But I -really- -really- -really- don't like you.

I can, will, and do keep my head above.

Welcome to the world, new Holly.

Today is the day I change. Today is the day my attitude becomes more positive and my smile more contagious. Today is the day I change my outer and inner beauty into something I can be more proud of.

is a bitch. It really, really is.

Because of my panic disorder, I've lost dates. I've lost boyfriends. I've lost friends. 

Let me explain. 

When I have a panic attack, I feel like my heart is jumping out of my chest. I feel like I am seriously dying. I sob. I have terrible thoughts. And I really just would rather die then continue to feel the attack. It's hard to feel anything but helpless, seemingly life ending pain. It sounds over dramatic, and well... it is. That's kind of the nature of a panic attack, in all reality. It's your body being overly dramatic to something that it shouldn't be. But I can't help it. It isn't my fault. They just happen.

When I'm in an attack and I'm by myself, the first thing I do is reach for the phone. I need to call someone, I need to know that there is life outside of the panic. I generally call the person who is first in my text message inbox or recent calls. And believe me, afterwards, I am so embarrassed I want to die. It's humiliating. One of my worst fears is having a panic attack in public, but it's also having a panic attack alone, when no one is there to help me out. 

And as I said before, I have lost dates, boyfriends, and friends because of these phone calls. I know one day I'll find someone that will be able to and will be willing to deal with it. But for right now, it just sucks because I can't get a date. And even if I can get one, I can't keep one.

But seriously... if you felt like you were dying, wouldn't you want someone to talk to, too?

I'm kinda sorta depressed. I don't know how to get out of this slump.

that rootbeer floats may be perfect.

Then I really need to get to writing that 8 page paper.

Yuck.

I'm such a procrastinator.

It's like masturbation. In the end, I'm fucking myself.

be al ittle drunk

oooopsssasss

The concert was intense and I had SUCH a great time.

I felt like I was going to get trampled a few times, but luckily my friend Colin was there with me to keep me a float :D 

but I'm not.

Why, you may ask? Because, really, I feel like... there is really no need.