i'm a bitty bat.

before you go any further, please read my "you should message me if" section. please. pretty please.

by the way, i absolutely never, EVER rate profiles. if you're one of those people who rates highly then waits to see if i'll rate back to see if you should even talk to me, please note that you'll be waiting forever.

i spend most of my time knitting, watching adult swim, and infiltrating suburbia with my husband, cat, dog, and small army of rats.

i confuse people because i'm equally likely to be listening to petula clark, dr. hook, anthrax, or suicidal tendencies at any given time.

i've had a crush on axl rose since i was 5. i still think his white trash ass is hot, even with the crappy plastic surgery. i also have a (serious) crush on freddy krueger. there is possibly no accounting for my taste.

i've got ink and piercings, and a pair of steel toed boots that are over a decade old that i still wear nearly daily. i also still sleep with my stuffed lion i've had for 23 years. i'm happier in the kitchen making dinner or on the sofa making things with yarn than i ever am anywhere else. i'm one of those metal-and-ink homebodies.

i'm a "buy a new sectional sofa and a 95 volvo, then brutally take over the planet with angry robots and my vast armory of assault rifles and shotguns" kind of girl. you will all fall before me, unless i pick you to be in my harem. then you will still fall before me... just in a more pleasant way.

i will be perfectly honest here: i am a lazy indoors kind of thing. i don't mind laying around the backyard with my dog on a really nice day, but i haven't had a tan in 15 years and i find actual outdoor activities to be an incredibly rude interruption of an otherwise nice lay about the backyard. or park. so if you're really, completely into camping/cycling/hiking/whatever, oh, we can still make great chat buddies but please don't ever expect me to ever want to go along.

i believe in: gun rights, gay rights, abortion rights. i am a gun owner, and i'm one of those "guns don't kill people, people kill people" and "if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns" kind of assholes. if walking into someone's house and seeing a shotgun or pistol laying around would bother you down to your core, you should probably toddle on. if you believe that gay people are wrong, sinful, or somehow not equal in any way to straight people, -please- toddle the fuck on. and if you think all fetii must be saved because abortion is murder, we can probably never get along. in my opinion it is, in point of fact, a choice - not a child.

and i'm a fucking sucker for hair metal and power ballads.

working on the house. working on work. knitting hats for penii. you know. the usual.

...also i fight crime in sequined nightgowns and have a spider named percy.

being a housewife.

this is something you may well not like about me. i usually make most feminists scream and tear their hair out, but that's like my litmus tests for feminists. if you preach and scream and stomp and snort about how women should be free to be women any way they want to be women, just as long as we're -equal- and then you turn around and drool venom at me because i'm happiest doing my husband's laundry? guess what? you're a hypocrite.

here is the way this works: sure, i've got piercings and ink. sure, i wear steel toed boots and iron maiden shoes. sure, i dye my hair green, orange, whatever colour i think suits me at the moment. but i still have all the spirit of the obscene love child of june cleaver and betty crocker. i don't buy into this "good little wife" ideal because "that's how women should be" or any other bullshit that comes from gender stereotypes. i buy into it because, honestly, i find soul-completing satisfaction from taking care of the people i love. i could give a shit if it's a man or a woman, i've had long term relationships with both genders, and some genders in between, and i'm equally subservient and deferential to all. it's not because you're a MAN and i'm a WOMAN, it's not because you're my PARTNER and you OWN ME, and it sure as fuck isn't because you deserve this level of adoration because YOU ARE A GOD... it's because i'm happiest taking care of people i love. so if you hold still long enough, i'll do your laundry, cook you dinner, service you sexually, wash your hair in the shower, hold that same hair back while you puke, and be waiting when you come home with a cocktail in heels and pearls asking "how was your day, dear?" i do that because i'm happiest doing that.

and if that made you shudder, vomit, want to punch yourself (or me) in the face, or ponder suicide, just move on now.

i got really sick of seeing profiles that said something like "i dunno, you'd have to ask them, har har" in this box. so you know what? i DID ask them - which is an idea i stole from my beloved mariabat. and here is what they said:

maria: how sexy you are

max: general answer would be your face... but which specific feature will take some thinking. of course, you made sure to draw attention to your tits shortly thereafter :-)

shannon: your willingness not to just dismiss me as batshit. of course, then i realized that was only because you were just as batshit, and we just got along. in person it was totally being overwhelmed by the force of your personality. 'cause you're awesome.

andrew: yo ass. actually, the first time i was you was in a picture, so it was probably your hair. but then when i met you, it was yo ass.

george: That would be the sexually graphic depictions of whatever it was that you were talking about. That was the most noticable. I didn't mind btw. Just in case that wasn't clear. Second thing I noticed was the unmoving stubbornness. "This is what I believe, and fuck y'all if you don't agree." And thirdly. I remember your tits. Fourthly. It is awesome that I can say "tits" to you without you getting offended. :)

sean: online- would be your wit. in person, hmmm...probably the same

willy: Shaved head and drug problem. About the same time.
(...whoops. i keep forgetting willy met me once, briefly, back when i had...er...a shaved head and a drug problem. that about sums up those years. so i asked him what he remembered when he met me later, when i was sober and sane.)
willy: Nipple ring I could see the outline of through ratty metal band t-shirt.

nadia: when i saw you at the airport i noticed you were a small person next to a larger person, so i have forever categorised you as "small" :P

adam: er, probably a combination of hair and cute face, along with eccentric yet somehow cohesive style in dress and accessories. followed by your boobies, as i believe they were in my face at the time.
me: this is beginning to seriously crack me up. most of the responses i've gotten have mentioned my tits.
adam: well, lets face it. Some people greet people with a handshake, you greet people by showing them boobies.

so, apparently, people notice that i am small, friendly, accepting, and witty with a great rack, and a sweet ass.

and love of god, please don't take this as an invitation to message me about my tits. yeah, i get it. tits tits tits, that's apparently everyone's impression of me. however, i only whip the girls out around people i'm actually comfortable with. some stranger leering at me from the intertubes because he somehow CANNOT read far enough to discover i'm not looking for someone to fuck? i'm not comfortable with you! no tits for you! go away.

at home. there is fuck all to do in dallas other than go clubbing and frankly, the booze at my house is better and cheaper, the music is less migrane inducing, and the company is way nicer. all that, and i don't even have to bother with makeup. hot damn.

i don't have anything really private. i make a habit of not keeping any secrets. i'm one of those "if you might not want to know the answer to your question, maybe you shouldn't ask it - cause i'll answer it in more detail than you ever wanted to think about" kind of people.

you are bored, you want a friend, you are willing to message me first. sorry, i'd love to lie and say i'm a badass who shamelessly messages first, but it's just not true. i assume that if you didn't message me, it's because you didn't want to talk to me so i shouldn't bother you.

so if you actually want to talk to me...do it.

also, i feel i should clarify here, as apparently just my existence on this website is misleading to people. i am in a solidly monogamous pairing right now. i am not looking for another person, couple, or group to add to my marriage, i am not looking for another person, couple, or group to go do things with behind my husband's back.

however, seeing as i have been contacted multiple times asking if i'm looking for something described in the above paragraph, i think maybe i should put up this clarification.

friends only, pretty please.

thank you. :)