I thought it was time for an update on this here piece o' stuff.

To be honest with you, I'm not entirely sure exactly how to describe myself in summaries such as these. I'm never sure whether to be like "God I am so fantastic" or to be slightly more modest like "God I am so modest".

I suppose I could be described as loyal (it's true), friendly (it's true), multicultural (tres true), and a hyper-goat from Mars (perhaps not quite so true as the previous three statements). One thing I can say is that I am totally addicted to having bracketed asides in paragraphs about myself.

When I originally wrote this summary, I was full of all kinds of joyous hope and optimism (I was young). Needless to say, time has ravaged my youthful sense of purpose and justice so it had to be edited, and edited hard, to symbolically represent the constant paving over of society to make room for new trends and fads, or some such bollocks. I've found being arty and pretentious is easy when you wear glasses and insist on uploading a picture of a biscuit (albeit a dashingly handsome one) which eventually becomes my very favourite profile picture. Obviously, by the time you read this, the picture will have been removed, but I will make it available on request for anyone willing to pay the small administration fee.

At the moment, beating it with a large tree branch, a la Basil Fawlty. I have a reasonably dead-end job with a company that insists on using terrible corporate-speak all the time, and encouraging its employees to use it too. I tell you, I just can't use the word "action" as a verb, no matter how many times they tell me it's necessary. I also don't believe that information can be "cascaded" to colleagues. At least, not without causing massive facial scarring.

Playing guitar, mocking corporate-speak, leaping into abstraction, pouting, making coffee, thinking outside the box about inside the box, becoming trapped in boxes, ascribing innuendo-ridden subtext to episodes of Blue Peter (that name alone makes me think of priapism), wearing false beards, growing real beards, liking men, dancing interpretively, mashing potatoes.

Usually my proximity, or whatever it is I've just whanged their head with. Yes, I am happy to use the word "whanged" as a verb.

(a)
1.The Harry Potter series is fantastically well-written, and anyone who disagrees is perfectly entitled to their opinion. So there.
2. A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius is definitely one of my favourite books. Dave Eggers has such a unique sense of humour, and of emotion, that I felt it incumbent on me to steal it.
3. Elizabeth Wurtzel's books are very well-written too, although there's only so much whining I can stand.
4. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. 'Nuff said.
5. Stephen King's books (before he gave up the sauce) are fantastic, and I could read them again and again and again.
6. The Republic Of Trees by Sam Taylor. Deeply disturbing, like Konnie Huq.
7. The Secret History by Donna Tartt. Read it. Now.
(b)
1. "American Beauty" is definitely my favourite film of all time and I will never tire of it.
2. "In America" is also a fantastic film which I plan to watch lots and lots of times until my eyes explode.
3. "Pirates Of The Caribbean" was transcendent, even though it had Orlando Bloom in it.
(c)
My taste in music is far too voluminous to mention, but a few of the bands I listen to: Smashing Pumpkins, Jeff Buckley, Placebo, Moonspell, Alanis Morrissette, Air, AFI, Muse, The Smiths, Snow Patrol, Cradle of Filth, Faith No More, Jimmy Chamberlin Complex, Catatonia, Jack Off Jill, My Ruin, Nine Inch Nails, Black Box Recorder, early Manic Street Preachers, The Number 12, Dog Fashion Disco, Polkadot Cadaver, Youthmovies, and so on in that manner. Whatever that means.
(d)Pizza. Or curry. But not curry on a pizza. That's just wrong.

Excluding vital organs:
1. My best friends.
2. Cynicism
3. Hope that one day it might all get better.
4. Angry industrial music and soft melodic warblings
5. My guitar and attendant accessories (yes, I realise that's cheating)
6. Cheating.

Exactly how passive-aggressive I can be without being rumbled. How if I had a lot of money I would have very limited use for it. Why jeans are the only trousers I can ever be bothered wearing. Where to buy really cheap things that I really don't need. Where the nearest bathroom is. How people can remember being in the womb. How many characters I can fit into this space before okcupid becomes angry with me. Why it's so tempting to totally waste your life. Hawking Radiation. How to be self-sufficient. What the 11th dimension looks like, and why gravity exists there. How I will ever attract a man whilst openly liking theoretical science. Whether Josie Lawrence or Colin Mochrie is my favourite Whose Line Is It Anyway performer. Whether or not I can be bothered typing anything else here.

Sleeping due to getting up at 5.30am on Friday morning. Occasionally I hold it together long enough to fall into a kind of hypnotic torpor in an armchair (those are my party nights).

I openly admit having male genitalia.

You've already written a message and feel it would be a waste to discard it.