***** Special Report *****

It's May 13, 2013, and I quit smoking cigarettes 21 days ago.

So a great big "Suck It" to: the old fat rich white guys making windfall profits off my slow, wreaking dirge into a casket. Kiss my Scottish ass goodbye, you evil fucks.

***** Special Report concluded *****

I'm a professional drummer; and my favorite planet's the sun, it's like the king of planets.

Because of my work, I keep some late hours. Even on my nights off. So, if you see "message received 3:30 am", don't assume I got hammered with my dude-bros, whiffed my way down the bar skank ladder & decided to hop online to throw some last minute hail marys. I love sex, but real sex takes place in the brain, not the crotch... I sent out some messages around 4am last week while I was refiling my 2010 taxes.
Surprised? I sure was.

While we're at it with assumptions: Please stop assuming that, because I'm a musician, I MUST be exactly like that jerk who never learned how to play the guitar that he stole after he screwed your sister as he was shooting heroin into his eyeballs while clearing out your bank account & ruining your credit & breaking your heart into a zillion tiny pieces... & called himself a musician. That guy wasn't a musician, he was an asshole. I'm not him.

I grew up on air force bases, I've never been arrested, & my driving record is spotless.

Stop asking me to find you cocaine. I've never done it & I never will. I have no idea where you can "score", so don't ask... But, let me stress, I'm not judging; Whatever floats your boat.

On a personal note, someone recently flagged my South Park caricature photo for removal. To that person.. in case no one has ever said this to you.. listen very closely.. this will be good for America.. here we go:

You have way too much free time on your hands.

And you smell bad.

Flag THAT shit for removal, crybaby.

Playing my drums & staring at my favorite planet.

Drums
Oddness
Sarcasm
Jambalya
Abiding
.............

My hair & my forearms. Not even joking.

The Dude, Super Troopers, Vacation, Animal House, Star Wars, Louis C.K., Mitch Hedberg, George Carlin, James Brown, Dave Grohl, John Lennon, Soul Coughing, Morphine, Fishbone, Bad Brains, Miles Davis, Stevie Wonder, Alien Knife Fight, Tchad Blake, Christopher Cross, Rick James.. there's more..

Family

Friends (real friends, not facebooky friends)

Drums

Luck

Wit

Tricking the Krogan into thinking I cured the Genophage

How to stop thinking so damn much.

How to respond to people on dipwad dating sites who think I slipped all the way thru grad school without ever learning that the sun is actually a star, not a planet. That's why it's funny, the pure ridiculousness of the idea that there is someone who DOESN'T know that... and you thought that this master of all idiots was me... So I say: Thanks for the education, Professor; but it looks like the stupid's on you.

How to stop watching old SNL Will Ferrell skits.

Perfecting my "disinterested weasel" impression on complete strangers.

Two things:

1) If I stopped shaving the hair on the front & back of my neck, I'm afraid it would eventually connect & create a hair turtleneck, or "hairtleneck". Just like Pangea, except different.. and with neck hair.

2) I can only achieve orgasm while running at a full sprint.

You know which author coined the phrase "buy the ticket, take the ride", and, if you aren't in the habit of throwing people into categories, so they may be more easily referenced. Some of us don't fit in any of the category templates, and some more of us flat out refuse to be easily referenced.

On a personal note : I've met a handful of cool people because of okc, but a vast majority of you are completely fucked in the head. Sorry, but you should not be doing anything that might result in procreation. Ever.
Goooood luck out there.