Alright team, first things first: I'm not looking for a romantic relationship - I have one (an amazing guy I met on here, actually) and am not looking for anything beyond friendship. An aside, ladies, my friend and former boyfriend, excarpetbagger, is a catch. If you live in the Bay Area, snatch his ass up before somebody else does... just don't expect flowers, it's not his way.

Sorry, like I was saying, I'm just here for friends. Seriously. If you message me and I see on your profile that you're "LoOOKiNG FOR TRUE LOVE AnD CAN'T FIND IT OH GOD WHY?!" then I'm blocking your ass.

If you're still reading this, congrats, you've passed the first test! Try to keep up, be mindful of the wayward sphinxes and bludgers, and watch your step.

I just moved to New Orleans, where I've wanted to live since I was nine, and I could not be happier. I spent the last year and a half in Brooklyn and, needless to say, I'm not built for the mayhem and impersonal nature of a mega-metropolis. I'm hoping that my stint up north will cause potential employers to throw jobs at me because I am now rife with street cred, moxie, and an "I don't take shit from anyone" attitude - little do they know I was born with that stuff - but, if not, there's always strip joints.

Christ, I've missed trees.

Oh, trees! See, I'm originally from the south (NC by way of TX) - a magical land of sprawling oaks and magnolias (and now sprawling cityscapes) - though much to the shock of my yankee comrades, I defy the stereotype. For instance, I didn't grow up on a farm. I can read, I like black people, and I don't chew tobacco. While I love (and demand) chivalry, I'm not a dainty belle and can fend well enough for myself... but you'd better open my fucking door. I say "y'all," "ma'am," and "sir," but I lack the banjos-and-buttermilk accent. Oh, and I'm reeeeal friendly - to some in NY, almost jarringly so - and those that think rudeness is acceptable, may politely kiss my ass.

Now, don't worry, just because I was raised in Red territory doesn't mean that I voted for Bush or McCain - I didn't; I'm one of many that put my absentee ballot to good use! As far as G-dub is concerned, I'm sure he's a nice guy - I love a good ol' boy just as much as the next person - but he's dumber than a sack of hammers and I want to punch him in the face; what a fucking moron.

Other stuff: Like all of the other girls on here, I'm fairly sarcastic. Unlike all of the other girls on here, I actually mean it: this is your warning. Moving right along, I have an unhealthy attraction to tire swings and bad puns. I prefer lip balm to lipstick, appreciate (nay, require) intelligence in my friends, and if I were to encompass a deadly sin, it'd be sloth (as I have a tendency to binge-sleep).

Oh, and I don't like pie.

Dear New Orleans,
Please give me a job.
<3, K

I've spent the last year and a half teaching science at a museum and, for the most part, I loved it: seriously, I got to play with kids and snakes... sweet. I was also a teaching fellow and volunteer at two separate WCS zoos, and now in addition to attempting to finagle employment with the Audubon, I'm trying to network my way into vet school, lousy undergrad career be damned.

Please?

listening. problem-solving. massages. fried chicken. copy-editing. reading people. encouraging. dodgeball. sass. parallel parking. critter-grabbin', anagrams/jumbles. zoology. wordplay. making you blush. burrowing/cuddling/napping. teaching. catchphrase.

physically? eyes, smile, rack, firm handshake.

oh, and the shark-like dorsal fin. gills, too.

a) the prince of tides, i know this much is true, anthem, the memory of eva ryker, the virgin suicides, divine secrets of the ya-ya sisterhood, flowers for algernon, the wump world, the inferno, but not the hippopotamus, calvin and hobbes, harry potter, primal fear, the prophet, everything's eventual, good omens, the devil's dictionary.

NOT 'the catcher in the rye'! that book is the most unnecessarily-praised, hyper-verbose, emo-stream-of-consciousness piece of garbage that I've ever read.

b) jaws, shawshank redemption, kiss kiss bang bang, dogma, moulin rouge, the princess bride, fight club, bridget jones' diary, american beauty, garden state, silence of the lambs, red dragon, ferngully, snatch, love actually, the phantom of the opera, hook, primal fear, fried green tomatoes, death to smoochy, schindler's list, kindergarten cop, finding nemo, jumpin' jack flash, open water, pirates, the cutting edge, harold and kumar go to white castle, a league of their own, k-9, the aristocrats

Haha, I'm sad that I have more favourite movies than books, especially since a lot of the books are the literary equivalence of chick flicks.

c) I like it all. Well, except for the "music" where people scream at you - that's not music, it's screaming; don't act like I didn't buy that donut...

