seems useless to keep logging on here,im not finding anyone nor any success here. i think i lose here. mabey its because im serious. i know im strange and unusual. as well as very picky.
guess ill just keep going to the gym daily and mabey ill meet someone at the diabetes walk or at my gym....health freaks will be abound there. well anyhow....ill be live and in person in downtown san jose this sunday OCTOBER 12,AT GUADALUPE PARK,across from the HP PAVILLION'S ENTRANCE,there will be a HEALTH FAIR there as well.
GOOGLE..."WALK OUT FOR DIABETES" FOR MORE INFO.

ALL ARE WELCOME TO COME RUN OR WALK WITH ALL OF US!

ok,folks
four weeks ago i signed up to walk at the step out for diabetes,in downtown SAN JOSE,on sunday october 12th,2008.
now....ive never done anything like this at all since the 20 mile walkathon that was held in the seventies,i was a kid and a fat kid and totally underestimated 20 miles,lol,only did 5 miles then copped out. im like thinking im crazy for doing this but...i can either walk 1 and a half miles or three miles,ive been going to the gym for over a year now and im pretty sure i can walk the three miles. that itself isnt an issue....i am such a non-athletic type...i excersize to look good and avoid emotional ups and downs,the people at this event probably simply love this stuff......i think i wanted to go for the social aspect,possibly meet other healthy people,athletic men.
since i signed up ive swung between...im not gonna go,im gonna go...im not gonna go......now its this sunday and...well,im definitely going,but it feels like a major event for me,omg.

ive asked for sponsorship,sent out e mails...but alas..ive no sponsor monies or pledges to give,but i will still go,pay my 20.00 entry fee and walk...least i know the 20 will be my donation.

these were written by me right after my ex left 4 years ago this month. the pain isnt that bad anymore but in reading these i can see the pain that is now gone.


sept 18,2004....



all i know,
is i love you,
and each night,
i think of you,
i look out at the sky,
thru the window,
we once shared,
hoping you might be looking there too.
i wish you would,
come back to me,
but with each day passing,
i dont think you will,
ive seen you less and less.
as each day passes,
i think you love me less each day,
as my love grows,
ive become,
cumbersome.
ive no way to ask you over,
you wouldnt come anyway.
i am the discarded one,
left here with
open,bleeding wounds.
looking in the mirrors,
that are around me
i wish to see your reflection too
only to see
only me
without you.


-----------------------------------


aug 6, 2006...


wishes are actions never taken,
and dreams really never come true,
Happy is all just a fucking fairy tale,
out to kill you
believe me
it probably isnt worth it
ive been discarded
i dont try cause you
will
turn me down.



---------------------------------------------
last one i wrote....


February 22,2007.....




im trapped in silent sorrow,
only i can hear my pain,
i see his face in my heart,
he is always on my mind,
i know he has forgotten me,
although i cant stop loving him,
he is the one for me,
i am the loser to him,
he will never come again,
i only have a photograph,
i know he has forgotten me,
washing me away....
thinking of me no more......
I AM..."whats-her-name?"
she has taken my place in his heart.

------------------------------------

i met with a man from here,
i REALLY liked him,
he came to my house,
we gabbed till almost 8am,
we exchanged phone numbers,
that was saturday nite.....
im dieing to call him....
we exchanged okcupid mail on sunday,
im still dieing to call him....
making me crazy,
im thinking about him,
making me crazy...
when he first pulled up i thought "omg,he's beautiful!",
its making me want.....
making me crazy,wanting to call him soooo badly,
is he thinking the same thing?
or,
mabey not.
i dunno.
but IT IS MAKING ME CRAZY 4 HIM!
although,realistically.......
he has not called me yet either....the odds may not be in my favor.....i cannot expect anything,
i can only wait and see.

still makes me crazy. :)

i cum on to see if anyone has e mailed me here only to hear about zebras let loose in their server and thats why my mail is entirely missing...saved mail and all. id guess that means zebras read e mail and possibly laugh at my mail. hmmmmmmm,wonder what the tigers would do let loose in their server? OMFUCKINGG!

Summer is here,soooo much time, so little to do. I wish for this to be not like it is. but it is. Want to be outside in the sun but not with no one. No reason to go alone.


Thinking,there must be someone out there.....
Someone,who would really like me....
Someone to be happy with...
All anyone can do is wait and see...

:)

You are The Lovers

Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.

The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.

Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

ok.....now what. i could have predicted this one. will it help anyone know me better or what.lmfuckingao!

once again another day of looking and waiting for someone who wants to be with me. it is so personally obvious that i want a companion,yet i want the right companion,damn it! "The game" is so ridiculous,difficult,yet somehow necessary.

i go to the gym five times a week for at least an hour to two hours,steady for more than a year. i do cardio then weight resistance training. i look better than i did a year ago,feel better,have noticed other benefits as well,i dont have heavy pms symptoms like headaches and mood swings,no anxiety attacks,i ve noticed an increase in overall energy,enthusiasm and happiness. i feel my muscles toning up and a pride with increasing the weight that im pushing,pulling,pressing,lifting, ect....five to six days a week. there are a few men there that i think id be interested in,three of them to be exact....ive no idea if they are single,mabey they wouldn't even be interested in me or compatible with me,but damn it...im too shy to say hello but i do leer....omg! so...i try not to LEER. just like i do here....lol. or i imagine i met them then they turn out to be a big jerk,i think that is what keeps my mouth shut,lol.

mabey....they've noticed me...and think im creepy,or...mabey they've noticed me but are shy as well....mabey they think im ugly,fat,unattractive...then when i leer they get creeped out...omfg!! aaaaaagh!

you'd think if a guy was interested he'd let it be known.but i could be entirely wrong believing that,and i know that most men fear rejection. But in the past,and now i tend to be aggressive with pursuing men,and,get very little response or success,or any serious takers. or mabey....im just free of assholes and stalkers, mabey i scare off the truly bad aggressives, that may be good.
:)

the daily boredom and dilemmas of this gothicslutwench will be continued....
:)

of course,i should have figured. i found someone i was really interested in here,i told him id like to meet him,that was cool.
then it came down to not meeting. he didnt say so but id guess it will not happen. that doesnt make him a bad guy,as a matter of fact it makes him better than most. a guy who is reluctant is probably a very good guy whereas most will ask to get together right away,for sex,or the interest{in getting to be a friend with or getting to really know one another} is lost. or you'll get men asking right away"can you host" which is a total turn off and a big red flag,or you get men who just dont take no for an answer,as if they can talk you into being attracted to them...omg! you cant talk anyone into attraction. I guess letting them know your actually willing to meet,at least for me, scares them away. my quest is for a like-minded man between 30 and 50,that i can enjoy being with,and will enjoy being with me...as of aug 15 2008,ive been solo for 4 years. discouragement at its highest...lol. ill probably dissapear from here,did before....until just recently i hadn't been here for well over a year and a half,received an email saying i had messages here so i checked,tried,i dont like endlessly emailing someone who ill never meet,thats not real friends just cyber boredom. i want real. guess that wont happen here......

This morning i cannot sleep,i lay here in the dark for several hours now. All my own life quandaries,questions,worries,even excited ideas running thru my head like some ticker tape parade of questions. i wanted to sleep,needed to sleep...it was late and there was nothing and no one to fill the void of time so i turned everything off only to find my eyes shut but my mind at a stress. I hate this kind of insomnia,when you want or need to sleep but cant. you try clearing your mind,relaxation...the old "close your eyes n lay real still", lol,to no avail so i finally popped my ass on up turned the computer back on and wrote this journal entry hoping to quiet the mind. Now ill try once more to go to damn sleep :)