I’m literate, dryly witty, spooky-smart, able to discuss opera, show tunes and Sirkian melodrama (while maintaining a firm but at the moment solitary grasp on my heterosexuality), fond of pulp fiction, Fifties sci-fi, Universal horror movies, cowboy music, Fellini and Ozu. Bonus points if you can identify Sirkian melodrama and Ozu off the top of your head; don’t bother cheating, my deception detector is in place and working well.

I enjoy insolence (but not discourtesy, it’s a razor’s edge) and I’ll tease you mercilessly right back, but I’m irritated by unearned deference. I’m uninterested in sports. If you pine for a guy who’ll sit there and watch the Kings and the Lakers with you – best wishes and good luck but I’m congenitally unable to oblige.

If you’re married (and not separated), forget it. I don’t commit adultery and I won’t help you do it, either.

I can be an amiable companion with a sharp wit and a protective manner. I can cook and clean for myself.

Tell me a story.

I am Sardonic, witty, and a narrative addict.

I GOT: A house, a job, a steady income, a spare tire, wide shoulders, a way with words, a full head of hair, 1000+ DVDs, 10,000 books.

I DON’T GOT: A wife, an ex-wife, a mountain of debt, any kids, any drug habits, any STDs, any tool-using skills.

Finding things on eBay, knowing trivia (ex-game show champion here).

Thick silver-black hair, inquisitive eyes, a wrestler's thick neck.

Beloved writers: Fredric Brown, Raymond Chandler, Charles Dickens, George MacDonald Fraser, H.P. Lovecraft, John D. MacDonald, Jean Shepherd, Mickey Spillane, Rex Stout, Donald Westlake.

Beloved books: Little Big Man, Bleak House, The Little Sister, The Stars My Destination, Flashman And The Redskins, The Jungle Book, One Lonely Night, Lonesome Dove, Dead Low Tide, Night Squad, Death Of A Citizen, Earthly Powers.

Favorite Movies: Children Of Paradise, Tokyo Story, Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein, The Wild Bunch, The Long Goodbye, The 5000 Fingers Of Dr. T, La Strada, Atomic Submarine, Night Moves, A Woman Without Love, Sunrise, The Magnificent Ambersons, Champagne For Caesar, The Searchers, It's Always Fair Weather, I Vitelloni, Our Hospitality, Hail The Conquering Hero, His Kind Of Woman, There's Always Tomorrow, Sullivan's Travels, Swing Time, Fanny And Alexander, Rio Bravo, Ordet, Fort Apache, The 49th Parallel, Ride The High Country, The Night Of The Hunter, Tokyo Twilight, A Canterbury Tale, Green For Danger, The Incredible Shrinking Man, Witchfinder General, The Mask Of Dimitrios, White Heat, House On Haunted Hill, Bad Day At Black Rock, The Iron Mask, Horror Of Dracula, Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan, The Seven Samurai, Summer With Monika, The Emigrants. I like to watch Hopalong Cassidy AND Ingmar Bergman. Why Not?

Favorite Actors: James Cagney, Charles Laughton, Errol Flynn, Broderick Crawford, Leo McKern, Basil Rathbone, Toshiro Mifune, William Boyd, Alastair Sim, Vincent Price, John Barrymore.

Favorite Actresses: Amanda Plummer, Setsuko Hara, Joan Crawford, Barbara Stanwyck, Clara Bow, Louise Brooks, Harriet Andersson.

Favorite TV Shows: Rumpole Of The Bailey, Dragnet, Highway Patrol, Nero Wolfe, Crime Story, Kolchak: The Night Stalker, Kojak, Downton Abbey, Deadwood, The Rockford Files.

Favorite music: Cowboy music, The Andrews Sisters, Nancy Lamott, Ethel Merman, Betty Hutton, Patti Lupone, Mozart, Puccini.

Favorite Food: Anything Italian, my home-baked bread, tiramisu, creme brulee, blueberry muffins

Favorite Places: Wyoming, Yorkshire, Dorset, Edinburgh, Sydney, Monument Valley

Favorite Artists: Charles Burchfield, Maynard Dixon, Dante Gabriel Rossetti, John Singer Sargent, Claude Monet, Chesley Bonestell, Eric Ravilious, The Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood, Lee Brown Coye.

If you can't find something in there to talk about, you must already hate me : )

The fact that okcupid.com has a delightfully high percentage of smart / cool women.

When the people who run okcupid.com tell me something private, I'll tell them something private.

While reading this profile, you thought "Hmm" more often than you thought "Weird!" or "Yeccch!"