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28 Columbia, MO Man


I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 21–35
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating

My details

Last online
Yesterday – 8:43pm
5′ 11″ (1.80m)
Body type
Mostly vegetarian
Leo, but it doesn’t matter
Doesn’t have kids
Likes dogs
English (Fluently), Spanish (Poorly)

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My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
The slinky is a toy, this much is true but it is important to note that the slinky has more fascinating attributes than many people realize. The slinky has been used in experiments with NASA as a conductor, it has been a child's joyous entertainment (and has filled even the most wrinkled and experienced of children with a small sense of wonder), it has traversed the most gravity inclined terrain the world over, not to mention flights of stairs that would make even the most talented of stiletto's wobble with uneasy woe. It's design itself is implicit of the triumph of 20th century man and it has certainly earned it's place in the campiest of science fiction. Richard and Betty James, mankind thanks you for your contribution to our endeavor and don't forget to give a little nudge if it stops on the last step. That last jump is the big one.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Working amongst the taboo and utterly titillating. Selling to the curious and the lonely a dose of excitement and simultaneous despair. Excel spreadsheets and morning tea. Giant rubber cocks and the most naughty and divine of the loveliest of lady parts. Magazines and scenes on screen. Lights camera action only devious devils could conjure and angels could never fathom...but they can have a dirty dream if they so dare. Sales of the silliest of variety. Retail for the ridiculous and management for those lucky enough to be enamored with the absurd and make it serious.

My day-to-day: awake, be, do, fail, repeat. Awake, be, do, eliminate failure, fail again, repeat. Awake, be, do, succeed, fail, learn, repeat. Somewhere in all of this I check my e-mail. I succeed. I fail. I learn. I repeat.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Laughing at the wrong moments, talking really fast, using proper diction and annunciation, discussing at great length the most boring topics you could ever imagine for what seems like years, collecting small pieces of string to tie them to each other to create longer pieces of string, untying said string and starting over due to certain knots refusing to be as perfect as the other knots, drinking water, sneaking flasks of whiskey into bars so I can make my own drinks, listening to great music, watching great films, watching terrible films and completely loving it, making coffee, stealing things from your apartment while you are asleep and writing the longest run-on sentences you have ever seen. If I find a bunch of little red marks all over my profile I will hunt you down.

I don't really know what I'm good at. I hate ending a sentence in a preposition. That's going to drive me absolutely pink panther panties nuts...

Okay, anyway...moving on.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
"Is that you producing that obnoxious odor?" she asks.
Sniffing himself without being conscious of the action he replies.
"It is me. I don't even know why I took that cadavers jacket, I was already wearing one."
She stares at him deeply with longing in her eyes. Moments pass as the tension rises to a frenzy between two interwoven and immortally connected souls.
"Can I have that jacket?" she asks, smiling seductively and never losing eye contact.
He meets her gaze right back. "No. Its mine, get your own dead guy jacket."
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I don't own a television and don't really feel like answering this simply because it will absorb too much of my time.

I love to read. I love food. I love movies. I think music is the best thing mankind has ever invented. It has yet to kill anyone.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Life Sustaining Atmosphere
Fresh Water
Dry Land
Food/multiple varieties
Perhaps I will need a pointy stick but that is entirely relative to the climate and the availability of year round fruit producing trees. I suppose I could start some sort of agricultural plan but I am assuming I am all on my own here, and since I have no God like Pharoh to impress, I'm just going to runaround naked and pick fruit. If I happen to get my hands on a really nice stick, I may try my hand at hunting easy to kill wildlife. And of course I'm still naked in this scenario.

Hmmm, I may also need a mate. Masturbating in a cave is going to get boring. Plus who is going to tell me how horrible I am at hunting, gathering, love making, intimacy, cleaning, kissing, hygiene and masturbating in my cave?

I may also need some clothing. Its cold inside the cave.

I need a lot of stuff. Surviving on only 6 items is more difficult than I initially imagined. Looking back at this, I may just let myself die. I'm really high maintenance.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
This: The Flintstones obviously domesticated dinosaurs but yet never utilized them to pull their cars in the fashion of a horse and buggy. Instead they used their own feet to propel themselves around Rock Town and whatnot. I know we are supposed to believe they are cavemen, but isn't that just a little far fetched?
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Honestly I usually go grocery shopping and do laundry. Trust me, it's as riveting as it sounds.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
You'll have to buy me dinner first. And seriously, you have to pay. I'm a very liberated feminist.

However..........For your amusement I have decided to tell you horribly embarrassing things about myself.

Every time I watch "Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey" I cry. When Sassy and Chance come over the hill and Shadow doesn't, I cry harder than a little girl who just discovered that unicorns eat puppies. Puppies make the horn shiny.

I am highly aroused by Gadget from the children's television cartoon show "Rescue Rangers." I will not offer an explanation for this.

I drool, constantly. I have to keep a small towel in my back pocket. It looks as though I have ass padding. I don't, its my drool rag.

More than once I have walked into walls trying to appear cool and aloof. I cry every time this happens.

I peed my pants in first grade. I told no one. I cried.

I was once kicked off the bus for forcing a girl to show me her panties. I would like to say I was a small child when this occurred. I wasn't. This happened in the last 90 days. The bus driver yelled at me and kicked me off the bus. I cried. Then uploaded the video I took on my iPhone to YouTube.

Ok, that last one was a lie. I don't have an iPhone....

I probably need an attorney.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You actually read this profile (congratulations, you can read. I would award you a gold star but I'm not really all that impressed), you can spell, you had fun reading this, you understand why that Flintstones reference was both rational and absurd, you know how to change a flat tire, you have even a remote interest in knowing the man behind the profile, you don't type "lol" every other word, you're literate, you shower, you have teeth, you know how to set the clock on my stove top (Seriously, this is driving me crazy...), you've ever been moved to tears by The Simpsons, you can carry on a whole conversation without staring at the hand held screen in your hand, you can avoid said handheld screen for the entire meal and you are picking up the check, right?

Despite what you've read here, I'm honestly a somewhat normal human being.

You should message me. I wrote every word of this just so you could read it. I would hate to think you've wasted all this effort reading this only to click away the endeavor of our collective efforts.