It's May 13th, and I quit smoking cigarettes 21 days ago.
So a great big "Suck It" to: the old fat rich greasy white guys making windfall profits off my slow wreaking dirge into a casket. Kiss my blackwatch plaid nutsack goodbye, you evil fucks.
***** Special Report over now *****
Everyone's favorite planet's the sun, it's like the king of planets.
My neighborhood has been overrun by hipster doofusses ... Everywhere I look , I see dudes strutting about in skinny jeans. For shame. Your nuts would be suffocating in those things if you had any.
Because of my work, I keep some late hours. Even on my nights off. So, if you see "message received 3:30 am", don't assume I got hammered with my dude-bros, whiffed my way down the bar skank ladder & decided to hop online to throw some last minute hail marys. I love sex, but real sex takes place in the brain, not the crotch... I sent out some messages around 4am last week while I was refiling my 2012 taxes.
Surprised? I sure was.
Sex is a wet, naked version of Oneuppsmanship.
While we're at it with assumptions: Please stop assuming that, because I'm a dude, I MUST be exactly like that jerk who never learned how to play the guitar that he stole after he screwed your sister as he was shooting heroin into his eyeballs while clearing out your bank account & ruining your credit & breaking your heart into a zillion tiny pieces........ & called himself a Man......... That guy wasn't a Man, he was an asshole.
I grew up on air force bases, I've never been arrested, & my driving record is spotless.
Ladies : If you're expecting me to write you a 9 page missive detailing how awesome you are on first contact, prepare to be disappointed. I don't have that kinda time, & you're not that interesting. "Hi there" is what you get.
Stop asking me to find you cocaine. I've never done it & I never will. I have no clue where you can "score", so don't ask. I'm not judging you; I just can't help you. Don't ask.
"Numbers-Based Ego Boost" and "Ubiquitous Text Flirting" should be options under the 'What I'm Looking For' section. It might clear up alot of confusion around here.
If they don't get it, wish them well, & ignorance. Then leave them alone.
Imagine, if you will, one Al Gore. Now imagine the time he donned his enchanted, jewel-encrusted Depends brand adult undergarment, danced an ancient Indian rain dance in MS-DOS, burned a Teddy Ruxpin in effigy, ate twice his body weight in Hooters 3-Mile Island chicken titties, pimp-slapped Melanie Griffith, farted Mozart's Requiem through a didgeridoo, mercilessly kicked ass at double-dutch, and created the internet. ...... I bet the look on everyone's face was priceless.
Ladies : If your boyfriend(s) rocks the backwards baseball cap with any regularity, you have no one to blame for your relationship trainwrecks but yourself.
Sex is the inspiration behind iTunes playlists with titles like "Mr. Plow".
Ladies : Anytime you start thinking that you're the only action in town, remember that over 100 brand new, delicious, single women move to Austin every day. Step your game up.
On a personal note, someone recently flagged my South Park caricature photo for removal. To that person.. in case no one has ever said this to you.. listen very closely.. this will be good for America.. here we go:
You have way too much free time on your hands.
And you smell bad.
Flag THAT shit for removal, crybaby.