i can't believe they call these essays. talk about polishing a turd. anyways... im complicated. shouldn't i be? simple isn't fun. i will be a challenge, but i will also be an awesome reward. i promise you this, you'll never meet another like me. my nearest and dearest describe me as random, off-the-wall, loyal, empathetic, bullshit co-signer, bratty, rolls the perfect joint, perpetual pessimist, eats all the cookies when your not looking, and my personal favorite, walter sobchek trapped in a little blonde girl. I drink. I smoke. I cuss. Basically, i am a surly little shit. But believe it or not, i also have a sweet, gooey, girly side.

UPDATE: moving soon. so, lick my butthole, cincinnati. currently working toward my masters in library science, and i work part-time at the public library. I would tell you which one, but you'd prolly just stalk me. I also spend a significant amount of time being fuckin awesome.

making smart-assed comments, ordering pizza while stoned, detecting bullshit, quoting movies at inappropriate times, cooking, not giving a fuck what you think, trivia, listening without judging, impersonating billy bob thornton from sling blade, being a mean drunk, reading a book and becoming so invested and enveloped in the story that i'm truly sad when it's finished, secret handshakes, weezin the juice, crying at grey's anatomy, taking naps, and crosswords, cuz sudoku is for rain men.

my dimples, the fact that my eyes are so dark brown they are almost black, and my fake boobs. but probably not in that order. as for the first thing i notice about you... your beard is disgusting. its not cute. its not cool. its not ironic. there is nothing hip about having your face look like a '70s vagina.... people have told me my profile is intimidating. i find that funny. i fit in a fucking dryer. i'm harmless. maybe you should nut up.

movies- the big lebowski, mallrats, good will hunting, dog day afternoon, step-brothers, whatever happened to baby jane?, and the shawshank redemption. t.v- squidbillies, trailer park boys, and most anything shitty reality-related. dont judge me. bands- social distortion, the ramones, lucero, violent femmes, nofx, operation ivy, the queers, sloppy seconds, hank williams jr. authors- janet evanovich, shel silverstein, dorothy allison, chuck palahnuik, sarah dessen. food- bacon, chocolate milkshakes, cheetos, gravy. booze- jameson, sailor jerry, & maker's mark.

1. Crunchy cheetos. Because puffy ones.... Uh yeah.
2. Woody harrelson. "i'm not that good at goodbyes, so... Uh, that'll do pig."
3. Snuggling. Im usually the little spoon, but im an equal opportunity spooner. Sometimes even the big guys need to be nestled and nuzzled.
4. Vibrators.
5. High fives.
6. Kenny fucking Powers. "There is no 'i' in team. But there is a 'u' in cunt. So don't be jealous little cunts." Effin A, Ken. words to live by.
7. Fuck you, okcupid. You don't run me!
8.Bob Ross
9.Q-tips (ear orgasms!)

how to stop thinking about the things i spend too much time thinking about. And if i have swallowed too much gum. And how come none of the chicks on the walking dead ever need tampons.

drinking my way to at least a brown-out. or reading. both are equally pleasurable to me. and usually at some point in the wee hours of the morning, drunk me buys sober me presents on amazon. yayyyyyy surprises!

1. I smoke. And i don't plan on quitting. 2. I pretend to be a guy on xbox live. it keeps the french perverts away. 3. i once knowingly and willfully pissed in the sporting goods section of Big Lots. Bathrooms for employees only, my ass. 4. i will bake you cookies if you don't feel well.

If none of your pictures include you wearing a shirt, we are done here. oh yeah, and dont bother messaging me if you havent filled out your profile. if i can take the time to write dumbass comments for all to see, so can you. lazy ass. and if somewhere in your profile, you say "i don't watch tv, but some shows i watch are...", really, Derps Magillicutty? what kind of shows might those be? book shows? no. tv shows. you are a hipster idiot and i hate you. Also, if im interested in you, im going to want to have an actual conversation, on the phone before i meet you. If that terrifies you, because you'd prefer to text forever like a 14yr old junior high cheerleader, then dont bother. but if you're smart, and funny, and have an adorable face, please do bother. pleeeease bother.