Come to my place and give me a prostate massage, and I'll buy you a medium pizza, up to three toppings! (No olives, mushrooms or anchovies). Only good through October or until someone actually sticks their finger in my ass. Hurry! Offer Ends Soon!***
So, let's start with this...If you think gay people should not be allowed to get married, fuck off, right now. You're an asshole and I hope you get dragged by a truck. I mean it. Anyways...
BTW...If you think that the Earth is 6000 years old, read a fucking book. For Fuck's sake, even if you believe in god - which makes as much sense as believing in the Easter Bunny - the scientific evidence is SOOO against you. Just give it up, and admit that evolution is real. You can even say that "God" invented evolution, if that makes you feel good. Just stop being a moron. Because...you're really cute, and I would totally fuck you if you weren't so stupid.
And another thing...
Q: You know why women don't need to wear watches?
A: There's a clock right there on the stove.
Oh, and another thing...
Really? You love to laugh? Wow, how completely out the realm of normal human behavior. Me? I hate to laugh. Having fun and enjoying myself and being entertained are just complete repulsions. Look, I'm sure you're a perfectly nice girl/woman/chick/person. But, if you think it's necessary to put in your profile that you love to laugh...god, I don't even know what to say. You're a moron. You're probably the same girl/woman/chick/person who put in your 'Six things you can't do without," "Oxygen, Water, Sunlight, Food, Lip Gloss. Oh that's only five things! I'll post my one more thing after I douche." Seriously, EVERYBODY LOVES TO LAUGH. It is part of the human experience. For fuck's sake: take that out of your profile.
And another thing...If you think a woman's right to choose is limited to what she cooks for dinner, fuck off. Seriously. I mean, YOU'RE a woman. How could you not care about yourself and your self-determination? Do you really think a bunch of fucked up old white dudes in Washington and/or the Bible know what's best for you? Well, maybe not "Fuck off." Maybe "I pity you," is more like it. Nah...I was right the first time. Fuck off.
I am Self-Absorbed, Neurotic and Demanding.
***Okay...what the fuck is the deal with the "rape fantasy" question. I'm not making any judgement here, but EVERY SINGLE chick says, yeah, let's do the rape fantasy thing. I mean, as long as everyone's on board and no one gets hurt, hey, knock yourselves out. Hell, I'll try it. I just don't think I have that kind of aggressive energy in me. I'm just really surprised at the number of chicks (all of them that I've seen, to be exact) who'd be down for it. I actually dated a chick who, several years prior, had been raped. Like, for real. And she was fairly damaged. So the idea of a rape fantasy is, I don't know, just kinda weird to me. Can some kind-hearted chick message me and tell me what's the deal? Seriously, I'm curious.***
So, a lot of kind women have written and explained the rape fantasy thing to me. Thanks, I appreciate it. BUT...I think maybe "rape fantasy" is *totally* different from "Take me. Take me hard. You can do whatever you want." I get the spirit of the question; I probably would have worded it differently. Okay, I'm done being gay now.
Q: You know why women don't have brains?
A: They don't have a penis to keep it in.
I have updated my profile to include "Casual Sex" as a "Looking for" thing. I'm kinda gay, in that I'm actually looking for a relationship. For real. But hell, if you just wanna fuck, okay by me.
So, it says in my details that I dislike dogs. That's not entirely true. I like dogs like I like kids: Okay to visit, don't want any of my own. The truth? I like dogs okay, I am just not interested in having dogs in my life. They bark, they're needy, and you have to pick up dog feces. ALL THE TIME. Now, I suppose that if Zooey Deschanel (She's dreamy. Is it okay for a guy to use, "dreamy"? In 2012?) propositioned me to be her boyfriend, and she had a snippy little Shitzu or something, I could probably be persuaded to overlook my "No Dogs" rule. Anyways, the point is: You may be a completely lovely person, but if you have a dog(s), meh, I'm probably not the droid you're looking for.
It also says in my details that I'm thin, which I basically am. But goddamn if it isn't getting harder to keep this little belly off! Fuck you, belly!
And here's something I've noticed: One of the questions here is "If you were going to have a child, would you want the other parent to be of the same ethnicity as you?" I'm really surprised at the number of women who answer "Yes" to this. I think these are all the same women who are "...bothered by racist jokes." So, what's the deal? You don't make fun of blacks, but no fucking way are you gonna let one touch you? Just something I've noticed...
Oh, and ANOTHER thing I've noticed: Every single chick who's answered the "All's fair in love and war" question has said "True." Really? Would some kind woman/women explain that to me? Like, really, what does that mean? Does it mean "Well, sure honey, I fucked your best friend, but I LOVE you, so deal with it. Because, you know what they say..."? Seriously, what does "All's fair in love and war" mean to you? 'Cause I answered "False." Maybe I'm misinterpreting the saying.
Huh. Apparently, I am the only person on OKCupid - possibly on the entire planet - that has an ex that I wish wasn't an ex. Really? No one has one that got away? That broke their heart? That they thought would last forever? Just me? Well, okay then. And, no, it's not baggage. And, no, I won't compare you to her. It's just someone I think about occasionally with fondness. Shit, did I just get real for a second? Momentary lapse; it won't happen again. Promise.
Ya know, some chick on here was questioning what "short-term dating" is/means (I forget who). And I was like, Yeah! That's always bugged me, too! What the fuck is short-term dating? Is it like "This is going really well, but, 3 months is my limit."?