Find better matches with our advanced
matching system

—% Match
—% Enemy


33 Austin, TX Man


I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 21–44
  • Located anywhere
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex

My details

Last online
Yesterday – 9:23pm
6′ 2″ (1.88m)
Body type
Graduated from university
Likes dogs and has cats

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
***** Special Report *****

It's May 13th, and I quit smoking cigarettes 21 days ago.

So a great big "Suck It" to: the old fat rich greasy white guys making windfall profits off my slow wreaking dirge into a casket. Kiss my blackwatch plaid nutsack goodbye, you evil fucks.

***** Special Report over now *****

Everyone's favorite planet's the sun, it's like the king of planets.

My neighborhood has been overrun by hipster doofusses ... Everywhere I look , I see dudes strutting about in skinny jeans. For shame. Your nuts would be suffocating in those things if you had any.

Because of my work, I keep some late hours. Even on my nights off. So, if you see "message received 3:30 am", don't assume I got hammered with my dude-bros, whiffed my way down the bar skank ladder & decided to hop online to throw some last minute hail marys. I love sex, but real sex takes place in the brain, not the crotch... I sent out some messages around 4am last week while I was refiling my 2012 taxes.
Surprised? I sure was.

Sex is a wet, naked version of Oneuppsmanship.

While we're at it with assumptions: Please stop assuming that, because I'm a dude, I MUST be exactly like that jerk who never learned how to play the guitar that he stole after he screwed your sister as he was shooting heroin into his eyeballs while clearing out your bank account & ruining your credit & breaking your heart into a zillion tiny pieces........ & called himself a Man......... That guy wasn't a Man, he was an asshole.

I grew up on air force bases, I've never been arrested, & my driving record is spotless.

Ladies : If you're expecting me to write you a 9 page missive detailing how awesome you are on first contact, prepare to be disappointed. I don't have that kinda time, & you're not that interesting. "Hi there" is what you get.

Stop asking me to find you cocaine. I've never done it & I never will. I have no clue where you can "score", so don't ask. I'm not judging you; I just can't help you. Don't ask.

"Numbers-Based Ego Boost" and "Ubiquitous Text Flirting" should be options under the 'What I'm Looking For' section. It might clear up alot of confusion around here.

If they don't get it, wish them well, & ignorance. Then leave them alone.

Imagine, if you will, one Al Gore. Now imagine the time he donned his enchanted, jewel-encrusted Depends brand adult undergarment, danced an ancient Indian rain dance in MS-DOS, burned a Teddy Ruxpin in effigy, ate twice his body weight in Hooters 3-Mile Island chicken titties, pimp-slapped Melanie Griffith, farted Mozart's Requiem through a didgeridoo, mercilessly kicked ass at double-dutch, and created the internet. ...... I bet the look on everyone's face was priceless.

Ladies : If your boyfriend(s) rocks the backwards baseball cap with any regularity, you have no one to blame for your relationship trainwrecks but yourself.

Sex is the inspiration behind iTunes playlists with titles like "Mr. Plow".

Ladies : Anytime you start thinking that you're the only action in town, remember that over 100 brand new, delicious, single women move to Austin every day. Step your game up.

On a personal note, someone recently flagged my South Park caricature photo for removal. To that person.. in case no one has ever said this to you.. listen very closely.. this will be good for America.. here we go:

You have way too much free time on your hands.

And you smell bad.

Flag THAT shit for removal, crybaby.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Good fucking question.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.

I work in sarcasm like other artists work in clay, or oils.

Procrastination. If it was an Olympic event ...... I'd probably put off going until the last minute, get jammed in traffic, then decide "Fuck it. I'm going to play putt-putt golf and drink a bottle of whiskey out of a paper bag in my bathrobe today". I know me. I've seen me do it.

Yearning ... I like to yearn.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My hair & my forearms .. for some reason ...
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
First & foremost : Archer may be the best written show, with the best cast, Ever.


Anything involving H. Jon Benjamin, Venture Bros., Harvey Birdman, Lucy Daughter of the Devil, Bob's Burgers,The Dude, Super Troopers, Vacation, Animal House, Star Wars, Bill Burr, Louis C.K., Mitch Hedberg, George Carlin, James Brown, Dave Grohl, John Lennon, Soul Coughing, Morphine, Fishbone, Bad Brains, Miles Davis, Stevie Wonder, Alien Knife Fight, Tchad Blake, Christopher Cross, Rick James.. there's more..
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.

Friends (real friends, not facebooky friends)



Tricking the Krogan into thinking I cured the Genophage
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
How to stop thinking so damn much.

How to respond to ladies on dipwad dating sites who think I slipped all the way thru grad school without ever learning that the sun is actually a star, not a planet. That's why it's funny, the pure ridiculousness of the idea that there is someone who DOESN'T know that.............. And you thought that this master of all idiots was me... So I say: Thank you for the sterling education, you rat-toothed shrew. But, it looks like you got some Stupid on your face.

How to stop watching old SNL Will Ferrell skits.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Perfecting my "disinterested weasel" impression on complete strangers.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Two things:

1) If I stopped shaving the hair on the front & back of my neck, I'm afraid it would eventually connect & create a hair turtleneck, or "hairtleneck". Just like Pangea, except different.. and with neck hair.

2) I can only achieve orgasm while running at a full sprint.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You know which author coined the phrase "buy the ticket, take the ride", and, if you aren't in the habit of throwing people into categories, so they may be more easily referenced. Some of us don't fit in any of the category templates, and some more of us flat out refuse to be easily referenced.

On a personal note : I've met a handful of cool people because of okc, but a vast majority of you are completely fucked in the head. Sorry, but you should not be doing anything that might result in procreation. Ever.

Goooood luck out there.