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hangnail3000

36 M Austin, TX

My Details

Last Online
Today – 2:46pm
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
Other
Height
6′ 2″ (1.88m)
Body Type
Athletic
Diet
Smokes
Drinks
Drugs
Religion
Sign
Education
Graduated from university
Job
Income
Relationship Status
Single
Relationship Type
Offspring
Pets
Likes dogs and has cats
Speaks
English

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My self-summary
***** Special Report *****

It's May 13, 2013, and I quit smoking cigarettes 21 days ago.

So a great big "Suck It" to: the old fat rich white guys making windfall profits off my slow, wreaking dirge into a casket. Kiss my Scottish ass goodbye, you evil fucks.

***** Special Report over now *****

Everyone's favorite planet's the sun, it's like the king of planets.

My neighborhood has been overrun by hipster doofusses ... Everywhere I look , I see dudes strutting about in skinny jeans. For shame. Your nuts would be suffocating in those things if you had any.

Because of my work, I keep some late hours. Even on my nights off. So, if you see "message received 3:30 am", don't assume I got hammered with my dude-bros, whiffed my way down the bar skank ladder & decided to hop online to throw some last minute hail marys. I love sex, but real sex takes place in the brain, not the crotch... I sent out some messages around 4am last week while I was refiling my 2010 taxes.
Surprised? I sure was.

Sex is just a wet, naked version of Oneuppsmanship.

While we're at it with assumptions: Please stop assuming that, because I'm a man, I MUST be exactly like that jerk who never learned how to play the guitar that he stole after he screwed your sister as he was shooting heroin into his eyeballs while clearing out your bank account & ruining your credit & breaking your heart into a zillion tiny pieces... & called himself a man. That guy wasn't a man, he was an asshole. Just sayin'.

I grew up on air force bases, I've never been arrested, & my driving record is spotless.

Stop asking me to find you cocaine. I've never done it & I never will. I have no clue where you can "score", so don't ask... But, I'm not judging; Whatever floats your boat.

"Impersonal, Numbers Based Ego Boost" and "Pointless Text Flirting To No Forseeable Ends" should be options under the 'What I'm Looking For' section on here. It might clear up alot of confusion.

If they don't get it, wish them well, & ignorance. Then leave them alone.

Imagine, if you will, one Al Gore. Now imagine the time he donned his enchanted, jewel-encrusted Depends brand Adult Undergarment, danced an ancient indian rain dance in MS-DOS, burned a Teddy Ruxpin in effigy, ate him a mess of Hooters chicken wangs, farted Mozart's Requiem through a didgeridoo, kicked ass at Double-Dutch, and created the internet. ...... I bet the look on everyone's face was priceless.

On a personal note, someone recently flagged my South Park caricature photo for removal. To that person.. in case no one has ever said this to you.. listen very closely.. this will be good for America.. here we go:

You have way too much free time on your hands.

And you smell bad.

Flag THAT shit for removal, crybaby.
What I’m doing with my life
Good fucking question.
I’m really good at
Weird.

I work in sarcasm like other artists work in clay, or oils.

Procrastination. If it was an Olympic event ...... I'd probably put off going until the last minute, get jammed in traffic, then decide "Fuck it. I'm going to play putt-putt golf and drink a bottle of whiskey out of a paper bag in my bathrobe today". I know me. I've seen me do it.

Yearning ... I like to yearn.
The first things people usually notice about me
My hair & my forearms .. for some reason ...
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
First & foremost : Archer may be the best written show, with the best cast, Ever.

Ever.

Anything involving H. Jon Benjamin, Venture Bros., Harvey Birdman, Lucy Daughter of the Devil, Bob's Burgers,The Dude, Super Troopers, Vacation, Animal House, Star Wars, Bill Burr, Louis C.K., Mitch Hedberg, George Carlin, James Brown, Dave Grohl, John Lennon, Soul Coughing, Morphine, Fishbone, Bad Brains, Miles Davis, Stevie Wonder, Alien Knife Fight, Tchad Blake, Christopher Cross, Rick James.. there's more..
The six things I could never do without
Family

Friends (real friends, not facebooky friends)

Luck

Wit

Tricking the Krogan into thinking I cured the Genophage
I spend a lot of time thinking about
How to stop thinking so damn much.

How to respond to people on dipwad dating sites who think I slipped all the way thru grad school without ever learning that the sun is actually a star, not a planet. That's why it's funny, the pure ridiculousness of the idea that there is someone who DOESN'T know that... and you thought that this master of all idiots was me... So I say: Thanks for the education, Professor; but it looks like the stupid's on you.

How to stop watching old SNL Will Ferrell skits.
On a typical Friday night I am
Perfecting my "disinterested weasel" impression on complete strangers.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Two things:

1) If I stopped shaving the hair on the front & back of my neck, I'm afraid it would eventually connect & create a hair turtleneck, or "hairtleneck". Just like Pangea, except different.. and with neck hair.

2) I can only achieve orgasm while running at a full sprint.
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 23–45
  • Near me
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating
You should message me if
You know which author coined the phrase "buy the ticket, take the ride", and, if you aren't in the habit of throwing people into categories, so they may be more easily referenced. Some of us don't fit in any of the category templates, and some more of us flat out refuse to be easily referenced.

On a personal note : I've met a handful of cool people because of okc, but a vast majority of you are completely fucked in the head. Sorry, but you should not be doing anything that might result in procreation. Ever.

Goooood luck out there.