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guspasho
29 / M / straight / Single
Portland, Oregon
His journal posts
On cheating
What is cheating? An ex-girlfriend had (what I think is) a peculiar
idea of it. Her opinion is that if you don't sleep with someone
else, you haven't cheated. However, enjoying live-action
pornography (as opposed to animated) is also cheating. So
essentially, cheating is having sex with somebody else or
masturbating to the thought of having sex with somebody else.
This seems like missing the point to me. To cheat is to deceive your partner and betray their trust in you, specifically undermining the strength of your relationship. The sense of betrayal and deception is what makes your partner feel cheated, not the act of sex with someone else, (though that has its own problems, such as the potential for transmission of STDs.) The problem isn't that your partner had sex with someone else, it is that your partner betrayed you by doing did it.
That same betrayal can occur without sex, for example when your partner seeks a new relationship while pretending to be faithful to your relationship.
What do you users of OKCupid think? Do you subscribe to this? Do you think differently? I'm curious to know especially if that is the case.
This seems like missing the point to me. To cheat is to deceive your partner and betray their trust in you, specifically undermining the strength of your relationship. The sense of betrayal and deception is what makes your partner feel cheated, not the act of sex with someone else, (though that has its own problems, such as the potential for transmission of STDs.) The problem isn't that your partner had sex with someone else, it is that your partner betrayed you by doing did it.
That same betrayal can occur without sex, for example when your partner seeks a new relationship while pretending to be faithful to your relationship.
What do you users of OKCupid think? Do you subscribe to this? Do you think differently? I'm curious to know especially if that is the case.
Breach of trust is cheating - it's not about the acts it about
whether those acts break a contract or not. How did you imagine
'open' relationships work?
Gaidheal commented on
I imagine open relationships have their own contracts, gaid, and
could suffer from breaches of trust as well.
renaissgirl commented on
Of course, not my point, though; if it were sex with another that
were cheating, how would those open relationships work, hmm?
Gaidheal commented on
Traiditional relationships expect both ownership and control of
each others genitalia, reproductive processes, AND the implicit
trust that comes with the intimate friendly trusted relationships.
Unfortunately the two appear to dynamically and actively clash at
times. Because one is about property and ownership, the other is
about two mutual entities forming a mutually beneficial
partnership. People are both agreeing to be friends and partners
working for each other, AND at the same time be restricting and
undermining each others procreational enterprises by undermining
and trying to own each other, control each other. The two turn out
to be opposing goals.If people knew their own nature at the time of forming a bond. Eg they knew that they were fearful of losing vested interest in a partner (jealous), but at the same time knew that they will have eyes for others sometime throughout their relationship, then they should make the bond accordingly. Prenups, discussion, premarital planning, whatever. That is, allow for divestiture, AND the wherewithal to deal with the fear of partner loss. Once such allowance is factored in, the jealousy (fears) are minimised, and the partners can actually desire/wish the best for their partner (instead of being locked in selfish jealous thoughts). Compersion might happen, and cheating, betrayal, and deception might be alleviated.
I mean, stop trying to own and control each other, and concentrate on enjoying what you used to enjoy about being with each other.
A former user commented on
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