Issuing supreme power to you...one moment.

My self-summary Propose an edit

I'm a wikipedia addict.

I will discuss anything.

I (almost) read too much.

I bind my own books for fun.

I swear (sporadically and creatively).

I like the world better when it's raining.

I teach origami to underprivileged children.

I arranged these thoughts in order of length.

I know all of the words to Jesus Christ Superstar.

I can't tell you the difference between pornography and art.

I'm a pretty hoopy frood; meaning, I always know where my towel is.

I don't think I am half as interesting as my friends make me out to be.

I am mildly obsessive-compulsive (turn the lock, turn the lock, turn the lock - not really).

I comfort friends by telling that everything will turn out all right in the end, but don't often believe a damn word of it myself.

If I had a nickel for every time someone told me I was going to Hell, I would have enough nickels to pay someone to beat those people to death with a tube sock filled with nickels.

What I'm doing with my life Propose an edit

I'm reading everything that I can get my hands on, and, recently, I found a place that has a hoard of obscenely cheap books. Imagine a pile of leaves, only replace the leaves with books.

I guess it would have been easier to just imagine a pile of books. Whatever. People don't use their imaginations enough as it is and I'll be boffed and benighted before I become just another goddamn enabler.

I'm also developing a plan for world domination. Surprisingly, I still have time for Scrabble.

I'm really good at Propose an edit

There's no way to parade one's merits without sounding cocksure, which I will admit to being sometimes (despite the fact that I lack that particular anatomical tidbit). So I can put on pants both legs a time? Whoop-de-do. I still have a hard time putting on matching socks in the morning, and, in the dark, I will always manage to kick every single piece of furniture on my way out of a room (no matter how familiar with it I happen to be).

I'm particularly good at writing particularly bad poetry. Strange.

In all seriousness, though, I'm good at everything.

The first thing(s) people usually notice about me Propose an edit

People often mistake my "confused" face for my "you're an idiot" face. I have no idea how they manage that one.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food Propose an edit

(A) I love to read, so here's a small list: 1984, 2001: A Space Odyssey, An American Tragedy, Animal Farm, Brave New World, Brighter English, Catch-22, A Clockwork Orange, Das Kapital], A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich, Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, The Hedonism Handbook, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (and subsequent books), How to be a Villian: Evil Laughs, Secret Lairs, Master Plans and More!!!, Hypnerotomachia Poliphili, Inferno, The Iron Heel, Johnny Got His Gun, Kings of Infinite Space, Lady Chatterley's Lover, A Light in the Attic, Lord of the Flies, The Lottery, The Metamorphosis, The Metamorphosis of Prime Intellect, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Paradise Lost, A People’s History of the United States, R is for Rocket, The Roald Dahl Omnibus, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, Slaughterhouse-Five, Stiff, The Talisman, We, Wicked (before the musical and the cult following), The Zombie Survival Guide, and the collective works of Roald Dahl, H.L. Mencken, Lewis Carrol, George Orwell and Kurt Vonnegut.

On a side note, will someone please explain why the Hell everyone likes Chuck Palahniuk?

(B)12 Angry Men (1957), 2001: A Space Odyssey, American History X, American Psycho, Apocalypse Now, Beetlejuice, Being John Malkovich, The Big Lebowski, The Birds, Blazing Saddles, The Blues Brothers, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Children of Men, A Clockwork Orange, Dazed & Confused, Death of a President, Death to Smoochy, Dick Tracy, Dogma, Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, Edward Scissorhands, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Everything is Illuminated, Evil Dead (series), Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amelie Poulain, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Full Metal Jacket, Go, Goodfellas, Grosse Point Blank, The History Boys, I Heart Huckabee’s, Indiana Jones, The Jerk, The Jacket, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Layer Cake, The Libertine, The Life of Brian, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, Lord of War, Mallrats, Man on the Moon, The Merchant of Venice, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, Monsters, Inc., Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, Mr. Holland’s Opus, Office Space, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Orgazmo, Pan’s Labyrinth, The Phantom of the Opera (1925), The Princess Bride, The Professional, Psycho, Pulp Fiction, The Quick and the Dead, Reservoir Dogs, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, A Scanner Darkly, Serenity, The Shawshank Redemption, Silverado, Snatch, Spaceballs, Stay, Superbad, Thank You For Smoking, Titan A.E., Tombstone, Trainspotting, Tron, The Usual Suspects, V for Vendetta, Willy Wonka, etc.

Just so you know, I would rather have plot holes and explosions than a mushy, half-assed romantic comedy starring Hugh "I get my jollies from a hooker in a dark alley" Grant.

Oh, and I love Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.

(C) Nearly everything, but I don't care to list particulars. I swear people are more bigoted about musical preferences than they are about appearances (e.g. race, distance between eyes, etc.). I say nearly everything because I don't really go for religious, praise-oriented music (in whatever genre). Not that some of it isn't beautiful (mainly the classical whatnots), but it sort of loses some umph if you think of God as little more than a grown-up's imaginary friend. My current fixations are We Are Scientists and Django Reinhardt.

(D) I never developed a taste for seafood and cannot stand the smell of fish. Other than that, I'll try anything twice - once to see if I like it, the second time to make sure. This causes problems occasionally.

The six things I could never do without Propose an edit

(I realize that I need food, shelter, water, sunlight, air, etc. The appropriate answer to this question is implied to be outside Maslow's heirarchy of needs. Thankyouverymuchcockbite.)

The arts (music, literature, film, bowling ball stacking, etc.), woolen socks, imagination, indignation, the semicolon and whiskey*.

*I could, honestly, probably do without it, but I won't. I like whiskey. A lot.

I spend a lot of time thinking about Propose an edit

Life, the Universe, everything.

On a typical Friday night I am Propose an edit

Busy, sleeping, writing or some combination of the three.

And, yeah, I can write in my sleep. Did you miss the "I'm good at everything" section?

The most private thing I'm willing to admit here Propose an edit

I prefer to watch movies with the subtitles on.

You should message me if Propose an edit

You probably shouldn't message me. I'm not approved by nine out of ten dentists.*

Look, I'm an English major, so I'm really not going to be interested in talking to someone that sends an initial message that: 1) improperly uses an ellipsis (you know, dot dot dot); 2) drops letters from the ends of words without using proper, representative punctuation (e.g. doin, thinkin, what-the-fuck-everin); 3) fails to capitalize the beginning of a sentence; 4) misuses your (possessive), you're (contraction), their (possessive), there (adverb), they're (contraction), it's (contraction), its (possessive), where (adverb), wear (verb) or any combination of the above; 5) contains texting abbreviations (e.g. 2 for 'two', r for 'are', etc.)** ; 6) contains excessive run-on sentences; 7) ends multiple sentences in prepositions; 8) has entirely random capitalization and punctuation (and is not a free verse poem); 9) has subject-verb disagreement; or 10) manages to achieve all of these in six words or fewer.***

*Disclaimer: Insults and/or injuries resulting from messages sent against medical advice (AMA) will not be covered by your HMO. Sorry.

** For the sake of emphasis, some abbreviations are acceptable. Instances will be judged case-by-case for violation.

*** Seriously, though, just don't be an asshat and you'll probably be fine.

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