If it helps, my ipod is currently home to the following artists: 2pac, ac/dc, ace of base, adele, alana davis, aretha, boston, corinne bailey rae, earth, wind & fire, eddie money, feist, guns n' roses, guster, hall & oates, hellogoodbye, imogen heap, iron & wine, jack johnson, jason mraz, joshua radin, journey, keane, lauryn hill, little jackie, matt nathanson, michael jackson, queen, ray lamontagne, rick astley, sam cooke, sara bareilles, shakira, the decemberists/fratellis/o'jays/shins/UNC achordants/verdict/wombats, u2, and a variety of string quartet tributes but, like I said, I tend to be pretty open.

d) Ohmygod I. Love. Food. Seriously. Love It. Faves include: cajun, texmex enchiladas and tacos, seafood (raw or otherwise), savory indian fare, various soups, rich, fatty salads, brunch, well-seasoned blue to mid-rare steak (I'm a ribeye or tri-tip fan), simple homemade pastas, super-crunchy kettle chips, bacon, babies (mmm, babies), and seasonal produce (summer, spring, autumn, winter in that order), but I'm not picky. There are, of course, a few exceptions - i don't do peanut butter, sloppy joes, or corndogs (not good eats), i'm allergic to chocolate, and I'm not fond of raisins - but more often than not, if it holds still long enough, I'll eat it (and probably enjoy the hell out of it).

e) turn-ons - a deep bourbon-and-cigarettes voice. strong hands. genuine mischievous/dimpled/alligator-broad smiles. snark. brilliance. passion.

f) turn-offs - smoking. bad teeth. stupidity. Seriously, if you've got a busted grill or are a moron, I will not be your friend; sorry, but a girl's gotta have her limits.

- friends/familia/el novio/dag (yeh lak dags?)
- food (not like "sustenance" but like "food network is borderline pornographic")
- good music
- kindness
- outlet
- sense of humor

"Am I on I-10? I think this is I-10. Fuck, wait, no, that's I-10. Annnnd now I'm in the hood. Excellent."

"I need a job I need a job I need a job" is reaching nigh-mantra status.

What I want to be doing as opposed to what i should be doing, dinner, job stuff, lesson ideas, whyyyy did I slack off as an undergrad, my wickedly awesome dog.

Brangelina. I'm waiting for Angelinnifer; it's going to happen, I can feel it.

Back in NC it usually involved working or wendy's/ninja warrior/b-horror flicks with homies.

Here, it's playing housewife and waiting for the novio to get off of work... by "playing housewife," I probably mean donning my iPod and sneakily people-watching at Walmart. What can I say, I don't know anybody/my way around the city yet. Give me a month and I'll pretend to be more social.

the pie thing wasn't enough?

You fight like a cow.

That, or if you're feeling lucky: I never check the site, I have little-to-no attention span for most computer stuff, and am a Horrible correspondent. Seriously. I'm really, Really bad at it and but, hell, if the stars are aligned properly or I'm feeling particularly talkative, anything can happen... well, almost anything.**

OH! I don't have the IM thing enabled... I tend to wander off and don't want to appear rude to anybody looking to talk.

One more thing: if you happen to work at/for/in/with the LSU veterinary school, please message me so I can exploit our subsequent friendship and con my way into your program; I promise I'm a lot friendlier and more responsible than my profile implies.

*I know I sound like a raging bitch. If I were one, I promise I'd let you know, but I'm really not. To clarify, I don't want to email you, nor do I want to converse via gchat/aim/yahoo/skype/smoke signals... at least not yet. In short, and in spite of the toxic exoskeleton of discretion masquerading as bitchiness, I am completely down with making friends through OKC, but first I'ma need to make sure you're not a sociopath.

** I'm not going to give you a tour of the city, and I'm not cyberfucking you (no matter how freakishly well-endowed you claim to be: it's a computer, dumbass; don't waste my time), and I certainly don't want to be a third in a romantic tryst with your stringy-haired pseudo-goth boyfriend with a god complex/"over-abundant," rib-crushingly and muffintop-inducingly tight leather bustier-wearing girlfriend. Odds are you've seen a variation of this "open couple" on here. To said couples: you guys are gross; go get some sun. Sorry, but polyamory annoys me; thanks, but no thanks.