before that and Julius Caesar from the millenium before that. That is three historical figures to represent three thousand years, sounds pretty manageable.

Now fast forward 165 million years and that number balloons to an unwieldy 165,000. To put that into perspective, there have been less than 50 American Presidents; if you can name them all that's great! Now imagine trying to remember 165,000 Jesus Christs and Einsteins. And that is to say nothing of all of the Abraham Lincolns, Martin Luther Kings, Moses, Buddhas, Gandhis, Francis Bacons, Leonardo DaVincis, Mohammeds, L. Ron Hubbards, Joseph Smiths and Justin Biebers that have been left out.

Stretched out far enough and given long enough eventually all personalities and accomplishments will become meaningless, especially given that time and the universe will invariably outlast human existence. One hundred sixty-five million years from now my life (and yours) will be completely indistinguishable from Mozart's or Shakespeare's or a fourth century Egyptian farmer's or probably even a grasshopper's or a banana's.

The Earth is about 4 billion years old and the universe (this universe) is approximately 14 billion years old. Eventually our sun will expire and our planet along with it (assuming it is still around). Humans will almost certainly have run their course long, long before any of this. Our universe ultimately will expand or contract into extinction.

It is not just that nothing will last forever, it is that there is no such thing as forever. Everything will end. Existence will be indistinguishable from non-existence. When all memory and record of existence have gone it won't just be gone it will have never been.

Honestly I don't spend a lot of time thinking about this. How could you? But, whenever I happen to catch myself thinking about it, slipping deeper into the hopelessness and despair of the thought (and the reality), I will look at my hand and see that it is moving. I notice how light is reflecting off of it and how it is covered in a tiny latticework of cracks and wrinkles. I open and close my fingers and know that I am controlling them. I recognize that I am walking back to my desk at the office or driving my car to pick up my daughter.

Self-awareness and the capacity to reason are exceedingly rare in our universe (insofar as we know). The dinosaurs never accomplished it in over 165 million years. In the history of our planet we are the only ones ever to have achieved it.

Maybe we don't exist. Perhaps nothing exists. Maybe we are just biding meaningless time until all that ever was ceases to be or ever have been.

For now I have the capacity to reason and the ability to consider myself and the universe and my place in it. I get to love and create and play and despair and experience and appreciate a myriad of emotions. I get to share and communicate and relate to other people just like me.

For whatever it is worth, this little sliver of space and time that we have been granted in our universe is special. If not for any other reason than the completely improbable fact that we are aware of it and so we are able to make it that way.

As long as we are here, we may as well enjoy it.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
That essay above, that self-indulgent trope, was written on a Friday night. I can't say that is typical, but...what is?
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I am sitting in my underwear on a Saturday morning proofreading and compulsively editing a 700 word essay that was spontaneously and inexplicably crafted for an online dating website with no regard for context or appropriateness. But the MOST PRIVATE thing that I am willing to admit is that I am proud of the essay and it makes me happy and few things satisfy me like completing (and then basking in the glow of) a hard-won work of art. I thrill at the thought of someone finding this and thinking I am awesome. I am willing to admit that I crave adoration. I want to be adored.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You should message me if you think I am awesome.